Forgotten Adventures (Original)
by C. M. Spinks
Summary: Abandoned- Old edit of a story that I'm rewriting elsewhere.
1. Prologue

Forgotten Adventures: Prologue

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

I can hear them talking about me, out in the hall. The words are muffled and vague but I know it's about me, it's always about me. When I'm not dancing for Her Radiance, when they're not shocking my form, when they're not mocking me to my half-face, they're out there, talking. About me.

The unusual part of it is that, this time, whatever that is, their words are not loud and obnoxious and hateful. They are hushed, talking behind hands behind doors. As though their conversation were too horrible for even me to know. And, as the Quartz guards usually revel in degrading me in every creative manner possible, it must be horrible indeed.

I can guess. Perhaps I am no longer entertaining, perhaps I have become a mundane travesty to them, the horror of my existence somehow made _usual_ to them through time and exposure. That's what they love, the exposure. To point and jeer and mock. But if they no longer find this amusing… what room is there for me in their world?

If I am no longer a worthy plaything for Her Radiance, no longer worth studying by her scientists, no longer useful as a test subject- what is to become of me?

Well, I imagine it will be what happens to all gems who are no longer useful. Destruction, and recycling. Perhaps my shattered gemstone will serve as a power source for some ungodly machine, a magic weapon, a spaceship, or a toy. Her Radiance so loves anomalies, so perhaps in death I will continue to serve as entertainment for the Most High…

Out in the hall, their muttering turns even softer, and I can feel an emotional shift, a change in the energy. No more derision, it's.. pity. Perhaps a shade of regret. A sliver of guilt. But nevertheless a dedication to what's been decided, knowing there's nothing any two Quartz Soldiers could do to stop, delay, or impede the orders of a Diamond and her court. There is a resigned satisfaction, as though they always knew this would happened, but strangely hoped it would be put off indefinitely, that miniscule guilt wishing for a better way, but seeing none other than contributing to the hurt, to the cycle.

The words die away completely, a most strange occurrence. Only when an officer comes through does that ever _normally_ happen. Now, it is a grim allowance, an inability to protest reality, a failure to drown out truth with selfish, meaningless 'fun' conversation. Even they feel a dark, shallow fluttering in their hearts for my fate.

Inside my cell, inside my mind, I, too, am resigned. I knew this would happen, one day, and I knew it better than most. Perhaps the only one who knew better was the Diamond herself, or her scientists who produced me. Imagine, your experimental cut of gems emerging, almost perfect, almost exactly as desired, but for one mistake. And oh, what a mistake I am. They likely knew, instantly, I was never meant to last. I am not perfect, I am not even standard; how could society accept me, even if I were useful? And I am useful for little more than a cheap laugh these days…

Which leads to the present moment. That dreaded moment where my luck runs out, the laughs dry up, and I am no longer useful. That moment where I am sentenced, as all defects are, to stop being alive. Today's the day, I can feel it, from the silent macabre of the Quartzes outside, to the stillness of the facility, there is a finality in the air I cannot deny.

 _My_ finality…

Before I can ponder resistance or the horror of the thought, the door 'shooms' into existence, a panel of light forming before disappearing. The only kind of door that can hold me… An Agate appears in the door, face grim but not displeased. She feels a disturbing satisfaction in thoughts of what is about to happen. She is wordless, though, as she syncs up the electromagnetic chains binding me here to a kind of stylus, effectively leashing me. The chain of electricity jumps and jumbles between the cuffs on my hand and neck to the stylus in her hand. She gives a tug, and I rise, towering over her, obediently. Despite my intimidating height, and yes, it is intimidating, she smirks because she knows she has complete control over me. Tugging again, more harshly than necessary, she leads me away from my room, my cell, and the relative safety of being alone.

The Quartzes follow behind, spears at the ready, as the Agate escorts me to Her Radiance for some semblance of a formal sentencing… as we walk, ever more certainly, to my end. I grind my teeth, tighten my fists.

This cannot be the end.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One: The End of the Beginning, and the start of something New

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

I am Sardonyx. I am a Sardonyx. I don't know which one I am, anymore, only that I am the one I've always been, and not the others.

I live on Homeworld, as I am an Elite Coordinator. Or, I was. I cannot remember exactly when I was stripped of that title, only that I have been, and only because of that fragile flaw. I can't remember right. I did so well, for so long, that no one, not even I, knew about it, but now that the lapses are so long, and involve such critical information as my own identity, it is no longer an invisible part of me. After many uncomfortable inspections, they found it; a slight 'knot' in the deeper part of my gem, a flaw that interrupts the flow of energy, that interrupts the flow and function of _me_. It happens, of course, but it is never allowed to go on so long, and now, now that I am an established figure with a history and a reputation, that flaw is my undoing. It 'explains' my divergent ideas, my fringe interests and studies, and it is held against me. I am different because I am broken.

I was once a revered official, and I used my position to benefit those in my care. Of course! If I must decide the lives of a thousand gems I should do so with care and kindness! Except, to Homeworld, it's too much care, too much kindness. What does the life of a single Ruby matter? What does the life of a single Quartz matter? What is a lapis lazuli or a peridot or a carnelian worth in the face of the grand whole? I hate that line of thought! They are their own, they are a singularity, an individual! They have their own self, their own thoughts- how is that not important? How does that not matter?

With this _revelation_ in regards to my gem, my 'revolutionary' line of thought has little meaning to homeworld. Maybe, maybe they would have found stock in my studies, my graphs, my endless _data_ , but coming from _me_ , a reject _defect_ , it is worthless. And, now, having been separated from my studies and my data, I can't really recall it all. I start to wonder how much I've forgotten in my life already, if so soon after being removed from my position I am already clueless to the bulk of my work. I remember… the work, organizing, numbers, but I can't put it to sense, can't give it a coherent form.

They are still deciding what to do with me, but the war with Earth has been a huge distraction, so the only decision Homeworld _can_ make has been put off. But it's given me an idea. I may be something of an aristocrat, but I am _not_ useless, memory issues or no. I am functional! If Homeworld will not listen to me… maybe this Rose Quartz of Earth will.

There has been a scramble to send more Gems to Earth, of late. I plan to sneak aboard one of the larger departing ships as soon as possible, and smuggle myself to Earth. I refuse to be wait around to be told that I don't deserve to live. I am not perfect, but… surely that doesn't mean my life is entirely without meaning…

They've been keeping me in my Control Room, as there's really nowhere else to keep me. They did, however, remove all the functioning equipment that made my work possible, so the room is barren and spacious, and it constantly evokes a kind of unease within me. Every once in a while, some gem or another will pop in the make sure I'm still here, but with the mad dash to train, collect, and deport warriors to the battlefield.. my visits have been far and few between. I suppose my cooperation has also built a sense of security, that, despite my defect, I am still blindly loyal and willing to submit even to death by waiting here, but that cannot be further from the truth. There has to be a better way.

I want one more visit before I leave. One more, so that I will maximize my time before they realize I'm gone. I expect there will be another one shortly, as the last one was about two days ago. They've never gone that long before, so they must really think I'm comfortable waiting for my death.

I have never been bored before, but with nothing to do but run over my escape plan repeatedly, these many days of solitude have been uncomfortable indeed. I have taken to tracing over the shapes of the wall with hands or fingers, recounting my plan to myself. The repetition seems to help me remember some of the finer details better, but it is an unsatisfying surprise. I try not to let the doubts Homeworld has planted within me consume my confidence or destroy my hope of escape. I am more than what they think of me, I am more than a small misalignment of strata within an otherwise functional and perfectly cleaved gem.

It is as I run my hands over the shapes and my mind over the plan again that I receive my visit. The door cracks and light pours in my dim room, and the silhouette of an Adventurine appears. I hardly turn to acknowledge her before she's gone again, and that's when I know my time has come. If she cannot even greet me, then the rest must be just as rushed, manic, and careless as well. And if the entire city is such, a ship must be just about to leave. I will never have a better time to try to run.

Before I go, I take a look around the room, as I have done countless times since my imprisonment began. But now, I know it is final. I will never see this room again- if I even remember it later- and I will never be quite what I was before. I'm leaving some part of me here. Maybe I'm only leaving my facet numbers here, already forgotten. I lost track of them when they started calling me 'the defective one'. No need for numbers when you have an entire noun dedicated to your existence. Maybe I'm leaving my love of Homeworld behind. There was a time when I thought even our conquest of planets and empirical expansion was noble and good, but now I see flaws in our society everywhere I look. Maybe.. maybe I'm leaving behind their idea of what I _should_ be, in favor of finding what I _could_ be. Outside their limitations, even with my own, who knows what I can do? I certainly don't, but I intend to find out. I turn away from this empty room, ready to move on.

I open the door the rest of the way, still slightly ajar from the Adventurine, and peer out. No one in the hallway, I step out, trying to exude confidence. If I act like I am meant to be out, perhaps no one will question me. There are numerous other Sardonyxes on Homeworld, in this tower alone, and so long as no one recognizes my forehead gem as 'the defective one', I may find my way to the ship relatively easy.

The walk to the hall's warp pad is quiet and lonesome, and I am grateful. Someone from this hall would surely recognize me. But, I make it to the pad alone and unharmed, so I hold out great hope that the rest will go just as smoothly. I use the pad to warp to the next tower over, the one right by the hangar. This city only has one, as it is a relatively small city, only a couple million gems stationed here, so that is where I must go.

The hangar itself does not have a warp pad, as there is some kind of interference when the engines are engaged that can cause nearby warp pads to desync from each other, which is a costly and dangerous effect. It means any travel from a tower to the hangar must be done on foot, and that is where most of my danger will be. If I can go unrecognized or unseen, I can stow away on a ship. I am confident that if I can make it onto a ship, I can go undiscovered the entire journey, and thus join the Earth rebellion.

As I appear in the floor level lobby of the tower next to the hangar, which i'm sure has a name that I can't recall, I realize I'm very much not alone. The lobby is alive with action and movement. So many gems going in so many directions. No one is paying attention to me- they've all got their own agendas and missions and goals, and an errant, unaccounted for Sardonyx is not one of any of them. So I stroll down the stairs, off the platform, as I might have done any other day before they discovered my difference, my 'flaw'. Confident, straight-backed, I glide as effortlessly as possible toward the door, floating through the hectic crowd as though I were above it all.

No one minds me at all, like I said, it's too hectic. No one can really afford to care about some Sardonyx they can safely assume is up to her own business, especially when I, 'the defective one', have been up in my room long enough to fall out of public minds as well as official ones. I almost daintily step out into the dim light of our red dwarf star, the picture of regality on her way to do something important. Despite this lack of attention, I walk with a bit of fear in my heart, a worry that any moment the illusion of propriety and belonging and purpose will fall away and someone will recognize me and put an end to me, right there. It's a worry that keeps me focused, though, so I continue.

The way to the hangar is straightforward enough, quite literally, and while there are a few gems dashing to and fro, none of them concern themselves with me. It is a tense few minutes, but I arrive at the hangar quite safely and without any fuss. Nevertheless I hurry right along to the next goal: getting _on_ the ship.

The one with all the attention is the one preparing to launch, and it's a small, fortified freighter likely trying to haul supplies as well as soldiers. We do not have many machines that require fuel anymore, but there are many weapons out there that need replacing or reloading, so I am sure that much of what is being sent to earth is ammunition of some sort. It would be unwise to try to hide in one of the containers, as weight is constantly being checked and at regular intervals, so I need to find another way in.

"Oh, pardon me, your Oversight!" A gem says while trotting over, eyes locked on me. I try not to panic, but I find words difficult to manage, so I only nod as she approaches. I don't think she's recognized me as anything more than _a_ Sardonyx. She salutes me, the white diamond on her front blazing bright compared to the rest of her form and color, a sweet blue-green. I think she is a Turquoise. "We didn't know you were coming, or else I'd have prepared an escort to walk you over." She says as she bows as well. Looking up slightly she asks, "What can we do for you?"

I pause. I've never lied before, but I suppose there's always a first time for everything, and everything goes in war, doesn't it? I feel queasy as I look around, hoping for an excuse to present itself. I stare at the ship, and a new idea forms.

"I'm here.. to inspect the ship."

"Y-you are here to inspect the ship? A Sardonyx?" She asks, obviously curious.

"Yes, it's a bit outside my usual function, but we're all a bit shorthanded these days, I suppose." I try to look unbothered, as though this were the situation, as though I really were just here to take a look at a ship… "We've been tracking some gems we believe are going to try to stow away, and I'm here to see if I can.. scare them out."

"Oh, of course, your Oversight. A wise decision, I'm sure. All of my own division is all accounted for, but I'm sure you'll find that for yourself. Is there anything I can do to assist you?" She asks the last part as she rises from the bow.

"No need. We are most certain they're aware we've been tracking them and that my presence here will cause one of them to slip. If we can scare one out into the open we will likely catch them all." I say, imperiously. Internally, I am wildly unsure of how I'm able to say these things, on the spot, so naturally. Perhaps stress has made my mind sharper, or perhaps there's more room for wit with everything else I've probably forgotten. "I, ah, will be on and off the ship, however, right up until launch. It's imperative no one draw any attention to me. I assume this won't be a problem?"

"Oh, no, ma'am. I'll make certain you're left alone while you're here, and that my division is ready to assist you should the rebel stowaways reveal themselves." The Turquoise nods enthusiastically, even if her expression is serious and stressed.

"Good. As you were, then, I'm sure you've much to do and look after." Again she nods.

"Thank you, your Oversight." She bows again, then dashes off, barking at the gems various orders in rapid succession, the whole group immediately revitalizing in movement and action. I watch for a moment, then continue down into the hangar to perform my 'inspection'. I look in and around things, hoping to give the illusion of a search. But still, thanks to my little performance, no one seems to notice me, or if they do, I am easily dismissed.

After 'inspecting' the remaining containers on the outside of the ship, I feel it is an appropriate time to turn my 'search' inside. I stride inside, up the loading ramp around the back of the ship, and inside. Immediately the size is overwhelming, as the inside is much larger, more building-like, than should be possible. I vaguely remember the _idea_ of space compaction, but I am not sure I recall such technology being developed and put into use on such a large scale. But I suppose it doesn't matter. This is the ship that will either carry me to Earth or become the setting of my finale.

Although, come to think of it, with more space, there are more places for me to potentially hide away. I begin my search for 'the stowaways' and disappear into the ship, undisturbed as Turquoise promised.

I settle into a spot between several towers of containers, in a deep room with no light. I hear almost eerily acutely as the ship fills with gems, the last of the non-living goods loaded. There is some conversation about where 'the Sardonyx' went, but there doesn't seem to be any concern. And as Turquoise eventually begins counting down, I feel assured that I am, at least for the moment, safe here.

The ship shakes to life, and rumbling it lifts from the ground. I have no seat to tie myself into, but the tight space between boxes secures me enough when we break from the loose 'atmosphere' of Homeworld, and even as we start the first of a series of short-range burst jumps. Larger ships aren't capable of warping larger distances like from galaxy to galaxy, but they _are_ capable of interplanetary jumps, and with rapid succession they can make intergalactic trips relatively quickly. I am not quite sure how, anymore, though..

My form feels loose and blurry during each jump, as the entire ship seems to bend and warp impossibly, but the moments are so short that it's incomprehensible. I feel a sense of unease throughout my body, a kind of dizziness as we bend and blur across and between two vastly distant places. As the ship comes to another stopping point, I feel jolted awake. I prepare myself for another round of burst jumps, already feeling.. queasy. I try to focus and sharpen my form, but I still feel the vibrations of light too much, too harshly.

I don't notice until for a moment, but the ship does not make another burst jump. As I start to feel better, more solid, I realize how many moments have passed since the last. Before, they were steady, rhythmic, like a slow clapping of hands or drums. I know of no reason for them to make a stop somewhere, especially so early in the trip, and I begin to panic. If they know I'm aboard, what will they do? How could they possibly know? I assumed I would be able to hide here for the entirety of what promised to be a very short and hasty trip right to the battlefields of Earth, but what if I was wrong? What if there were other intentions for this ship? Am I horribly off-track from where I thought I would be?

Cautiously, very afraid, I rise to my feet, a little unsteady. I emerge from my cave of boxes, slowly peeking out of the room. I don't see or hear anyone from here, but that doesn't mean they aren't looking for me. I step back into my room, breathing hard with anxiety. But I try to steel myself, try to make myself unafraid. Hands over each other, knit tightly together, I try to focus on being positive. If I am to be found out, what can I do?

With my hands bound together so tightly, I realize the frilliness of my attire. Being an aristocrat, I was allowed to wear impractical clothing, dresses with trains and sleeves with frills. But now I am a fugitive, a runaway. Perhaps my attire should be a little more befitting. Those Peridots theorized that it would be unsafe for me to change my form, but I've been changing outfits periodically all my life, so while it is the first time I've tried since the 'great reveal' and I _am_ anxious, I proceed with an adjustment to my clothes. The light briefly fills the room, but it quickly vanishes as the changes are made.

Yes, no sleeves, but bicep length gloves, free feet but still some flow with the overcoat.. this will do nicely. It may not be as dashing or lavish as I might have been expected to wear previously, but I suppose I'm not about meeting expectations anymore. I must defy them. I must be myself.

I almost feel ready to face the entire ship, but I am still defenseless. I stare down at my hands, wishing I could open these containers to take whatever weapon might be inside, but I can't. They all have their own codes, and I assume that only the commander of the ship has access to them. I know I have a weapon, but I cannot recall ever summoning it, and the ache of not knowing returns sharply, bitterly. I take a short breathe again, and reach out, reach down, and summon it.

With a cheery, metallic sort of sound, the gauntlets form around my hands, the golden hue highly reflective. The fingers, so sharp, so spear-like, and the elbows, too. I blink in disbelief. A Sardonyx? With this caliber weapon? While there hasn't been a need for them, I know all gems have weapons, but there is usually some common type within a cut of gem, and gauntlets are an exceedingly rare type for _any_ cut, let alone my gem type! If I remember correctly, Sardonyxes typically have short swords or other, similar small stabbing weaponry. This, _this_ is _such_ an anomaly that it forces me to wonder if there is more different about me than I or even Homeworld previously thought.

Well, at least this one is in my favor, in any case. I grit my teeth and steal out into the hall, ready to do some real investigation. I sneak, half running and half crouching, along hallways. As I start to hear voices I slow, and listen for their conversations, but it's still too low to make out. I skirt around them instead, heading towards the main room, both the command room and the loading bay, hoping to spy on Turquoise and get some answers.

I am once again taken back by how open this large room is but I focus on the front of it. If Turquoise is anywhere, I would guess she's there, commanding the ship. I see several gems, both sitting and standing at the helm, at various panels or stations, doing who knows what. There don't appear to be any gems down on the main floor, where I am..

"Hey, who are you?!" Someone shrieks behind me, startling me. I stumble backwards onto the main floor, out in the open. The gem, some type of Quartz, advances. Her cry has effectively alerted everyone to my presence, as well. I wheel my head around wildly, suddenly paranoid of attack from any angle, despite the closest gem being the one right in front of me. She lunges to grab me, and I swing out of the way, acting out of fear and instinct. She turns right into another lunge, but I deflect her hand instead with my own ramming her into the floor with the misdirection. She growls and starts to rise, but I back up, away and out of reach.

But I look up to see Turquoise spot me, her eyes narrowing with rage as she recognizes me and understands my betrayal. I can almost hear the thought process, the remembering of my gem, my story, my _flaw_. I grimace back at her, displeased at this turn of events. I step away from the looming Quartz, equally upset at my evasion, but I'm little better than cornered at this point. Several of the gems from the control panel, Turquoise included, leap down and advance. I just continue backing away, unsure what else I really _can_ do. I start to panic, start to see the future unfold before me: violence, capture, destruction. I doubt these gems will want to bother taking me _home_ to undo me, so I certainly seem to be running out of time.

They close in, slowly, a disconcerting tenseness in the steady but apprehensive approach. Almost like water reaching a boiling point, I wonder when the tenseness will explode into bubbling conflict. I don't wonder long, as a smaller pilot gem rushes forward, ready to take me down. I dodge, but I am immediately met with other gems' hands on my form. I twist away at every opportunity, but I know that it's only a matter of time until weapons come into play-

Suddenly I remember my own clawed hands, ready to strike, and strike I do, gold flashing in front of me as I swipe at the closest moving thing. I miss, of course, but I earn a bit of space for the trouble, and a spark of hope flutters in me. Maybe I can still make it out of this if I, if I-

There's no time to think of what if's as they close in again, weapons drawn and aimed with ferocious, trained accuracy. The next moments are a blaze of flailing arms and evasion, hits and misses and running and yelling, a mess of limbs and effort as they try to capture me, and I try not to let that happen.

I find myself planted against a wall, having somehow disassembled three gems, leaving a still intimidating six to try their hands at ending me. But they seem hesitant, as though I have frightened them deeply. I curl my lip in an attempt to reinforce that idea, but I've no idea to its success. The herd of gems seems to swell in preparation of an attack, but they suddenly pull back, running away. I notice the blinking red light above me and turn to look up. I am against the loading ramp turned wall, and the warning light blinks ominously. Distantly, some part of the ship hisses, and I understand a little too late what's happening.

I manage to turn back in time to see Turquoise at a small command station, smirk and hit a button. I hurriedly bury my hands into the floor, but the vacuum of space pulls me away before I can solidly grip anything more than a surface level of metal and wire, and I am flung out into empty space, the wicked grin of the blue-green gem seeming to haunt my vision until I am long outside the ship.

Uselessly I try to stop myself from spinning, but I do catch a glimpse of the ship as it warps away in a stream of blue light. In the silence and the relative stillness, I realize the fullness of the situation. I am alive, and I am free, but I am alone. Deep, deep in space, and very, very alone.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: We meet again for the first time

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

As the quiet falls harshly around me, deafening in the weight of absence of both person, place, or sound. The vast nothingness in my immediate area is almost crushing. I can barely think of it, the reality of my state, the solitude, the lack of resources and control.. But think I must, because I cannot accept that this is where I end, silently floating, abandoned in space.

The snare out into space gave me quite a bit of spin, so as I turn, slightly head over heel, slightly right over left, I take in my surroundings. The short burst jumps work by targeting planets or other large objects or even groups of objects in space, so I must at least be near a planet or _something_ where I can land, rest, restock…

It seems like I've been left in an asteroid field, likely a belt around a solar system, if the bright sun I'm heading away from is anything to go by. Thankfully, I am slowly heading towards the belt, and a particularly large asteroid in particular, but that presents a new problem. How can I land safely? At my speed and weight, crashing into that asteroid could be very dangerous. I'm sturdy, sure, but my gem is not..

I could control my descent if I shape shifted but, but those Peridots, they seemed so convinced that that could be dangerous for me.. Gems who try to keep their shape different for too long are known to crack, which is why it's generally frowned upon to use it unnecessarily anyway, and with my memory issues and the uncertainty of how much of _me_ they affect, it's a frightening risk that I'd prefer not to take either. But if I have to choose between certainly crashing and _maybe_ getting stuck in an alternate form, then I guess maybe getting stuck is the more reasonable option.

I can do this, I'm sure! If I try, I might fail, but there's nothing to be said for me if I give in now. I did not risk everything simply to float into obscurity. As I feel the pull of gravity starting to take hold of me, I clench my fists, suspending my gauntlets, and try to reach out, to spread, to grow. I feel my arms become loose, light as they become, well, more like pure light. They stretch out, taking on a new shape, long and thin and wide.

I spread my wings, and immediately find that with this new gravity, I have so much more control. I turn myself to face the asteroid, and spread my wings as wide as I can to slow my descent as much as possible.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I drift further and further into the pull of the asteroid, until it's less of a drift and more of a controlled fall. I struggle to keep myself balanced, as my arms-turned-wings already ache in a way I can't quite describe, but I can only assume it's because this ability is so underused and out of practiced. As soon as I get within two meters of the ground, I let go, simply falling to my feet. I stumble, but I'm more concerned about my arms, and getting them back. I try to pull them in, to bring them back, but they resist.

It's like a wall has been thrown up in between the mental images of what my arms used to be, and what they are now, like there's no going back. I don't give up, though, and keep pulling. There has to be a way around this. Slowly they start to obey, turning to white light and shrinking down, coming together like they've always been. I try to conjure up the feeling of fingers, the shape of my palm, the bumps in my wrists, my elbows. It's blurry, unfamiliar, like a distant and ancient object worn down by time, but it really hasn't been so long, has it, since I was that way?

"C'mon, hands. I _know_ my hands. I can do this, I can do this.." I almost whine out loud. I meant it to be encouraging, but the desperation is so prevalent in my voice.. I groan as finally they seem to click into place; 'ah, yes, that's right'. The light dies down, and I have hands and arms again. I give my fingers a test, turn my hands over, stretch an arm, and they seem fine, just like they ever were. But I worry, what if there was something wrong with them, and I slowly acquire too much pressure on my gem, and crack, and die? They _feel_ fine, but what if they aren't?

I don't have time to worry, as suddenly I am thrown and pressed against a rock wall, a hand in my face. My immediate thoughts are a jumble of panic and confusion- who could possibly be out here?

" _Who are you?!_ " A voice hisses from behind the hand crushing my face into the wall, forcing my gem uncomfortably close to the rough, rocky surface. " _What are you doing here?!"_

Part of me wants to answer, but the majority is consumed by panic, so I give out a growl of a wail and swing a suddenly clawed hand out at my attacker.

"Who are _you_ and what are _you_ doing here?" I snarl back, taking a firmer stance as she- they?- skirt away from me. Taking a look at her- them?- I am quite confused. Built tall but thin, they have a color pattern like a gem, and yet they match no cut or model I am familiar with, or, such that I can remember. Yet the design is not entirely alien to me, simply the name is vague and distant, like a word on the tip of my tongue.

Similarly, the gem looks me up and down, but their eyes widen in recognition.

"What's a Sardonyx _noble_ doing in this wasteland?" They almost sneer.

"I'm not a 'noble'!" I yell- the loss of my status, Homeworld's complete disregard of me, suddenly hits me like a falling star; explosively and without care. "Now, who _are_ you? What's a- a gem doing out here, alone?"

"As if you don't know!" They spit, gritting their teeth, tensing their shoulders.. I throw my hands out a little wildly.

"I- I _don't_? You- you're not any kind of gem I know except- except maybe-" A vague sense of recollection and understanding floods me. "- maybe those ancient Fluorite experiments. You- you're a little tall, I suppose, and a very dark color, but close?" I shrug, but I'm almost certain. That's the closest cut of gem to this stranger before me, but that line was cancelled, wasn't it?

"I'm _Phantom_ Fluorite, you senseless fool! What else could you be out here for but me?" They snarl, causing me to flinch. But they simply stand there, unimpressed, furious. The weight of the name dawns on me..

"Phantom Fluorite? That old.. myth? You, they- that's not _real_ , it's propaganda from the old ages!"

"P-propaganda?" They stutter, confused. I notice they wear a mask over half their face, and where their right eye should be is a cube shape, extending far beyond their face, obviously their gem. But why hide it? This can't really be legendary Phantom Fluorite?

"Yeah, Phantom Fluorite was a defective gem who ultimately betrayed Homeworld and the Diamonds _because_ of her defect- a classic pro-diamond tall tale!" I explain, equally confused. "She.. they said she had to be destroyed because she was too dangerous, because she was defective.."

"Did they also say they called me 'it' and 'that'? I'm not like you gems… and I wasn't destroyed, either! I _did_ escape, out here, where no one would ever look for me…" Her- their one eye drifts out and away, gazing at the asteroids floating peacefully around us. Their face snaps back to me, suddenly angry again. "Until now, anyway. How did you get here? Why would they send a measly Sardonyx to capture _me_?"

"I'm not here to capture you! I- I'm defective too, and I was trying to stow away to Earth-"

"Earth?" They tilt their head curiously.

"-to join the revolution. I don't want to be another cog in their machine if I must be heartless.. So I'm going to fight!"

"In a revolution? Against the Diamond?" They seem unimpressed.

"Against all _four_ Diamonds!" I clench my fists dramatically. I admit it's something of an uphill battle, but I truly believe it's a worthy cause!

"F-four? There's _four_ of her now?" Phantom Fluorite balks, visibly uncomfortable.

"That's right, if you really are _the_ Phantom Fluorite, then you were alive before Blue or White or Pink Diamond…" It's my turn to balk at the idea of living longer than a _Diamond_. "Wow.."

"Wow indeed. If there's four of those monsters now I'm sure the whole universe is in trouble." They shudder, turning away from me.

"A-are you okay?" For a moment, Phantom Fluorite doesn't seem to hear me, lost in thought. I'm a bit curious what a gem could do out here for so long, all alone, what made them hate the Diamonds so. The story is a bit lacking in details, or I just don't remember them, but they make Phantom Fluorite the villain, predictably, so how much of it is trustworthy anyway?

Phantom Fluorite head whips around, followed by an intimidating stalk forward. "I want you off my asteroid. Now."

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me. If you're running from Homeworld, a Sardonyx like you, they'll find you. I don't want them to find you here, with _me_. I want my solitude back, my safety, the quiet! Leave!"

"I- I can't-"

"To blazes you can't! You got here, didn't you? You can get off!"

"I- I can't leave the way I came, I have nowhere to go-"

"What about that Earth place you mentioned? Go there."

"It's such a long way off, I don't know how to-"

"That's not my problem. Fly away off into the stars- I saw you come down! Fly away and get lost for all that I care!"

"I can't!"

"And why not?"

"Because I can't! I'm- I can't-"

"Can't talk?"

"No! I- yes? Augh!" I groan, clenching my fists. "I can't fly away because I'll get stuck! I'll forget how to get back to my original form and I'll exhaust myself and crack and shatter and _die_ and I'd much prefer to at least die on the battlefield rather than wasted out in _space_ like a useless lump!" I shriek, unable to contain myself. Phantom Fluorite seems taken aback by the outburst, but little more than shocked.

"That's still not my problem. My only concern is getting my home back to myself and remaining undetected. Why should I care about you? Why should I allow you to stay any longer than you have?"

"I don't want to die having done nothing for myself. All my life I've served Homeworld and I, I hated it and now I get the chance to really _help_ some gem- I get the chance to make my own choice and make it _matter_ and I don't want to die before- I don't want to die." I break down, tears suddenly streaming down my face. I shove my hands in my eyes, wishing for it to stop, but I can barely suppress my shaking shoulders, let alone calm the fitful tears.

"It seems a bit counterintuitive to join a war if you don't want to die." I look up to see Phantom Fluorite turned away from me again, sort of talking over their shoulder.

"I don't want to die but.. if I'm going to, I want to die doing something, for someone. I want to die trying to be better than Homeworld thinks I am.." I mumble, wiping away tears. Phantom Fluorite is quiet, then sighs loudly, aggravated. They turn around, throwing their hands in the air.

"Fine! Fine." Another sigh, more resigned than angry. "I will allow you to stay for a few cycles." They point to the distant sun. "When that sun has disappeared and reappeared twice, you will have found a better way to leave the asteroid, or you will leave with the way you have. In either case, you will be gone from here on your own power, or I'll disassemble your form and bubble you back to Homeworld myself." The last line is delivered with a touch of a snarl, which then relaxes again. "Touch nothing and keep quiet, or the deal's off. I don't want to see you unless you're _leaving_. Hmph."

WIth that, Phantom Fluorite turns and starts to walk away.

"Th-thank you! But, uh-"

"But what?" They hastily turn around, irritated.

"W-well, it's just that, uh, that there's nothing out here _to_ touch. It's.. it's all rocks.." Phantom Fluorite's face scrunches up as they inhale, mouth tight with aggravation. I did not intend it as an insult, only as a question of clarification.

My intentions don't matter, apparently, as Phantom Fluorite flicks a hand, and, _somehow_ , sends me flying through the air, as though they had pushed me from within the ground itself. I squeak on impact, and kind of just lie there in a daze.

"Now, be quiet and get thinking." I hear them say as I slowly sit up. They're already walking away, arms crossed behind their back, grumbling to themself.

"Oh. Okay, then." I try not to think of exactly _how_ they could have done that, and focus on leaving. My mind is blank, void of any ideas, even stupid ones, and I groan. I have two 'asteroid days' to figure out how to get off Phantom Fluorite's precious rock, and no clue where to start.

… _.._

"... except I have no idea _how_ to get off the asteroid, Sandy. It seems surely impossible without any tools or building materials or a magically less defective gem, none of which I have access to." I explain to the small rock under my arm, expecting no reply. "I'm stuck and desperate. Not a good place to be." I sigh, continuing my walk. "It seems hopeless. I've already spent half an asteroid day thinking to myself and another bit, you know, not quite a half or even a fourth, but a bit, talking to _you_ about it-"

"Talking to a rock, are we?" Phantom Fluorite's voice appears out of nowhere. I look up, and there they are, leaning over a rock formation, looking down at and down on me. I feel myself blush, having been caught. My eyes drift to Sandy, still perched under my arm. My eyes widen and I drop it.

"I'mnottryingtostealyourrockIswear!" I blurt, hands up at my shoulders in surrender. Phantom Fluorite sighs and blinks once, clearly disappointed.

"I don't _care_ about the rock. Much." They mutter the last part, then stand. "But you _are_ out here talking to yourself, and I _did_ ask you to be quiet."

"O-oh. That, uh. It's a problem solving technique." I explain, extremely embarrassed. Once again, Phantom looks entirely unimpressed.

"..Talking to yourself? That's a problem _solving_ technique?" I puff up my cheeks at the insinuation that _I'm_ the crazy one, when just half a day ago _they_ walked off mumbling to themself!

"No! It's not like that, it's-! Urgh, the _idea_ is that if you can explain the problem to someone else, you should be able to find the solution. And I just. It's easier to talk to something than to nothing." I shrug.

"So why talk to the rock that can't talk back?" They ask, the derisive tone almost entirely replaced with calm curiosity.

"Well, I didn't know you were there. I certainly didn't think you'd want to listen to me, anyway. That whole 'I don't want to see you unless you're leaving' thing. And, well, I'm also just used to talking to an object now. No one wants to hear what I have to say." My mood drops from almost joking to morose as I remember my 'fall from grace'. How quickly my people abandoned me once they knew I was broken..

"How do you mean? Aren't you a Sardonyx Overseer? Don't you plan and orchestrate the lives of thousands of gems? Surely _you_ of all gems are listened to." Their visible eyebrow edges upwards, entirely curious. "You're a noble."

"I'm not, though. Not anymore. I'm broken- my memory. It's faulty- so I'm faulty. Once everybody knew.. I became worthless, and so did everything I had to say." I give a short laugh, and look up. "Besides, I'd just be wasting your time. I've been talking circles for who knows how long now, with no solution. I'd… I'd hate to be more of a bother to you than I already am." I shrug, looking down, feeling.. something more than embarrassed, but more than just 'bad' too. I can't remember the word. Not sad, not hurt. Oh well.

"How.. considerate of you." Phantom Fluorite says, bringing me back to the moment. They seem puzzled, but, pardon the phrase, they mask their emotions well. I can't tell what they're really thinking behind that face. "I'll.. I'll leave you to it, then." They give a short nod, which feels as grandiose as a full bow given the way they reacted to my arrival, and disappear behind the rock, presumably back to wherever they usually hang out.

"Huh. That was.. actually nice. Maybe they're not as bad as… Well, I guess first impressions aren't always correct, are they, Sandy?" I mutter, looking at the rock, which floats just off the ground. The gravity isn't quite enough for it to fall and stay there. Too bad gravity doesn't work that way for me, or I'd have leapt away forever ago. If only my gem's gravity appropriation wasn't an automatic function. Were it a conscious function, like shifting or summoning a weapon, I could just make myself lighter and jump away.. But that's impossible. I already tried that.

I lean down and take Sandy back into my arms.

"Well, guess we can start over at square one. I forgot where I was in the story."

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

As she walks away, I almost cannot fathom what I'm hearing.

Well, not the story she's telling the rock. For all that she says her memory doesn't work, she seems to have all the details correct in that regard. No, what I can't believe is that comment about _me_.

"Not so bad?" I say the words out loud, testing them. I have never, ever been told I was anything _other_ than bad. The worst. Abomination. Plaything. Failure. Not so bad. What in all the stars could that mean in relation to _me_?

Furthermore, despite the 'warm welcome' I surely gave her, she seems to respect my wishes, and not just out of fear, as I might do in her situation. Is this what sympathy is? Is this.. kindness? Or is it just an absence of cruelty? None of it makes sense. Sympathy? It is a perplexing, impossible thing to think. My mind reels at the implications, the possibilities, but I wonder and I fear that perhaps I'm looking too hard for something that doesn't exist.

I retreat, away into the hollow core of the asteroid, to think about it, away from her. It doesn't help much, as the hollow nature of the asteroid essentially transmits her footsteps at least, often carrying along muffled snippets of her voice as well. Still, I don't have to look, don't have to watch, don't have to bend or perplex myself with her presence.

And yet I find my mind drifting back to her. The only gem I've seen in thousands of years, too many thousands of years, and the only gem to, potentially, show me anything other than disdain. I reflect on her thoughts, the way they felt, the soft and fluttery nature. Have I been distant so long that my ability to interpret emotions has gone weak and useless, or is it perhaps just this gem's nature? I could swear that every gem I had ever felt before was harsh, horrid, vibrantly loud in my mind. I almost have to reach out to her to hear any of her mind. And though it is a foreign concept, I realize I keep thinking of ways I could assist her.

I could lie to myself and say that it's only in the pursuit of helping myself, like I've always done, like I've always had to do, but it _would_ be a lie. Not entirely, no, because I do want my quiet back. Such a disruption she's been to my well accustomed norm! But I do feel, perhaps, some sympathy for her. Even if I imagined hers, I cannot deny my own. She is like I was, lost among the stars, alone and unused to it. I had no one to help me, no one I could trust anyway, but here and now, she has me. If I chose to help her, that is. I'm not sure how to go about it, not entirely sure why I want to. What is sympathy more than seeing your own suffering in someone else? I surely would have enjoyed assistance in her shoes, I can say that.

But just because I could, should I? It could be a grave misstep for me. Perhaps this is all a trap, a tricky, tricky trap, designed to further break me. I escaped the first time by playing on their weakness; perhaps this is simply the same in kind.

I clutch my head, wishing I could stop thinking about this, stop worrying. I stopped worrying so long ago and now I cannot stop again. I was free from this plague of thought before she came here. Yes, yes! If I offer any help, it should only be to help myself. I'm the only thing I can trust, and she is an unknown, a variable that I do not and cannot understand.

Problem solved, I find a dark crevice to recline in, and try to put my mind to something else.

Try as I might, she seems to rest at the corners of my thoughts..

….

I give up my quest for mental clarity a half-cycle later, and decide to check on her. Her time is almost up, after all, and I did deliver a rather imposing threat if she failed to keep her end of the deal. It only makes sense that I check on her progress, I want her _gone,_ after all. I phase through to the surface, following the sound of her movement.

However, it's limited. She's not even talking, and her thoughts are distant. Is she well? Has she given up? What could be the meaning of this stillness?

I try to deny myself some haste, but I find no reason to delay, and I hurry to her location.

I find her sitting on a rock formation, staring out at the sun. She seems.. fine. I slow myself a bit, trying to regain some image of composure. Although she doesn't _seem_ to hear me, I don't want to be complacent. This.. this could all still be a trap.

I walk up the formation, the natural steps curving around behind her. Briefly as I rise to see her, I catch a look at her face. So unhappy, dejected. What's caused this?

"Why the long face?" I ask as I come round beside her. She turns around, slightly startled. She truly must not have known I was here.

"I, I, uh.." She stutters, her thoughts bumbling and tripping over themselves. Were it not for the soft hum of her thoughts, the quiet would be awkward.

"Well?" I ask, hoping to reset her train of thought, at least. It seems to work, as her thoughts quiet and seem to align. She turns away, her shocked expression trading out with the previous, sorrowful one.

"I can't think of anything better to get off your asteroid. No better way to try to travel. I.. I figure maybe I can hold out until I find a planet we've colonized, and.. I can take a Galaxy Warp to Earth. Maybe, and if I rest occasionally. I.. I suppose that I'm just trying to prepare." Her emotions are.. frightened, discouraged, but also determined.

"If I remember rightly, you said that shapeshifting was.. dangerous for you. Fatal, even."

"Well, yes." She says, and turns around. "But.. you deserve your home back. I've stayed long enough, and, you're right, they might come looking and if they look they _will_ find me. You deserve the safety you found for yourself out here. I can't.. I can't endanger you.." She explains, but none of it makes sense. I quirk my head, trying to somehow make it make sense, but it remains bizarre, alien.

"So- so you'll endanger _yourself_ to, to what, protect me?" Me, of all gems? Of all the creations in all of space, she'd do that… for me?

"Well, yes!" She seems almost insulted that I doubt her. "We are not enemies, and we do share a common foe. Surely, then, I should do my best to at least not cause harm to befall you. What good would it do?" I take a step forward, a strange anger rising in me.

"That's not _sensible_ , though, you shouldn't-"

"That's how I work!" She interrupts. "That's- that's how I decided I want to work. I don't want to hurt others to get ahead, or spare myself. I don't want to be cruel, not ever! And besides," Here she tilts her head, her look turning dark, almost threatening. ", that was the deal anyway. Two turns of the sun and I'm gone. The end."

"But- But-" I shake my head. "That's _stupid_. You'll end up shattering yourself!" I sound petulant, my voice a carping, harping tone.

"So? That's- those are my ideals and there _is no better way_! So why do you- why do you _care_?" She stands, turning fully around to face me, a hand pointing angrily at me. "You're going to get what you want- your home and your safety all to yourself- so what does it matter to you that I have to put myself in danger to do it? Didn't- didn't you say you- you'd poof me and send me to Homeworld if you had to?" She doesn't give me a chance to answer, shortly turning away again, hands in fists at her sides. "I'm going to do what has to be done."

"No." I say it before I can comprehend the thought, the plan, the idea that's sparked to life. Her head veers around, pink hair flying everywhere. She seems incredulous, confused.

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"Take- take your time." I say, chest tight with an unnamed, unknowable feeling. "I've.. I've never been the direct cause of someone else's suffering, and I suppose I'd rather not change that. Like you said, we've a common foe in Homeworld and the, the Diamonds. What good would it do to send you on your way like that? Besides, you've been a pleasant enough 'guest', so.. there's no rush." I explain, speaking my thoughts as they form. I put my hands out in a kind of submission. Before my pause gives room for a reply, I start to walk away. "Yes. Yes, just take your time. No rush at all."

As I distance myself from her, wondering what the _hell_ I've just done, I feel her thoughts shift, fluttering towards yet another feeling I can't name. I hurry away to one of my caves, hoping my idea will work. This confusion has me thinking in self-destructive spirals.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: Rocks and Plans and other things

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

A solid three days pass before I see them again. I spend my time watching the asteroids float by, passing in front of the sun, occasionally bumping into each other. I keep thinking, thinking, scraping the sides of my mind trying to find an idea, any idea, how to safely leave. But I keep returning to that moment. "No." They said. 'No'.

I can't wrap my head around why. I was going to go, I was going to do it, going to give Phantom Fluorite exactly what they wanted, what they asked for, and they said 'no'. And then turning my argument against me, when I thought they couldn't possibly understand my motives, wouldn't care to, and certainly wouldn't agree with them. And yet they do seem to be acting on them. Protecting me.

I still can't understand why, though. When I was received with such fire, such anger. How can two days, even these long asteroid days, change that? I can't conceive of it, but then again, I feel that I am thinking of them more positively as well. At least, less negatively, in any case. I'm not quite afraid of them or their threat anymore, and I get a sense of.. kindness from them. A strange, awkward kindness, but I suppose that's to be expected when you've never had any kindness done to you, either.

"Hello." They say, appearing again at my side.

"Hello." I move my hair out of the way. They're leaning on a rock, arms crossed under their chin, single eye looking up at me almost gently. "I'm still thinking, don't worry."

"Actually, _I_ had a thought for you. That is, if you're not adverse to a suggestion." I'm stalled by the thought of assistance from this solitary gem.

"I.. I thought you wanted nothing to do with me." That catches them a bit, their eye widening ever so slightly.

"Well… I couldn't help but have _some_ ideas on the matter. It's hard to ignore your presence up here." I decide not to take that as an insult, since it doesn't seem like it's intended as one.

"I would love a suggestion, thank you." I smile softly, the tiniest up-peak of the corners of my mouth. Swiftly, Phantom Fluorite rises, stepping around behind me.

"Well," They start, hand gesturing out toward the sun and the distant half of the asteroid belt, ", Every few orbits, a group of ships passes through here, I think to update maps or make shipments or the like. I've checked my records and done my math a few times, and I believe you're in luck. A ship or two should be coming here soon. Very soon." They almost smile, proud of the revelation.

"I.. I could maybe sneak onboard a ship, maybe even hijack an escape pod! I could make it to Earth in no time! I could help in the war, I can prove Homeworld wrong about me, about everyone!" I get wrapped up in the excitement, feeling hopeful, almost ecstatic.

"Yes, exactly!" Phantom Fluorite says, nodding, watching me. I look them in the eye, feeling so.. so happy. I don't quite know what I'm doing as I fling my arms around them, face buried in their shoulder.

"Oh Phantom, tha-" Once more, with that force beyond physical means, I am repelled away from Phantom, though this time I am flung _far_ more violently. I hit the ground hard, the wind knocked out of me. Through the daze of the force and the impact, I look up, seeing Phantom Fluorite towering, far above me. With the sun behind them, their form is a sharp silhouette of shadow, fierce and imposing. I am, for the first time since we met, very afraid of them.

"Ph-phantom-" I stop myself, finally seeing their expression through the light of the sun. Their eye is wide and wild and furious. What have I done? They breathe heavily, obviously trying to reign themself in. Their lips part in a grimace,

"In three cycles' time the freighters will pass through. You _will_ leave then, but _in. the. mean. time_." The look of delirious rage twists their mouth into a horrible snarl. "I will _see_ and _hear_ **nothing** of you."

"Phantom, I'm sorry I-" I'm not allowed to finish, as in a motion to fast to track, Phantom Fluorite uses that, that telekinesis to violently part the rock they were standing on, the tower of red stone I'd been sitting on for days. As the dust fades away, spreading and parting like a curtain in the low gravity, I can see they're long gone, hiding away again.

I gasp, the tiniest breath of shock, and start to sob, holding in the sound as best I can. What did I do? What did I do?

What did I do?

…..

Three days pass in absolute silence. Even the looming travel of the asteroids seem distant and soundless. I watch the 'sky' with an almost obsessive fervor, wishing, for once, to forget why I feel so sick and confused. It haunts me, what happened, not knowing what _really_ happened, what went _wrong_ , but I do my best to push it aside and think only of the ships that will carry me to Earth, to War.

Everything feels as though it's been pushed into doubt. Why why why? Why everything? Why me? Why this? Why? I have no answers, so I focus on the goal, even if it doesn't make any sense. I can't stay trapped in this place of not knowing any more.

When the ships do come, I rise to my feet, excited to move, to act, to drown out thought with motion. They are spread in a '' shape, but they are distant from here, 'above' me and this asteroid. How am I supposed to get _on_ one?

"HEY YOU!" A voice calls over a speaker from behind me. I spin around, realizing that the ship is descending on _me_ , on my location. I freeze in the light, unsure what to do. I wanted a ship, but not like this! I start to run as the eight legs of the freighter touchdown and the loading door opens up, hoping maybe I can turn this situation around, but the icy fear I feel is not a good sign..

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

"Just a little longer. The ships are here, she'll leave, I'll be alone, I'll be alright. Just a little longer." I mumble, over and over, as I have for past few cycles. Soon, soon, it'll all be over. I can forget, or pretend to, and everything will be how I made it. I'll be alone and safe and there'll be no more confusing thoughts about sympathy or morality or war or Diamonds or her face as I pushed her away or her sobs echoing in the tunnels or or or

"A little longer. A little longer. It'll be better when she's gone. I'll be better alone. I'm best alone. Yes. Alone, alone. A little longer and I'll be alone.." My mantra is interrupted by a shuddering that comes from the surface, presumably the landing of a ship. My thoughts race with fear, but I force myself to calm enough to investigate before acting in a blind panic. I reach out, through the stone and the tunnels, to the opposite side of the asteroid.

I can… almost see it. I can _feel_ the shape and form of everything, the rock, the dust, the ship, the gems struggling in the dirt, the-

There she is, making a stand, fighting some stranger, some new, other gem, the one from the ship. The new gem flings some kind of claw-machine-weapon. Sardonyx tries to deflect, but the attacking gem alters the trajectory, and the claw wraps itself and its lead around her torso, squeezing her tight. The new gem pulls, hard, and she falls harshly to the dirt, pointed teeth bare in fear-

"No!" I can't stand to watch anymore. I wanted her gone, yes, but not- not this way, not where I would _know_ , not where I could _see_.

"No!" I stop myself again. "I don't care! She's.. she's just a nuisance! Yes, a stranger and a trespasser and a loud, bothersome nuisance! She, she..!" As much as I can recall the noise and the paranoia she caused, I can also see the gentleness, the determination, her soft nature, and I cannot hold onto the anger. "No.. No, she did nothing wrong. She just wants her own kind of freedom.." I stare, achingly, down at my hands. What have I done? "If they.. if they capture her, they'll.. they'll shatter her. They'll take her back and make a show of it and, and, and it.. it would be my fault." I grow cold at the realization, full of dread.

I rise to my feet, unable to fathom it.

"No. No, I won't let it happen. No.." My resolution turns hard and unshakeable. I won't let this happen. This won't be her end.

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

Even as the Pyrope drags me back to her ship, I resist. I will not go gently, I will not go without resistance. I flip myself onto my feet and pull, but my balance is weak, and she quickly topples me again.

She pulls me violently into her arm's reach, taking hold of my hair, twisting my head to face her.

"There's no escaping, you _rogue_." She growls at me. "No escape!" Nevertheless, I kick and snarl and pull the whole way to the ship. Even as she plugs the handle end of the claw thing holding me into a wall, fastening me to the ship, I try to do anything to damage the ship or her form or the claw. I am wildly ineffective, but I can't stand the thought of submitting for even a second. Pyrope still manages to more effectively bind me with a titanium chestband- something designed specifically to hold rogue gems for transportation. They're impossible to break, I think. At least, they're intended to be. She also puts a face mask on me that keeps me from biting her as well as talking. The plug zooms up and away, as though the surface of the wall was a pool of water to glide across. It's far out of reach, the leash giving me very little room to move. I tug and tug, but the handle won't come loose. I kick the wall with my heel, hoping, begging the universe for some effect, but there's nothing.

"It's fused into the wall and won't revert back without my saying so. You're stuck, rogue. Effectively neutralized." She brags. "Now quiet down, I've got to make a call." I think she adds that last part to mock my forced silence. I give the wall another good kick, and then I call it quits. This is it. This is the end.

I listen in as Pyrope makes her call, an old radiowave communication device. I thought they were put out of service because they're so ineffective for longform communication, but I suppose that it makes sense that ships this far out from Homeworld might still use this technology when travelling in groups.

"... Got it. I will proceed with return to Homeworld effective immediately. Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY, out." There is a sound of a heavy click, the mouthpiece being set into its base, and then a series of electronic 'winks' as I assume she begins using the interface. "Stupid protocol.. Looks like I'm stuck with you, rogue. Stuck with you _all the way_ back to Homeworld for your immediate and public execution. Turns out you made quite a name for yourself in escaping. And getting airlocked out into space? Genius. Truely, the _best_ way to rebel against the Diamonds." Her sarcasm is not lost on me, and I feel my face sinking into a bitter grimace. She messes with the console some more, the only sound being the 'winks' and 'wooms' as she moves or alters information.

"It's a four day journey back to Homeworld from here without warp capabilities, so sit tight and get comfortable. Or not. I don't care if you sit on your face the whole way there. And don't expect me to offer you any consolation or pity! You got yourself in this mess and I honestly don't care beyond the fact that you ruined my flight trajectory, probably permanently. A change in plan like this will probably set me back so much that I'll have to join a new division! Ugh. Not that I liked my division mates all that much. All they ever do is chatter over the com about space dust and garbage. Clods!" She squeaks, falling silent. "You won't tell anybody I said that, will you?" She pauses, as if I can answer. "Oh, who cares anyway, you'll probably forget and even if you don't no one's gonna listen to you. And then my naughty little word will die with you!

That's the one piece of consolation you'll get from me, I guess. You won't die _entirely_ alone. Heh heh." She snickers, like she's clever, but she's not. Still, she is right. This is my end, and I can't see a way out of it. I feel a sense of finality as the wings of the ship come to life, starting to lift us up and away.

"What the-?" She bursts out as the ship begins to shudder, take off failing. "How is this happening, my ship is perfect!" I hear a rapid fire of 'winks' and 'wooms' as she does something to investigate, though I've no idea what. "A- a gem?!" She shrieks, voice cracking. A gem? Who? Wait, Phantom?

"What gem could possibly- OH, it doesn't matter." Another set of interface sounds, and I feel energy in the ship changing. What is it? What's happening? Don't hurt Phantom Fluorite!

The ship lurches up and away as there is a nearly simultaneous explosion outside. No!

"Whatever _that_ was, it won't be able to stop us now." Pyrope says snidely, snickering some more. The ship lurches again, and I hear her face hit the console, and I almost want to laugh at it, not that I could if I did want to. "What now?" I try to see into the control panel, but I'm too low to see anything at all. There looks like a dent or hole in the top, but I can't quite make it out. The next thing I hear is Pyrope shrieking and the shattering of glass. A rush of suction pulls, but I hardly pay it any mind when I see Phantom hop down from the control panel, rushing over to me.

"Sardonyx!" They exclaim. I look up at them from the floor, awestruck and confused. Their eye is full of regret and sorrow as they take in the sight of me bound and gagged, as it were. "Oh, Sardonyx, I, I did not want this." They kneel and gently remove the face mask that keeps me silent. As it hisses, having come unsealed, my mouth drops open in shock. I can feel an indentation from where it was sealed to my face, but the freedom to talk is a gift.

"Phantom.." I say, wistfully, before reality returns to me. "Phantom you have to leave!"

"Wh- Excuse me?" Their expression turns from confusion to indignation, but I cut them off.

"There's no time! The ship is set to follow Pyrope! You threw her out of the front, didn't you?" As I speak, the ship does, indeed, start a rapid descent down to find it's captain. I only know because it followed her around as she chased me, but why couldn't I remember that sooner? Phantom Fluorite and I are both thrown into the air as gravity become relatively zero during the dive. My leash retracts, essentially strapping me right onto the wall.

Phantom floats up higher, windmilling their arms a bit, feeling unused to the weightlessness, or perhaps it's an old familiarity coming back to haunt them? Either way, they float up as the ship plummets, just within reach if I had arms to catch them.

Their eye darts up to mine, asking for help, scared, too scared, and powerless. The ship starts to brake for landing and something in me snaps, unwilling to let Phantom Fluorite fall. I strain against the chestband and it seems to burst like fresh and fragile glass, my right arm coming furiously free and immediately reaching out to catch one of their hands.

Just in time, as the ship slams into the asteroid, ungraceful without a gem behind the controls. I hold onto Phantom Fluorite, even though they could probably handle a fall from this height, I can't seem to rationalize letting go. I strain with the weight and the awkward position, but I refuse to let go.

"Why did you come back?" I explode, emotions pouring through me before I can process them. "They're going to sh-sh-shatter me! Do you _want_ to share that fate?" I cry, unsure why anything is happening anymore. Phantom looks up at me, shocked with disbelief. Their face turns to determination, however, as they pull themselves up to take hold of the plug with their other hand, relieving me of the weight without letting my own hand go.

"No, I don't want to share that fate. We could share something different, though." They give me a confident smile, gripping my hand firmly. "Why don't we live, instead?" I smile, a goofy, wild smile, at the thought. Before I can properly respond, Phantom Fluorite tugs hard on the plug, their gem glowing behind the mask. There's no effect at first, but with a hearty wrench, the wall starts to give, a sick, sucking sound being the only resistance. Then, crack, pop! The handle of the claw weapon is free, plus a large chunk of wall and machinery.

They laugh a short victory laugh before we tumble to the floor. I land across their stomach, earning a thud as we hit. They turn over, groaning a little. However, I explode to my feet, thoughts rushing through me.

"WOW! That was, that was _crazy_! I- I broke _titanium_ chestbands! And- And you-" I shout, breathless and giddy, "You.."

"Uh, yes?" Phantom Fluorite says, sitting on the floor, looking up at me curiously, like I might bite them.

"You came back for me.." I say, offering a hand. I want to ask, 'why?', but the word won't come. They take my hand, and I help them to their feet.

"Of course, I.." Their words fall away, too. What a bizarre time this has been, for both of us. Suddenly, a blast of something hot and white hits them in the face, directly on the mask, sending them sprawling across the floor.

"Phantom!" I immediately yell, but, seeing their form has not poofed, turn to face the attacker. It's Pyrope, with another weird weapon, some kind of.. blaster? It's almost like a construction tool, I suppose, but it's unfamiliar to me. I growl wordlessly, summoning my weapon. "You.. You'll pay!" She only sneers, taking aim again.

"Oh, please! You couldn't take me on with two free hands earlier, what makes you think you can do it with one hand now?" I answer by dashing forward, thrusting my pointed fingertips at her face through the prongs of her weapon. I take hold of her entire fist, and use it as leverage against her to slam her into the ground. Without waiting I pull hard on her arm, flinging her up, over, and away. She lands on her feet, though disoriented. She hastily takes aim and fires.

I catch the blast in my hand, the heat almost distant through the gauntlets, the force of it still tossing me back against a wall. I sit up in time to see Pyrope charging with the prongs of the weapon lit up. I shove myself out of the way, but not quite far enough, and the plasma-like edges of the weapon tear through the titanium chestband, razing it just enough for it to come loose and fall away. We both pause in shock at this development, but I swiftly turn it into an uppercut that shoots Pyrope away from me, up, up, until she falls, landing on the console. Her form disassembles as electric currents shoot up out of the broken panels.

I fall to my knees, tired but proud. "I did it.. Oh, stars, Phantom!" I remember them, awkwardly thrown to the floor, alive, but still. I rush over to them, stumbling. My whole body seems.. heavy, but I persist. I kneel over them, concerned.

Their eye is split wide in shock, pupil narrowed to slits. The mask falls away, the individual pieces making a 'ssssssk' sound as they scrape across each other. They're not made of light, they're not a projection, the mask was.. was a physical object. Destroyed now.. thank the stars Phantom had the mask or else their gem underneath would be.. I can't bear to think of it.

Their gem seems fine, albeit a non-standard shape. I only care about cracks or chips, though, and they don't seem to have any of those. Still, they aren't saying anything. I lift up their head and shoulders and they sit up, as though commanded.

"Phantom?" I ask again. Their eye moves to and focuses on me, but their mind seems distant. Slowly, they return, and draw back, pressing a hand to their gem, shaking violently. Are they, are they afraid of me?

"No, no.." They mumble. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I never- never wanted you to see-" Their voice breaks and they push away from me, turning so the right side of their face is impossible to see. I catch their hand, though, and hold them.

"Phantom.." They slowly turn to look at me, eye still wide, still fearful. "Are you okay?" I ask, so quietly.

"I, um." They falter, unsure. "I'm fine." I let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness, I was starting to worry-" For what seems like the millionth time, I am interrupted by the ship starting to act of it's own accord. Spontaneously, it hurls itself upwards, crushing us into the floor.

"Now what's happening?!" Phantom shouts over the roar of the engine and wind.

"I- I may have broken the console!" I realize it as I say it. I try to look up towards the panel, but the force of the upward motion makes it almost impossible. I glimpse a crackling of light and energy, which cuts out, and the ship stalls. We float, again, the ship appearing to be just outside of the pull of the asteroid's gravity. "Oh, not this again." I'm getting sick of zero gravity.

"Oh stars above, you really did break it.." Phantom says, looking over their shoulder at the console, sparking now. "Wait, is it _supposed to_ -"

The words are drowned out as the engine explodes just behind and below us, expelling us out the front of the ship. The crash through the glass is disorienting, and I feel unable to move, to think, as we start to fall back to the asteroid. A large part of me wants to give up, to allow the fall, allow the crash. This is all so hard and impossible..

"Sardonyx!" I hear, followed by large thin hands pulling me down by my shoulders. "We're going to fall! Sardonyx!" I force my eyes open, just slits at first, then wider as I see the flat-out concern in Phantom's eye. "Oh thank goodness." They smile briefly, then pull me tight to their side with one arm. Their gem starts to glow brightly, and I can almost see the disruption of energy around their hands. It _is_ telekinesis! What a rare power, no wonder Homeworld considered them dangerous!

They use that power to break our fall, turning it from a breakneck crash to a gentle, almost graceful glide. As we near the ground, I pull my feet down, stepping softly onto the asteroid, safe. Phantom sighs, then collapses, face etched with exhaustion.

"Phantom! You did it, you're amazing!" They look up at me, mouth a small triangular smile, but then they turn, harshly, eye clamped shut.

"I'm sorry." They say, scooting away. I want to reach out, to stop them, but I remember the other time I tried to touch them, and I settle for kneeling beside them.

"What, why?"

"I- this, me. I didn't want you to see, didn't want anyone to see, didn't-" They shudder, and they seem.. weak, fragile. What.. what did Homeworld do to them? What did White Diamond do to them? My throat seems tight with emotion, a deep kind of sorrow I've never quite known before. It takes me a moment to clear it, so I can talk. But Phantom doesn't try to leave, and I take that as a sign to keep trying, to keep talking.

"Phantom, I.. I don't care." They look up, then, and I smile. "I'm the same, remember? But.. we may not be normal, but we're not broken, either. I don't think so, not anymore."

"Not.. broken?" They take their right hand slowly from their gem, turning even more slowly towards me.

"Nope, not at all. Look at what you did! Look at what I did! Look at what we did _together_! I never thought- In all my daydreams of- I couldn't-!" I just laugh. Phantom stays quiet, but they don't seem as upset anymore. "But.. If Pyrope survived the explosion, she'll report you back to Homeworld. They'll come looking for you. I still took your safety away, after all that.."

"Well, it's not like I haven't been on the run before." They say with a shrug. "And I suppose I was starting to get stagnant, here all by myself. Maybe being on the run won't be as boring, this time around."

"How.. how do you mean?"

"Well, I was always running alone, before." They shrug again, mouth curled up awkwardly.

"Are.. are you saying you want to come with me? That we'll go to Earth to- together?" They only nod for a moment.

"If you aren't opposed to the company. I know I haven't been.. very.. kind.. thus far. I got a little stuck in my ways of thinking, I suppose, but that's not really an excuse for my behavior. I, ah, I'm sorry."

"I think I understand. I'm sorry I put so much stress on you."

"It's forgiven."

"As are you." I smile, glad to have found an ally, a friend. Even if we do come from such different worlds, or, I suppose, such different _versions_ of the same world, we're similar enough that we can understand each other. Or maybe it's our differences that make us so.. interested in each other.

"So, what now?" I ask, ready to begin.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Four: Where is this going?

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

"So, what now?" She asks, smiling brightly.

"A good question. Let's.. take stock. We've destroyed one ship, entirely, disintegrated the form of one gem, and…" I reach out to the rest of the ships, scanning the moods and thoughts quickly. ".. it looks like the rest are coming to investigate. They don't appear to know about _me_ yet, as they're concerned with how a captured Sardonyx could have done this, but they're heading our way."

"Well, I guess we've got more ships to choose from, then."

"Yes, but it appears the rest have more than one gem on them, or at least the ones I can hear do."

"Hmm. Remind me to ask how that works, later. For now.. I guess we should remain out of sight, come up with a plan."

"I agree." I take hold of her hand, then start to phase through the ground. "Oh, ah, don't let go." Her grip on my hand tightens, and we melt into the asteroid. Like ghosts we slide through the solid material. I can tell she's impressed by this, and very curious, but I can't explain this gift either. We pop out into one of my cavernous 'rooms'. One of the sculpture rooms. It is pure darkness, but I can see with my gem rather than my eye. I don't have time to wonder how _she'll_ see, because her gem lights up, the room cast, for the first time, in warm, yellow light.

"Woah. Did you _make_ all this?" She looks around, still holding my hand.

"Yes. I had a lot of time, and it felt better to do something productive."

"This is amazing. I don't think that I could ever make something as pretty as these.." A hand reaches up to touch one of the sculptures, and I inhale sharply. Her hand jerks back. "S-sorry."

"No- no worries. I am unused to 'company', it would appear." I try to loosen the horrid feeling in my chest, but it won't go. "This, this room is just the abstract pieces. I have others that are a little more.. sensible."

"They're still amazing."

"Thank you." I decide not to tell her that this collection happens to be a collection of anger. She might find them less amazing if she knows they were created with violence and revenge in mind. "Anyway, this place has no entrances, so as long as they don't start digging, we're safe here."

"What if they start scanning for Pyrope?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they're gonna want to find her, so they'll use a, uh.. it's a.. um." She squints her eyes, trying hard to recall some word, some name. "I.. it's a device that hones in on energy, specifically the kind of energy that only a gem can produce. If they do, and they find two gems down here… Well I guess I meant to ask if you thought they even could scan through to us here, but.." She shrugs.

"I think I see. If they start looking, there's a non-zero chance they'll find us, and then they will start digging, or use that blaster, or worse." She nods. "Which means we've got a limited time, as they're halfway here already. Oh stars, alright."

"We need a plan." She says, gnawing on her bottom lip.

"If.. if we can lure them out of their ships, we might be able to sneak out and steal them, while they're looking for us."

"Okay. They're looking for Pyrope and I, so I guess I can be the bait. How can we trap them? Is there anything here that would contain them?"

"Not.. really. Space rocks don't really make for good tools beyond banging them together. Although perhaps we could collapse one of the rooms if we got them down here… Ah, but all my things.." It just occurs to me that I'll be leaving this place, leaving never to return. Even if I wanted to, I don't know exactly where we are in space, so the odds of me, personally, ever finding this place again is.. unlikely. My home, my art, my work and effort, all lost to space, or, if we use my suggested plan, all turned into a temporary prison for these Pyropes..

"We can find another way. Maybe we can trap all of them in one ship, somehow."

"That seems much less likely. It's.. it'll be alright. I'm never coming back here anyway."

"Are you sure? We don't have to. I don't know what this place really means to you, but we can try to leave it intact, at least."

"Thank you, but no. The best way is to use this place as a prison. It won't hold them forever, but it'll buy us time to escape. I'm certain it's the best way."

"Alright. Then how do we get them down here?"

…..

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

"Alright, I'm ready." According to Phantom, the ships have just landed, looking for the Pyrope whose ship we destroyed. We're not going to wait for them to start scanning to find us. I feel funny as Phantom picks me up with their mind, lifting me and phasing me through the solid rock. It's almost what I imagine swimming would be like, but.. also stranger than even that. I can _feel_ the different textures and densities of the rock as I pass through it. How strange, how strange.

I emerge and subconsciously take a breath, not that I need it. It's just so different, going from inside and so close to being part of something to being distinctly separate and outside of it. I feel power over my body return to me, Phantom's telekinesis having let go.

"Alright. Get their attention. Phantom saves me. Trap the Pyropes. Escape." I repeat the simplified plan to myself. Some of the details are a bit fuzzy in my mind, but I remember the important parts. I can only hope I remember the smaller details when they become pertinent. "Get their attentions, get their attentions." I swallow, and walk around a rock formation, where the ships have congregated on the surface, trundling around, scanning the rock for their fallen member. "Get their attention."

All around, chunks of the destroyed ship float harmlessly. I take hold, in clawed hands, a large piece of the outer hull. The slight curvature makes it awkward, but, like a discus, I toss the armored metal at the ships. It collides with one, scratching the surfacing, bounces off, and crashes into another, less damaging. It floats off, useless to me now, but I got what I wanted, the ships turn to me, their headlight beams harsh on my eyes. The ships seem to stare vacantly at me, unsure what to do, though I know it's the gems inside who are uncertain. I take a deep breath.

"INGEST SPACE WASTE YOU CLODS!" I holler, my voice carrying far and wide. I almost laugh halfway through, the ridiculousness of the sentence, the fact that I've never so much as said 'space dust' before, let alone.. those other things. Nevertheless, my insult works, the ships take off, their trundling turned to charging, the pointed legs stabbing craters in the ground. I shriek and start running. Now Phantom has to cleverly pull me back down, prompting them to dig for us.

I start to panic as the ships near, but I keep my head. I leap up onto a rock formation, turn and hold my arms in an 'X' across my chest, the rudest gesture I can think of. For good measure, I stick my tongue out at them. I can almost hear the steam coming out of their ears, the way the ships seem to jump up before continuing their rampage. The heads of the closest two ships collide with the rock wall, the legs scrambling and scraping in an attempt to climb. The impact shakes me a little, but before I can fall, I feel Phantom's telekinesis take hold of my legs, pulling me down. I laugh at the gems in the ships, seeing their shocked expressions as I disappear.

I fall from the ceiling, sort of let go, but I land on my feet.

"Haha, good job!" They say, panting quietly.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes. I'm using my telekinesis so much in such a short time; I'm simply unused to it. But I will be able to continue." They nod, answering my unasked question.

"Okay. Now what? They come down here, we trap them, right?"

"Yes. I'll hide out of sight again, and you'll draw them into that room, there." They point, dramatically, to my right. "That room is smaller and the hallway is less structurally stable, so it'll be easier for me to tear it down and phase you out again. Then, it's a simple matter of hijacking one of their ships and blasting out of this wastefield."

"Right! Draw them into that room." I point, like they did, toward the correct room. "Tear down the hallway, phase out, escape to the stars!"

"Precisely." They say with a small nod, but their expression is loose, tired. I worry that we're asking too much of them in this situation, that maybe we should have waited.

"Are you sure you're not too tired?"

".. No, but it's too late now. We have to follow through."

"I guess.. What if it goes bad? What if they catch me before we can trap them? Or see you, or, or..."

"I.. I don't know. Can you fight?"

"Not well, but, yes."

"Well, do what you can. I suppose we'll.. do what we have to." Above us, the sounds of drills and machinery whirring to life starts. "We still have some time." I only nod, concerned and scared. I imagine what it will be like, fighting again. I kind of remember my sprawl on the first ship, but the mess of limbs and motion is a blur. I mostly remember being afraid. I recall, now, how I managed to poof at least one gem. I hope I didn't do worse.. As much as I can't stand for Homeworld's limits, neither can I become like them. How could I end someone else's life?

"We.. we're not going to- to… _crush_ them… are we?" Phantom Fluorite looks at me, tired. I open my mouth to explain, but they seem to know what I mean.

"I.. I cannot lie that I have happily imagined putting an end to numerous gems in the past, but, like you, I suppose I don't really want to follow in those grim footsteps after all. I.. I certainly hope that we never have to, but they will always be coming for us with that intent.. if it comes to us or them.." The words fall away, but I feel the unspoken 'we should choose us'.

"I'm not sure I can.. prioritize myself over someone else, even if.. even if they want to shatter me."

"Then I will do it for you." Phantom says flatly, rationally, as if it's the obvious answer.

"No, no! I can't ask- You shouldn't- just, no!" I can't put into words how horrible that is. "I… that's not even practical.." Who knows if we'll ever get split up? If we'll ever get captured or poofed? I can't put my mortality in their hands, either.

"I.. don't want anyone to die, ever." I sigh.

"Then.. we'll aim to never do it if we know we can win another way, but if it becomes an eventuality, if there _is_ no other way.. we have to survive."

"Why?" I ask quietly, not entirely on purpose.

"I, well.. Because we don't want to die? Because we want to make our lives and, and maybe even others' better?" I nod. That makes sense, I guess. The drilling is getting louder. It's almost action time. A sort of tension fills the air and my heart. "I'm.. I'll be over here. You remember the plan?" Phantom asks, pausing.

"Lead them there, fight, escape." I say, pointing lamely again.

"Fight, escape, _win_. I'll be right here." I nod, as they tuck themselves into a shadowy corner across the room. I move away, towards the hallway, as rock and dust starts to fall above me. The sound of the drill is nearly deafening as it comes through. The whining scream fills what was just moments ago a peaceful, quiet place. The drill spins a few moments more, then slows and retreats. Lights shine down the hole, and the sound of voices and feet become prominent.

I duck behind a sculpture, just in case they don't come down all at once. It wouldn't do if I only managed to corral a single one, or get captured before I can entice them all. The light grows bright and I can hear someone jump down the tunnel. One by one, four Pyropes land down in the dark with us. As they start to investigate, I walk out from my hiding spot, trying to seem surprised by their arrival. I squeak and take off down the hall.

"Get her!" One of them yells, and the bouncing streams of light tell me that all four are indeed following me. I have enough of a lead that I just duck to the right once inside the room, effectively disappearing. The four barrel into the room, but I slip out behind them. One of them must spot me, because I hear her shout: "Stop right there!" But I don't. I don't stop. I hear them coming after me again, and the walls groan around me. This hallway seemed so short just a moment ago, but now I wonder if it goes on forever.

Finally, the walls crack and burst, the rock being forced to occupy what was once empty space. I hear screams and the definitive sound of a gem's form poofing, but I can make out no sound of cracking or crushing, so I keep going. I stumble back into the main room, and Phantom is quickly at my side.

"I'm- I'm sorry that took so long. I am.. I am exhausted. I don't think I can phase us out.. I don't think I could have phased you out if you got stuck in there with them.. Good- good work."

"It's good they drilled such a perfect hole, then. We can just jump out. Or climb." I nod. They nod as well, but their mind seems distant, unfocused. "Come on. This part is almost over, I'm sure." I take them by the hand, rising and leading them to the hole. The distant light of the sun filters in, casting the room in a fresh kind of ambience. I look at Phantom, the light caught in their eye, and while the thought of how symbolic this must be to them is comforting and uplifting, all I can really see is how tired and slow they seem.

"Hold on." I say, pulling their arms around my shoulder. Their grip could be tighter, but it'll do. I summon my weapon and leap to the opening of the tunnel, and start to climb. This'd be impossible without my gauntlets or those claw whip things the Pyropes carry or Phantom's phasing ability. Any other gem would be hard pressed to find any kind of foot or handhold in this perfectly smooth tunnel carved by the ship's drill. The light from outside is nearly blinding given the darkness of Phantom's home. Still, it's comforting. "Almost there."

I pop an elbow out over the edge, and pull myself up. It's difficult without any foot grip, but I manage. After I'm more secure, Phantom Fluorite lets go of my shoulders and shoves themselves onto flat ground, offering me a hand. They pull me the rest of the way out, the dusty ground scraping at my knees.

"We did it." They say.

"We're almost done." I agree, and pull them to their feet. "Which ship?" Phantom closes their eyes, extending a hand out, as if examining them through touch.

"The third one. Over here. The least damage to the hull." They say assuredly, and lead us over. The underbelly's door is open, rather than the loading ramp. As we step on and the tube closes, a huge sense of relief hits me. We did it. We're doing it.

The ship is a slightly different hue than the last one we were on, the entire inside more orange than red. It's also much more spacious. The other Pyrope, my Pyrope, I guess, had the entire back end and sides full of containers. Containers with what in them, I have no idea, but it must have been a considerable amount, whatever it was. How much damage and lost goods have we caused them already?

This ship is almost entirely empty, the only distinct parts of it being the console on the ground floor instead of being towards the top of the hull, and the six doors to the escape pods. I walk over to the console, the platform so much more approachable on the floor, ready to begin. I wave a hand over the panel, the interface coming to life. I blanch. Everything is unfamiliar.

"I, uh, don't know how to fly this." I realize.

"What?" Phantom asks calmly. They come up behind me, head tilted. They already seem better than they were, eye a little clearer, a little more focused.

"I- I thought I'd know what to do when I got here, but I have- _I have no idea what to do_." I panic, hyperventilating. We're stuck, we're caught, we're dead, it's my fault, I did this, I ruined everything-

"Shush. I know how to fly it. I'm going to be the one flying." Phantom says, as if it were obvious.

"Wh-what?"

"You must have forgotten.. I stole several ships in order to escape, I taught myself how to work several models, and this is well within my understanding. You were never expected to fly." They explain. I sigh, relieved, but also bothered that this key detail was so easily forgotten.

"Oh. Okay. Good." I blink, not knowing what else to do.

"It's fine. It's been a trying day." Phantom says as they take the chair, hands getting to work all over the panel. I try to make sense of the thought process, the decisions, the words and the signs and the buttons and toggles, but it's nonsense to me. "Would you keep watch? It may take me a few moments to familiarize with the layout. Tch- Why would they put that _there_?"

"Sure." I say, but they're already to work again. I walk around to the front most part- a sort of standing space meant for this kind of thing exactly. I watch the hole, but it's dark, and there's no sign of movement. I try to relax myself, knowing this, but all I feel is anxious. The panic of being stuck again won't seem to leave me. The thought of being the cause of our downfall, so soon, so suddenly, bounces around my head. I'm almost dizzy with the feeling of despair.

I keep watch, trying to focus on that, but nothing happens, so my mind gets caught in a cycle of worry, embarrassment, panic, and dread.

"Aha!" Phantom's exclamation breaks the cycle, a few moments later. A hum starts to emanate from the center of the ship. "And now if I do this-" The ship stands upon command. "And then this-" I hear a 'snich-chit' as the wings come unfolded from the top of the ship. "Then we're good to go!" They smile victoriously, standing. "You ready?"

Before I can answer, another voice breaks in over the radiowave communication device. "Pyropes 12R18Y and 2Y18Y, what's going on over there? We're detecting unapproved engine activity and can _see_ the ship preparing for takeoff! What's the meaning of this?" The voice is definitely not that of a Pyrope, but I can't begin to guess who it does belong to, and whoever she is, her voice hear and now is not a good sign.

"What do we do?"

"I don't know. I-" They lift their hand again, searching, somehow. "It's the division leader. A- A Quartz? Her ship is still out there, monitoring the Pyropes. I didn't know they could detect the engine!"

"I don't think I knew that either! Maybe we should just take off anyway?"

"They might use those blasters against us!" Phantom says, shaking their head.

"No, I- they're only short range, and they're not meant as weapons. When you travel out here you have to be prepared for anything and everything, so those 'blasters' are just like welding torches, meant as tools, not weapons. They can't fire long range, so if we skirt out we might be able to outpace them!"

"You knew _that_ but not the other thing?" Phantom asks, incredulous.

"Yes!" I pout angrily, cheeks puffing up.

"Fine! Okay." They close their eyes, looking again. "I don't think they have any kind of other offensive technology or tools or what have you, so I think you're right. We're going to go for it."

"Pyropes 12R18Y and 2Y18Y, answer me!" She sounds furious, even through the interference.

"Best hurry." I say.

"Brace yourself." I return to their side at the chair, and then suddenly I can feel the ship lifting from the surface, slowly at first, then hurriedly up and away. Briefly we start to float, but Phantom, after some fast finger flicking through a couple screens, fixes that. "Engaging artificial gravity." They announce, but it still feels more to themself than to me. Then they return to another screen, and push a switch from the bottom to the top of the board. Our speed increases in sync, and we're quickly hurtling away from the asteroid field and the Pyropes and their unknown Quartz division leader.

Thinking of which, she can still be heard screaming over the radiowave, and even though she's fading out as we dash away and out of reach of the ancient technology, I feel on edge. Finally, though, her screeching disappears and clicks out.

"Alright, they can't mobilize to follow us, and I think their way of tracking ships is short range as well, so we should be out of harm's reach, for now." Phantom Fluorite says, then sighs. Finally, they turn to me. "Now, how do we get to Earth?"

"I don't know exactly-"

"You don't _know_?!" Phantom explodes, seeming very, very enraged.

"Calm down! I'm sure it's in their database! Just- just search for it!" I wave a hand at the control board, expectantly. "You know how to do everything anyway!" I grouse.

"Oh, sure, fine, yes absolutely!" They growl, looking up at me from the chair. I shrink back a bit, but otherwise stay put. "Except there's one problem with that plan! I don't know how to read this garbage! I only know how to make the ship _go_ because I fiddled around with them long enough to find a pattern! This nonsense wouldn't make any sense to me _otherwise!_ " They pound their fists on the edge of the panel.

"How could I have known that!?" I yell back. "Unless I.. unless you told me and I forgot.." It's a very real possibility, given that I forgot who was supposed to pilot. I step back, scared that that's the truth. I pull a hand, in a fist, to my mouth, uncertain. Phantom seems to melt, the anger disappearing.

"No, no, I hadn't told you. I- I assumed you'd know that I was never given any kind of education- that anything I knew was something self-taught or stolen. I- I shouldn't have yelled." Their hand flies to their gem, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. This is all.. so vague. So.. half-formed. Touch and go. It's a lot to stake your whole life on. I can imagine how stressful this is." I bite my lip a moment, then look back at Phantom. "But I can find the coordinates if you can find a database on the ship. I'm pretty sure they're all supposed to have one."

"I- what would it look like?" They ask, turning to the board, hands prepared to act but uncertain.

"Uh.. Like a list. With points and links and.." I stop, seeing I've lost them. "Um.. are there any parts of the board that don't have anything to do with the _function_ of the ship?"

"Oh, yes, actually. I.. I think they'd be.. over here.." They say as they move panels around, pulling up and condensing and hiding various controls until one takes up the majority of the screen. "This. This is a part of most ships that I've never been able to get to _do_ anything. It only brings up more of.. this. And you can input these, ah, symbols on this part of the board… here." A keyboard pops up.

"Yes, this is it exactly! This is where they store data, locations, logs, anything to do with information, even stuff about the ship. I'm sure the design is in here somewhere.." I say, leaning over Phantom to look at the initial screen. There's a place to make a request, but I can't type with Phantom in the way. "Do, uh, would you mind if I took a seat?"

"No, no, of course." They say, and rise, trading spots with me.

"Okay, uh.. 'maps'. We'll start with maps. Maybe there's an autopilot function." I type in the word, but nothing comes up. "Okay, no maps." I type in 'autopilot', and a new screen pops up to the left. "'Input destination', it says. Okay, good, we've got an autopilot. Um.." I type in 'Earth', and fourteen different interstellar paths pop up, all ending at the same place.. Earth.

"What? What is it? Is this what we want?" Phantom asks when I remain silent.

"Oh, yes. It's exactly what we want. That's the Earth…" I point to the map, to the place where the dash lines converge. "And we've got a lot of options for getting there. All these lines are a different way we can get there."

"Why not just go straight? Why all these turns? This isn't like a building; we're in open space."

"Well.. I think these are refueling points. These ships are supposed to travel long and fast, but nothing can go on forever."

"So.. so we have to choose when and where we'll meet up with more gems for more fights to even _get_ there?"

"Unfortunately, it looks like it. I didn't realize how much more inefficient these older ships are.. I'm fairly certain newer ships can go on for much longer.. Ah, this section over here, it looks like it's got a bunch of stats about the ship. I think.. I think we're mostly full, or whatever, so we can probably go as long as… here," I point to one of the further planets on the first leg of the trip. ", before we really _need_ to stop, but.. we will have to stop."

"Great.." Phantom groans.

"I know it's not ideal.. And there's no guarantee we won't run into other convoys or warships on our way there either. Homeworld is here, and a majority of our most powerful colonies are all in the adjacent planets and star systems, so they'll all be heading the same direction as us, at different speeds and trajectories.. Huh, it might be easier to steal another ship than to try refueling, aha."

"Wait, really?"

"W-well, I was joking but, uh, maaaaybe?" I shrug. "Any of this is, hopefully, a long way off. At our current speed it'll take… a month to get to any of these planets." Phantom quirks their head at me, questioning.

"What's a month?"

"An amount of time, like a day."

"What is.. a day, exactly?"

"A… a day is the amount of time it takes a planet to rotate such that the sun disappears, creating 'night', and reappears, creating 'day'."

"Why is day both a measurement of time and a specific part of itself?" Phantom's eyebrow raises, curious.

"I.. I don't know." I shrug. "Definitions change over time.. I don't know."

"All right. How long is a standard 'day'? I assume there's some sort of standard, if the Diamonds have control of so many planets."

"Good assumption. A standard day, one that all our clocks use, is fifty hours. An hour is one hundred minutes. A minute is one hundred seconds. A second is.. the shortest of the easiest measurements of time. If you count in a steady voice, one-one hundredth, two-one hundredth, three-one hundredth, you get a sense for how long a second is. There's a clock here on the board that keeps track of the, ah, exact measurements. See these rows of numbers changing? Each one represents an increment of time. The furthest over is the second. It'll go up the fastest. Then the minutes, to the left, go up every one hundred seconds, and then the hour every one hundred minutes, and the day every fifty hours."

"So, then, how long is a month?" Phantom asks, seeming to understand. I hope I'm explaining this well enough.

"A month is twenty days."

"Goodness… a good many seconds in between here and there.. How can you determine the time it'll take to travel?"

"By our speed. And I know the distance we are from our first objective."

"Explain."

"We measure speed by so many increments of space per increment of time. So.. we have standard units for measuring space, too, like meters and kilometers. We usually measure travel through space using the size of Homeworld as a single unit, given the enormous size of our planet. I, ah, don't know the exact size, but it's somewhere around half a million kilometers. A kilometer is a thousand meters, and a meter is, uh, well.. I think I'm nearly exactly two meters tall."

"Stars! That's.. oh heavens."

"Can.. can you comprehend that size? Just based off the rough measurements?" I'm a little amazed at Phantom's ability to math if they can make sense of all those numbers so easily.

"After a certain point it's a little hard to really.. fully understand, but I'm sure it's close enough. I'm not sure why I'm surprised our home planet is so large, though, since it houses that monstrosity."

"Monstrosity? There aren't monsters on Homeworld.."

"White Diamond lives there." They say bitterly.

"Oh. Oh, yes. In that case, I suppose there's lots of monsters on Homeworld." Could I have been considered one of them, once upon a time? I tried to be kind, but was I still blindly hurting the gems I led? Is there anyway to know how much damage I may have done while still loyal to the Diamonds?

"Anyway. Homeworld as a space meter?" Phantom waves a hand, gesturing back to the console.

"Oh, uh, yeah. So Homeworld is, like you said, our basic unit of measurement for space travel. Our solar system is about a half million H.U.s long. The distance from our system to the next nearest is twice that. We, right now, are trying to go three times _that_ distance. And that's only counting our first estimated stopping point. Earth is.. seventeen times that distance."

"How many thousands of kilometers are we passing through, right now?"

"Uh… we are going… very fast." I bite my lip. I can see the gauge in front of me, but I can't seem to make sense of the actual number, how large it is, what it means.. "I'm sorry, it's.. it's a very large number. The ship is calculating it but I- it's not making sense right now."

"That's fine. If I have even the vaguest sense of it, it really is a lot to try to comprehend. So… twenty days, one thousand hours, one hundred thousand minutes, or ten million seconds till we arrive, am I correct?"

"Uh.. I, um, think so?" I blink. I didn't take to math like that when I was first introduced to it. "Th- the days aren't _exact_ so.. approximately, yes. Ten million seconds, all that."

"Amazing."

"Hm?"

"All of this is just.. amazing." They gesture out the front window, stars blazing past us. Their gaze turns wistful, then somber. They look at me, cautious. Finally: "Could you teach me to read? To write?" Phantom looks hopeful, curious, excited. Their face is so soft compared to just a few moments ago, when we were yelling and fighting.

"I, I could try. We certainly have the time."

"Then, please, show me." They say, hands pressed to the board reverently.

"Alright." I say, and smile. I clear the board, and open up a log. "Our written language is built on concepts rather than sounds…"


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter Five: To Define and Defy

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

"Alright, so this symbol with this symbol like this make this one mean… 'to _not_ understand', correct?" Phantom Fluorite says, typing into the log. It's not the best platform for learning, but it's what we have.

"It's more 'to _fail_ to understand', but yes, the second symbol, the second _word_ , that is, negates the core meaning of the first word. The rest is nuance."

"And that word can be used with any other word that is an action rather than an object or a person, yes?"

"Yes. Words that explain actions are, uh, verbs, I think. A noun refers to the object or person."

"I see.." Phantom says, pouting curiously at the screen. "So, then, that word plus this one.. should mean 'to not know', rather than 'to not understand'."

"Yes!"

"This all seems very roundabout and illogical." Phantom smirks, lips curled in mild amusement.

"It starts to make more sense when you start writing whole sentences. So I'll write… 'I.. am… Sardonyx'. The verb tells you what's happening to the noun."

"What kind of word is 'I'? How does it fit into the sentence structure?"

"'I' is like a noun, but also not. It's used in place of a noun, so we're not always saying things like 'sardonyx does this or phantom does that, sardonyx is this'- we don't _talk_ like that. I.. don't remember the word for it, but it's a placeholder for the noun or nouns- you know. It makes sense out loud. In writing, it's much the same. This word here is 'I', and it refers to the person speaking, in this case, me. 'I' attached to the verb 'am', to exist or be in a state, 'Sardonx', my name, well, gem-type. Does.. does this make sense?"

"Yes. It's much the same as out loud, just, a slightly different order. Memorizing all the symbols and how they connect will be much harder than understanding the structure of written language."

"A good way to learn is just to read as much as you can. I'm afraid the ship won't have any _entertaining_ reading material, but there is the crew's logs, the manifesto, the manual… I'm sure you'll pick it up quickly." I smile at them, earning an embarrassed slip of a smile back. "You're much faster at this than I ever was. I wonder if that's because you're inherently more clever, or if my faulty memory was something to do with it, or if it's just the stage of life we started learning in.."

"Why would it be the latter?"

"Well, we.. we came out of the ground and were given numbers and put to learning and then to work- it was all so fast and sudden and new, all at once and- and everything seemed so confusing for such a long time.. You, you've gotten a taste of life before trying to fill your head with all this new information. You have a stronger grasp of concepts and reality both than I did when _I_ started learning. I just.. wonder if that time to grow is what's making all this," I gesture to the log, with our practice words and examples, ", so much easier for you. But it really could be that you're just naturally smarter than I am. Sardonyxes are meant to be clever but there's no telling how.. how much I stray from the norm." An awkward, immutable silence follows my voice, neither of us really knowing how to continue. I stare at the words on the screen, wishing I hadn't said anything.

"Do you remember what you told me, after we destroyed Pyrope's ship and I- I panicked and thought you'd hate.. this." They gesture to their gem, pulling away a bit. "Do you remember?"

"I.." I don't. I remember their fear, the anxiety, the self-loathing so evident in their eye, and I remember not being able to stand it. And then, and then… "No. Not really."

"You said we aren't broken. We might be different, but we're not broken."

"Oh, that's nice. I said that?" They nod, patiently. I feel like a freshcut- straight out of the ground, not knowing anything, needing to be guided and taught and controlled.

"You did, and I think it's true. Even if you aren't up to Homeworld's standard, it's a toxic and limiting standard. You're still smart and knowledgeable and helpful. You're still the gem that did everything Homeworld told her not to do, everything they said you couldn't do."

"I.. I suppose I am. But what if I forget I did all those things? Already, so much is.. distant. I never realized how bad this was.. On Homeworld, everything is the same. It builds on itself and there's endless records. It's not surprising I went as long as I did without being found out, but it _is_ surprising how much I failed to notice I was forgetting.. I can't even know all of what I've forgotten, there's no one.. no one to tell me. No one to point out the disparities of what I did or noticed or felt and what's left after I forget." Phantom nods, understanding. They put a hand to their mouth, thinking.

"You _could_ write down everything you remember of Homeworld, of your life, and keep adding to it, day by day, here. Keep your own log. I could try to keep one as well, for practice. But, ah, more for your sake, I could.. read your log, and remind you if I notice you've forgotten anything." They shrug. "I'm not sure how practical that is, but everything's new again, isn't it?"

"I agree. I think we can give it a try. Already, you seem to do that, though. Have you noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

"You keep reminding me, when it's obvious I've lost something. I think it's been helping." Even just this session, sitting in front of the log, practicing words for what has likely been a day, I can recall a few times where I lost track or couldn't seem to remember what we'd been talking about, exactly, and Phantom's gentle nudge sent me back on the right track.

"No, I hadn't realized. I'm glad it's been helping, though."

"Thank you. Ah, should we take a turn trying to write now, or would you prefer to read some, first?"

"It's a shame we can't do both at the same time.. Seems impractical for there to be only one place to make logs or do research." Phantom notes, looking over the board, searching for a way to double the screens. I don't think such a way exists, but they do remind me-

"I think there should be another place where one of us could write. I think.. I think the control panel is the only place you can search the database, in these older ships, but there should be.." I stand up, looking around the ship again. I could swear that there's supposed to be another hub of some kind where I could write, at least.

"Oh, look here. The manual- I can't read all of it- but it _looks_ like there are panels in the escape pods exactly for this reason. Which also makes sense if they came prepared for any eventuality." Phantom calls over the chair's back.

"Oh, good!" I call back, and head over to the closest pod, the first on the left side.

"Wait- it looks like they're all locked, except one. It's.. on the right side. The first one on the right."

"How do you know?"

"The other five all have a pictogram of a lock over them. The open one is a blue color, too."

"Okay!" I trot over to the correct pod, and find the door opens as I approach, which the other one did not do. "It's open!" I peek inside, but dip right back out. "Would you like to read up there? I can start writing my log in here, and you might be able to access it from over there, later."

"If you'd like. What if I don't know a word?" Oh, that's right. What we've gone over is a small, small amount of our truly vast language, and I'm sure I've gotten them nowhere near close to fluent yet..

"Uh, just try to figure it out with what you do know, and if you can't reason it out, come ask? I won't mind!"

"Alright then!"

With that sorted out, I duck into the pod, looking around. This is new and interesting. I've travelled before, but only in tiny single use ships or by warp pad, and I've never been inside any of the emergency escape pods for any deep-space faring ship. There was never any need.

The control panel looks just like the larger one out in the main part of the ship, just smaller and slighter darker orange in tone. The lighting in here in general is a lot less bright, but I think I welcome the change. Even though we spent much of the time focused on words and language, the bright orange of literally everything was starting to mess with my eyes.

I sit down at the chair in front of the control panel, and find that this layout is much more familiar, much more like my personal unit used to be. There's still oodles of flight related screens and panels, but they're more easily pushed to the side in favor of the log function. It looks like there's audio and video capabilities as well as a standard type-written format. I've never recorded myself before, so I feel uneasy trying it now for the first time, especially when I might be interrupted. Better to have solid words written down than to lose those spoken out loud.

I get to typing, starting with today.

 _Sardonyx, unknown facet, unknown cut: Log one_

 _Yesterday we stole this ship. We took it from a division of Pyropes, who had found us on the Asteroid where I ended up meeting Phantom Fluorite. The legendary Phantom Fluorite! I couldn't believe it at first, because all of the legends say that she- who's really more of a 'they'- was punished for defying Homeworld and for being different. But it's really them!_

 _They're more amazing than any story ever allowed me to believe. Of course, it was blatant propaganda in favor of the Diamond's eternal and omnipotent rule, but still. To be considered 'dangerous' is quite an accomplishment, but they're more than simply 'dangerous'. They are… indescribable. Perhaps I'll try to anyway, sometime. Describe them, that is._

 _I have been trying to teach them how to read and write, given their treatment of them in their early life, and they have been taking to it exceptionally well. I cannot fathom how quickly they process these concepts, which were so difficult to me in my youth.._

 _But that's why I'm writing this down. So many things seem difficult now. I was incredibly safe on Homeworld. I was.. coddled, protected from myself. I had no idea how much I was missing, I still don't, really. Phantom thinks it'll help if I write down what I remember, day by day, so that's the goal of all this._

 _Today I'm starting with everything I can remember up until today, to be amended or addended at a later time._

 _In the beginning, I seemed like every other Sardonyx. There is the small matter of my pointed teeth, but they were shrugged away. They are well within normal parameters, even if there aren't any other Sardonyxes with that 'mutation', so I was allowed to live. I remember being confused about the fuss, what all the arguing was about, why they seemed so angry at me, but it passed, and for a time I forgot I was different at all. Not that I had the pointy teeth, but that there was something wrong with them being that way._

 _I struggled greatly with my education for a long time, but eventually, it seemed to click well enough. I think now that it was the resources I was given that allowed me to succeed. Were it not for databases or memos or schedules or reports, I would have gotten lost. But with these things, I more than met the average- I believe I was quite exceptional. Through all my notes I started to notice patterns, a flow in the way gems worked._

 _I can hardly remember it now, any of it, but I think that my realization was that gems who are happy are more productive and more effective. I don't know how I got the study started, and I don't remember all the numbers or the graphs or the theses and papers, but I remember affirmation after affirmation that my realization was right. Gems who loved their work, who were happy, did better than those who didn't or weren't._

 _What could be done with this information? Well, try to make things better, of course! I wanted to grant more leniency to the gems whose lives I controlled. I wanted to let them choose, at least a little, what their lives would be like. I had centuries of data on my side and then-_

 _And then the war started. I was against it, at first. I hate the thought of violence and death. But as more and more information came flooding back from the battlefield, the new Diamond's only planet, Earth, the more I realized these gems who resisted Homeworld so much thought just like I did. And then the strangest thing happened. I forgot about the war. Continuously._

 _I don't remember all of how it came to light, but to forget such a large event, such a world changing thing as_ _ **war**_ _, called for investigation. I never made physical note of it occurring, and so whenever I returned to my work, I forgot it was happening. "There's a war?" I would ask, time and again, and then vaguely remember it. Gems started to notice.. I.. I remember lots of tests of varying natures, including testing my form for flaws or inefficiencies, but there was nothing. They turned to my gem, then. And they found the problem there._

 _A small misalignment of gem strata- the tiniest incongruence in what should have been my memory center. Gem structure is very vague and difficult to study, but there are small things we know to be true. Size, shape, and internal structure all connect and make up the person inside. All affect performance, personality, intelligence, purpose… And where one is imperfect, everything else is imperfect, too. This misalignment, this impurity, whatever it is, is what's caused my memory issues._

 _Suddenly, it seemed, I was worth less than the most useless scrap of rock. My voice was nothing, my data was nothing, I was nothing. I waited around to die, but the system forgot me in the heat of the war, and so, once again realizing that my like-minded peers were on the other side of the war, I decided to do what they did. I decided to rebel._

 _I think I stowed away on a ship, but that didn't turn out too well. I ended up in empty space, but not for long. I drifted into an asteroid belt, and I somehow landed safely. It was then I met Phantom Fluorite!_

 _I think we argued. They wanted me to leave because I would attract attention to their home, but for some reason, I couldn't leave how I came. I remember thinking it was too dangerous, but I can't recall what seemed so dangerous. So they let me stay, with a kind of time limit. Over that stretch of time, a few days, I believe, they became friendly, or at least friendlier. And then they offered me a kindness, a suggestion to safely leave, one that I could not have guessed or discovered on my own._

 _But I must have done something horrible to upset them, because they blew up at me, literally, and I was alone for a long time after that. I remember being captured by a Pyrope and heading back to Homeworld, but Phantom appeared and stopped the ship. They saved me, and I think I saved them? The events are already hazy to me, despite this being only two days ago. I think. Some things are clearer than others._

 _I know that we destroyed one ship, but lured several other Pyropes into a trap to steal another ship. We've been running ever since! I think we're on our way to another Homeworld affiliated planet, first, though, for refueling. That will still take some time, but I feel anxious when I think about having to face another city, another fight. I don't feel very strong or agile or useful when it comes down to it, but I also know there is no other way._

I pause, wanting to continue, but I feel all out of words. What more can I say about it? I'm scared. I sigh, wishing I could go back. I'm not sure to when, but long enough that I hadn't started to feel this way yet. Still hopeful, less frozen with worry.

"Sardonyx?" Phantom calls me from the entry. I didn't even hear the door open. They lean in, hanging on the doorframe.

"Yes?"

"Would you mind telling me a few words? I kept a list so I wouldn't bother you too much.."

"Absolutely no problem." I smile and rise. "What did you decide to read?"

"The manifest. I think they're technical words, since they're very long and seem to be describing something specific about the ship's purpose.."

…..

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3: Log one_

 _I've read Sardonyx's log and it has not helped me decide what to do with mine. It's been three days now- She says I am essentially fluent, but I feel as though I must keep asking her how to write certain words constantly. I hope I am not a nuisance to her in this regard._

 _It has been an exasperating few days, nonetheless. From leaving my truest home to exhausting myself telekinetically to all this confounded learning- a word I had to ask for, I'll have you know. She giggled at me- "Confounded?" She asked. Yes, yes it's all confounded! She smiled and typed the word in- "Confounded." She said, grinning, and left._ _ **She's**_ _confounded, too._

 _It's all so enlightening and new, but also frightening and tiresome and new. I am torn. Half of me is quite glad to be experiencing something entirely new, while the other half reels and clings to old habits fearfully. Solitude is easier than I might have imagined with a travelling companion. Unless I need a word, she stays in her pod and I keep the ship on track. The quiet is almost reminiscent of the asteroid field. Only the sound of planets and stars whizzing past gives away the illusion. And even so, the sight of the stars, both near and distant blurring beneath me is quite a sight to behold. This is one of the experiences I'm quite glad to have._

 _Another is conversation. I had never had a conversation before, and now it seems I have them all the time! It's quite a marvelous thing to speak your mind and be heard and receive a response from someone who isn't yourself, and also isn't going to attempt to shatter you. What a wonderful feeling, too, to then respond to them, to have an opinion and react, in real time, to someone. It's a wonder anything gets done on Homeworld, if they all have privy to this so commonly._

 _Though Sardonyx says that things are different on Homeworld. They don't really talk unless necessary. I wonder, then, if this bout of education was only a necessity, because she does otherwise remain quiet.. Sometimes I find myself craving her attention, and it scares me. I have never needed attention before, in fact, in my not-distant-enough past, attention was a dreaded thing, for it always meant shocking or derision or dancing for Her Radiance the Diamond.._

 _Another thing I can hardly believe is that there are three new Diamonds. Three! One eldritch horror was enough, thank you, and now there's three more of them roaming around,_ _ **actively**_ _conquering planets. I shudder at the thought, and quite regularly too._

 _I fear the day we have to meet with more gems. I was and even am still exhausted from my little debut on the asteroid; so much in such a short amount of time. I believe we are nearly halfway there, and I feel entirely unprepared._

 _From her log, Sardonyx feels that way as well. She doubts herself, but she seems to most easily forget her own worth. That day, she lured all the Pyropes into our trap, carried me out, taught me to read, to write. She broke those chestbands to catch me when I felt powerless. I might have been fine, but she did the impossible for me. For me! I cannot seem to absorb it, the faith she puts in me. Even from here, I can feel the stock she puts in my character, but how easily I anger and yell! How quick I am to scathe and moan and curse and growl!_

 _How she can see beyond that is, well, beyond me-_

I stop typing, my thoughts interrupted. A sound comes from her pod, where she types or reads or whatever she's been doing. I am a bit embarrassed, suddenly, to not know what she's been up to all this time. How many days have we sat apart from each other? Is that healthy? Is that normal?

Will she forget me, if we carry on like this?

I follow the sound to the pod, curious and concerned and even a bit scared. I've never felt those things all at once before. The door opens quietly, revealing her in the center of the pod's open floor, albeit a small amount of floor, doing.. something. She moves.. unnecessarily, but prettily, with flow and thought and grace. I know there's a word for that but it escapes me.. Simultaneously, she vocalizes wordlessly, mouth closed. Her eyes are closed, and I get the feeling all this is instinctive.

Afraid to break the moment, but too curious to stop myself, I cough, catching her attention.

"Oh!" She stops, turning to me. "I'm sorry!"

"What, no, don't be! I- _I'm_ sorry! For disrupting you, that is. I just.. wanted to know what you were doing."

"I, ah, I guess I was dancing." The old word clicks in my mind, a horrible thing I'd shut out long ago. But in this new context, it is almost.. nice.

"I.. I knew that. I meant the thing with your voice. You weren't talking but.." I grasp, literally, for something to define it, but I do not have any words, written or spoken or conceptual, to describe it.

"Oh. Humming. It's like singing but, no words. I'm- I'm not very good but I always wanted to give it a try."

"What is singing? I thought you sounded lovely.." She presses her lips together at that, shrugging.

"Singing is.. like talking, or poetry. It's just. Prettier. It's a kind of music, I suppose. We didn't have a lot of time for music on Homeworld.."

"Music.. What is it's purpose?" I lean in the doorway. So many things to learn, so many questions to ask.

"It, uh, doesn't really have one. It's. It's a form of expression, like your sculptures, but it doesn't do any concrete, trackable good, like writing a log or, or building a ship. It's just nice."

"Hm. Nice." I repeat. It _did_ sound nice. It even felt nice to hear, in a way. "What is poetry?"

"It's kind of like a song. Oh wait, uh- it's an organization of words, meant to, to _really_ mean something, something just saying it won't capture. I guess you could say that poetry is just a really _pretty_ way of speaking. It usually also has a structure to it, like a repetition of, uh, sounds. Like how 'bad' and 'sad' sound the same. Or using a similarly sized sentence length all through out. So… uh… a really simple poem might go 'I am sad, I feel bad, There's nothing out there, to make me glad'. The sentences are all similarly sized, and they end in words with similar sounds.

Poetry is something the courts engage in more, as a sign of their intelligence or creativity, their freedom and closeness to the Diamonds. I was never part of any _court_ , exactly, so I've never written any myself. I know I've read some, but I can't remember any examples and I'm fairly certain there's no kind of record of them on one of _these_ ships. Maybe if we steal an _arm_ ship there'd be a way to access them." I want to ask about what an 'arm ship' is, but I'm more curious about these poetry and music ideas.

"And so a song is an abstraction of poetry?"

"Yes. A song is a poem that's, well, sung. A song usually also has instruments accompanying them, but not always. An instrument is a device, any device, really, that produces sound. Lots of Pearls are created such that they don't have a _weapon_ but they do have an instrument. They're very rare, as they're hard to make, and they're not really, ah, 'good' for anything else. They usually come out mute- their only way of communicating being their instrument- and they often can't seem to understand anything other than music. A lot of upper-crust gems consider them burdens in that regard, so to have one shows just how many resources you have, how useful you are to have something so useless…" She pauses, her face growing dark as her lip curls angrily. "I hate that so much."

"Pardon?" I ask, the tiniest bit disturbed. Her fluttering thoughts have turned dark and heavy, unusual for her.

"Huh?" She blinks, and the darkness is gone from her face and mind. "Did I say something wrong?"

"You said 'I hate that so much'. Do you hate the, the musical Pearls?" I try to regroup my thoughts.

"Oh! No, no, oh goodness, no! I- I meant I hate how much they're limited. How they're regarded as both a nuisance and a valuable. A sign of nobility but also a mark of shame. On their own, they're not worth anything. Only by 'belonging' to some other gem are they considered to have any value. It's such a backwards and cruel way to treat another person. And to distort their minds before they're even alive such that, such that they can't _understand_ like others do, it's so.. so horrible."

"I don't understand.." Her tone is.. frightening.

"I- They purposefully make these gems 'stupid' and 'useless', then mock them their entire lives for having those qualities! And- and then they treat them like a- a commodity! It's different for me- my flaws are all on accident. It's bad enough they blame me for something that's not anyone's fault, but they blame those gems for things they were forced to have and be! They.." She grits her teeth, and her thoughts boil out, filling the room with anger, maybe even hate. This, this is the sharp kind of thoughts I am used to, so out of place in the soft mind of Sardonyx. I try to push the thoughts away from my mind, but they flood the room, inescapable. "They're so _cruel._ "

"S-Sardonyx, please.."I whimper, gasping for relief. It's so familiar, the anger, the hate, the sharp and toxic sting of it, but I am so unused to feeling it from anybody else in so long that it's consuming me. And it isn't warm or fiery like I know myself to feel- no, her anger is cold, precise, exact. It's like being run through with ice, my very form shuddering at the unreal sensation.. "Please, stop.." I can barely speak. But she hears me that time, and the anger cuts off, instantly.

"Phantom?"

"I'm sorry, I just, it got a little heavy, there."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry. We were.. we were talking about something else, weren't we?"

"Yes, music."

"Right, yes. Um. W- where was I?" She bites her lip, a single pointed tooth showing. She does that when she feels bad. Even if I couldn't feel her thoughts, it would be so obvious.

"Poetry sung with 'instrument' accompaniment."

"Oh, okay. So, usually you'll have some kind of other sounds being made while you sing. Something to keep the time-" She taps rhythmically on the control panel for a moment. I nod. "- and something to provide a bit of flow. Ah.. I can't really replicate it with anything we have here. There are stringed instruments that make almost voice-like sounds, kind of like humming. Then there are some that need air pushed _through_ them to make a sound, and it's kind of like- Drnn drnn drnnn! And others that are more like-" She whistles, lips pursed funnily. "- and they come together, somehow. I never understood that part, how to decide what sound goes where while also putting words and voices together, but they do, and it can be beautiful."

"I see. I don't suppose you have any examples of those, either?"

"No. And I can provide even less of a demonstration. It usually involves more than one gem, and they have practice and knowledge and.. I don't have those things." She shrugs. "Sorry."

"Oh, no, it's all well! You have provided more than enough by way of explanation! I would like to try my hand at some of them. See what I can do." I am eager, too eager. Already I can think of a few solutions to the problems of how, already I can see myself long and hard at work, _making_ something again. I may not have my sculptures, but these ideas are something I can play with and take with me!

"I'm sure you'll be good at them." She smiles, but she seems sad. Looking down, she walks around to the chair, the 'captain's' seat of the pod, back turned to me.

"Is something.. wrong?"

"Not with you, no! The opposite, in fact!" She laughs, swivelling the chair around a bit, but it's awkward. Her thoughts are uneasy, like a flag waving without wind- unnerving. "I'm.. I can't help but be a little jealous how easy all this is for you. You get math and language and art so well.. they're all things I struggle so much with. The, the art perhaps a little less so, since it's about feeling sometimes and I'm certainly good at feeling, but still. I'm sure you'll take to it like.. well, I'm sure you'll pick it up fast.

And that's not to say you won't struggle, either, but you seem to solve your problems so quickly, almost effortlessly. I feel like there are always walls in front of my current thought, blocking out the next one. Everything is a battle, an enormous effort to overcome before moving on to face the next one.. and again and again and so on forever. There's nothing.. easy for me."

"I think I.. understand. I didn't mean to make you unhappy by-" She stops me, waving her hands.

"No, it's nothing you could control! It's me, being silly and stupid and vain. Ha, maybe that's what's easy for me.."

"Oh, now don't think like that!" For the first time, I move _into_ the pod, taking a seat on the bench that runs along the round interior. I sit just beside her chair, the control panel to my immediate left. She sits directly in front of me, the swivel chair turning to face me. "I.. I don't really know what to say, only that I know.. I feel.. that you're so much more than what you know or do _now_. And all of these things that _I'm_ doing are all because you made them possible. I did take to them easily, but much of that can be attributed to your ability to explain it so well. And you know _so much_ , as well, so many things. I'd bet that there aren't any other gems out there was as well-rounded knowledge as yours!" She scoffs at the last part, but I don't feel like arguing that particular point right now. Anyway, she replies:

"Even if I can't remember half of it when we need it?"

"Yes! Look how far we've gotten because of what _you_ knew."

"I.. I suppose that's true." I don't feel as though she believes me, but not for lack of trying. She _wants_ to believe, but her doubts are too great, too long-running. I feel the sting of doubt- I am so, so familiar with it, that to feel it in her mind is almost like finding another kind partner. But part of me can't bear that of the two of us, she feels the sting as well.

"And.. and you're very kind." I add on, a little desperate to alleviate her sadness.

"I- I'm what?"

"It's the most amazing thing about you, I think. In the short time we've known each other, you've shown me more kindness than I knew could _exist_. I'm baffled by how easy it is for you to instantly turn your thoughts and feelings to someone else. And not just me, either, but all the unknown gems out there who you feel passion and sympathy for. How angry you got on behalf of the musical Pearls, how you spent centuries collecting data to give lower gems power over their lives! I could never- had never- before. All my thoughts were of my own suffering. I was.. so cold. I still am, compared to you. But, like everything else, you have been teaching me."

"About kindness?"

"Yes! And, I admit, it's much harder than I would have imagined. I've been.. _well taught_ to hate others on instinct. I still find myself, well, ah.." I drift off, not sure I want to admit it.

"Find yourself what?" She asks slowly.

"Find myself a bit afraid of you."

"You? Afraid of me?" Sardonyx sputters. "But- but you're so much more powerful than I am! In- in every way!"

"Well, not every way. I'd be hard-pressed to take you on in a physical fight, especially magically exhausted- but that's not important. You are an unknown, a variable I can't control or predict. You're new, and new has always meant bad things for me. And, and you know so much that I don't. How easily you could turn that against me.." I shudder.

"I would never!" She gasps.

"I- I'm slowly coming to know that. That's, that's what's hard for me. Trust. I'm used to solitude being safety and now I'm never really alone. Sinking into the work of learning and reading has been a wonderful distraction, but it's still not the same. I'm trying to learn.."

"I- I didn't know. How hard that was for you. I- I should've known, should've realized how- how different this would all be for you. But you, you, you seemed so comfortable, taking it all in stride.."

"You couldn't have known, really. I _was_ hiding it. I'm still hiding it.."

"You.. you don't have to hide from me. I understand if you do, but.. we're, uh, partners! Yeah, partners- we're partners now and we should be able to trust each other. I trust you!" She smiles, earnestly, eyes closing for a second. "Not that you have to trust me completely immediately. I understand it's a hard gap to bridge when literally no one has ever given you a reason to before. Take your time."

"And that's what amazes me about you! You- I would be angry if I were in your place, with an untrusting partner when I'm giving and giving. You just.. accept it, understand it.."

"I don't.. I don't know how else to be."

"Even though Homeworld has done nothing but betray you?"

"I.. I guess. In a way, they don't know any better. The majority, I mean. Lots of gems higher up are.. less forgiven. I want.. I want to find a better way for us all to live, or at least help someone else find a better way."

"I'm starting to really want that, too. I almost think it's possible." I laugh.

"You didn't before? Why did you come with me, then?"

"Well, for one my home was, ah, on the map again, I suppose. I would've been found and definitely less safe all on my own and… well, I suppose I couldn't imagine saying goodbye to you. It.. it didn't seem like an option. And we are stronger together, so logically it made sense and.. I didn't question it." I shrug. I hadn't given it much thought, honestly. Not something that can be said often, about me..

"I think I understand." She smiles at me. I try to smile back, but like many things that come naturally to her, I struggle. It must be a timid, awkward thing I return to her. Nevertheless, her whole mind brightens, and I feel better for it as well.

"I, ah, am going to return to my log now. But, if- if you'd like to talk about anything.." I shrug, but leave the invitation open. She nods, and I leave, trying not to rush away.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter Six- Everything is New Again

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3: Log One part two:_

 _Oh, I feel so silly for running away just now. I didn't literally run, though, because then she might know I was trying to escape her, and I don't want her to think I dislike her. Far from it, she seems to bring a kind of goodness out in me, and I like it, quite a lot. But it scared me, to be so.. close. That is not quite the right word but I'm too nervous and ashamed of even_ _ **being**_ _nervous to go and ask for how to write the correct one, if there even is one._

 _I do not like being nervous. I do not like being scared. Even the tiniest amount soon slips and crashes into something larger, more like terror. I cannot stand to be afraid. I vowed, when I abandoned Homeworld, that I would never feel that way again, and here, however many blasted centuries it's been, I am feeling it so often. I felt it floating in that ship, felt it when that cursed Pyrope destroyed my mask, my only defense! I felt it when she looked at me and saw the horror that is my gem, when I almost couldn't collapse the tunnel to trap the Pyropes, when they almost caught her again! And now, having escaped the asteroid field and the Pyropes and their leader, one would think I'd be relieved at last!_

 _No! I feel it when I remember we must fight again in only fifteen days' time! I feel it when she is too kind to me! Damn it, damn it! Why did I leave? Why did I let her stay? This is all too much for me! I want the comfort of the asteroid and the darkness and the empty blackness of space._

 _But it's too late to go back, isn't it? More than just the obligation of staying with Sardonyx, even if I took a pod and went back, now that I know how to, I'd be found again, and much more likely to be caught or hurt alone. Beyond even that, there's no way to unfeel what I've felt, no way to forget what I've learned, what I've seen and done and heard. I am not like Sardonyx. I will not forget in a day._

 _I feel trapped. I do not like feeling trapped._

 _And yet.. my companion has done everything and more to make me feel comfortable. Endless questions are met with her best attempts at full and well-rounded explanations, every single time. My need for solitude is allowed, encouraged, even. My lack of trust is understood and allowed. My anger is met, matched, and forgiven, all in an instant. Why do I feel trapped by her when she has done everything she can to set me all the more free?_

 _And now I feel guilty. I have never felt guilty before. I have always been the victim, never.. never on the other side. I hate how easily I become_ _ **them**_ _, in those instances of anger. I hate how weak I am that I am even capable of it. I hate to hurt her, to make her a victim. I hate how easily she forgives me when surely I do not deserve it._

 _I think, really, I just.. hate myself. What I am. What I've been through. I have long wondered if happiness is something I can really experience. On my asteroid, I was not happy. I was content- I was complacent. They are not the same thing. I was safe. I was unharmed. These things did not make me happy. I had sculptures, I had quiet. These, too, did not make me happy. I do not think I know what happiness is, much less how to obtain it._

 _You cannot know, log, but I just sighed. It's incredibly frustrating. And much of it was brought on by Sardonyx's appearance in my life, but much of it was simply hiding inside me all along. She, merely by existing and coming into my life, has brought it all to the surface when I wished very much not to ever deal with it. It's easier to be content when you forget you are not happy. It's easier to be angry and guiltless when you are alone with your horrible memories. It's easier to turn off your mind when you bury those memories._

 _I suppose nothing will really be easy ever again. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I am still glad to be learning and experiencing new things, like the stars, and 'songs'. I am intrigued by these new concepts, and I welcome them! I even enjoy this idea of 'partners', to be paired with someone you can trust. On the other hand, I do not know_ _ **how**_ _to trust, and it scares me. The future scares me. Everything is uncertain now, and it scares me. On my asteroid, I was omnipotent. Now, I do not know where I stand. I am a small stone in an intergalactic rock pile. Everything new I learn is something old in a new light, and everything old scares me, too._

 _The only, only new thing that has no strings to my past is Sardonyx herself. I had only seen a Sardonyx once before, and only knew what it was by the conversations it had that I was not meant to hear, so I have no… terrible associations with her kind of gem. Ah, how easy it is for her to be a person in my mind, as opposed to those deep in my memory who might as well be_ _ **things**_ _.. She is new, and she_ _ **does**_ _scare me, but not for anything someone else like her has done. She is frightening because she is like nothing I have ever known before._

 _I cannot predict her kindness. I can't make expectations of her behavior in that regard. She is too much to comprehend. She says that I am amazing, but how could she ever know? I was the wind-up toy for the nobles of White Diamond's court, the surface for the scientists to play their experiments on, the punching bag for the Quartz armies to practice on.._

 _And because I was those things then, I am now, well, what I am. I am angry, spiteful, distrusting, paranoid, lonely-_

 _I did not_ _ **mean**_ _to type that last word. I suppose it's still true, though. I have always been lonely. Even in the cells on Homeworld, beneath Her Radiance's court, I wished, desperately, hopelessly, for someone to help me. To save me, to show me_ _ **something**_ _other than the hell that was my life. For the kind of conversation the Quartzes could have, playful, meaningless. For someone to confide in, someone to understand._

 _Strange it is, that now that I have exactly that, I do not know what to do with her. I feel unable to trust, but perhaps I am simply too cowardly to open up, to relax. I may just be stuck in my ways… Nevermind that, I_ _ **am**_ _stuck in my ways, there is no doubt. I may be learning and trying new things, but my mind cycles around the same as ever. If I am to change, I must break the cycle. Do I want to change?_

 _I think I do._

 _I have no more that I want to say, but instead of ending it like that, I would like to note that I am going to play with the control panel, see if I can't use it to make this.. 'music' that Sardonyx seems to like. It will be a good release and distraction.._

…..

It is another long stretch of time before I talk with Sardonyx again. I sit and fiddle with the control panel, fidgeting with the screens and useless applications, using the interface's sounds to experiment with the idea of 'music' that's been planted in my brain. The hardest part was finding something to keep time. At one point I had been tapping my foot to keep the time, and though it took some practice to do while _also_ hitting specific screens or buttons and specific times, I could do it. The only fallout with that plan was that how soft the sound was compared to the electronic 'minks' or 'woops' of the panel.

But that was solved with some playing around with the clock. I cannot alter the time, but I can set it to sound a small alarm at specific intervals, even as low as every fiftieth of a second. I have not tried to 'play' to that fast a time-keep, but I think I will one day. No, for now I have it set to let out a little 'tok' every half second. It is a relaxed pace for the rest to fall to.

And it takes some practice, a lot of trial and effort, and even more miniscule edits to the layout to make any of it sound anything.. good. But, for a first attempt, I think it turns out fairly well. In a month or even a few days, I might find it lacking, but I still kept my first sculpture, the lumpy monstrosity that it was, as a sign of the progress, and I am certain I will feel the same about this.

The very best part is that I can record the sound and have it play back to me, using the audio function for the logs. It's quite different playing from listening, and I think I prefer the active part rather than a passive part, but it's also useful to know what it would sound and feel like to someone who isn't playing, namely Sardonyx.

Her interest in music is a large part of why _I_ am interested. The sound of her humming and the dance and the moment were so.. intriguing. It sounds to me like music is a kind of magic to her. And I suppose I would like to give her a bit of magic. I bounce back and forth between admiring and despising her for shaking me out of my hole in the ground, and I think I would prefer to admire her. I want to remember what it feels like to appreciate her, so that when my anger tries to take over, I have some kind of reminder, something that shows me the feeling. This little song, which is actually a few minutes long as I have no idea how long a song 'should' be, is for that purpose. It's a bit of the wonder and the charm I've seen with her, the wit and the patience, the kindness and clarity.

The control panel is too soft to hear from too far away and Sardonyx does not seem to hear as acutely as I do, so I strongly hope that it's remained a secret. It would be nice to take her by surprise!

Another five days have passed before I feel it is ready, and that I am ready. I am not proud of my need to escape her, how I abandoned her, though she does not seem to notice or mind if she does. A lot of my time has been spent working up the nerve to approach her. Even if she is unaware of how I feel about the moment, I cannot say my own feelings did not exist. I cannot say I forgive myself for my cowardice in that moment, or for the unjust anger I felt at her after that. I suppose the song is an apology as well, even if, again, she does not perceive the wrong done.

Finally, I stand, almost creaking from the motion. I am not unused to sitting in one place for what must have been days at a time, but never before in something so refined as a chair. Always on the floor or in a natural alcove or the like. Not that my body really gets 'stiff', being made of light, but it always seems slow, that first rise and step.

Slowly I make my way to her pod, prepared to knock, but now I can hear her.. talking? To whom?

Was I right? Was this all a trap? Is this just a complicated form of torture? Opening me up only to shatter me closed again? Who could be so dastardly? I prepare to jettison the pod, hand poised over the control pad, determined to survive, but then I hear her words..

"..no, that's still not right. But is it too long or too short? Maybe the rhyme just isn't close enough.. let's try.. There's nowhere else I'd rather be, than right here with you and me, clouds of stars may pass us by, but we feel as though we fly- oh, no, still not right. Close, close-er, anyway. Hmmmm." She's.. she's writing poetry.

Oh my stars. I almost.. I almost shot her into space without thinking. Spacedust! What a terrible partner I am, to fear her so easily! To mistrust and doubt without a single hesitation! Damn it!

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be, than right here with you and me, clouds of stars and dust may wonder why, but I say we were born to fly.. Yes, that's it. Oooh Phantom's gonna love this! I hope.. Shoot, what if they hate it?" I can feel her thoughts turn to unhappy queries, the 'what if's' and possibilities running through her, leaving her uneasy. But then they lighten. "I guess I won't know if I don't try."

It is now that I decide to knock, twisting inside to deliver a small, three-part rap to the doorframe, where she can hear it. She swivels the chair around.

"Oh, Phantom! How have you been?" So she _has_ noticed how long we've been in our own corners..

"Well. I hope you have been, as well?" She nods.

"Yes, I've been working on some things. I realized I could try my hand at writing poems, if you were trying to make music. And writing logs, of course. Whatever I can remember."

"I'm afraid I'm not caught up with your logs, I've been working on something as well.. I actually have something I want to show you." I try to deliver the last part with a smile, but it _feels_ forced, so I can only assume it looks the same. Still, she smiles wider, a hint of white peeking out.

"I'd love to see! What's the filename?" She turns to her control panel again, opening up a directory.

"Actually, while there is a final file for you to see, I'd prefer to show you the first time.. ah, live. Myself, that is. It's- It's hard to explain."

"Alright." She nods, and walks over, rising smoothly from the chair. "Show me."

"Well, come with me." I pivot and walk towards the main controls, my throne these past days. She trots up the stairs, the bounce in her step ever optimistic.

"You've certainly got the interface in a mess, Phantom." She giggles, noticing the odd layout. "What is all this?"

"Well, I'll show you." I take a seat, pulling myself close. I set up the clock-alarm system, then give my hands a bit of a stretch. Let's hope my nerves don't give out on me now..

My hands come down on the board, tapping specific buttons at what I have decided is the right time. As the first two, then three, then five, then ten come out in the correct order and time, I relax, and start to feel through the sounds, rather than think about them.

It starts off low, using the sound an idle tap on open screen space makes, slowly, rhythmically. Then it rises, a combination of buttons that make high, chippery sounds. Then a sound like a chime, meant to describe the wonder comes in, twinkling in between the chipper and the low base sounds, all the while the clock-alarm provides a constant 'tok', giving it a sense of structure and consistency. Soon I lose myself in all the sounds and the way they interact, light and hopeful against the dark and starry wonder, as well as the effort of actually hitting everything at the right time. I almost forget Sardonyx is there, but as I play the last, 'plinking' sounds, leaving only the 'tok, tok, tok', I am immensely aware of her presence.

If I needed air, I might say that I am breathless with anticipation. As it stands, I certainly feel that way anyway. I turn to her, suddenly very afraid of her reaction.

"What do you think? I don't know what 'music' is like on Homeworld, so it's all-"

"I love it."

"- based on what I what did you say?" One sentence blurs into the next.

"I love it." She repeats, a little louder. "Oh my gosh I love it! That was! You- Aaaah!"

"What what _what_?" I reel.

"I can't believe it! You made _music_ with, with something never _meant_ to play music! It's- amazing! Oh, Phantom, you're _amazing_!" She squeals. "Can you do it again? It's so beautiful I love it I love it!"

"I- I could play it again but I- I did record it using the audio function, s-so you _could_ hear it again. I- I didn't expect you'd really _want_ to, though.."

"Phantom, why not? It's wonderful! You're amazing! I could never- this is just so- incredible!"

"W-well, I'm- I'm glad you like it. It's- it's name is 'Hopeful Stars', under my file named 'experiments'. If- If you _really_ want to hear it again." I say, trying not to be so proud, but I feel like I'm glowing. Finally, I seem to smile, to really, truly smile without trying. And it's quite… nice. More than even the feeling of playing the song, it's so… pleasant. Nice.

Sardonyx giggles, drawing me back to the present reality.

"What?" I ask. I never meant to make her laugh- not that I regret it. I just want to know how it happened.

"You're going to think I'm silly." She shakes her head, immediately embarrassed, like she's been caught doing something she oughtn't.

"You can tell me anyway. I.. I thought you'd think _this_ was silly.." I admit, referring to the board and it's terribly awkward layout.

"Well, I- I just thought that it's awful pretty when you smile. When you really smile that is. I really appreciate you trying on my behalf, but when it comes naturally, you just.. It's pretty."

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

"Well, I- I just thought that it's awful pretty when you smile. When you really smile that is. I really appreciate you trying on my behalf, but when it comes naturally, you just.. It's pretty." I say, trying not to appear as awkward as I feel, to say it. It's true, though, so why am I so awkward saying it? Perhaps it's because I have never complimented someone to their face before. If I ever I have, it was surely by word of mouth or a vague, proper sort of expected comment in a letter or such. I look at Phantom, wondering what they think of it. They seem stunned, hurt, even.

"Ph-Phantom?" I reach out, but they bolt out of the chair, upright and stiff. "I'm sorry!" I gasp, and back away, hoping that makes me less threatening.

"Wh-what did you s-say, jus- just now..?"

"That, that it's pretty when-" I stop as they inhale quickly, a sick, uncomfortable sound, at that one word. They flinch, hard, hands clutching at their chest.

"Why?" They whimper.

"I- is there something wrong with that word? Did- Did I forget again? I'm so sorry, I- I'll go write it down so I see it all the time so I won't forget, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I nearly wail as I start to rush back to my pod.

"No- no!" They choke out. I halt, slowly turning back to face them. They're stretched over the back of the chair, like they forgot it was there when they reached for me. "It's- it's not you- or-or the word. Y-you didn't forget anything."

"Then- then what did I do?"

"I- that word- how could I be- how could anything _I make_ be- th-that? Good? P-pretty? I mean- ob-obviously I _wanted_ it to be but- b-but- I never thought it could- I could-" They shudder, racked with sobs they're trying to keep in. "Why are y-y-you s-so kind to me?"

"B- because you _are_?" They flinch again, and sink into the chair, disappearing.

"But I'm not!" They wail, quite coherent.

"But- yes, you are! You are good! You are pretty!" I get up, walking back up the stairs to Phantom.

"But. I'm. **Not.** " They snarl, and I can see the tears dripping out of their eye as I come around the chair. "I am _broken_." Their gem, with its extra facets and pillars, glows, angrily. The second color of their skin that only appears around those extra facets seems to glow as well.. I see what they mean, but.. I don't feel that way about it.

And I'm not entirely sure why, but this drives me to tears as well. The sight of them, the words, the implication. Maybe it's that I see something of myself in them, in our common 'faulty' natures, or perhaps it's the respect I've developed for them as they overcome everything I could have possibly put in their way. But it hurts. I can't imagine how _they_ feel.

"Phantom- Phantom-" I try to start, but I take a turn to choke on a sob. They don't seem to notice, quite, so I try again. "Phantom, you are _not_ broken. You- you're not a _tool_ , you're a person! Tools break- People don't! We- we get hurt but we come back from it. We don't break! We're not broken!" I manage to speak, mostly clearly, before falling to my knees at the chair's armrest, sinking nearly to the ground myself. "You're not broken.." I sob.

"E-even so, I'm not- I'm not 'good' or 'pretty' or 'amazing'. I- I'm just- I'm wrong!" They sniffle. "I want- I want to believe you, I _want_ to be those things, but I'm not and I don't- I don't know how you can see that. All I've ever been is- is an abomination." These words come out as a whisper, a truth they dare not accept. "How can I be anything else?"

"You never were that. Homeworld- White Diamond and her court and whatever they did to you made you _think_ that. You're just different, you're you. They were wrong! And they still are! And- hih- they always will be!" I break down again, trying to clamp my mouth closed, but all I accomplish is a sting as my teeth poke and grind against my bottom lip. I pull my hands down to my head and just cry on the floor. I don't know what else to do, don't know what else I can _say_. If Phantom is broken, with all their cleverness and creativity and strength, then what am _I_?

I hear Phantom shift in the chair above my head, but I can't seem to pull myself away from the tears. Everything is numb- I'm weak, so weak.

"I'm sorry… I never meant to- to hurt you again.." They mumble, their voice so tiny.

"I- what?" I manage to look up at that. They lean, head barely over the armrest, the fingers of both their hands curled around the edge.

"I keep doing it- saying something and it hurts you."

"But so do I. That's how this started.."

"I- that's not the same. I am- I'm so overwhelmed by your capacity to- to understand and, and, and be…" They fumble for a word for a moment. "Decent. I don't know how you can treat me like any other gem when I'm not."

"Well, this might surprise you, but I'm not exactly like any other gem either. And I don't want to be. I- I wish I could remember better, but otherwise.. no. And I've never treated you like I would any other gem. How could I? I've never known any other gem like I've known you, even only seven days-"

"Ten." They correct, gently.

"- t-ten days into knowing you. I've never been this close- never cared, never tried, never, never sympathised like _this_. I've never had the privilege to care so much, never the time or the patience or, or anything. I've never gotten to know another gem like this and there's- there's still so much more to know." I sit up, and wipe the tears from my eyes. "If you even want me to know. I keep forgetting how horrible your past is, how it-it still hurts you. I don't even know all the details, or even have a real clue to how bad it was.. and I keep failing to realize that Homeworld does consider you.. all those horrible things. To me, you're just.. you. You're.. you're not what they said you were." I feel so tired, so numb. "And.. I want to reach out and show you, because, because you seem to think that you are everything they said, and they're wrong, so wrong. I don't know how to show you."

"Every time you say it, it hurts so much." They say, forehead pressed against the armrest now, the rest of their face hidden from view.

"I'm sorry-" I start but they cut me off, eye and gem coming into view just the tiniest bit.

"No- no I think it hurts because I am forced to think that.. maybe.. you're right. Maybe I'm not what they said I was. Maybe I _am_ hurt because of what they did to me, but I did not.. e-earn that treatment by being.. wrong. But it's so _hard_ to conceive! I don't know how to be anything else! I am what they said I was, but if I'm not that, then what am I?

You say I'm not broken, but I certainly _feel_ broken. Maybe that is just the damage of their treatment.. but I can't unfeel it."

"That's.. that's fair. I feel that way too. But, if you'd like, maybe we could un _learn_ it together.."

"I'd like to try." They say in the smallest voice yet. I sniffle, and smile, and they bring their head up from behind the chair, though their hands still cling to the armrest's top as though it is a lifeline. I once again have the instinct to physically reach out, to take one hand, to reassure them that way, somehow, but I remember a vague sense of.. repeated failure in past attempts to do the same.

"Phantom, I.. I want to hold your hand. I want to show you that you can trust me… I want.. I can't explain. But I won't try if you don't want me to. I know- I know that's probably also a scary thing for you. But I thought- thought you should know."

They are quiet for a long time, and I cannot bear to look at them, to possibly frighten them away. If I am honest, I'm scared too, though I can't explain why. I don't really _fear_ Phantom. I do respect them, and maybe I fear their reaction, but not them. I'm not sure why that makes such a difference to me.

"I would like to try." I look up, and find their eye honed on me, still weepy and wet. I can't seem to form a complete or sensible sentence, so I nod, slowly. I put out a hand equally slowly, stretching my fingers as I reach. They pinch their lips together, afraid, so I stop.

"You go the rest of the way. So it's in your power. It's your choice."

"What if I never move again?" They ask, fixated on my hand. The statement seems a bit hyperbole, but I can tell that to Phantom, it's not.

"That'll be okay. You can say no, too."

"No, no, I.. I do want to try." They squint, eyebrow lowering like they're concentrating. "Do… do you remember in the asteroid..? I'm very certain that you took me by the hand then, and I did not fear it. And- and on the ship, you- you caught me by the hand, saved me from the zero gravity. And I- I held on, then. Why was I unafraid then, when I am.. terrified now?"

"I guess you weren't thinking about it. You weren't.. remembering."

"For a moment, I was like you.." They say, realization dawning on them. I don't know how to interpret that statement, I don't even have time to, as they reach out with their left hand to take mine. Slowly, our palms touch, and then their fingers curl and relax into mine. They gasp, an 'o' shape to their mouth. "I did it." They seem wonderstruck, like it was an impossibility but it happened anyway.

"You did it." I confirm. Their eye meets mine, and they smile, a tiny, precious thing. I smile back, tears almost flooding my eyes again.

And then something rams the ship and the moment and us come to a crashing, ruinous halt.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven: Return of Pyrope

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

"-donyx!? Sardonyx?!" Hands on my shoulders, screaming, crashing. What? Why? Ow- Ow. Form is stable but roughed up. Ow! Stop shaking me! "Open your eyes!" Why? Who? Phantom. Phantom something. Phantom… Fluorite. Phantom Fluorite.

Phantom Fluorite!

"Phhhhantom?" I try to yell but it comes out soft and tired. My eyes- I force them open. "Happened?"

"Someone is ramming into the ship- tearing it apart. You hit your head- I thought your gem- I was very worried." They prop up my head with a hand, looking hard at my gem. "It seems fine but you're-" They fall forward onto me, out the chair, as the something or someone hits us again. "BLAZES!" They yell, and the sound sends my head spinning.

"'m fine!" I try to sit up but everything is wobbily. I can feel the ship shaking all around me. This is just like, just like when we did the jumps through space. I could barely think straight. I barely can now.

"It's- It's a Pyrope!" Phantom says, hand reached out like they're looking with their head. Their eye is pinched tight, but not closed. "How'd she find us?"

"Probly mathed out our 'jectory and sent a speedy lil ship to _get_ us…" I manage to say, but I'm not sure it's sense.

"They can _do_ that?"

"Mmmmmmmaybe. I dunno."

"What's _wrong_ with you? You're not- You're not cracked, are you?" They pull me close, hands on my arms. My neck can't seem to keep my head up, but I do my best. I feel a mild fear of being cracked, but mostly that just doesn't seem correct.

"Noo, 'm.. confused. Sore." I look up at Phantom Fluorite. Why do they look so scared? "Wha' happened?"

"Th-the Pyrope! Did- Did you forget already?" They look so scared. Did I do that? Pyrope?

"Forget what? What happened?" I reach up to touch their face. They don't flinch, but they stiffen at the contact. Oh, right, they don't like that yet. "Pyrope?"

"Yes, she's- she's ramming the ship."

"Oh no!" I bolt upright, Phantom flinching away.

"Yes, 'Oh no'! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine! How did she _find_ us?"

"Y- you said something about 'mathing our 'jectory'' so I can only assume you meant they predicted our trajectory based on where we started and our options on where to go using some kind of mathematics you're not familiar with but probably knew existed."

"That- sounds reasonable.." Phantom groans.

"At least you're lucid now." They put a hand to their face, dragging their cheek down, frustrated.

"I wasn't?"

"NO! And it was _very_ concerning!" They explode momentarily, then pause to take a breath and calm down. "Wait a second- where'd she go?" They look around, but I see no sign of her, the Pyrope, I think, except some buckling left behind. I can't feel the ship shuddering from any violent contact from her ship, either. "The ship is still out there, but I can't see her!"

"HEY GEODES-" She's yelling, suddenly here, suddenly swinging in with her claw machine from I don't even know where, and she's colliding, feet-first- with Phantom. She knocks them away, practically tearing them from my arms, over the control panel. The thud of Phantom landing makes me freeze, afraid and angry and scared and oh stars what if something happened to them?

"AAAAAarrgh! I hate you! You stupid freaks! They took me all the way to Homeworld! They brought me in before the blasted _court_ because you both belong to White Diamond! And her stupid, pretentious court decided that since _I_ lost you, _I_ had to retrieve you, so guess who had to learn to pilot an _entirely new ship_ to come _rocketing across seven galaxies_ to catch your worthless, irregular hunks of rock only to _take you all the way_ _ **back**_ _to Homeworld for execution?!_ _ **I did!**_ " She snarls, gesticulating wildly. I can't see Phantom, so I assume they're on the floor, near the window. "And it _wasn't even a challenge!_ You've been _broadcasting_ yourselves since you left that miserable asteroid field! How _stupid_ could you clods be?!" She pounds a fist at Phantom, but I hear only the sound of floor breaking, and then I see Phantom pop up, back against the far wall. Finally I find the strength to stand. Pyrope immediately sees me moving, shifting psychotic eyes between us.

"YOU SPECIFICALLY! Why couldn't you just submit?! You were almost dignant! You did good work and could have slipped without a fuss into a recycling chamber but noooOOOOOoo, you crawled away and found this cluster freak to stampede all over the empire with!" She points, viciously, at Phantom Fluorite. Her face is a hideous grimace of bared teeth and impossibly wide eyes. Her gemstone, on her left hip, gleams almost angrily as well. "And for what? A war you'll never see? A cause that will never appreciate you? You're nothing! They are nothing!"

"You leave them alone!" I shout, baring my own teeth, furious. I reach up, feel the anger become form, and pull down, my arms weaponized and fisted at my sides.

"Like a Diamond grovelling at my feet, I will!" She screams, and whips the claw hand at Phantom. They dodge, twisting out of the way, and while she retracts the lead, the claw pulling out part of the wall, I leap over the console, pouncing on her. We engage in a wild, manic fist fight. My claws aim for her face, knowing that if I can so much as pierce her form, it'll be over, but she blocks or evades, using her own claw and it's mechanical rope well against me.

"Why do you- augh!" She pushes me off, but I charge right back at her, our hands clashing together. We push with all our might, but neither of us is closer to surpassing the other. The floor buckles and groans under our feet, threatening to give way. "Why do you care so much about that _failed experiment_?"

"Because that's not what they are!" I groan. "Nothing is- errgh- what you think it is!"

"Then whyyyy arrrren't they _helping_ you?!" She forces out through gritted teeth, jaw locked. "They're afraid- They're a _coward_!"

"NO!"

"Yes!" She grins, like she's won. But she hasn't. I won't let her.

"No, you're _wrong!_ " I yell back, and then pull away, turning all of her force into something I can control. Still gripping her hands, I swing her into the wall, all her momentum driving her through the outermost panels. She falls to her knees, but quickly recovers and stands, but I am right on her again, trying to slash through her form. She ducks, screaming, and runs away. I follow quickly behind.

"EVEN IF YOU STOP ME FROM CAPTURING YOU NOW, YOU'LL NEVER DEFEAT THE DIAMONDS!" She yells, trying to infuriate me. "AND THAT FREAK WON'T STICK AROUND EITHER!"

"Shut UP!" I pounce, leaping harder than I knew I could, crashing into her backside, driving her to the floor. Before she can recover, I tear the claw weapon from her hands and toss it away. She tries to throw a punch at my face, at my gem, but I catch her by the hand and twist her away. I stalk after her as she crawls, backwards, away and towards the open floor of the back end of the ship.

"Your dumb tagalong abandoned you, you know. You're fighting for no one!" She tests what seems to be my weak spot. I straighten up, though, and sneer.

"Even if that were true, and Phantom Fluorite _did_ leave me, I'm still fighting for myself, and every future gem that might live free and happy lives! But they didn't leave me, so I'm fighting for them too." I say, and point behind her. There stands Phantom, in the doorway of a newly opened pod, hand out, gem starting to glow. Pyrope, looking over her shoulder, goes pale.

Using their mind, they pull Pyrope back, launching her into the pod like a slingshot driving her out. They neatly move out of the way, and they shut the door and hit a button, and then I can see Pyrope and the pod disappear into the darkness, screaming angrily.

Phantom leans on the wall adjacent the missing pod's door, and slides to the floor, shaking. I rush over, putting my gauntlets away. I kneel on the floor in front of them, unsure if I should reach out or not.

"Are you alright? That was- that was terrifying." I ask. They nod.

" _You_ were terrifying." They laugh, a short, single sound. "I am very glad we're on the same side."

"I was scary? Me?" I ask, unbelieving.

"Yes." They nod. "I told you before I couldn't take you on in a physical fight- I didn't realize how true that is. It is.. incredible how powerful you are. Especially for some pampered noble."

"I was never 'pampered'... I think."

"Nevertheless." They say simply.

"I didn't think I was that strong, or clever. Oh.. Did you see me swing her in the wall?" They nod. "It was so _easy_! I can't believe I- I did that."

"You certainly did." Phantom confirms. Something about this feels familiar.

"Were we doing something before this?"

"Yes. We were.. connecting." They say, making a grabbing motion with a hand.

"Oh! Yes! I guess.. the moment passed. But it still felt good, to, uh.. connect. It felt like a big moment."

"Yes, yes, it was.. certainly something. Heh.. We should probably assess our damages, and see if that Pyrope's ship is still stuck to us."

"Stuck?"

"Yes, she lodged it in between one of the pods and our main ship so she could breach it." They say, taking a look with their mind. I watch the way they do that thing- closing their eye, seeming, feeling to somehow open a different one, hand out and searching. I wonder what it's like, to see beyond yourself, to feel more than just your immediate surroundings. "It seems stuck. And it did something to the engine- jostled it or, or something. Turned it off. We aren't moving at all anymore.. I don't… feel like it wouldn't work, but I've no idea. "

"Me either. But.. there's a manual, right? Instructions or information about the ship?"

"You are correct. It might be safer to just take the Pyrope's ship, too." They pause, hand on their face. "What did she mean by 'broadcasting'?"

"I think that's when you put out a signal. Like a sound wave or a light. Or send data from one place to another… like our logs. Th-they're sent back to Homeworld for processing by gems like _me_ oh my stars how could I _forget such a_ _ **crucial**_ _piece of information_!" I end up shrieking, panicking. Phantom groans.

"It's fine. You can't help it. And now _I_ know and hopefully won't forget." They seem to mean it jokingly, but I can't deny the bite to their tone. A hint of disappointment, a dash of frustration.

"Ugh I'm such a clump." I plant my face on the floor, feeling utterly stupid.

"You are a clump who single-handedly fought off a berserk Pyrope, so, there's that." Phantom tries to speak nonchalantly, but there's an edge of something in their voice.

"I'm sorry I forgot, though. That's such a stupid, stupid mistake." Phantom can't deny that, and they don't try to. They wait a moment to speak, thinking. I just wallow, the tiniest bit, in my faulty nature.

"Well, we got out of it well enough. We know now. We'll do better. This- this is a learning expedition, after all! We'll do better." They say, forcing optimism into their voice. And then they do the strangest thing. They pat my shoulder. "We'll be okay, right?" I sit up, gazing out from behind my pink hair.

"Yeah. Yeah. We just gotta get the engine going again and remove Pyrope's ship. In the opposite order. Um. Why don't you read over the manual about the engine, and I'll see what can be done about removing Pyrope's ship."

"Why should we do it like that?" They raise their eyebrow.

"Well, you'll probably grasp the engine stuff better than I would, and also remember it better, and I've got my gauntlets to help me remove the ship and keep hold and stuff. I'm also stronger, as we've just learned. You still seem tired from using your telekinesis, too, so.. I'd hate it if you floated off into space, lost forever.." I pull my hair out of my face as I explain, holding tight to it as I imagine Phantom frozen, falling through space forever….

"It wouldn't be the first time…" They say grimly.

"Well, never again! And I'd rescue you if it did happen, anyway!"

"How?" Phantom's voice is dry, not unbelieving, but very doubtful.

"I.. don't know, but I'd find a way." Phantom shakes their head, but smiles. It's a natural, easy kind of smile, the kind I really like. They push themselves up the wall, and I stand too.

"Well, it sounds like a plan. I'll do my research, you do your repairs. Do you suppose we could haul it in?"

"Oh, probably. But we'd have to be careful about the vacuum.. I'm sure there's a way to open the loading ramp safely in space… We'd have to secure all the other things in here, maybe turn off the artificial gravity… All things I don't know how to do." I giggle, awkwardly, holding my hands behind my back, feeling guilty for all the things I don't know.

"Well, more for me to research, then." They pause, looking out the port we ejected Pyrope from. I can never really tell what they're thinking, I realize. We seem a lot alike and yet… Their mind is always elsewhere, on different things. Our experiences, while similar, are also vastly different. Is that what makes our minds so different, and not the nature of our gems? Perhaps it's both. Finally, they turn back to me, single eye pulled to mine, as though they were resisting looking at me by looking out into space..

"Will you be alright, out there by yourself?" They seem visibly uncomfortable with the idea. Are they worried about me?

"I think so. I'll hold on tightly." I pump my arms, showing how strong I am.

"Alright.." They say, but I don't think they mean it. I look down. It's not a baseless concern, but I do feel confident that I'll be fine out there… As I look at the floor, hoping for an answer, I am surprised to actually find one.

"Oh! Pyrope's claw thingy! I can use that to secure myself to the hull. I'll just.." I scoop it up, pressing a button on the handle. The rope retracts, 'schooooooping' into the handle, magically. Now it's just a claw on a stick, the six 'fingers' pulled tight in a fist. I tuck the handle into my belt, then pull on the claw to make the rope start pulling out. "And then I'll just.. stab it into the ship. And if I let go with my hands, I can pull myself back in! With the handle button!"

"That seems reasonable. Alright. Good plan." I can tell they mean it a lot more this time. They still seem nervous, but they seem much more relaxed too.

"Alright!" I bounce in place. "Alright, I'm heading out then. I'll go out the bottom entrance since I'm pretty sure that's the only safe way."

"Okay.. Ah,uh, be- be careful." Phantom says, stopping me before I can get too far. I blink, surprised. "I'm just trying to- to let myself be.. closer." They say, and make the 'grabby hand' again, embarrassed, or perhaps anxious?

"Okay. I will, then." I smile. "Thank you." I tap the floor with my foot, and the exit pops up, the door opening. It's a kind of tube that's meant to make the transfer from a pressurized, gravitized space into a non-pressurized, zero gravity environment safer, both for the gems and the cargo, I think. Maybe moreso the cargo than a gem, because we can't be crushed in space, like lots of things can. Our gem structures are too dense, and our forms are made of light. We might get lost in space but we could never be hurt by its emptiness.

Cargo, on the other hand, can get crushed, and is usually harder to replace than a gem. That.. sure says a lot, doesn't it?

I try not to think about it as I step in and let it pass me through the belly of the ship, waving Phantom goodbye before they disappear from sight. As I do, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, a kind of tightness. I think I'm just being paranoid. I've got all my bases covered, here. Claw, gauntlets, plan. What could go wrong?

The tube juts out into space, and I feel it as the gravity disappears, my form floating gently off the 'floor' of the tube. The cold pressure of space whisks in, all around me, and I wonder why I never noticed how different it was. Maybe I just.. forgot when I got airlocked out by the.. Tourmaline? Tanzanite? No, that's wrong. She was blue, right? Or was she green, or yellow? I remember her eyes, victorious at my defeat, but despairing at my apparent betrayal. I can't remember the color, though.

I shake these thoughts from my head as well. It won't do to dwell on it. It isn't helpful. I don't think so, anyway. I wonder how much of my forgetting is willful denial, sometimes, and how much of it is a flaw? Maybe the flaw feeds on the denial.. or the otherway around.

I summon my weapons, and bury my now golden fingers in the hull. I can feel it pierce under the pointed, sharp tips, like.. like nothing I've ever felt before. I claw my way around the bottom to the right side, but find that all these pods are here, and there's no ship. I must've come around the wrong way. So I climb to the otherside by way of the top, over the wings and their housing, for when they're not in use. I hope my gauntlets aren't too damaging, because I'm leaving tracks _everywhere_. As I crawl over the curvature of the top, off the wings, I see Pyrope's ship, indeed lodged miraculously in where the pod meets the outer wall of our ship. The gelatinous connection melds to the pointed nose of the new ship, explaining why the airseal breaking was never obvious- it was never broken. If she had pushed through a little harder, though, or a little faster, she might have cut through before it had time to recover, and we might've got sucked out into space.. again.

Wait, was Phantom Fluorite there when that happened? I don't think so. Whoops. Well, I'm sure it would be an unpleasant experience no matter how many times it happened to either of us.

I notice as I approach that her 'wasp' type ship is heavily scraped into our 'junebug' ship. One of the wings are hooked into the side, the metal hull of ours pulling up like a scratch in dirt causes the excess to pile. That might be harder to unhook than I thought. But I only purse my lips in determination. I've got a job to do.

I first investigate the airseal. When I push on the ship, it moves ever so slightly, and the seal adjusts with ease. Considering the likely speed of the ship when Pyrope crashed it, if I even manage to push it out, the seal will probably survive that too. So the real problem is getting the nose out from between the pod and the body of our ship so that it can resettle, and also unhook the left wing from the gouges in our side.

I wish I had gauntlets with claws for my feet as I crawl over to the wing. It would be a lot easier than basically dragging my floating self with only my arms and hands. I would feel a lot more secure, anyway. That nagging feeling in my stomach comes back to the forefront of my mind, but I shove it away. I've got a job to do.

The place where the wing meets the body of the wasp ship seems damaged, loose. Kind of.. perforated. As if I could easily tear it off if I tried or applied pressure the right way. So I'll have to be careful, since Phantom asked if we could try to keep the ship.

Oh! What if, when I pull it off, it goes floating out into space? I don't know how to pilot it or if I could even catch if it _did_ start drifting… I take the claw weapon of Pyrope's out of my belt. This was meant to keep _me_ safe, but I feel confident that I'll be fine if I used it to secure the ship, instead. I debate using it to secure the ship versus using it to save myself, but the answer seems obvious. I'll just have to be careful.

I crawl over the wing, and stab the hand of the weapon into a relatively undamaged portion of the wasp ship. The hand grips with the touch of a button, and I pull the lead out of the handle, careful not to drift off myself while I use both hands to extend the full length of the mechanical rope. Then I lightly push off the wasp ship back to the junebug ship, bouncing slightly.

I know I saw this thing _attach_ to the inside wall, before on that other junebug ship, so would it stand to reason it would also attach, meld, with the outside? It's the same kind of ship, and while it is painted differently, it's the same material on the outside as on the inside, with the same internal magic and machinery keeping it working. I hold the butt of the handle to the hull, and press lightly. Automatically, it sinks in. I give it a tug, but it doesn't come loose. I give it a real hard pull, and it sort of just warps the hull a little, never giving in. Amazing.

And while I celebrate the victory, I also wonder how in the worlds it's supposed to detach.. I never saw Pyrope undo it. Phantom pulled the handle _and_ the wall apart to get me loose. Probably.. one of the four tiny buttons on the handle does it, but that's a question for later. I've got to get the ships loose from each other, and then we can worry about transporting the wasp inside.

I head back to the body of the wasp ship, studying it a little closer. I think that if I get underneath its belly and push up both on the body and on the wing, I'll get enough leverage to at least start loosening it. It already does wiggle a bit, so I figure that once it starts going, it'll be a snap to pop it out. It takes a bit of maneuvering, but I shove myself in between the belly and the body of both the ships, and put one hand out to hold the wing of the wasp steady.

Though it's meaningless, I take a deep breath before I start to push. I feel as though it steadies me, somehow. But when I go, I _go_. I can feel the force I'm exerting, the nearly equal and opposite force of the ships stuck together, resisting me. I groan as I push, but I can feel the wing of the wasp coming loose, grinding and sparking against the upturned hull of the junebug. The rest of it follows suite, even the nose starting to slip out of the airseal material easily. I don't give up even though I can feel the strain of it all. In a way, I like the fight of it, the struggle. I push harder, stop restraining myself, and it comes loose, indeed, with a pop.

It wrenches away, the wing, the nose, the whole wasp, flinging away from the junebug. I fling with it, tumbling over the side. I grasp wildly at the ship's side, but I can't seem to get my hands into the metal, simply scraping it and scratching it up. I almost have it as the tips of my claws hook onto a small, almost invisible crease in the material- it's the emergency jettison for the pilot, I think, in case of some emergency.

But the ship wrenches again as that claw and lead snap taut, reeling the wasp back to the junebug with a reverse of momentum. I don't have enough of a grip, and my momentum drives me out and away from both ships and Phantom. I feel like I'm falling as it all drifts further and further away.

I try to call out to Phantom, and while I can _hear_ my voice I remember that we don't actually produce _sound_ , and that there's no way that my voice could possibly make it through the emptiness of space, where no sound can exist, much less penetrate through the thick shell of the junebug. Maybe if Phantom were looking for me, in that way that they can see beyond themself, they could hear me, but they're inside, working, unaware.

My hands uselessly reach for the ship but it's an impossible distance. There's nothing I can do, and no one who can help. I still stretch, clawing desperately at the ship, at Phantom, so scared this is the end. But I'm not like Phantom Fluorite- I cannot reach beyond myself, so I can only give up and fall away. Why does this feel so much worse than when it happened before? Why does it feel like I'm really losing something, as opposed to when the Turquoise- oh that's what she was- ejected me?

It strikes me, not for the first time, that I have no way to get back to anything out here, and now there's not even an asteroid field or a planet to crash land on. We are in the heart of deep and empty space. As I sink further into the abysmal darkness, I can only wonder how long it'll take me to forget what's happened, how I got here, and how long it'll take Phantom to move on without me.

A part of me hopes they never do, and a part of me hopes I forget it all soon. Is it better to be forgotten or to do the forgetting?


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter eight: Too many things left to say

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

I watch, pathetically, as Sardonyx disappears in the tube exit, waving happily. I try to bring myself to wave as well, but splitting up like this has me.. unnerved. I can't explain why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea, as we've spent several days until now in separate rooms, but to have her outside, by herself, away from me, is… nerve-wracking. I can't place it.

I try to ignore the unnameable fear, and head over to the control panel. We both have our jobs to do, and if she's out there, doing her's.. I suppose I should get to mine. I start with the manual- a large file of nearly five hundred pages- to try to get a better understanding of the engine, and why it might be halted. That is to say, to understand anything at all about it.

While I've had my share of experiments with space-crossing machines, I have only ever come to understand how to make it go. Not the how's or the why's of it going, just. How to go. I've skimmed through these pages before, but I was only trying to understand sentence structure and expand my vocabulary. Now I have to comprehend the reality of the words, and how to use them to our benefit.

As I read, I also try to ignore that pesky concept of 'us' and 'our'. When have I ever been a part of something else? I was alone in my monstrosity, alone in degradation, alone fighting my way to freedom, alone in learning to fly, alone on the asteroid.. Never have I been 'not alone'. And now, suddenly, I am never alone, something I previously lamented in my log. But what a thing it is, to be not alone. Interesting and strange.

I am no longer just 'me'. I am myself with Sardonyx, but not in the sense that I am somehow more 'me' than before, more in the sense of 'I am now myself but I am being so near and with someone else', but that hardly makes sense. I have never been affiliated before, never been connected to anyone. We are a team, we are partners… and eventually we will be part of something even larger, a full scale rebellion… Of all the things I cannot comprehend, this is perhaps the most daunting. The idea of never being alone. It is a welcome thought, but also a frightening and foreign one. I suppose the idea of support and acceptance is.. an ideal I never thought through, one I never thought _true_. As much as I would have loved it, all that time ago, I don't understand it, and in that failure to understand it is frightening.

I sigh and reset my mind to the task at hand. I read, quickly but efficiently, through the chapters on the engine's function and repairs. This goes smoothly, and as I investigate mentally, I find that there are a few parts that are misaligned, but otherwise the engine is fine. The impact simply triggered a safety feature that prevents the ship from exploding when jarred. It should start and run well enough, good as new, and as long as those few misalignments are corrected, it will do so for the foreseeable future.

With that much understood, I decide to check on Sardonyx, and see if I can help at all. However, as I rise to do so, the ship lurches, and I fall to the floor, backwards over the armrests. I'm getting awfully tired of that.

I groan to my feet, and go to see what happened. Before I can, the ship lurches again, and I fall forwards, back into the chair. What in the worlds? Are there asteroids? Debris?

I look out the missing pod window, and see the Pyrope's ship is loose, floating alongside our own. As it drifts down, relative to this ship, I can see Sardonyx, floating away.

Immediately I panic, my mind an irrational whirl of repeated 'no's. I see her reaching out to me, eyes wide, but she's already far away. I reach out with my mind to grab her, to bring her back to safety, but she's too far, and I'm too weak from my stunt with the Pyrope earlier. I scramble to the bottom exit, the one Sardonyx took out, but I can't seem to find the button or what have you she hit to get it to come up. Eventually, what feels like years later, I find it, and it pops up. I throw myself inside, not even bothering to stand. The tube is altogether too slow to start it's descent, but I have no way to hasten the process.

Once outside, I use my remaining strength to keep myself attached to the ship, sort of suctioning my fingertips to the hull. I crawl over to the Pyrope's ship, still panicking. I can feel her drifting further out but I can do nothing. Stars, how did this happen? I thought she was going to secure herself to the main ship using that contraption-

The one that keeps the Pyrope's ship from floating off instead.

I see how this happened now; she used the mechanical claw-rope to tie down the ship instead of herself, and ended up being the one who needed it more. I dash my way to the handle, melded to the hull, and start pressing all four of the buttons without delay. One of them releases the claw hand, another retracts it, and the last unhooks the handle from the hull.

I have a plan, but I'm scared. To fail could mean to disassemble Sardonyx's form, float off into space aimlessly, lose her forever, or some dreaded combination of the three. I'm scared, so scared. To take the jump, to let her fall away, to take too long and have all choice stolen from me..

I try to catch hold of her with my mind, just one more try. I put out both hands as though reaching out physically will help, but try as I might, I can barely even shave off some of her speed. Part of me seriously considers letting her drift away, and continue on my own to Earth, or to some new hiding place, but I can't seem to process any future action that doesn't include her, and not feeling the guilt or missing her for the rest of my life.

It is almost thoughtlessly, then, that I leap hard from the main ship out toward her. When I am halfway between her and the ship, managed only because one or both of us managed to slow her outward momentum, I whip the claw, letting it reach the rest of the way for me, and I mentally latch myself to the ships before I'm out of range. Whether it is incredible luck or a natural accuracy that guides the claw, it grabs firmly onto Sardonyx by her outstretched arm, and I pull her back, both with a sweeping movement of my arm, and the function of the machine, while simultaneously halting my own drift. The strain is almost too great- my psychic fixation on the ships and the full body tug to retrieve Sardonyx pulling me momentarily in two opposite directions. Any greater, and I might disassemble my form from the strain. But this strain passes as my pull on her outweighs her previous momentum, and she comes hurtling my way. I feel my power over my movement relative to the ships slipping, and I hope to all the light of all the stars that her new forwards momentum is enough to knock us back into the ships, or at least enough that I can start to pull us back again.

But my best hope is a dismal underestimation of what really happens. She rams into me, almost sending us spinning, but I hold on, and ignore the collision in favor of focusing on shooting the claw back towards the ship. Once again, it latches on firmly, and I use the button to reel us in. I hold her tightly as it pulls us swiftly back to safety. I grimace when we slam into the hull, but I use the very last of my telekinesis to keep us from bouncing back out.

And then, crisis averted, I squeeze her tightly to my chest, her face tucked messily under my chin. I just keep her pressed there, too scared to let her go, for several minutes. I can't even express in words how terrifying that all was- the fear of losing her, the fear of letting her go, the fear of failure- too much to process. So I revel in the moment of safety and security, glad, so glad that she is safe and here and that I _didn't_ let her go and _didn't_ fail.. Then I push her back by the shoulders, furious.

"Are you insane?!" For a moment I can't seem to focus my vision on her, but when I do, I can only see the terror in her eyes; likely a mirror to my own. Her jaw only trembles in response. I feel tears, not for the first time today, forming. "You can't- You can't- I can't 'be close' if you start shooting yourself off into space and _leave me_! I can't- I don't want to be alone anymore!" I barely know what I'm saying, I only know that I'm feeling so, so much and words, even concepts, can't quite contain it. Finally, sobbing, she responds:

"I didn't mean to!" She sobs, her own tears floating off, jiggling in the zero gravity. "I don't _want_ to leave! I- I only wanted to make sure the ship was secure because you asked for it and I didn't think it'd come loose as easily as it did or I'd've never done it that way and I-"

" _YOU_ ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN A _SHIP_!" I scream, shaking her. But, then, immediately, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" How could I do that how can I yell when she was only trying to explain why is everything so furious in me, why, and I can't seem to force words out, the thoughts are all trapped behind my tear-choked throat. But I try anyway, and eventually force them free. "I thought I lost you once already today and I- it scared me how scared I was for you- And then this.. Please! Please, don't leave.." What has she done to me that I can no longer stand to be alone? Did I always crave this, and am now only addicted to it? Why does it hurt so much to know her? Too much, too fast, too sudden and new and strange.

"I thought I lost you too.. I don't want to leave, never if I can. There's still- I want- so much to say- to learn to know- I-" She starts to cry again, and just pulls me close. "Never ever if I can." And I hold her close, too. I'm not afraid, in this moment, to be so close, in both the sense of physically, and in the sense of.. knowing her. I _feel_ what she means. And I feel it too. There's too much to say, too much to know, to leave now, and it was an accident anyway. Neither of us wants to lose the other, not before we can we understand each other, and likely not even then.

We're both so starved for closeness, a concept that doesn't even have a real name. There's more to this than being 'close', but neither of us have a better word. It's caring, it's understanding, it's sympathy, it's… impossible but here we are. It's terrifying but it's also so uplifting. In those happier moments, when I played her song, when I watched her dance, that connection, that closeness grew into.. _more_. I can't explain, but it's too much to disregard. Too much to lose or let go.

I'm so sorry for blaming her, just now, but I can't quite say it. I think she understands. We were both scared… actually, she's still scared.

"Can- can we go inside? I am incredibly terrified out here." She says, eyes wide. I can feel the terror of the emptiness in her mind, and I can only nod. I've never known her to be scared before, but I suppose there is a first time for everything.

"Yes." She clutches me almost desperately, her mind catatonic beyond managing that. The relief of being caught seems to have faded away to realization that we're still out in empty space, perilously close to falling through the void.. I wonder if she remembers, back on the asteroid, when the hardest part was done, and the Pyropes were trapped, and I was too weak to climb, how she carried me, without hesitation. No fear, no shyness, just a job to do and the sympathy to help. I suppose.. it's my turn. "Hold on." I turn us toward the ship, and using the finger holds she must have made earlier, I pull us back to the bottom entrance. Her handholds run out, so I jump back to the tube, still extended, waiting. As soon as we're in, it closes and starts to lift us.

As gravity comes back, the tube carrying us through the floor, Sardonyx does not let go, hanging heavily onto me. Her weight is not too much and there's not much room as it is, so I don't mind it, but as I step out onto the open floor, still she does not let go. I wait a moment and she continues to keep herself pressed to my back, and I start to curl over from her weight.

"Sardonyx? We- we're inside now." I talk over my shoulder, her face pressed against my shoulder blades. "You can let go." She shifts, looking up at me. I can barely see her, but she seems still frightened, anxious.

"I don' wanna." She mumbles. I try not to grimace. It will be impossible to do anything with her hanging from me, and honestly the contact is starting to get.. uncomfortable. But before I can say anything to try to convince her to let go, she slides down of her own volition. "But okay." She seems tired, her voice low and sad. She pulls away, but after a slight hesitation I put a hand on hers before she can get too far. She looks up at our hands, then up at me, shocked.

"You-"

"I'm- I'm still trying. It's hard to get close when.. when the fear of losing you only gets worse, but.. I'm trying." I am convinced that, should I conquer that fear, being close to another gem is worth it. I can't explain how, only the surety that I want more of knowing her, of being close and knowing and understanding and _being_ together. I smile, a tad awkwardly, but in it's own way it is still genuine.

Sardonyx only smiles up at me, her face practically glowing.

"Thank you for saving me. I owe you, what, three times now?" I laugh, and so does she.

"Aha, how do you figure?" She squeezes her hand, gloved thumb pressing lightly into my knuckles.

"You let me stay on your asteroid, then you stalled Pyrope's ship, and then you also flew us away, but I did fight off Pyrope, but now you saved me from floating around forever, so three times?"

"Have you forgotten how you lured the Pyropes?"

"No, but you trapped them, so that cancels out."

"But then you carried me out of the caves."

"And you carried me just now."

"Well, you saved me from being alone on that asteroid until the end of time."

"Well- okay. So maybe only two?" I laugh again. This, this is a pleasantry that makes it worth it. Such a light and funny argument.

"I don't think you 'owe' me anything. I think a few of those count for more than one. And besides, that's what partners do, isn't it?" She giggles cheerfully at that and I feel as if I must be glowing, too.

"Alright, then, partner. What now?"

"We have a little fixing of the engine to do, and we'll be on our way. Hopefully we can also do a bit of resting before our next gem encounter but-"

"Oh that's right Pyrope is still out there, isn't she?" She asks, suddenly concerned. I can't tell if it's for or about Pyrope, though. If it's the former, her compassion must truly know no bounds.

"I smashed up the control board so she'll have relatively no control. It will hopefully be a long while before we see that specific Pyrope again." Sardonyx nods. "But there are still other planets and ships out there, and if the Pyrope found us out here, so easily, who's to say there won't be more?"

"That's true, too. We'll have to find the setting that sends our logs and such back to Homeworld and shut it off. It'll save to the ship's hard drive, then. But it also means if we lose this ship, that's it. The data's all gone."

"We… will have to try not to lose this ship, then, or find a way to save it in a more transportable way."

"I think we have a kind of thing for that. That is, the technology exists to save something locally, but it's small enough you could carry it. I'm pretty sure." She muses, a hand on her cheek, the other tucked under her elbow. "Say, have we looked in the cargo things?"

"What?"

"The- the, uh, the containers. What is it that we're carrying with us? The odds of it being something we could use is probably pretty slim, but you never know. Especially since, well, we don't know. What's in there, that is."

"We. We never have looked, no. Suppose we should…" I shrug. "But do you suppose it could wait until we're moving again?"

"Oh, yeah. We need to fix the engine. Yes, let's do that first. What needs to be done?"

"A few minor parts are misaligned. They only need pushed back into position, and we should be good to go. It turns out there's a safety measure that will halt the engine if it's hit with anything hard enough, so that explains why we just stopped when the Pyrope started ramming us. But we should be fine, if we get those parts realigned."

"Okay. I need to push them back into place, I assume?" She asks, but she doesn't lose her confident tone.

"I can help you, but yes, you will probably be doing most of the work." I answer. "I'm sorry I'm not more.. capable. I had no idea how draining telekinesis could be when used in huge bursts and such rapid succession."

"That's okay. You've been doing a lot, so I'm not surprised. And magic usually takes a lot more out of a gem than more physical activities, so it's really not a wonder. If you can show me what to do, I can do it."

"Alright, then we need to head down into the machinery." She only nods, and I find that I don't really have a mind for many more words either. I simply take the lead, heading over to the control panel to raise the platform. The way into the engine is underneath, hidden perhaps both for safety and for security. A mutiny _would_ be much harder when you have to lift an entire platform without notice. But here, having already stolen it, it's a much simpler task than that.

Like the bottom exit, the opening to the engine room is hidden as well, though the button is a _slightly_ more obvious color. A simple tap of the foot reveals the way, the trapdoor sliding open with a 'shoosk'. It is dark, inside, and I have no way to light it, unfortunately. Still silent, Sardonyx closes her eyes, and then her gem exudes a beam of light, providing what I could not.

It is then easy to locate the misalignments, and guide Sardonyx in moving them back. As the last one creaks neatly into place, she smiles gleefully. She lights the way back up, and I follow happily. It's hard to imagine that just moments ago my chest was tight and I felt as though the void of space really _was_ going to crush me, as though it was the end of everything. Is this the nature of our situation, or our relationship that causes these wild fluctuations of emotions? Is it both?

It's almost incomprehensible. Is the peace worth the wild? Is the pleasure of company worth the agony of fear and worry? I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my mind, even as I start the engine and choose a new refueling planet to head towards.

They are abandoned, though, when Sardonyx opens the audio file with her song, and hums along. I am amazed- after all, she only heard it once, and her memory is notoriously fleeting. But this must have made an impression on her, for her to even remember it existed let alone the actual sounds, and I am shamelessly happy that it did.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine: Talk it out

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

"I'm surprised you remembered." Phantom says, but it doesn't sound insulting. They seem.. pleased.

"I'm a little surprised too. I don't remember it so much as… remember how it feels."

"Truly? How does it.. how does it feel?"

"Ah… The first part is like.. darkness. Not good or bad but just, dark. And then it's like opening your eyes and seeing the stars for the first time, the three moons of Homeworld peacefully drifting overhead and being.. okay. At peace. And wonderful, as- as in, full of wonder. Everything is special and new and sort of magical beyond words.. And it keeps building and getting more and more.. something. Something amazing. And then we return to the beginning, but.. having brought something back with us." It's like a dance or a story, and I can see the movements, the stages. "If that makes any sense."

"I think so. It's more or less what I was hoping to convey. The bit about, ah, wonder, that is." They look away. It's not a shameful embarrassment that makes them do that. No, I think it's rather the opposite.

"Oh, I got it right, then!" I smile.

"Aha, no, no, it's more like 'I' got it right. I had the message to convey, after all."

"I suppose.. You did a wonderful job. I'm still… wildly impressed you can make music without a 'proper' musical instrument. Though.. what really makes a 'proper' instrument? I suppose.. rules about that are kind of arbitrary, as anything that makes sound could be used, as you have here demonstrated. Instruments on Homeworld are.. standard.. so that it can all be replicated correctly time and again by different gems…" I muse aloud.

"Yes, I had assumed. I don't think I could correctly recreate any songs from Homeworld, but it would be interesting to give it a try."

"Ah, and vice versa."

"Now, that's a thought. To put this into something else, even if it's more manageable... Would it be the same song?"

"I don't know.. I'm not sure why.. but I suppose it's these specific sounds that were used to make this song, so maybe changing the sounds does change the song somehow.. even if it's approximate."

"One day I'll have to find a way to make or procure one of these instruments and have a go at it." Phantom concludes. They turn their attention to the control board, and start making adjustments.

I watch, an odd kind of feeling coming over me. How many times has one of us stood here while the other sat in the chair in this exact way? It suddenly feels like I've been here forever, Phantom guiding the ship while I stand at the ready, otherwise useless. I feel.. unnecessary. I may have provided some inspiration to leave, but truly, thus far it's been Phantom who's done the most to get us where we're going. All the hard work, it seems.

Something in me aches at the thought of being unneeded, but more than that I feel in the way. Obstructive. How far would they be if I hadn't been here to mess things up? I think I was the one who suggested the logs, which lead Pyrope right to us, and I was the one who nearly got us both lost in space, and in saving me, Phantom's mask was destroyed, which they seem so anxious about, even now. How.. how long has it been? How long have I known them, already? I can't quite remember a time before knowing them, and yet I must have. There's so much I don't know.. or have I forgotten that too?

Well, since I feel so bothersome, I suppose it's only fitting I should leave. No point staying in the way. I can't think of anything to say to Phantom, so I just start to walk away.

Immediately, Phantom's hand is on mine, and they seem as shocked as I am at their reaction time.

"I was just-"

"Don't go-" We both try to start. Phantom releases my hand, flustered. "You go first." They try to settle back into the chair, but they seem uncomfortable anyway. I tangle my fingers together, trying to think of how to explain.

"I was just going to leave you to your work, the ship and.. and such. I didn't.." I can't find the heart to continue. It feels needless, obvious.

"You didn't what?"

"I didn't want to be in the way anymore." It sounds pathetic, like a freshcut. But I'm not new or young anymore- I shouldn't feel so.. infantile. But I do.

"You aren't in the way at all. Why- why would you think that?"

"I just- you're in control of everything. You don't need me. And, in some instances, you would have been much better off if I hadn't been around to ruin something.. so I thought.. I'd leave you to it. And you do like being alone and we've done an awful lot of not that today already, so.." I shrug.

"I- I disagree. I- So much of this was only possible _because_ of you- you couldn't possibly be 'in the way'. And, I.. I don't want to separate yet.. I'm-" They seem stuck on the words. They want to say it but don't know how to, or want to express something but can't bear to say it out loud.

"You can.. you can tell me." They press their lips together, thinking.

"I'm scared to be alone." They speak sort of rushed, embarrassed.

"What?"

"I- it sounds ridiculous, but after that mess just now I- I'm really very scared to go separate ways, even in the ship. I know, I know it's absurd-" They hide their face in their hands, face flushing dark blue. Are they blushing?

"I feel the same." I blurt out. Phantom stops hiding their face, hands down at their chin, surprised.

"You do?"

"I just thought you didn't- so I assumed you'd want what you usually want or what I assume you normally want so I.. I don't really want to be alone. I thought it was the best course of action but I didn't- don't- _want_ it. I like talking with you and I feel I have so much to say and hear and talk about but I also don't know how to start or, or if you want the same or.. anything really." I blink, slowly, with realization. "We don't really know much of anything about each other, do we? You've read my logs but that's not.. we're not.."

"Familiar."

"Yes."

"Well, then, let's, let's talk. Now. We have the time. We don't have anything else to do." They flex their fingers, unsure.

"I don't know how to start.. I've never talked like we do with anyone else before."

"Well- well that's a place to start. What are conversations normally like?"

"Well… boring." I smile. "It's about performing a function, gathering necessary data, or commanding someone else to perform a function. Even in letters or messages it's.. this is this and this is that and you need to do this with that and… it's so boring."

"And what do you imagine conversations could- or should- be like?"

"Sometimes the same, but also.. opinionated. For instance... I saw a star out the viewport and I thought it was so marvelous and I wrote something about it because I wanted to share that moment.. I think conversations could be like that. I saw or thought of something, and thought you might also enjoy the sight or thought of it. Ah.. at least that's what I always hoped to speak to anyone about before."

"So it's not always necessary to have a real-life function-related value to the conversation, but to have an element of personal thought and emotion that can be shared, sympathised with, or understood. Like.. like sharing the logs or.."

"Yes, yes. To share observations, but more than just so you know 'oh this thing exists'- it's.. it's 'this thing exists and I think it is pretty and what do you think?'. More than just raw data or information.."

"Like my sculptures, like your poems!"

"Oh, yes! Yes, something performative of emotion and personal insight rather than function." I nod, glad they made that connection. And it makes sense, too. The point of these things are to express something beyond something considered necessary. It's emotions, personality, and thoughts not 'shared' by the masses..

"So, then, is there anything you've wanted to share before?" They ask, eager to know. I feel rather elated to know that the heart of all this conjecture is being taken seriously, being understood.

"Well.. I have always wondered if other gems find movement to be so.. good. Ah, that doesn't make sense. You see, sometimes when I get in a flow at work I find that the movement of it, the accuracy, the efficiency, the flow of it is just so… nice. And I've always wanted to try dancing. I know for other gems it's a function, or a purpose, but do they still enjoy it? To move beautifully, to just _feel_ the movement, the motion, to get swept up in an act.." I hardly know it, but as I talk, I demonstrate, hands and arms mimicking the delicate, sweeping dancing of Pearls at court.. I catch myself when I run out of words though. "Do you ever find yourself feeling such a thing, or is it just me?"

"You know, I think I have. Not often, as when I was.. prisoner.. on Homeworld, my movement was heavily restricted and I learned, very quickly, to move as little as possible.. but afterwards, when I started those sculptures, I found it very easy to sort of.. fall into it. Nothing mattered beyond shaping and carving the stone, and the mindless and yet entirely mindfulness of the motion- anything to shape it right- was… sometimes rather nice. I daresay it was a beautiful thing to feel. Those moments were fleeting, though, as most of the purpose of the motion was to achieve the end-goal, and that mattered more than the motion itself, I suppose. Is that what you think dancing is like?"

"Well, that's what I was trying to find out, that one time.. ah, the other.. day? I don't remember when it was."

"You are correct- it was several days ago. You told me about music, then, and inspired me to give it a go."

"Oh, right. Well, that's what that was about. I got.. I got all worked up, typing and talking and, and it was so much, so fluid, so efficient, the movement was excellent- at least I _felt_ excellent- and suddenly, sitting in that chair wasn't enough. I needed to be up, and, and out and- that's how you found me." I giggle, a bit embarrassed.

"It sounds.. pleasant. How did it feel?"

"Exactly like I thought it would. I felt more than I could _think_ , and it was so nice to just.. fall into the motion, to be more but also less than a name. I was, well, obviously I was still me, myself, but I felt less like.. a collection of thoughts bouncing and bumbling around and more like.. a precise, consistent, singular thought. I was.. whole. Complete, for once. Like.. like instead of being spread out, all of me was brought together for the moment."

"And then I ruined it." Phantom groans with a grimace.

"No! ...well, yes, but you couldn't have known I was feeling all that. And we had a very nice chat. That I vaguely remember. You were… I think you said some very nice things to me. I remember it with affection." I nod, as if that makes up for all the lost information, the lost experience we shared. How much will I forget? How much will I remember? I wish I could take every moment with me, but I can't, and I don't even have the fortune of choosing what to remember.

"Ah, well, I was doing my best to be.. kind. I'm glad you remember that much, at least." They smile, a soft but genuine thing. "What's it like, to forget? I- I don't mean to be insensitive, of course! If it's not proper- or- or you'd rather not talk about it, we can move on." They sputter.

"Oh, it's fine. It's hard to describe. Sometimes, it's like I never knew something. Like.. I'm having trouble remembering exactly how we met. Part of me is starting to feel like we always knew each other, but that can't be. I wrote it myself, in my logs, what happened when we met, and how, but.. I can't remember it firsthand anymore. It's like that part of my life happened to someone else, but I inherited it, somehow. Other things.. are things I know, but can't recall when I need it. Like the name of the maths that are used to calculate space travel.. I know I know the word, but I can't.. bring it forward from wherever it is in my mind. And still other things are somewhere in between. I both know that I know something and did or had it happen to me, but I cannot place where it did, or what exactly happened, and I cannot bring it forward in my mind to examine it.."

"For example?"

"I know that.. this very problem came to light. My memories are faulty, and it went unknown for a long time, and then it _was_ known. It must have been relatively recently. But I don't know how it happened. I don't remember how it happened. I know it must have, but it feels so distant and vague and fake, like a story. But it happened to me. It must have. Everything else I've done has built on that moment. I know I was there. I know _something_ happened, and that it happened to me, but I can't even begin to imagine what it was like."

"That's.." They sound like they mean to comfort, but they don't have a response. They fall silent.

"So.. a lot of it feels like.. patches of space where a star or planet should be. Some things are still bright in the.. sky that is my mind, I guess, but other things are dim, and then where some planets should be, there aren't any. I guess in a sense, somethings have also broken down into asteroids and rubble, so they might as well have never been anything else at all. I hope that makes sense."

"I think so. It must be.. hard to navigate."

"Sometimes. But others, it's like there's a path between things, a kind of instinct, or sense of something. Gravity, in this metaphor. But gravity that takes specific paths.. ah.." I grimace. I've messed up the analogy. But Phantom waves their hands, continuing.

"No, no, that makes sense. Like.. like carving out a path by erosion- you've gone the same way so many times there are footsteps for you to follow."

"Oh! I've never done that, I think, but I understand. It does seem just like that. What- what is memory like, to you?"

"Well, if we go with your starmap metaphor, I guess.. almost everything is a luminous star very close to me. To leap between them is usually a simple feat, or barely one at all. Some things I have purposefully tried to dim or distance, and in some of those instances it's worked but others… others are still bright, too bright, too close, to easy to.. fall into. And sometimes, I do forget things.

For me, forgetting is.. being too overwhelmed by the light of other stars to see the one I need. It's still there, and would be easy to get to, if only I could see past those others."

"I see.. in those moments it must be hard to navigate, too."

"I suppose it is. But not as hard as not having a star at all." They shrug. "Is there anyway to keep them alive?"

"Repeating a fact seems to ingrain it such that.. a path is made, but experiences are.. hard. They burn brightly and then fade the moment they stop forming.. Even writing them down afterward doesn't seem to help stop them from becoming.. foreign to me. It's such a shame. I'm sure there's a lot of things I've felt or seen that I'd like to remember, but, hah, I can't even remember what those moments are, presently."

"I hope you remember this. Even if it's just a feeling about it, like that other conversation. It feels.. big. Momentous."

"Important." I nod. "I hope I remember this too. I know I don't want to forget any of this.."

"I will try to remind you, if you do. If you want."

"I would." I nod. "Can I ask about your telekinesis?"

"Ah, certainly. What would you like to know?"

"What's it feel like? Are you.. projecting yourself or is it like having an extra set of senses that can travel, or extra limbs or-" I lose my words, and end up shrugging.

"Aha, it's kind of like all of those things." They take a moment to think. "When I want to move something, it's like.. instead of having this form," The gesture with their hands to their body. ", I have another that is.. further, bigger.. and that is what I use to make something move. Similarly, when I want to 'look', it's as if I have another set of eyes, though in truth it's more akin to _feeling_ the structure somewhere else."

"Like feeling the engine through the floor?"

"Ah, yes. More detailed, though, more precise. I can feel the _exactness_ of the room, or space, really, like I am touching every surface all at once. And when I want to see further, it moves, spreads, so that I am touching more and more.."

"Is there a limit?"

"The further away I go, the less I can feel. For instance, I could feel the entirety of my asteroid at any given moment. If I wanted to study another asteroid, the further away it was, the less I would see perfectly. To the point where I could only see something the size of myself with clarity."

"So you cannot scale your vision outward in all directions?"

"Oh, I can, but it becomes blurry, indistinct, the further and the more I try to see. So, I _could_ see the entirety of the asteroid belt if I wanted to, but by that point I wouldn't even be able to distinguish one asteroid from another. They'd feel like a single object, a giant, solid ring, trying to see all that once.."

"That's still amazing! How far away can you move something from?"

"I'm not sure in exact lengths.. But it seems like I can exert some force on any object from any distance, but the further I am the less force I am able to exert. So.. I don't know exactly. But, just earlier, when I caught you, I could only pull you the tiniest bit, mostly because I was, and am, still tired, but I _was_ able to pull you back that tiny bit. Eventually, and I mean a long time later sort of eventually, I would have been able to pull you back entirely, but it was an impossibly longform solution that would have had you moving fractions of millimeters every thousand or so years.."

"'Eventually'." I nod. "So there doesn't seem to be a distance limit, only a force limit _over_ distance."

"I suppose that's an accurate way to say it." They nod.

"And when you phase? What's that like? It seems like it would be complicated."

"Actually, I'm not entirely sure how I do that. It's like… you can feel the way the wall pushes back when you put your hands on it. You can feel it won't give or break. So.. instead it and I- I sort of make it bend. The material doesn't physically _move,_ mind you, but it's almost like the forces that keep the material together do. And I can push _through_ it, into it, and out the other side. It's much harder with other objects, though."

"Other physical material?"

"Yes. Our bodies are made of light and some kind of.. force that keeps that light in a body shape, I think. So for those forces, that of our bodies and the physical material I'm trying to pass through, to pass through each other, it's a lot easier given that one of the two things are almost entirely energy. But when both things are physical matter as well as that binding energy.. it's complicated. I can't move as fast, and it takes a lot more energy on my part to make it happen. That is to say, it's very exhausting."

"I can imagine. I think you're right about our bodies having a kind of.. field that makes our bodies solid, because otherwise we'd just be a beam of light going out infinitely, in the way that light usually does. I feel like I've read that before, but I can't say for certain. It certainly _feels_ correct." I say, and Phantom nods. "You're very talented. I can't imagine being able to do all that. Although being strong and glowing are both useful as well, they're not as.. interesting as your abilities. Can you do anything else?"

"Actually, yes. I haven't used it in a long, long while, but it's how I got around without being noticed for so long." They grin, a smug little expression. I snort at it, the look so unlike their usual scowl.

"And what is that?" I ask, laughingly.

"Well, it's the power to go unnoticed. It's not terribly hard, but I also can't explain how it works. I mostly.. will not to be seen, or to fit in, and then, I do. I think what happens is that instead of my form being perceived as it actually it, it's interpreted as whatever it needs to be for the gem to not think strangely of my being there."

"So.. is it a kind of shape shifting?"

"No, not quite. I'm not changing my form- I'm changing how they _think_ my form is. Could I demonstrate?" They ask, looking to stand up.

"Absolutely." I nod, and they rise, walking out onto the open floor.

"See how I'm myself? All angles, all blue, all.. me." They say as they turn around, showing me every angle of their form. True, they are quite themself. Long, impossibly thin limbs, squarish body and head, and yes, blue. A midnight kind of blue, the kind you can see on the edge of the horizon before the suns have totally set, before the blackness of space pervades the sky. I nod. "Well, watch carefully. Try to feel the change.." I nod again, and focus on their form. I watch, and nothing seems to change, but then I feel it. Something off. Like.. like a veil over my eyes, changing the way I see. I can't seem to focus my eyes, and then everything is back to clarity.

I blink. What changed? I look Phantom up and down, and finally I notice- they don't look like Phantom anymore!

It's a Pearl! It's true she's blue, but so much paler than Phantom's lightest hue. Her gemstone is still in place of her right eye, but it appears to be a cabochon cut, smooth and round like any other Pearl's might be. And she's so much shorter than Phantom- almost as short as I am! But beyond that.. everything about her seems hazy, like I can't quite focus on the details. She registers as a Pearl, and everything else is unimportant.

"See? I ought to look like a Pearl, now. But I haven't changed my form at all. I'm somehow tricking your eyes into seeing what you think a Pearl should look like, give or take some details. I learned I could do it when I was trying to escape on a ship. I'd stored myself away and I hoped and hoped and hoped that no one would find me, and they didn't, despite several instances where they absolutely should have. They looked right at me, but they couldn't see me. From there I learned to control what it is they think they're seeing, resulting in this." She- they flaunt, the Pearl's form posing cutely. Their voice even has that distinct Pearl accent. "And I can look like anything, too. Any gem, any object. At least, I think I can. I can't see what I look like to you, I can only.. feel what you _think_ you're seeing."

"Wow. Can you do me?"

"I can." They say, and then I feel that veil over my mind shift, and suddenly there I am, before myself. Even my gemstone is in the correct place, my forehead. There's a strange effect over the eye, where Phantom's gem is in reality, but I can barely see it. It sort of forces me to look away, instead.

"Amazing!" I leap to my feet, studying, well, me. "So do you see out of my eyes when you do this or is your head still up here?" I ask, before gently swinging a hand over the second me's head. I connect with something- presumably Phantom's face. "Whoops, sorry. Guess that answers that. Sorry." I say, hand retreating.

"It's fine. I had a feeling you'd do that. But, no, it only appears that I'm your size now, and while the illusion, I suppose, will mimic my movements, you will still feel the _real_ me if we were to make contact. I only _appear_ to be you." They reply in my voice. Gosh, is that what I sound like? It's higher than how I hear it, but it's also.. prettier somehow. Sweeter.

"It's amazing. I bet you could fool everyone and anyone you ever met. So.. why don't you do it constantly? If you can look like anything to anyone, why didn't you.. try to make yourself into someone else? It might've been safe for you.."

"For one, there are lots of things I can't replicate about other gems' abilities. And for another, it is exhausting eventually. I.. _did_ try. But I don't know everything there is to know about other gems' lives and duties and I can only hold it up, consistently, for about three.. three days. It's a rough estimation." They drop the illusion, and I feel that veil slip away from over my eyes. Phantom is back to towering a whole head higher than me again. "I can go longer in bursts, but.. it's risky."

"Oh. In a way, I'm glad you're not masquerading as some other gem. I'm glad to have met you. But I'm also sad you can never.. fit in with Homeworld. Never be safe from them. Well, hopefully only until we make it to Earth, anyway. I'm sad that I'm glad, though."

"I think I understand. If it hadn't been for these.. shortcomings, we might not know each other, and who knows how differently our lives would be? I suppose there are.. I suppose good things can come from bad things." I nod, though I don't entirely agree with the last part. The only thing that's bad about Phantom is how Homeworld treated them, and that's nothing wrong with them.

"Have you ever tried to, ah, cloak something that wasn't yourself?"

"As in another gem? Or an object? I have never had reason to try either…" They shrug.

"Oh, if you weren't tired still I'd say now is a perfect time to practice it. Imagine if you could hide the ship? I suppose that if they were tracking us their machines wouldn't fall for it but it could buy us some time."

"Indeed. It's something we'll have to try one day. Maybe even soon. It's not a hard bit of magic, after all. If I can.. we could use it to blend in when we land. We won't have to fight to refuel.. or maybe we can at least put it off.." I nod as their words fall away into thought.

"But even if you can't cloak me, you could make yourself into.. I don't know, Pyrope, and say you caught me. And as long as I act like a begrudging prisoner, or stay on the ship, out of sight, I don't see why anyone would stop us."

"Ah, yes!" Phantom snaps a finger, excited.

"Oh, but if we're planning now, we should probably talk about what we _don't_ know, so it's not a surprise later. Well, at the very least, not a surprise to you. Do you know how to refuel?"

"I do not." They shake their head, eye blinking once as they do. "I never had the opportunity or need to. The ships I flew were usually caught or destroyed before I could learn about that. In some instances, I believe they ran out, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought I had a faulty machine." They shrug. "Do you know?"

"No. Well, I've seen it done, but not on a ship like this. Maybe, if we do go with the Pyrope idea, you can have somebody else do it, since I'm pretty sure pilots don't _normally_ refuel their own ships. But we shouldn't count on that being true."

"Alright. Maybe we can hide the ship long enough for me to see how they do it ahead of time." Their gem glows, the way it faintly does when they look _out_.

"Ah, sneaky! That's a good option. You think if we hide just outside their gravitational pull you could still see something clearly enough to figure it out?"

"Depends on the time. If I don't know where to look, I'll end up using a lot of time trying to just find where to point myself."

"I can help with that. If it's an older colonized planet, it'll look like Homeworld does, so all the land mass will be very, very distinct, and I'm fairly certain I can identify the buildings, at least. If it's newer or worse, incomplete, I may struggle with that much. Newer colonies tend to have unique layouts and different designs." I briefly wonder how I know, how I know anything, really, when my own experience is definitely limited to Homeworld.

"Alright. So, thus far the plan is to get close, hide the ship so I can scout out how to reload a ship, land and do what's needed, then scurry off before we're found out. What could possibly go wrong?" In another situation, this might be sarcastic, but here they earnestly mean it. What _could_ go wrong?

"Well, if someone asks for your identification, we might be stuck. We don't know our Pyrope's i.d. and making one up would probably be a bad idea if they need it for, say, verification. If no one talks to you, you'd be fine, but we can't rely on that being true, either."

"Would it be reasonable for a Pyrope to show up and assume everyone knows who they are? I've seen some gems come to court without announcement."

"Not normally, no. But our Pyrope was on a special mission, so if she's pompous about it, they might fall in line."

"How do you mean?"

"If she were to show up, thinking she's expected, but everyone's clueless. If she were, like.. Here, pretend I'm Pyrope, and, uh, you're just some gem working on a ship, or something." I clear my throat. "What do you mean you don't know who I am? I was sent here by White Diamond herself to refuel before escorting this _rogue gem_ back to Homeworld! What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?! This is a _very important mission!_ White Diamond will hear about this!" I yell, using my most grating voice possible, trying to capture the spark of our recurring Pyrope problem. I walk around, waving my arms indignantly, like a noble who hasn't gotten their way. "Aha.. See what I mean?"

"I think so. If I show up as Pyrope, expecting to be waited on, incensed that I'm not, they may just skip to the part where they _do_. It could work. So long as there's no one higher than a Pyrope to contest her- ah, me."

"Yeah, if someone like a Sapphire is there, we could be in trouble. But could we also scout that sort of thing out before we land?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Oh, this is exciting!" I give a little hop, hands in fists before me. "Oh- but we wanted to use this time to talk about other things, didn't we? Should- should we be talking about something else?"

"I'm glad we have a rough plan, now, and I'm not sure there's much more we can discuss at the moment, so we might as well continue on with more.. entertaining conversation topics. Was there something else you wanted to share?"

"You know, I can't think of anything right now, though I'm sure there's a lot I've wanted to say. Is there anything you'd like to share? Anything at all?" I add the second question when they seem apprehensive, hesitant.

"It's not so much an experience, like what you shared. More a.. series of feelings. And it's a little embarrassing, truth be told, to feel such a chaotic array of emotions."

"You can tell me."

"Well. It's also a bit shameful. It's in regards to, well, you." I say nothing, only nod. They take several breaths, getting ready for this delivery. "Well, ever since we met, I've been bouncing back and forth between almost thanking the Diamonds for having met you, to wishing you had never existed. I- stars, I know how horrid that sounds- you caused such a commotion, a- a disruption in my life and I find myself questioning everything, all the time. And there are many moments where I cannot understand how or why I'm here, on this absurd adventure, for reasons that aren't even my own. There are others where I am so afraid and then, so angry. One always comes with the other, and I never know where to direct them except out, and at the moment I suppose there's no one but you- but I also know that it's not your fault.

I chose to accompany you. I chose to leave my home and travel with you. I chose to- to come along. So I get angry at myself for being so- so horrible to you, even if.. even if it's in thought.

And then- and then there are other moments that are almost like magic, where I cannot imagine another life, another world, where learning with you is the most wonderful thing I could possibly experience. And- and the way you are kind, even to me, even when I surely do not deserve it, it's everything I ever hoped for, once upon a time. And I did _so_ hope for it, way back when. I gave up the idea of it because, well, they were going to shatter me, and still no one intended to come to my aid. I thought, surely, there is no such thing as kindness for me. And now, so long, so much later, here we are. Here _you_ are. And I am furthermore ashamed to have been so furious at you, and to have been cruel, back on the asteroid, because I _was_ cruel when you only intended kindness.

And the closer we get, the more I can't believe this is something real. How it hurts, to worry, to be concerned, to almost _need_ you. How did I get so pathetic as to _need_ someone else? Was I always this way? I feel as though addicted, though. It's an ecstasy to know you, but also the worst kind of torture.. such a tangle of thoughts and feelings that I can't keep it clear, can't seem to navigate what was once so obvious. And, that, too, scares me.. I have always _known_ myself, and now I do not. I…" Finally, their words seem to run out, their eye glazed over, vision distant in the way that thoughts cloud the mind. They blink, and return to the present moment, looking to me. "I suppose I mean to apologize for these.. invisible trespasses. And.. Stars, I know that doesn't really do anything justice." They sigh, as they seem to collapse on themself, hands rising to their shoulders. "It's not fair to you for me to first even be feeling these back and forths, and secondly to mention them to you when they're so impossible to resolve. What are you supposed to do? You can't fix me- you can't make things clear again. You can't change the past- stars know I've tried myself. But more than anything, I thought you deserved to know, even if.. even if it does no good, it seems like something that needs to be known, though that may yet defeat the point of the conversation.." They sink to the floor, seeming suddenly tired beyond possibility. I feel a kindred with that sensation, the feeling of doomed impossibility, and I take a moment to think about it.

I can't explain the war of feelings I have at this revelation, so sudden and unexpected. On one hand, I'm glad, no, I'm _proud_ that Phantom feels they can trust me with this emotional quandary, but on the other, I feel both hurt and guilty that I am the very cause of it. I am confused, likely only half of what Phantom themself is feeling, by this complex array of thoughts. In the end, I decide the best I can do is reassure them that telling me this was not a mistake. I fall to my knees, settling down in front of them.

"I.. it's true, I don't know what to do, or say. I can't help you solve those feelings. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I think.. I think, like a lot of things you've had to do, it was very brave to say all that. It was probably very difficult, and frightening. I can't imagine what it's like to be you.. to have experienced what you have, to feel what you feel. I wish I could. I wish I could understand better, so I could help you. I.. I'm glad you could tell me. I'm glad that, despite whatever resentment you have for me, momentary though it may be, you could tell me about it. What.. what can I do to help? Do you- do you have any idea?" I submit, my only thought, my only instinct spent. Phantom slowly looks up to me from beyond their knees.

"I.. No, I don't know. I think.. if you continue the way you are, I'll.. I'll get used to it. Used to you, used to these thoughts, and maybe.. maybe I won't bounce back and forth so much. I'll.. I'll start to _know_ I can trust you, rather than.. hope and dread. That's so much weight to put on you, though. So much responsibility in this.. emotional relationship."

"Well, you're left to bear a lot of the brunt in other ways. I think.. the least I can do is continue to be understanding. I really, I really, really wish I could do more, but if that's all I can do, I want to do everything possible to make it.. the best. To.. to be the best, most helpful partner you could have. This is scary. Everything is new, to both of us. We can.. we can work this out together, in our own ways and fulfilling our own parts. I believe in us, in that way." I offer a smile, but I feel it is a faint gesture compared to the weight of Phantom Fluorite's feelings. But, like I said, it's all I can do to help, right? So I should do the best I can, in every way I can. To my surprise, Phantom Fluorite smiles back, an equally muted expression, but I get the feeling it belays something much stronger than it appears.

"Yes. If you continue on like that, I'm sure of it." Their smile widens, and then they stand, offering a hand to me. "You said you were working on something? Could I hear it?" I take their hand and stand.

"Of course. It might be better for you to read it, though, since I don't have any of it memorized." I blink. "Wait, how did you know it's supposed to be heard?" Phantom only laughs and shrugs. I decide not to press it. The moment's so pleasant, an answer can wait.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: To Venture Forth

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

And so we spend several days like that, caught up in conversation about everything and nothing, showing off and smiling and getting to know one another just a little better. I'm not sure why these little things seem so important to know the whole of Phantom Fluorite, but somehow they bring out a realness to them that I wasn't able to see before. Or, rather, it's more like I knew it was there, but hadn't been allowed to see until now. Being granted a view is.. everything I thought it would be.

As our ship and time both draw near to the first refueling, we grow a bit nervous, but we do our best to shake it off. We go over the plan dozens of times, making revisions, practicing. Phantom is still too tired to try cloak us both for long, though we are both amazed and overjoyed that it's possible at all, so I dedicate myself to the role of prisoner. When we went through the containers on the ship, we found some raw metal that through some effort of engineering using the heat of the engine and my gauntlets, we were able to mimic the body-binders the other Pyrope used to restrain me. But they're weak enough that I can _easily_ snap through them if I need to. Hopefully I won't need to 'break character', but I am more than prepared to break someone else's character if it means helping us continue on to Earth.

Fortunately, it's an older planet we've chosen, so the layout is very familiar. It's gravitational pull is almost non-existent as well, so the hiding place we choose is well out of visual sight and there's no chance of us drifting into view while Phantom scouts ahead with their sight. They describe to me, in detail, the planet and the buildings, and I guide them with what few distinct memories I have of typical planetary and city layouts, and it is not long before we have managed to locate the hangars for refueling.

Phantom then watches and describes the refueling process.

"They land in one place, then a machine latches onto the ship and moves us into another part of the building, where it looks like several gems clean and refuel the ship. But the crews of the ships don't always get out. Sometimes they appear to talk to them over the radio system. Some of them do their talking before they even land. It's a short process, though, and it looks like the average time it takes to clean and fuel a ship this size is only about ten minutes. So, how do we do this?"

"I guess we just need to start approaching, and see what they do. If they reach out to us before we land, just act par for the course. Self-righteous Pyrope on a special mission. _Make_ them dock us." I talk, looking away from Phantom. I feel an uneasy squeezing in my chest. Fear. "Can you do this? Are you okay?" Phantom looks much the same. They nod.

"I think so. Are.. do you think I can do this?"

"I do." I smile. I really do believe in them. "You know the part, and you're smart! We'll make it through this, one way or another." While I can't say how, exactly, this too feels like some kind of unalienable truth. We're going to be okay, somehow, someway. "Together."

"Alright. Are you ready?" Phantom asks, motioning to the waiting 'binder'. It looks the part of a sturdy, unbreakable restraint, but we both know how frail it really is.

"Yep. Time to get in costume." I turn around, arms behind my back. Phantom applies the binder, and it snaps into place around my arms and chest, conforming to my shape. Then come the arm bracers, that keep my hands from being useful. With arms and hands locked behind my back, I appear useless, helpless, a real prisoner. The only piece we didn't replicate was the mouth guard, the one that dug into my face and made talking impossible.

"Does it feel okay?"

"As okay as a piece of metal around your whole torso can be." I joke, flashing a little smile. Phantom smiles in return, a little exasperated. "Your turn though." They nod, and then I feel the veil on my mind settle, and Pyrope is before me.

"How do I look? Annoying?" They ask, 'Pyrope' sneering grossly. I snicker.

"Absolutely."

"Then it's time to go. Go sit in the back, I guess."

"Right! I'll be back here if you need me!" I say, before leaving the control behind me. I settle along a wall, in between some containers, trying to think of where the real Pyrope would stuff me. I can still hear Phantom, though, in case they need me. I focus my attention there as they get the ship moving.

For several long and uncomfortable moments, there's an odd, strained silence in the ship. Then, the vaguest sound of wind over metal as I assume we meet the thin atmosphere. The planet is hollowed out to the thinnest possible amount of crust to maintain a form, so whatever it's original gravitational pull was, it's next to nothing now, meaning it's atmosphere is also pretty much nothing. If there's factories or development plants, there are probably gases released from whatever processes being conducted here, but there's nothing to hold it here, so it spreads wide and thin into space.

Finally, there's a beep from the radio. My mind races, but it's all up to Phantom for now. I hear a click as they pick up the talk-piece and a voice comes through.

"Come in, JB 33-2O4-99. This is Dock 13-C contacting you. Come in." Alright, that seems normal.

"This is JB 33-2O4-99." I can barely hear the nerves in Phantom's Pyrope voice as they repeat the ship's number back. I doubt the gem on the other side can hear the nervousness at all. Good, good.

"We aren't seeing you on any of our incoming transcripts. This ship is supposed to be on it's way in the opposite direction to Planet 45-X. What in the worlds are you doing here?" Spacedust. This is what we were hoping wouldn't happen at all. But it's okay. We knew it probably would happen. tIf Phantom just continues with the self-righteous act..

"What? You haven't heard? I'm _supposed_ to be here. Got precious cargo that _White Diamond_ herself has me shipping. I need to refuel so I can take it back to Homeworld." The attitude is on point, perfectly narcissistic and accusatory.

"We've no record of this 'precious cargo'." Their tone is equally accusatory, challenging.

"Tsk! You idiot, I was sent on a special mission to capture that beserk Sardonyx and take her back! Well, I caught her, and _now_ we need to be high-tailing it _back_ to Homeworld! If you get me in trouble for being late, it'll be your sorry gem that pays for it." Pyrope threatens, the malice in her voice fearsome. "Are you gonna dock me or what?" She snarls.

For a moment there is only static over the radio system, as though the gem is talking with her co-workers or superior about what to do.

"Yes, of course. Sorry for the delay." A new voice comes over, a voice distinctly in the Agate family. Agates are terrifying soldiers meant to lead enormous numbers of gems, so it's likely we've just got permission to dock from the entire city's resident leader. "We'll take you in Port 18 of Dock 13-C, landing details should be coming up on your screen now. And I'd like to welcome you myself, if you don't mind."

" _Thank_ you." Pyrope hisses with an edge of frustrated relief. If I didn't know better, Phantom sounds exactly like a Pyrope would in this situation. I give a sigh of relief myself as they speed the ship up slightly. The radio cuts out. "I'm not looking forward to having to _talk_ to this gem. Is there anything you think I should know?" Phantom asks me, calling back still in Pyrope's voice.

"I think you're being met by an Agate, so she's probably in charge of the whole city. Agates love being in charge and being bossy, but they also tend to be huge suck-ups. Anything to get a speck of praise, for them. She might start apologising. I'd accept her apology, but to keep the sense of power over her, make it a hard acceptance. As in, you're still obviously upset about the attitude the other gem gave you. She'll do everything in her power to make your refueling quick and efficient to make it up to you, to get in your good graces. Especially since you 'know' White Diamond."

"I can do that." Phantom says. I can hear themselves preparing for the interaction. I worry that their nerves will overcome them. "Don't worry. This is going according to plan, right? We can do this." They say, as if they can hear my thoughts. Maybe I was talking out loud, and didn't realise it?

"Absolutely, Phantom. I believe in you." I say, quietly.

The ship jitters slightly, and I am worried for a moment that we're being attacked, but I remember that Phantom described the mechanism that latches onto the ship. We're just landing. It makes sense- with no gravity, we can't really 'land', so a machine has to hold down the gravity-less ship while it's cleaned and refuelled. It steadies out soon, and I hear the cargo door open up. 'Pyrope's' footsteps sound small as they approach me. 'She' stops in front of me for a moment.

"I'll be back soon." She says. I nod, trying to be positive and unafraid. I only manage one of them. She walks out. The farther she gets, the more I wish I was there, to help Phantom, to keep them safe..

Is this what Phantom felt when they saw me falling away in space? It's absolutely terrifying.

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

I walk out, trying my best to strut confidently, but it's a foreign thought. Me? Confidence? Nevertheless, I put purpose into every step, and I think it reads well enough. A large gem stands surrounded by lots of smaller, thinner ones. I am struck by the sight of all of them, waiting for me, _for me_. And though I know they stand at attention for what they think is a Pyrope, the sight and thought of it is enough to shock me.

The large one, presumably the Agate Sardonyx talked about, comes forward first. She's almost as tall as I am, but she would tower over the Pyrope. She's purple and white all over, with blues here and there. The most distinct thing about her, besides her size, is the ripple of colors in her skin on her face. I've never seen a gem with multiple colored skin, like me. I've only got two tones, though, dark blue and a soft yellow, but this gem has four. The main color is a red-purple, but there is a milky white and a pale blue and a lilac as well. How can a gem like this exist?

"I am Luna Agate, I'm the gem in charge of this section of the planet. I happened to be checking in on this dock when you approached, and I'm ever so glad I was. The gems up in the control room would have sent you away, or worse, destroyed your ship for fear of traitors, oho!" She laughs daintily, a hand to her lips. I harrumph, trying to sound impatient rather than uncomfortable. "Ah, yes, I'm sure you're anxious to be back on your way, and we've caused you enough delays, haven't we?" She waves her hand dismissively over her shoulder, and the team of seven or eight gems scramble about the ship. "Is the criminal inside?"

"Yes." I huff. "She's a biter, that one. Best not even approach." I try to act dismissive, too, flippant.

"I see. Let's leave the Cassiterites to it. I could show you to the offices for a moment-"

"No, I'd really rather not leave my captive alone. She's a tricky one, and I'd rather not have her steal _another_ ship and have to chase her around the galaxy." The Agate stops immediately, conceding. Even though Pyropes are only pilots and Agates are apparently leaders, it seems my attitude has managed to establish me as 'superior', for the moment.

"Very wise, Pyrope. I can imagine the stress of having to deal with a traitor like that. Best not to leave anything to chance." She nods. "We can watch the Cassiterites instead, make sure they don't interfere with the prisoner. That Sardonyx certainly did a deal of damage to your ship. Who knew that even soft Homeworld gems could be so violent?" She gestures to the ship and the scratches and punctures, but my focus is on the medium sized gems walking and crawling all over it, inspecting the damage from the real Pyrope, cleaning things, and other such things that I'm unsure of. I watch, curious, but it seems just like with any other ship. However, two or three of the Cassiterites, talking, send one of them over to us. She wears glasses, a sign of her superiority amongst her gemstone. She salutes to Luna Agate and I, bowing. The Agate nods.

"There's significant damage to the wings of the ship and several of the legs. We think it's best to replace the wings and a couple of the legs, but this process would take a little longer than minor repairs and refueling."

"How _much_ longer?" I ask, looking down my nose at them.

"An hour. We have the parts in stock here, as per protocol, but they're in deep storage. It's not often we have to replace parts, s-so the spares, they're kept someplace else. Apologies, ma'am." The Cassiterite bows again, low, and I can see her square yellow gem on her back.

"Well, if it can't be helped, I _guess_ that's fine." I roll my eyes.

"Th-thank you, ma'am. I, uh.." She tries to continue, but falters. I wait a moment for her to continue, but she's silent.

"Well, what, Cassiterite?" Luna Agate asks, her own voice betraying impatience. "Spit it out."

"Well, it's just that the procedure involves turning the ship upside down, to replace the legs the best. And, well, you have a prisoner onboard. We- we're unsure how to handle her in this situation."

"We can't have the prisoner onboard while they're repairing the ship, it seems." Luna Agate reiterates. "How would you like to handle this?" Damn it, damn it. I don't know what would be normal in this situation. I try to rationalize how I would actually keep a theoretical prisoner safe, while remembering that my prisoner is my partner.

"I'll keep the prisoner with me while you make the repairs and replacements. We can't have her running around by herself, after all. Or perhaps you could give me another ship so we can be on our way?" I suggest, hoping to leave as soon as possible. This conversation is stressful.

"Oh?" Luna Agate's eyebrow raises curiously. "A Pyrope willing to part with her ship? I've never heard of such a thing." The focus in her eyes is cutting; is she suspicious?

"It's not like I _want_ to leave it behind, but of _course_ the mission takes precedence. My orders were to retrieve and deliver the rogue Sardonyx with the _utmost_ haste. I'm already _late_ , you know." I try to make my words as scathing as her glare, but the silence I'm met with is unnerving. Then the Agate shrugs and I must contain a breath of relief.

"Very well. I commend you for your priorities, though, Pyrope. Most of your cut prize their ships over all else, such that I had seen. Your dedication to the Diamonds is worthy of reverence." She smiles softly, but that edge in her eyes is still there. Is she playing with me? Whatever the case, she gestures to the ship. "If you'll retrieve your prisoner, I'll show you to a new ship." I only nod, trying to seem irritated. Truth be told, I am, but I cannot place why. I walk back to the ship, the Cassiterites pausing their work as I do. I focus my mind on the Agate behind me as I look for the Pyrope's claw weapon. The Agate seems guarded, suspicious, but also seems.. unconcerned. Like she'll let this play out however it will, like she won't get her hands dirty with details.

When I find the claw machine, up by the console, I hurry to Sardonyx, who I can feel has questions.

"We're getting a new ship. This one's damaged and repairs could take an hour. I'd rather not wait that long; seems like inviting trouble." I explain as I attach the claw to her hands, as loose as possible without it being obvious. She nods. I pull her to her feet, then 'lead' her out. The Agate is there, waiting.

"She put up a fight?" She asks. Sardonyx bares her teeth.

"You bet." She snarls. I tug on the lead, glaring at her. I feel so bad, immediately, but it's for the sake of the character, I remind myself. Phantom Fluorite isn't doing this, _Pyrope_ is.

"Oh my. I am _impressed_ , Pyrope. _What_ a catch it must have been. I daresay that I myself would have had a spot of troubling wrangling this one." Luna Agate remarks, leading the way. She's taking us from this open domed room to a hallway, albeit an enormous, ship-sized hallway. As we enter, a Pearl comes up behind us, silently. The Agate says nothing, and Sardonyx seems unconcerned about it, so I hold my tongue.

"Yeah, well, the Diamonds wouldn't send someone incompetent for such an important job, would they?" I comment, and the Agate concedes. "But I've got to be honest- there was a small amount of luck involved. And a lot of stupid mistakes on this one's part."

"How humble of you." Sardonyx says, sounding bitter. She's playing the begrudging prisoner well. I pull on the lead again, jerking her sideways.

"Quite a mouth on her, isn't there?" The Agate comments. "And those teeth.. ugh. Anyway, we have several of the Junebug models that our own pilots use, or we have newer models with higher fuel efficiency, if you feel like trying something new." She gestures to a gallery of ships, inviting me to choose. "I'm sure you'll want your own ship back, someday, but have you ever considered trading up for a better one?"

"I-" I stall. This feels like a trap. What would a Pyrope say? What would she do? What's the importance of a ship? I don't know, I don't know. Before I can sputter out a probably incorrect answer, Sardonyx knocks me over, jamming her shoulder into me. She lands on top of me, teeth gnashing after my chest- presumably where Pyrope's head would be. I knock her off of me, though, holding onto the lead. She goes easily. I understand now that this is a distraction- meant to save me from answering. I jump to my feet, ready to play the fight.

"Oh dear." The Agate says, her foot keeping Sardonyx down. "She certainly is a feisty one. Aberrant." She grimaces.

"You see why I didn't want to leave her alone? She could tear those Cassiterites apart even like this." While I have no doubt that that _is_ true, I also know she'd really do no such thing. "Now, just put me in whatever ship gets me to Homeworld the soonest! I don't want to think about it."

"Very well. This model should do." She says, gesturing to a smaller, more angular ship, similar to the one the real Pyrope used. It sits in a room, behind a wall of electricity.

"Fine. Is it ready to go? I want to get her secured as soon as possible."

"Yes. All ships stored here are prepared for takeoff at any moment." She says, motioning to the Pearl. "Unlock this ship, Pearl." The Pearl nods, and moves to a screen on the wall. She fidgets with it shortly, and the wall of electricity disappears, the ship coming forward on a track into the hallway proper. "What do you think?"

"It's fine, I just want to go." I say, shortly. I hope it comes across as irritated, rather than anxious.

"Then it's yours. Come, Pearl." She says, perhaps too sweetly, clapping her hands to command the Pearl. "If you need anything, let me know. I'll be in the control tower. We'll send takeoff instructions shortly." And then she's gone, down the hall, Sardonyx and I alone with the ship in the hallway, no other gems even in sight. I am perplexed, but I don't know what else could possibly have happened here. I jolt back to the moment as Sardonyx, clears her throat specifically to capture my attention. It's subtle enough that no other gem would catch it even if they were watching for such a thing, but it does it's job.

I once more 'lead' her into the ship, Sardonyx, for her part, pretending to struggle. Even when we're inside, and I desperately want to drop the facade and the act, feeling sick and uneasy, I keep it up. I feel as though we've walked into a trap, and I cannot for the life of me place why I feel that way. Sardonyx sits to the side of the control panel, this ship significantly smaller on the inside than the other, and there being no other place to sit.

"This feels too easy." She says, quietly, almost whispering. I nod, but I am afraid they're somehow listening, and I can't bring myself to speak. I simply start the machine, so much easier now that I can read, and set it to head out to the flight zone. It rides along the track, the line appearing before the machine, leading out the opposite way we came in from. I almost relax, but then the radio kicks in with a buzzing sound, different from the old ship, and therefore jarring.

"This is Dock 13-C to LB 78-55A-02. Can you hear me?" It's Luna Agate, I can tell. The radio appears to be a built in feature of the control panel in this model, so I tap the most obvious button. It produces a tone, one that appears to signal to speak.

"This is LB 78-55A-02. Hear you perfectly fine." I try to say shortly.

"Good. Is there anything we can do for you before you set out?"

"Yes, actually. If you could transfer the files on my ship to this one, that would be great." I say, after a small moment of hesitation. Sardonyx says nothing, only watches patiently.

"Aren't you coming back for your ship, Pyrope?" Luna asks, that dark sweetness in her voice.

"Of course, but I hardly think the _Diamonds_ are going to wait that long for my _logs_." I sneer, even though I am mostly convinced we're not being watched.

"Of course, Pyrope. Transfer will take a few moments, and then you'll be on your way. Just wait in the flight zone for a moment. You'll see it on your screen. We'll start moving the ship out to the launchpad in the meantime." The radio cuts out with an air of finality, Luna Agate satisfied. The ship, in response, moves down the tracks, through the hallway, to another open domed building. There, it stalls, though the angled wings open up, and the ship rotates such that the nose is pointed up and out. Unlike the other room, there are no gems here. I get the feeling that this room has been unused in a while, and it sets me on edge.

To be safe, I hit the button that allowed Luna Agate to hear me before turning to Sardonyx.

"I feel like this is a trap." I say.

"I agree, but I don't know how. It's… uncomfortable, how this is all playing out. But I don't.." She shakes her head. I nod. A new window pops up on my screen, labelled 'JB 33-2O4-99/Files'. I watch as a bar grows across the window, reading various percentages until, finally, it reaches 100%. A new directory opens automatically, and I test open one of the logs. It seems unaltered, nothing missing. A thought occurs to me, and I hit the communication button.

"Luna Agate, I think it goes without saying, but these files are strictly for the courts to see _only_. It's probably best if you removed any copies from anything that's _not_ my ship. Keep your curious little Cassiterites out of it, you hear?" I say, hoping to at least temporarily stave off an investigation. Perhaps I've only brought more attention to us, but if we're assuming that Luna Agate is at least going to _pretend_ to believe this, then she will, for a while, leave those files be. There is a moment of quiet, and then the static turns on, followed by a voice.

"Absolutely. Loose logs means burning cogs, after all." She laughs over the radio. "It looks like you're almost ready to go, Pyrope-" She pauses, a new static adding into the sound. "One moment, Pyrope." Her voice grows distant, but it doesn't fade out. "This is Luna Agate at Dock 13-C, come in, Jettison 99.3." _"This is Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY. I was jettisoned from a JB unit about ten days ago in a faulty pod by two rebels that I'm tasked with capturing. The pod is badly damaged and has severely limited controls. I'm requesting assistance landing as well as a new ship to continue my mission. Please respond."_ "Granted, Pyrope 4G18Y. A ship will be there to ferry you shortly." I look at Sardonyx, and her face is as shocked and bewildered as I feel mine must be. Over the radio, Luna Agate can be heard approaching. She chuckles, knowing full well we can hear her. "Well, whoever you are, it was a fun game while it lasted, but you were just a little too slow to escape. Think: just a moment sooner, and you'd be off planet, and far enough away that even sending a fleet after you would do no good in capturing you. So what I wonder the most- more than who you really are, ' _Pyrope_ ', or why you're helping the Sardonyx- is what will you do now? Now that you're found out? Now that there's no way out? Now that you're trapped, with no resources, on a planet I have ruled for hundreds of years, full of enemies? I have to admit, rebels, I'm very, _very_ curious." The radio cuts out, and the air is still.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: According to Who's Plan?

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

Sardonyx stands. My hands are over the controls, ready to go, but I can't seem to think. Can't seem to move. Sardonyx leans over the console, out the window, talking, but I can't hear, either. I can't seem to process this. We never planned for getting caught, never planned for being found out. My mind spirals uselessly, already given in. I don't know what else to do, what else _can_ I do?

"Phantom, we have to go." Her voice finally edges into the realm of sense and understanding, but the meaning of the words take a moment longer.

"...go?" I ask, numbly.

"Fly the ship. Or tell me how to. Gems are swarming out there, we can still make it out of here if we hurry. Please." The whine of her voice sinks in, and I find the strength to look at her. She's removed the false binder and hand restraints, hands, like mine, poised over the controls. But her hesitation is a failure of knowledge, not a failure of mind. She blinks, eyes wide and unsure. The way she looks at my eyes and not just at my chest or shoulders, I must have dropped the illusion of Pyrope. She's looking to _me_ for help.

"Right." I mumble, my head still heavy with indecision, and something else. I can't even name it, though it's a familiar, old friend. It's the feeling of suffocation, of drowning. The sensation of being pushed out of your own body, your own mind, until all you are is a shell of a person. I push back. I need to be here, right now. My hands drift, too slowly, over the controls, making adjustments, preparing for takeoff. My eyes drift, as well, out the window, and I can see dozens of gems, all shapes and sizes, coming towards us. I can't make out faces or expressions, only looming, approaching silhouettes.

"What can I do?" Sardonyx asks.

"I don't know.. I don't know." I answer, dumbly, useless.

"Can we fight?"

"What?"

"Are there weapons on this ship? Where can I look?"

"I… here." I pull up a directory. I can't seem to do anything more. Sardonyx searches through it, but she growls.

"There's nothing here. They gave us a courier ship.. it's only job is to go places and get there _fast_. Is there any way we can take off?"

"I'm trying." It's true but it's also not. I'm trying, but thinking seems impossible right now. I can't focus, can't understand. I almost manage to engage the thrusters, the motion feeling like it takes a hundred years to complete, but something lands on the windshield, the glass cracking. It's a gem, and then there's another, and another, and the window explodes inward, shards of glass flying everywhere. I am too slow to react, but I can hear, distantly, as someone else does on my behalf.

I look up to see Sardonyx standing on the console, hair a pink blur as she engages with our attackers. The ferocity with which she meets their blows is astounding and fearsome. Already she has disassembled the forms of two gems, without needing my assistance. But someone grabs a tangle of hair and pulls her from the cockpit, a flash of her white teeth visible like a snapshot before she's gone.

Suddenly I can think. I leap to my feet, skirting around the gems still on the ship, in the pit with me, gems who suddenly have faces and are more than shadowy figures. I jump out around them, tackling the gem I assume grabbed Sardonyx, using my unfortunately slight weight to roll them to the side. Sardonyx pops to her feet beside me as I jump away from the rolling enemy. I try to shoot her a glance, some form of apology for my delay, but there is no chance, no time. A gem comes rushing at each of us. I hurriedly read their thoughts, and use that knowledge to dodge them, but I realize too late that I chose a path that puts me farther from my partner.

Alone, now, separated from her, I turn off my mind, and open my thoughts to those around me. I haven't done this in so long, the wave of intentions is almost overwhelming, but I fall into it quickly enough. Read just enough to move, to dodge, to use against them. I become less of a person and more a thing of motion, using and doing everything to survive the onslaught of _others_ against me. Vaguely, I can feel Sardonyx's amongst these many thoughts, but I cannot seem to focus on them like I can the others. Her thoughts are so slight, so nimble that I can't catch them.

With a sense of alarm, I feel what she was talking about earlier. Becoming movement. I can feel it in her thoughts, but more surprising to me is that I feel it in myself. There is something grand about this movement, the perfect rhythm of being in between here and there, and it _must_ be perfect, or our lives are forfeit. It's a dance, even if it is a dance of dangerous necessity. My chest floods with this new understanding of my partner, and I feel a sense of new lightness to my form, as though the dance is just that much easier now that I understand it.

These gems are not warriors, they are mechanics, engineers, designers, pilots; it's only a small wonder they fall like they do, forms evaporated into dust. In what feels like no time at all, what was a field of foes is now an empty plain, our enemies few and far between. Sardonyx and I have somehow ended up back to back, ready for the heat of battle to begin again. But they hesitate.

The sound of clapping rises out of nowhere, slow and steady, followed by the distinctly loud footsteps of Luna Agate entering the room. Her own gems seem surprised, but also relieved.

"Marvelous! I am most pleased, but not surprised. I had rather hoped you'd put up a fight." She announces to us, standing relaxed, arms crossed behind her, across the launchpad. I am quiet. I am unsure how to respond.

"So.. you want to fight us yourself?" Sardonyx asks, turning only slightly to face her. Her mind is focused on the three or four gems still directly in front of her, though they are several meters away.

"Something like that. I was a much younger gem when I was assigned here. I'd never seen a real battle, and there hadn't been much need for a gem like me to go out on space exploration missions, so they put me here, where my leadership would at least be put to use. I thought that once the planet was finished being minimized, I'd move to a new one, and so on, the construction and overseeing therein a kind of conquest I could partake in. But the planet was finalized, perfected, and I remained, as though it were never a question that I was supposed to stay." Here she sighs, eyes closing lightly. "But I am an Agate, and I have always desired a real fight. It's my purpose, and I have been denied it for far too long. Two rebels are a meager first fight, but I'll take it." Her voice, previously gentle, almost soothing, becomes a strangled snarl at the end, and she grins a wicked, malevolent grin as she summons her weapon from her kneecap gem. The whip lashes out and out and out, impossibly long, the end splitting in two points.

All the other gems immediately scatter. They can feel this is a fight they can't take part in, for their own safety. Luna Agate's mind is a furious vortex of violence, kept well under lock and key for a very, _very_ long time, and it all comes out at once, a storm of rage that I daresay the others can physically feel as well. Once again, it's almost overwhelming, but something keeps me grounded.

"I want to be clear before we begin. I'm coming for your gems. There will be nothing left to ship back to Homeworld if I win." She announces, voice edged unnervingly. She cracks the whip, a bolt of energy rippling down, exploding out the twin ends. The room, though I know it is large, is so quiet that I feel a sense of claustrophobia, an old fear I'd hoped I'd gotten rid of. It threatens to swallow me up into thoughtless numbness again, but I stand firm, afraid though I am.

Faster than I can capture, Luna Agate launches at us, whip swirling and crackling with energy. I can't read her thoughts, but is that because I can't focus, or is she like Sardonyx, thoughts too fluid for a solid understanding? I can't even move as I see, motion slowed with fear, the whip coming down straight for me. I feel constricted as memories of days and years of torture come back to me, weighing me down. I am certain this is my end, stricken down while stuck with fear.

But a flash of pink and orange and yellow and gold in front of me catches the whip and I am brought to my senses as she and the larger Agate trade blows. Sardonyx holds onto the end of the whip with one hand, catching or delivering swipes with her other. Luna Agate cracks the whip, and a new bolt ripples down; Sardonyx neutralizes the kinetic aspect of the ripple, but the wave of electricity continues through her form, a short scream resounds through the dome, cut off as Luna Agate backhands her away.

She's after her almost immediately, but I find the strength to move, using my mind to tear her feet out from under her. She lands, face first on the ground, the neat panelling ruined under her impressive weight. She pushes herself up, head swinging back to look at me, eyes wild. I give a little gasp, backing up. I'm so tired, magically, and my physical strength is very, very limited. She goes to launch the whip my way, but something pulls back.

Sardonyx, across the room, a wall utterly smashed behind her, stands pulling back with her whole body on the whip. Small streams of electricity still lance, dancing, around her form, but she seems angry more than pained. Luna Agate gives a small but powerful snap to the whip, but Sardonyx returns an equal, neutralizing snap. She then leaps, forceful, directly at Luna Agate, but she responds by swirling the whip, sending Sardonyx in a spiral through the air until she's rammed into the upper wall, letting go of the whip's end. As Luna Agate ponders her next move, the whip's end falls and settles near me. I have the vaguest sense of a plan, but it involves grabbing hold of that torturous weapon, and my form quivers at the thought. But I see Sardonyx shake rubble from herself, standing on the catwalk halfway up the dome. She's giving everything she can to this, she even saved me when I was certain I was done for, so how can I stand to do any less?

Sardonyx lifts and tosses an enormous chunk of wall at Luna Agate, who dodges, leaping to the side. I take my moment, take my chance, and take hold of the end of the whip, and run towards the ship. I've no idea if this will even work or help at all, but it's all I can think to do. There are tremendous _thuds_ and _crashes_ as I dash madly for the ship. How did I end up this far away from it? Heavens!

Thank goodness for the severe length of the whip, though, for if it were a more standard length I'm sure I'd never have gotten this far unnoticed. Thank goodness for Sardonyx as well, keeping the owner of the perilous thing too busy to think to use it. Finally I reach the ship, running so fast I can hardly stop myself from crashing into it. I pry at the underbelly, where access to the engine should open up easily. As I've thought before, my physical strength is hardly anything, but my mental strength has been far too wane recently. Constant use after next to nothing for literal centuries will do that to a gem, I suppose, but I _had_ genuinely thought I'd never be in a combat situation again once I settled down on that asteroid.

I manage to add just enough to pop open the panel, the engine idling inside. I'm not terribly familiar with its inner workings, but there are arms that swing around when the engine is engaged, and these are what I was hoping for. I jam the talon-like twin spikes in between the numerous pumping, swinging arms, then stab the talons themselves into something stationary. Having accomplished that, I fall out of the engine, my backside stinging. I look over my shoulder to see Sardonyx toss the largest section of wall yet, the grainy, rocky insides revealing pillars of metal inside that once served as structural foundation. It crashes down, and I wonder if my actions were at all necessary or helpful, if perhaps Sardonyx has managed to defeat Luna Agate on her own.

But the section rumbles and wiggles, then slowly rises, the Agate groaning underneath, lifting the section with a single hand. She then tosses it back to Sardonyx, who disappears from my sight behind the enormous chunk of wall. I proceed with my plan, then, hoping on every star I ever saw that she escaped being crushed. I climb through the front of the ship, the window completely destroyed. I tumble to the floor, wasting no time to scramble around to the console. I almost can't process my own hands commanding the ship. It springs to life, the wings opening as it stirs, unevenly into the air. The engine makes a terrible grinding sound as it eats up the whip, countless meters disappearing into the gnawing machine. It pulls me and the ship forward, as the whip is also stuck around or under thrown segments of wall. These come loose with the straining, screaming effort of the ship, which I fight to control.

Jerkingly, it approaches Luna Agate, consuming her whip, though she doesn't seem to be aware of it until it jerks in her hand. She pulls back on it, but when it fails to fly forward, she wrenches around, and the last I see of her is a look of awe and fear as she presumably stares up into the belly of the ship. I pass over her, and the sound of the engine gets worse. It bucks and buckles, and my attempts to restrain it's erratic motions come to a failure as I am tossed from the cockpit, once more onto my back.

Without my control, the ship buzzes off into a wall behind me, exploding on impact. I look around for Sardonyx, or at least proof that Luna Agate's form was dissipated. Instead of either of them, I can only see dust settle, slowly, as there's only a limited artificial gravity on this planet for the sake of the ships. I rise, my body strangely sore. I wander through the dust anyway, anxious to find Sardonyx. She _has_ to be okay. I feel so weak on my own that even one of those Cassiterites could realistically pose a threat. Furthermore, I cannot move on without her, not now, not without knowing I did everything I could.

I try to call out for her, but fear chokes my throat. Oh- fear. That's what had me motionless earlier. It was so overwhelming I couldn't recall the name. It's a horrible force that stains much of my early memories, one that I'd tried to defeat by force of forgetting. I can see now that those memories were only waiting to come back, to be relevant again. And now they keep from calling out.. I force her name through my mouth anyway. I need to find her.

"Sardonyx!" The room, though empty besides the three of us earlier as well, seems so much moreso now. Maybe it's the dust haunting the air, or the scattered chunks of rock and metal that have ruined a once pristine building, or perhaps yet it's that I can't place either of the other two gems who were just with me. It's empty and eerie, and I feel so much smaller than I ever have before.

I flinch as a shadow rises through the dust, but I hesitate to bolt the other way because it might be my partner. I hold fast, but I quail as it approaches, far too large to be my nearly dainty companion. My knees shake instead of running me away, however, as her whip lights up the diminishing dust, her eyes aglow with a fiery emotion I cannot place.

She raises the whip, and I find the strength to run, but I fail to get very far as the whip catches around me, halting me. I stumble to my knees, my arms pressed at my side. More memories bubble up, and I find it difficult to move, to think, and Luna Agate tugs me, sliding, across the floor to her.

"You know, you almost had me there. If you had, perhaps, fully brought the ship down on me, I might not have escaped. Instead, you let it pass over me, and I simply let go of the whip. You _do_ know I can make more than one of these, don't you?" I only shake, wordless. She examines me, eyes flitting up and down.

"My, my, what a thing _you_ are. Is this what you really look like under that fascinating Pyrope disguise? How _did_ you do it, by the by?" Her sweet voice from earlier is back, but her eyes are cruel and hard. "Can't you speak any more? Come now, tell me your secrets. Homeworld will do it's best to wrench them out of you anyway. You might as well divulge a little bit willingly." Here, she kneels, stooping down. She takes my face in her hand, thumb resting on one of the extra facets of my gem. If I felt motionless before, I certainly am now. I feel like a statue, no thoughts, no will, no wishes. I can do nothing. I am nothing.

"I could do some of the wrenching for them." She almost whispers to me. She taps the hilt of the whip, little snippets of electricity dashing down the length of the whip. I stiffen, utterly afraid, but they dissipate before long. "What a creature you are.." She snarls, gripping my face harder. I want to cry, to whimper, to plead, to beg, but I can only tremble, overtaken by fear and memories. "What will Homeworld give me if I tear you apart, piece by piece?" Her eyes widen, and I feel myself fall further into despair.

However-

"Excuse me." Sardonyx says, eyes narrowed to slits, Luna Agate and I stunned into silence, her approach gone unnoticed because of our focus on the moment- the terrifying moment. Sardonyx pulls a golden hand back, and suddenly those gold-adorned fingers are buried in Luna Agate's face. Like dust being blown away, the nearly suffocating rage disappears from Luna Agate. Or, rather, it's smothered by something else, something bigger, something angrier.

In motion too slow to be real, I watch the shock process in her eyes as her form dispels. Sardonyx stands over her, victorious, even as or perhaps especially as her body disappears. Her gem clinks to the ground, and then her whip dispels as well. I nearly fall over, shocked myself, but Sardonyx, hands suddenly without their gauntlets, catches me by the shoulders, holding me close. I'm too numb to react, but somewhere in my addled mind, I'm quite glad to be held.

"Are you okay?" She asks, face buried in my neck. Mute, I move my hands to her back, returning the embrace. "Okay." She's silent, as contemplative as I am, for several moments. "I'm sorry all this happened. I thought we could get in and out and.. and we couldn't. I'm sorry we got separated, I'm sorry if you thought I was gone, I- I got stuck but I came back as fast as possible and-"

"No, I'm-" I manage to blurt out. "None of this could have been planned for. We did our best beforehand but, but there's too many variables to figure it out. We did our best. You did your best."

"We're still stuck here, though. No ship.." She mourns. I hadn't even thought that far ahead. I was still processing the fact we're even still alive, that she saved my sorry stone again today, that we managed to take down an Agate… A small voice clears their throat, alerting us to their presence. We break apart, Sardonyx immediately on her feet, ready to attack. It's a Cassiterite, the one with the glasses.

"W-wait!" She throws out her hands. "We- I don't want to fight you! I don't think I could…" She mumbles.

"Then- Then what do you want?" Sardonyx asks, diplomatically, if still wary.

"We, uh, want to negotiate for our leader." She gestures to the pale blue gem on the floor by Sardonyx's feet. "Luna Agate.. isn't the worst leader. She's strict and bossy and impatient sometimes but.. there are worse gems to have to work for. And.. _I_ , at least, am a bit inspired by your.. relationship. You fought for each other, not just yourselves or.. well, anyway, I guess I want to offer you a bit of help.. in disguise of asking you to spare our leader." She explains, then bows, hands pressed together in front of her head.

"You- you want to help us so we don't shatter your leader?" Sardonyx reiterates. "I wouldn't-"

"I figured!" Cassiterite interrupts, "I mean, you haven't already.. But I don't know how else to phrase it so that we, and Luna Agate, don't get in trouble for giving you a ship. When we report this…"

"Oh, I see. Well, uh, yes, then. We, uh, demand a ship and- and in return we'll, uh.." Sardonyx falters, unsure.

"We'll release Luna Agate." I say, taking hold of her gem. Though my form shivers, disgusted, at the cold stone, and I desperately desire to fling it at the nearest wall, I hold it gently. There's a life in there, and I promised shattering would be 'only if necessary', and I cannot think of a way that it would be, especially now that she's a hostage.

"O-of course! Wh-what ship can I provide you with?" Cassiterite asks, looking up from her bow. She glances at the both of us, but Sardonyx looks at me, shrugging.

"The- the same kind of model as the one Luna Agate gave us, but with some kind of weaponry, if that's at all possible. And load up our files onto the new one, as well." I start.

"And if you don't mind _actually_ deleting the files, please." Sardonyx asks.

"Absolutely. HB models don't come with weapons, but there's a similar model that does. It's a little bigger, a tiny bit slower, but it should serve your needs."

"That sounds perfect." I say.

"Then I'll get my gems to get on it. If you'll come with me." Cassiterite says, standing up from her bow. She waves a hand as she leads the way. I feel a twinge of fear, but I sense there's no intent of dishonesty in her mind, so I let Sardonyx pull me to my feet and lead me, hand tight on mine, down the hallway to the left, opposite where we entered. I am startled by how little I can think, even now that the danger has passed, but I feel as though I've expended all my good ideas just haggling for a ship. I hate it, in a way, that I must rely on Sardonyx to pull me forward. In another way, I am glad that I have such assistance, that, in this moment at the least, I can trust her enough to do so.

"That launchpad's in pretty bad shape, so we're getting your ship ready over in another one this way." Cassiterite announces, ahead of us. For such a small gem, she moves awful spritely. "Say, while we're on our way there.. can you tell me what it's like?"

"What do you mean?" Sardonyx asks back.

"What it's like.. outside Homeworld rules. I'm.. I'm not brave enough to join the Rebellion, and honestly, I _do_ like my life here, but.. I sympathise. I wonder. A lot of the Cassiterites do."

"Well, it's mostly a lot of running, so far. We just started our adventure, really. But it's also.. making decisions for yourself, freely. Thinking and not wondering if those thoughts are forbidden. It's dreaming and feeling a real hope that something.. that things can be better." Sardonyx explains. Cassiterite nods. I can think of nothing to add.

"I wanna say, I wish you luck in your journey. I wish I was brave enough to join you but… it's a lot out there, and I'm a small gem with a limited set of skills.. and I am comfortable here." She says, sighing. "Thank you for your fight. It gives a lot of us hope, too, that maybe things will change." She stops as we step into the light of a new dome, a new launchpad. "My gems should be just about done with your ship, now. I'd hurry. They're still towing that Pyrope in, and she'll be after you quickly. We can delay her but.. that'll only last so long." Cassiterite offers.

"If you could, but don't get in trouble for our sakes. You're already doing a lot, really." Sardonyx smiles. Still, she pulls me forward, towards the new ship. We do have to be going. Cassiterite follows behind us.

"I wish I could do more." She says, dejected. As we approach the ship, Sardonyx takes Luna Agate from my hands, gently, and passes her to the Cassiterite, who looks oddly down at her leader.

"Just keep believing there are better ways." Sardonyx's cheerful reply seems to startle the Cassiterite, who adjusts her glasses.

"But how will that help?"

"It'll help _you_ keep going. Keep believing and keep doing what you can to be kind. Is there anything we can do for you, before we go?"

"No, ma'am. We're rooting for you." She says, and salutes, her fellows falling in behind her. "We'll say as little as we can about you in our reports." She whispers with a wink.

"Thank you." Sardonyx says, and I nod. I wish I could say something myself, but I'm worn out. Sardonyx pulls me into the ship, guiding me gently to the controls. "I'd do it, if I could." She whispers, even though we're alone. I nod. I shall have to remember to teach her how to fly a ship sometime in the future..

A bit on auto-pilot myself, I set up the machine and the path that we should take. I don't care about specifics right now, only that we leave, now. Hastily, I check to see that our files are there, and then lift the ship up and away. Sardonyx waves out the window to the Cassiterites, some of whom wave back. Soon, though, they are dots on a blue-gray background, and sooner still their planet is distant and small behind us.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Go Forward; Go Back

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

As we rush away, not on any particular path to any particular place, I can't help but feel guilty for everything. Phantom's already said that we did the best with what we knew at the time, but is it possible I could have, _should have_ , known better? All I know is the terrible fear I saw on their face too much today. How I could feel the despair in their heart when Luna Agate had captured them, and how I could not stand to see it and know that I could have prevented it.

Oh, how I wanted to do so much worse than destroy her form, but something in me wasn't quite ready to cross that line. I wanted to scream, to shout, to deliver back to her the fear she'd forced onto Phantom, but I couldn't articulate any of it, more than just _acting_. I wanted to hurt her, to damage her body and mind, wanted to desecrate every sense of safety she ever felt, wanted to… terrible things. I couldn't do it, couldn't really think about it, and I moved too fast to do or think about doing anything worse.. Even so, I hope she feels something akin to terror when she looks back on today. I can't imagine that a small noble would normally cause fear in a warrior tested and trained like her, but perhaps she'll never quite be comfortable around what she would have once assumed were 'pampered nobles' as she used to be..

I shake my head. I've never been this angry at anyone specific before. Honestly, I can't recall being this angry in general, ever. It's intense, burning, something claiming a large part of me, rather than something I call my own. I look down at my hands, and think how just an hour ago I drove the gold-tipped fingers of my right hand into the face of an Agate warrior… that strange violent compulsion, the _frenzy_ of the moment demanding I.. I don't even know. In the moment, all I could think about was achieving a kind of vengeance, but how exactly, I can't quite recall. Maybe I didn't have a plan, so much as a series of desires. I don't know. I felt so crisp, so clear, so _focused_ , and now I can't seem to make any sense of what I was even feeling, let alone thinking..

"Are you alright?" Phantom asks me, voice tired. I snap back to the present, eyes lazily focusing on them.

"I should be asking you that." I answer, unsure if I am alright or not.

"I'm… not in the best condition, but I'm unharmed, physically. Now, are you..?" They gesture to me, to my clenched hands, which I release. I didn't realise I was still… "Your thoughts are a mess. You seem.. upset, confused. But I can't read why.."

"You can read thoughts?" I ask. Did I know that before?

"Oh, well, vaguely. It's more.. I can sense feelings more than specific thoughts, but a lot of practice has made it possible to reasonably predict where those feelings will lead. I forgot to mention it.." They wave a hand, half dismissing it, half apology. "I apologise for that."

"No, it's fine. I thought I'd forgotten that." I shake my head. "It's probably a useful ability." Phantom nods.

"But what's bothering you?"

"I- I'm not sure." I admit, sinking into the second chair. I'm not sure I knew it was there, before. Why have I been standing this whole time?

"Well, tell me about it." They sit back. Stars, they seem so very tired. I feel even worse for my delay, getting stuck in a back room, pinned by the heap of wall Luna Agate returned to me.. I am grateful she took the time to gloat over Phantom, for fear of what worse she might have done to them instead.. I would never forgive myself if she hurt them.

"I- I feel guilty about the whole.. escapade. I.. I know we were doing everything we could, but maybe we should have waited for you to feel stronger, I mean.. it takes you so long to recharge and now you're more exhausted than ever and.. and I saw the way she scared you and it.. it made me so _mad_ I just. I felt like I.. did that to you. I made you.. have to go through that. I'm not sure how, but that's how I feel. You were so weak, so afraid and I.. I did that to you." Shaking my head, I lean forward in the chair, slightly. "Worse, I realise that this whole time I've.. kind of made you do everything. I know you chose to come with me but I.. this is _my_ dream and you.. you're just going along with it because I said so or.. something. Everything you've had to do since we left the asteroid has been because of me and I think I failed to realise how taxing that might be to you, magically, mentally, emotionally.. All these things you're forced to face or relive because of me.." I shudder. "And.. and the worst part of it is that.. I don't even know what you're reliving, what you have to face and remember _every single time_ we meet another gem.. and we'll be doing a lot of that, from now on, and all I know is that you _are_ reliving _something_ and that it's not.. good. And… I did all this to you." I sink forward, head on my knees. I want to cry, but I feel so empty, so numb and null and void. The empty cavern of my being is full only of the knowledge that I've possibly been torturing Phantom this entire time, that I am the monster that hurts them constantly, and without even realising it.

"I.. " Phantom starts, but sighs, stopping. "It's true that I'm following you on your adventure, on a path to your dream, but have you considered that perhaps it's a dream that I have come to believe in, too? That maybe it's my dream now, too? I… I could leave, any time I want. Take a pod and find a hole and stay there until some other runaway noble crashes there a thousand thousand years from now.. but I don't. I stay. We.. we're partners, and I choose to remain so.

It's true this adventure is.. more taxing than I'd thought it would be, but I was operating on the assumption that my old hauntings were just that.. but I am realising that.. it's not so easy as that. I hoped I could forget what frightened me so, but.. here we are." They explain, the exhaustion prevalent in their voice. "And that's something I will have to deal with, yes, but I choose to. I- I am choosing to. By staying, by not hiding away again." I sit up, now, strong enough to face them. "My past can't be changed, but.. the way I deal with it can. I am, honestly, ashamed by how much it rendered me.. useless."

"You couldn't help it." I shake my head. "And.. I feel like I should have _realised_ that. That.. this would be.. you might… I.." I can't even talk, because I don't know what I'm thinking. I just feel responsible. Phantom shakes their head.

"You couldn't have known. I didn't, either, after all. I truly thought I'd buried it so deep in my mind that I was above it, but it's practically at my feet, holding me down all the same, after all this time. It's a hard thing to realise, but you aren't responsible for my mind or my memories, Sardonyx."

"But can I at least help you? I.. I can't shake the feeling I should have done better." Phantom laughs at this, not degradingly, but rather amused instead.

"I'm sorry for laughing, but, Sardonyx, you stole the show. _You_ kept the Agate busy, kept her from attacking, nearly crushed her, and ultimately, _you_ are the one who defeated her. I.. I was frozen with fear and you- you saved me. How could you possibly have done better?" They smile, faintly.

"I.. I don't know." I admit. "I just saw her.. practically torturing you and I got.. I got so _furious_ I just.." I breath a heavy almost-snarl just remembering her horrible grin at poor Phantom's wide-eyed, stricken face. "I couldn't _stand it._ "

"Ah, easy, there." Phantom holds a hand to their gem, grimacing. "That's.. very intense." Their face is instantly that of relief as shock and concern replace my anger.

"Oh, I forgot- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to- I.." I just bite my lip, unsure how to explain. They wave a hand, as if to say 'no worries'. We're quiet for a moment, and we both settle a little more into our seats. It's nice to relax again after such.. activity, but it's also a little surreal, at least for me. We were just fighting for our lives and now we're just.. dashing through the stars again.

"I _am_.. honored that you got so angry on my behalf. It's actually incredibly terrifying. The Agate had such.. pent up rage but you.. you completely dwarfed her." They chuckle. "I think that's what allowed me to move at all after she showed up. That I wasn't alone against.. that."

"Really?"

"Truly." They nod.

"Are you okay, Phantom? You.. seem so tired, and now you're consoling _me_.. when I think you need some kind of support more." Phantom sighs, and I get the sense that this tiredness is an old, old thing that hasn't left them in a long time. It occurs to me that Phantom themself is very, very old. It was a different age when White Diamond was the only Diamond to exist, a distant age when we had only the planets in our star system.. Long before even Yellow Diamond and Blue Diamond existed, when space travel could only carry us as far as two lengths of Homeworld at a time.. If Phantom has been haunted by their past this whole time.. I can't even imagine it.

"I'm.. dealing with a lot. Like I said, I'd thought I was over my distant past but.. I was very, very wrong." They sigh, as though trying to forget it again. "I.. don't know how to deal with it."

"Maybe.. I know revisiting it is probably the last thing you want to do, but, uh, maybe letting it out.. could help." They look at me strangely. They're not doubtful, but they seem… unsure. "I.. having a sympathetic listener might.. Oh, I don't know. The only way I know to solve problems is to run through them, over and over until the source of the problem is found and can be examined and dealt with. I don't know how else to deal with anything, really."

"I. Hmm. I really don't _enjoy_ thinking about it, but.. it's the only thing I've never tried." They swallow, nervous. "Would you really.. listen? It's not.. not a pleasant story, and much of it is.. the same horrible things, over and over." I nod.

"I would. If you want to talk. You could start small, too, if that's an option." Phantom nods, closing their eye and turning away.

"And you think it could really.. help?"

"I do. If it's too much, you can stop any time, or.. we can try it later. But I'm not afraid to listen."

"Well.." They turn back to me. "I don't really know where to begin. I could start at, well, the beginning, but.. it's.."

"Whatever you want. I'm just listening." I shake my head. "It's all up to you."

"Then I suppose I better start there.."

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

"I don't know if you remember waking up, Sardonyx, suddenly existing, but I do. It was.. so strange..

 _Suddenly, I_ _ **am**_ _. It's dark, but I find my way to the light. I stumble out, amazed. What is everything? I have thoughts, questions. I cannot say how, but I distinctly_ _ **was not**_ _before this. I am now. I exist. And I am not alone. I watch as others came out from their place in the ground, new and inexperienced and interested, interesting. Hands reach out to help them stand for the first time, to answer their questions, to give them their numbers, but not me. I look around, wondering, why don't I get any help?_

 _I am surprised to see there are others in front of me, maybe there to help me, but their arms are not out to embrace. They are pulled back, afraid, unsure,_ _ **disgusted**_ _. I cringe. What's wrong? I look at my fellow new ones, and I see a commonality between them. Small and lithe, thin, delicate, cute. Their colors are yellows and greens and faint blues. I look down at my hands. They're dark and blue, long, and thin, yes, but too thin to be compared to the others. I look up at the others again. They're gone._

 _Soon everyone is gone, quickly leaving the room, too white, too light. Where are they going? Are they going to come back for me? Why am I different? Why am I alone?_

 _My questions aren't answered, ever, really. I am left alone for a long time, and it makes my chest feel tight and hollow. It aches. I don't understand. Why am I alone? Why am I alone?_

 _Eventually they return. They're not the same ones who left, though. The others were big and pink and soft. These are green and angry and they poke and prod and hold me too tight. They swarm me, looking at me everywhere, tugging and pushing and I don't like it. I'd rather be alone than this, please, please stop. But they don't, they don't stop, and they explain nothing to me, only comment to themselves._

" _Its form is completely unpredicted- way outside our projections for possible shapes_ _ **and**_ _sizes." One nasally voice whines. The others make marks on strange floating panels that follow them. I don't understand them._

" _And it's not verifiably useful, either. Its limbs are too thin to bear any significant amount of weight." More marks, more sounds of fingers against panels. This green plays with my arm, then pulls me up by the leg. I nearly fall, but she doesn't care._

" _Gem structure implies possible impurities, or perhaps an unstable seeding environment. Unsure if it can sustain a weapon." This one prods at my face, painfully. I cry out, but they pay no mind. If anything, they seem disappointed. I put my hand to my face and realize that where I think another eye should be, where eyes are on the greens and on the pinks, there is a hard structure, pointing directly out, and other shapes on two sides of it, and two others further out on the other side. I look at the greens, and see that at various places on their bodies, there are similar hard shapes, shiny and bright, but none that look like mine feels. Theirs are rounded, smooth. Mine feels edgy and pointy, and there are those extra shapes, too. Is this what's different about me?_

" _Try provoking it again."_

" _Let me get a prodder." One says, disappearing. When she returns, it is with a long, straight stick with prongs at the end. "Stand clear." The other greens move away, clearing the air around me. Uncertain what's happening, I stand still, watching them put space between they and I. The one green points the stick at me, and I feel.. something bad. I do not like it._

 _Then my form is buzzy, fizzy, hard to contain, hard to feel, it's bad, it's bad, stop stop stop._

 _There is brief relief, but then it's back, and I hear a terrible, horrible sound. The buzzing pulls away and I realize I'm making that sound. It's harsh and loud and long. I hold the spot where the stick struck me, a strange leftover feeling of the buzzing remaining there. This.. hurts. It hurts. It's bad. I don't like it. Why? I want to ask the greens, but I'm not sure how. They make marks on their floating panels. They make sounds with their mouths and they mean things, how do I?_

" _No effect. Up the voltage." One says. The stick-bearing one makes some invisible adjustments, and the approaches me with it. I back up, upset, knowing what happens when it gets close. It's bad, and I do not like it. Why do they want to do this bad thing to me? But I cannot escape, and this time it's worse. The green pulls back sooner this time, but returns again sooner too. I yell again. It hurts, it hurts, stop, stop,_ _ **stop, STOP, S T O P**_

 _And it does, but something else happens. The room shakes. The air seems heavy, like it's pushing on everything all at once and it takes a long time for me to realise it's_ _ **me**_ _. I'm doing this. I'm shaking the air. The greens have all fallen over, huddling, they do not like it, and I don't like it either, but I cannot stop. Cracks develop on the walls as the pressure grows and grows and grows, out and out and out, forever forever forever forever-_

 _Until my body disappears and I find myself in a new place, a somehow not-place, far away but also right there. I can feel the Outside, but I am not there. I am Inside, but inside is what? Inside is where? I feel Touch, but my body is somehow inside the Touch. It is distant and I cannot control it, I cannot run, I cannot hide, and I do not like it. The greens touched and it hurt, it was bad. I do not like it. I feel the tight, small feeling, but it is my everything. What is it? I don't like it! I am, I am, I am_

 _I am afraid._

And it continued like that for a long time. The Peridots conducted little tests on me, and after that first.. visit.. there was always a guard or two, increasing in number. As the tests grew more.. disruptive, I grew more violent, and I struggled to control my powers at all, and so more and more guards of higher and higher caliber were assigned. It was that way for.. probably several years. It was all I knew, and it became a familiar routine that always eventually ended in the disassembling of my form.

Everything I learned, I learned by stealing snippets from the Peridots and Quartz guards. But it was very little, and very unhelpful in general. I slowly learned that we were an experiment, those new gems and I. A new line of gems, meant to serve and assist others, but I came out.. wrong. Very wrong. I couldn't understand how, though. I didn't do anything on purpose. I didn't.. choose to be the way I was, am." I stop, tired. Sardonyx nods, eyes glossy. She is.. upset, to say the least. Her forefront emotion is sorrow, deep, deep sorrow, but not too far down, she is angry. Repulsed. She swallows hard, motioning for me to continue.

"I think.. that's all I care to revisit for now. I.. we need to decide where we're going, now." Despite the heavy nature of the story told, my head feels much clearer, and I now know that the random destination I selected on a vague path to Earth is probably not a wise decision. I turn to the autopilot, looking at the map. The ship is far too quiet. "So.. what do you think?"

"Of.. of what?"

"Of my.. story. The start of my past."

"I think it's horrible, but you didn't need me to tell you that. I.." She sighs. "Honestly, Homeworld isn't that much better now, but it's so hard to.. to reconcile that this happened. That they did this. We're much more.. lenient.. now, about gem diverging from the norm. A lot of times their differences are seen as 'special skills or traits' but.. I also know that not too long ago we were much more strict about perfection.." She sighs again, shaking her head, hands turning to fists. "I just.. I can't believe I blindly followed the gems who could allow or request that.. I mean, I can, but I hate it. I hate that I.. was a part of that. I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I could have stopped it."

"There's nothing any one gem could have done, especially back then. I know that now."

"I.. knew that too, but it's still not fair. It's still horrible, and I still wish it hadn't happened." She murmurs. Her thoughts are heavy with.. some kind of longing. It's hard to define.

"Thank you. I'm glad that.. you would have stepped in on my behalf. My younger self would have appreciated it greatly. Though.. you would likely have been tried for treason."

"I can imagine. I think it still would have been worth it." She nods, looking at the console. "Where are we going, captain?" She asks, referring to the map. Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that.

"Right now we're heading towards just a random planet that got us away from Pyrope and Luna Agate. It's.. sort of on the way to Earth, although it's on a different 'path' than we were taking before. This ship has a different fuel source, one that needs less and less often. So the planet I've chosen is actually much, much before we need to stop."

"I think we shouldn't wait so long for refueling this time around. And maybe stealing a ship _would_ be easier than trying to refuel."

"I agree. We can sneak much easier than playing a game." I sigh. "Much safer, too. How about we start heading more towards this planet? It's bigger, with more spread out city plans. Goodness, look, this ship has maps of individual planets.."

"Amazing. I think that's a good plan. How long will it take to get there?" Sardonyx asks, exploring the map.

"Another.. fifteen days. We'll still be half full, then. And we're going to steal a ship, this time?" I just want to confirm.

"It seems like the better approach." Sardonyx nods.

"Well, then, get comfortable. Fifteen days of deep space travel, here we go." I say, a little dryly, as I reset the autopilot to our new destination. It turns slightly, and we're on our way.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Seeds Sown

 _Sardonyx Facet? Cut?_

For several days we sit, still, as the ship carries us along. The first two, we are silent, reflecting on our first battle together. I can hardly believe it. It passed so quickly, and though it was definitely _quite_ an event, I feel as though it was smaller than I thought it might be. Don't get me wrong, it was terrifying, and I _do not_ look forward to the stresses of fighting again, but part of me had expectations for what the heat of battle 'ought to be', and it wasn't so. Everything moves faster when you're fighting for your life; I thought this made everything feel more important, more weighty, but truthfully, I have never felt more carefree, my actions inconsequential.

I haven't been able to make much more sense of it beyond that observation, and I worry that Phantom Fluorite may be thinking on it differently. I know that they did their best to encourage me in the beginning, but have they changed their mind? We've been so quiet, these past few days, talking only rarely, and when we do, it's Phantom telling a little bit more of their story. We say nothing of the battle, of Luna Agate, or of Pyrope, who is assuredly on our trail. There's no way of knowing how far she is behind us, or what we'll have to do to fend her off again. We've held against her well, so far, but as we've learned, there's still a lot we don't know, and that is our greatest weakness.

Thankfully, though, Phantom seems to be regaining their strength rather quickly this time around. Maybe getting back into using it is helping build up their magical stamina, or some such. It's hard to say. All I know is that they seem livelier, even if they are quiet, and the haunting, daunting tiredness that weighed down their eye at the start of this second flight is almost gone.

Speaking of, I'm not sure if talking about their early life has been at all helpful with that, but if only for my own sake, I'd like to believe it has. However, for my own part, it's been a great new weight on my mind. Already, it's a hazy half-story, but the gist of it is still as horrible as the minute details. The tortures they've endured, not only under the hands and tools of scientists who might be able to claim a reasonable interest in their unique abilities, but also in the court of the First Diamond herself, by her orders, by her words.. The suffering they've endured makes me sick, and furious, so, so furious.

When my thoughts linger on it, I can actually feel my mind grow heavy and dark. How dare they? How could anyone? But in truth, I know how easy it can be to be cruel when you just don't know better. I would have hoped, even so, that a _Diamond_ was as guilty of ignorance as her petty scientists.. But _I_ know better now, and I will never, ever let Phantom fall prey to their injustices again. I hope, I wish on every blinking star in the window that they never do get ahold of my partner again, but I also know that even if they do, I will not let them stay there for long. Homeworld will burn under my feet before I _allow_ them to suffer again.

What bothers me even more than these thoughts, is the realization that Phantom has been otherwise distant these past days. If I reach out, they pull back or decline. If I call to them, hoping to talk, they seem exhausted again. I'm trying to understand, but it's hard. I keep trying to remember that it's hard for them to talk at all, that it's asking a lot of them and that this distance is probably a necessity for them, so they're not overwhelmed. Still, I do struggle with it. I don't know if they know that, though. I can hardly see fit to talk about my own self when I know they're undergoing their own deep and likely painful introspection.

It is our third day of unbroken silence when the autopilot beeps out a warning, automatically slowing down the ship. After so long barely moving, we are quite suddenly poised and at attention.

'Warning', it says across the console, 'Ships in flight path. Reducing speed to diminish crash likelihood.'

"What?" Phantom says, first. We immediately look out the windshield, but there's nothing in visible range. There is a large asteroid belt some distance ahead and slightly below us, but otherwise there's nothing to be seen. On the map, however, a large array of dots are scattered just beyond the reach of the asteroid belt, and its reach is nearly as impressive. This is some sort of shipment, but it's a shipment of _gems_ rather than _goods_. It stretches far and wide, the number of ships likely in the hundreds. It's heading the same place as us, and for very similar reasons, but likely far worse intents..

"Damnation." Phantom growls. "How are we supposed to get around this?"

"I.. I have no idea. They'll see us coming, all those ships, all those eyes, so we can't just.. go around them. Surely their ships will sense ours, too, but at what range?"

"Well, they don't seem to be mobilizing _yet_. Do you think we can skirt it if we go far enough around?"

"Yeah, theoretically. I just.. Don't know how far above or below we'd have to go. And if Pyrope catches up to us, she'd probably be able to mobilize some scouts to find us, and then we're really stuck."

"What if we just dash around it as fast as we can, and keep going?"

"Well, if they notice us, they'll likely call ahead to the planets we've colonized in that direction that we're heading that way, and I suppose we could change directions but checking the map here…" I take a moment to scan through the map. "... there's not a lot of places we could try to go where they wouldn't predictably warn of our arrival or reach before the ship needs refueling. And there's also a strong chance that they'd only call ahead if we escaped their mobile troops, which I almost guarantee will be faster than ours. The last planet was older, so their models are all going to be older too, so all the ships Homeworld is sending to Earth will be newer, faster, stronger.."

"So we're trapped?"

"I.. no. Maybe not. Maybe we can.. find our way on one of these ships and.. either stowaway or steal one of those faster ships and get ourselves out as fast and discreetly as possible."

"So just a.. hastening of the original plan. Plus several thousand gem warriors." Phantom nods, a bitter tone in their voice. "There's no chance we can just.. shut off the engine and hide out in this ring, out-wait them?"

"If Pyrope shows up, they'll come looking for us, spread out in every direction. It's almost guaranteed they'd find us." I shake my head, a pit in my stomach. Phantom groans, putting their hands to their face, rubbing their eye and forehead.

"We're as good as captured." They moan.

"Don't say that! It's.. it's not going to be easy, whatever we do, but we can get through this. I don't know how, yet, but I know we can." I put a hand on their arm, trying to reinspire them, but they pull away. I shrink back.

"Alright, I'm thinking our best bet it to shoot nearly straight up or down relative to them and take a wide arc back on track, full speed, breakneck for as long as possible, and if someone comes after us, we fight them off or steal their ship. Whatever we have to do." They say, immediately correcting the ship's flight. I can't think of a better way or a reason to argue, so I say nothing. Soon, we're hurtling 'down', underneath the rampant path of ships. The map changes angles, and we can see the path of the ships 'above' us, gratefully none of which break away to follow or chase us. Phantom increases our speed as we start to move past them, having ducked so far beyond them, till the dots on the map are almost too distant to render, and I standby, ready to do whatever I need to.

"You asked for weapons on this ship, right? Do you know how to use them? Can you show me quickly?"

"Ah, yes. Here, this window activates it, it should pull up a new set of controls-" They say, hands flying through the commands, two sets of joysticks mechanically elevating from inside the control board. "- and somewhere on there, there's a button. I don't know what this ship has, but it's usually a sort of explosive.. fireball, or something."

"Alright."

"They fire out the front. If this ship were larger, it might have had turrets out the back, but I don't see any such control here or in the design." They continue, hardly pausing as I sit down, reading and searching through the ship's database faster than I'd have thought possible. "There's a screen on there for personal aiming, the captain's aims essentially straight ahead. Yours will be more versatile." In between the joysticks, there's a thin and flat panel. I flip it up, and it lights up, locking into place. I can see outside the ship, and moving it around I can adjust what I see. In the center there are crosshairs, which I assume are for aiming.

"Okay."

"Do you expect them to give chase soon, then?" I look up at them, but their focus is on the ship, on the controls, likely watching the map for pursuers.

"I don't know. I don't know what else to do in the time we have before they do but to try to.. plan ahead." I shrug. Phantom only nods, still not looking at me. "Phantom, are you okay?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be? We're already in another fight-or-die scenario." They say, bitterly.

"You're not acting like you normally do." I ignore the smart remark. It's likely a symptom of what's really bothering them.

"I'm _fine_." Their voice is biting, scathing.

"You're obviously not. And the attitude only makes it more apparent. Please, like you said, we're in another fight for our lives, or will be soon. We need to be.. in sync. And I'm worried." They sigh, brow furrowing.

"I am… not having a great time working through old memories. I know you thought it would help, but it's not. It's only making me more anxious about everything we've yet to face, and I've been trying to bury it all back down again so I can _function_ enough to _survive_. Pardon me if it's something of a private affair." Finally they turn to me, only the slightest bit, and only to deliver a glare. I don't shrink back this time, but I cannot hold their gaze. I blink and look down at my screen. "Is that a _satisfactory_ answer?"

"Yes. Sorry for.. bothering you." I shrug, shaking my head. I want to say something to lighten the mood again, something encouraging, how I'm here for them, how I'm sorry for being wrong, anything at all, but I can't think of anything to say that doesn't seem like it won't make their mood worse.

"It's _fine_. Just be prepared." They sigh again, turning back to the console. The ship goes quiet again after that, but it feels heavy and frightening. This is that dark edge of Phantom that I foolishly thought was behind us. Of course things will still be hard, of course things may not work out, of course, of course. I guess I just got too used to things.. working out, and gems aren't so easy as to just 'work themselves out', or else wouldn't Phantom have done it long ago, without me? I just tell myself it'll be alright as long as I stick with them. We'll work things out between us, come what may.

It's half an hour before anything moves on the map besides us, and, unfortunately, it's nothing short of a horde that mobilizes to give chase. They spread wide and thin in all directions, and it's another twenty minutes before a few lock onto our signal, and come racing after us.

I sit at the ready, my turrets aimed vaguely in the direction they'll be coming from. Phantom turns us over so that the bottom of our ship is pointed at our previous 'up', so we hopefully won't be blindsided. They say nothing as the enemy ships approach, and I grip the joysticks uncomfortably. I'm not even terribly familiar with my own weapon, let alone this foreign mechanism built outside my form. I also worry about the damage I might do to the other gems. Despite their ill will for us, I can't bring myself to be happy about their potential destruction or demise.. I want to survive, but is it really worth it if I have to end the lives of others, those gems who I am in theory also trying to help and free?

"Stop thinking like that." Phantom interrupts, somewhat gently. It's the first thing they've said today that isn't intoned like a vocal attack. "You'll do what you have to. We both will." I vaguely, spontaneously, remember back to the very start of this, however long ago it was, when Phantom suggested that we must try to prioritize our own survival, given that our intent is a better one than our enemies'. I remember feeling even that, that even if we were morally superior, that's not an excuse to choose who lives or dies. I still feel that way.

But Phantom is still right that they won't hesitate. There is no sympathy that we can reasonably expect. Gems like the Cassiterites will be the exception, not the rule, and we cannot rely on exceptions. I breathe a deep, steadying breath. If anyone does fall by my actions, I will only work that much harder to ensure that whatever future comes out of this is _worth it_. That something I do makes up for the loss. I will carry on in the names of the fallen. Every single one.

"Better." I hear Phantom mumble. I grate at the response, a little hurt that they're judging my very thoughts, rather than allowing me to tell them myself, to explain, especially since it's an imperfect gift. Didn't they say it was just a 'sense' of 'feelings' rather than direct thoughts? But there's no time to berate or comment or complain. I can see ships nearing on my screen now, visible not just as a blip on a map.

I steel myself and fire first. My shots echo, reverberate through the ship, a ball of plasma hurtling towards the engine of one of the lead ships. The belly explodes and the ship is overcome as the others fly past. I keep going, taking careful if quick aim to immobilize rather than obliterate their ships. Phantom does likewise while moving the ship, not that I can really track whose shots are whose when we're both firing as rapidly as the ship and our motions allow. They start to fire as well, and it becomes a game of intercepting their shots as well as their ships.

For what an impressively long but ultimately short amount of time, we manage not to get hit ourselves through a combination of Phantom's slick guiding control and both our sharp-shooting, but it comes to an end as a stray shot slips through our barrage and sends us awry, the ship spiraling out of Phantoms control momentarily. That's all the enemy needs to utterly surround us, their ships larger, sleeker. We knew we couldn't outrun or outfire them, but what else can we try at this point?

Phantom rights the ship, and dashes for an opening firing at the ships that try to block us, while I cover those to our sides. There's so many, though, and they're in every direction now. If only I was Phantom, I would shove them out of our way with my mind, but I can't. I'm a Sardonyx with little more than sharp hands and teeth and a rebellious nature.

"Take control of the ship!" Phantom commands, suddenly, their voice somehow out loud and in my head as well. Instinctively, I start to use my joysticks to guide the ship, surprisingly unsurprised when it does as I command. "Guide us forward, I'll clear a path." They say, their voice resounding in my mind like a deeply tolling bell. I shoot the ship forward, as commanded, unsure how I know how to do this. It feels right, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. Still, there's not much time to question it.

As we dart forward, enemy ships similarly dart to intercept us, but they are strangely, magically pulled out of the way. I can see through the corner of my eyes that Phantom is gesticulating, arms pumping as though physically guiding the enemies. My idea-!

I fall into a sort of alignment with the ship. The more I pilot it, the more familiar it feels, and I start to test it's abilities as well as my own. Soon, it's almost like we're dancing through the enemy fleet, Phantom directing them away from us and into each other. We flip, spiral, spin, and glide through and around them, and I cannot help but let out a laugh, knowing that this is me, my ability, my contribution.

But the dance comes to an end as our 'partners' become still in the space around us, and we have the opportunity to run to safety. Phantom resumes control of the ship, something I begrudgingly accept, taking us away. I watch behind us for any surprises, but there is only a field of motionless ships in our immediate area. A second and third barrage of ships are approaching, but they're coming from farther out, only visible on the map. It'll take some time before they reach us, but now we know how to deal with them, and hopefully some of them will stop to rescue their comrades. A bit of guilt claws at my stomach, and I hope that no one was seriously injured, that is, that no one's gem was affected.

Phantom is quiet again, though the mood seems less tense now that we've managed to survive our first round of space-battle.

"So.. that wasn't so bad." I say. Phantom just shoots me a look, grimacing. "Well, it wasn't. I think we did really good just now." They shake their head, annoyed. "What is the problem? Did I do something?"

"No. I'm just trying to focus on continuing to not die. You're having too much fun for something that our survival is staked on."

"I- I'm trying to make the most of the situation. I mean- it's hard and it's horrible but-"

"There are no 'buts'! It's hard and it's horrible and that's it! If you would kindly just _focus_ , we've got _incoming_. I'm going to push them back, so take control again." And then, just like that, my hands are the ones guiding the ship, and Phantom is facing out the rear windows, hand out, mind distant. I huff as I keep the ship steady, hurt by their attitude and the ease with which they command me. I don't mind being told what to do- it's the tone they're taking, demanding, expectant nature of it. I focus on moving forward, and say nothing. "I think I can give the ship a bit of a boost. Focus on trying to find someplace to land and hide- I want to turn the ship completely off."

"Won't that leave us open to attack if they find us anyway?" I don't mean to sound snippy or contradictory for the sake of it, but my irritation at their commanding tone refuses to go unheard.

"Just _do it_." They bark, and I feel the ship lurch with extra kinetic energy, so I just scowl and do as I've been told. The dots on the map grow distant, and I start to realistically examine the planetoids and asteroids we're passing, until one with a decent sized crevice appears to our 'right'. I slow the ship and head for it, but I feel Phantom's telekinesis overpower my motions, landing the ship for me. As soon as we're touched down, they spin around, cutting off the engine and powering down all of its functions. Everything goes dark- the board, the lights, the asteroid outside, and with the engine completely off, the deep quiet of empty space seems to swallow us whole.

"Alright, so now what?"

"I'm watching for them. We've disappeared off their maps, and they're still recovering from the unexpected braking I did for them. The ones that can move again are spreading out, and ships further back are starting to spread out as well." Phantom narrates.

"Okay."

"I'm hoping they just give up. We appear to have simply stopped existing, and they don't know where we could possibly be."

"They'll start scanning for gem signatures, then."

"How accurate are they?"

"Generally, I believe they can only detect energy signatures within a half a kilometer, and it's not necessarily pinpoint accurate on a map."

"I think I can cloak the asteroid so that they can't see it, and won't be able to decide to scan it. There are no other bodies near ours, either." They say, somewhat unrelated. I'm sure _glad_ they've thought all this out without me. Like when we practiced before, I feel the veil of forced perception fall around us, but it has no effect on me. Ship, Phantom, and asteroid remain visible to me, but I can feel a kind of weight around it all that says 'nothing here'. "Now, if I can just hold it until they pass and give up." Phantom says, slightly strained.

"How long do you think that'll be?" I ask, concerned. While they _seem_ recovered from their magical exertions previous, I in truth don't know the extent of their abilities when cloaking something this large, and though they have been inconsiderate in this endeavor, I am still worried for them.

"I don't know, but it would behoove you to be quiet so that I can concentrate on us getting out of this alive." The biting tone is back, accusatory. I feel myself scowl, and they return the expression, a touch of sneer to their look. I want to talk back, to explain, to question, but I know it would be a conflict of interests. We want to live, after all, as Phantom keeps pointing out. "And for pity's sake, stop thinking so _loudly_ , Sardonyx."

"OKAY, that's enough!" I explode, leaping from my seat, hands raised. "'Do this, do that!' is getting old, Phantom! I'm your partner and a person, not a voice-activated machine!"

"Sardonyx, be quiet!"

"No! You've been rude this whole time! I get you need space or silence or whatever but you seem to be forgetting that we need to talk to each other, too!"

"Not right now! We can talk about this later, when our existence is not being threatened!"

"When will that be, Phantom? Tomorrow? The next day? When we get to Earth?! Our whole lives from here on is 'being threatened', and it doesn't mean we can't communicate! If anything, it necessitates it a whole lot more!" I scream, fists clenched.

" _Shut up_!" Phantom screams back, the ship rumbling.

"No!" I stomp a foot, glaring up at Phantom, whose face is curled in a snarl back down at me. "You're allowed to get angry at me, but you need to at least tell me why!"

"Maybe I'm angry because this whole adventure is a fruitless farce of effort that's going to get us _killed_! Maybe I'm angry because the partner, the person I've pinned my own existence on, is a loudmouthed, messy-headed, _fool of a clod_ who's going to get us both _shattered_ without having ever accomplished _anything!_ " I pull back then, horrified at their words that sting more than a physical blow could, as the rumbling culminates in a forceful release of the cloak, shaking loose the veil that kept us hidden, in fact releasing a large flash of light. Phantom and I both look around, and we can see the ships turning to head towards us.

"Now look what you've done!" Phantom yells violently.

"Me?! I'm not the one who's shouting and blaming their partner for trying to help them!"

"Oh, you're trying to _help_? See, I thought you were _trying_ to do the _opposite,_ and you were doing _such_ a good job!" They sneer, hastily bringing the ship back to life. I bare my teeth, furious. How dare they?! As furious as I am, though, I don't get to say anything as they wrench the ship from the asteroid, knocking me off my feet. "Get over here and get ready to fight again." Phantom snarls over their shoulder at me. I growl at them, though, before rising to my feet.

Before I can take my seat, we're hit with a shower of blasts that rocks the ship and send me to my knees. The eclipse-shaped dome of a window above us cracks and shatters, the void of space stealing in around us. I am once more shocked with how cold and horrible it feels, but I force myself to focus on not being stolen from the ship, hands miraculously weaponized and dug into the flooring. I look up to see Phantom pressed tight to their seat, safe.

The momentary relief with the knowledge of their safety almost instantly disappears and is replaced with anger at their previous actions. "Sardonyx!" They yell for me, but it's the commanding, expectant tone. I can see the ships around us preparing to take aim, so I decide to do something stupid.

Not even bothering to rise from the floor, I crouch low and leap, as hard as I possibly can, up through the emptiness towards one of the ships. I crash, hard, into the belly of ship, and I waste no time in tearing at the turret, the ball of energy that was forming deep inside being trapped as I warp the tube that would have sent it barreling into our ship. I leap to the next ship as the turret explodes, the ship bumbling up and away from the force. I repeat this, leaping from ship to ship, mutilating and destroying in whatever ways I possibly can.

And I feel it- the dance-like state of mind that keeps overcoming me, first on the planet against Luna Agate's forces, and then again just moments ago when I was directing the ship. It seems to come meet me here, but it's much different this time. Rather than a happenstance discovery of flow and grace, I am a being of melodious fury, destruction every bit a part of the music of the moment as the leaps and twists and twirls are. And what destruction I wreak! They are helpless against me, these ships! Their allies cannot take aim for my form without risking a miss and destroying the ships worse than I can, and they cannot defend themselves for the same reason! In this moment, I am _ruin_.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Met and Matched: Crossroads

 _Sardonyx:_

Like many moments, though, my time as the ruinous destroyer of my enemies comes to an end. They realise they cannot match me in their lofty ships, so they deploy soldiers to meet me. Of course, I hardly blink at them at first. I still feel the rhythm and flow that seems like a kind of perfection, and I meet their advances.

I'd like to boast that I hold my own against them as well as I did against the ships, but, while I do hold out for several moments, trading blows almost equally, I eventually find myself more on the defensive than the offensive, and I find myself retreating from more than meeting foes. Nevertheless I continue on, never giving in, never allowing myself to despair, even when the dodges are close and the blows are parried.

My fall comes perhaps a little too literally: I trip over some piece of ship, and before I can catch myself or retaliate, I am swarmed with enemies. I think that I am done for, but before a single one can strike me, they're tossed by an unseen force away from me. I rise to my feet, and see that all the ships are destroyed, and no enemies are near enough to attack.

I step back, afraid, as one of the hulking enemy ships comes looming close to me, but I hear Phantom's voice in my mind as a side door opens: " _Get in, you blasted fool._ " I growl at the words, but I jump in anyway, and the ship takes off almost instantly. Clearing my head, adjusting to the the pressurized inside, I make my way to the front of the ship. Phantom is indeed at the helm, and they turn to scowl at me as I approach.

"Thanks for _abandoning me_ back there." This is the first thing they say aloud.

"Hey, we were being attacked! I did what I thought I could do to help! Our other ship was wrecked and we could dodge or block those shots otherwise!"

"Yes, great! Except you didn't tell me before you jumped off to wreak havoc! I thought you were coming to help me, but no! You were _gone_!" They toss their hands in the air, demonstrating my apparent disappearance.

"So now you know how it's felt all today! You've been making decisions without consulting me this whole time!"

"Only because it's what needed to be done! Do you really think we had time to have a lengthy conversation to discuss anything?"

"So you get to use that excuse, but I don't?" I cock my head to the side, irate.

"It's not an excuse! It's the way it was!" They slam a hand on the console, standing.

"And it was exactly the same in my situation, too! You can't have double standards like that, Phantom!"

"I don't have 'double standards'!" They sneer, putting quotations around their words with their hands. "I only have one standard: survival!"

"More like one standard: you make all the decisions!"

"Well, it's not like _you_ can! You can hardly remember a damn thing, Sardonyx! You're essentially useless without instruction!"

"I am not! I didn't hear you telling me to destroy the enemies' weapons, but I certainly seem to have done just that!"

"Oh, yes, and got the ship with all our records and files destroyed in the process! While you were having a jolly old time rendering foreign weaponry into makeshift bombs, I had to abandon _our_ ship and steal another one, which was not an easy or simple thing to do alone, _by the way_. So now we've got a new ship, with none of that precious data we've been trying to hold on to, with no weapons, since _you_ saw fit to demolish absolutely every ship's turrets, and practically no defenses! Congratulation, you did _so much_ of your own volition!" Phantom claps, mocking me. My scowl deepens and I feel a deep desire to simply scream at them. Instead, the ship sputters and slows, no longer producing kinetic energy, rather, coasting. "Oh, and our engine is damaged. A certain rogue Sardonyx _brat_ tore up half the ship, did you know?" They smile almost innocently at me, a cruel gesture, before turning on a heel and walking away.

"And where could you _possibly_ be going?" I ask, unable to formulate anything better.

"I don't know, _possibly_ to see if I can even make repairs?" They shrug, throwing their arms out in an overexaggerated questioning gesture. I growl and follow them. What else can I do? I could sit inside and pout and moan to myself, but I'm sure they'll only come back to make more scathing remarks about how useless I am. I follow them back out they way I came in, surprised when there's still gravity on the outside. I assume Phantom must have done this, or that it's an automatic feature of the ship, especially since earlier I had no problem walking on the outsides of the enemy ships as well. How did I not notice it earlier?

Phantom is crouched over a huge dent in the hull, mumbling obscenities and thinking out loud. I feel guilty, really guilty, now, for the damage I caused. It's true that I was trying to help, but it's also true that I probably could have done it all a bit.. better. And while I still don't think that excuses Phantom's behavior before or after, I recognize that one of us needs to apologize first, and at this rate, it won't be my partner. I sigh, and come sit by them as they peel up the dented panel to look inside.

We observe the messy inner workings of the ship, and I've no clue about Phantom, but it's completely impossible to understand for me. Nothing looks jarred or out of place or broken, just still.

"It _looks_ like the engine just stopped, like when Pyrope rammed us. I can't tell if anything further in is more or less functional, otherwise." Phantom sighs, a hand pressed into their eye.

"Hey, I'm.. I'm sorry for all this. This mess. I genuinely thought it would be more helpful for me to disarm the ships but I, you were right, I could've told you. I didn't know it would turn out like this." I apologize, gently, genuinely. Phantom is still for a moment, then rises, sighing again. "Phantom?"

"I don't understand you." They say, hand dropping from their face to their shoulder, looking at me curiously. I mean this in the sense that the look is, itself, curious, not that they seem curious about looking at me. It's a mixture of anxiety and regret and anger, but I cannot name this. I don't understand it.

"Pardon?" Is all I can manage to say.

"For someone so bent on 'helping gems live better lives', you seem quite intent on making _mine_ more difficult." My chest tightens in response- a reflex of nerves, I think.

"Phantom, I-"

"No, listen!" They say forcefully. "These past several days, all I can think about is how you were correct the first time- I've been doing all this to satisfy your dream, even tricking myself into thinking it's my own. But it isn't, and I'm tired of all this! Of you!" They walk around the ship a small ways, but I walk after them, hanging back a few steps anyway.

"What are you saying?"

"I hate this. I hate the running, the fighting, the constant stress of it- I hate the memories and the talking and the enormous _effort_ it takes to even be near you. I hate being here, I hate being with you, I hate-" They cough, suddenly, short, once, and it turns into a spiteful laugh. "I hate _you_." I blink, something in me.. breaking. I feel broken, more than I ever have before, but I don't know why. "I hate you." Phantom turns to me, smiling incredulously, like this is a marvelous discovery, even if it is about something horrible. "You are, without a doubt, the _worst_ thing that's ever happened to me."

"If you really feel that way," I start after a moment of unbearable quiet and thought, ", then leave. Or I will." My voice shakes. I don't really want to part, don't really want them to leave, but what else can I do?

"Is that a challenge? Do you think you can trick me into staying? Into being your helpful little 'partner' again?"

"No! If you genuinely, truly hate everything we've done and been through together, leave! Or I will." I feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I bite into my lip to try to stop them from going any further. "You have to do what you have to do for yourself- I _get it_." And I do, but I hate it all the same.

"I don't think you do, Sardonyx. You landed on the only place of safety I ever found, brought a horde of gems upon me, then swept me away in a high dangerous crusade to some, some _forsaken_ planet to fight in a literal _war_ , and I honestly _cannot_ understand why I've gone along with it for so long! This is dangerous and unrewarding and I take back everything good I ever thought about it _and_ you! And furthermore, if you were to spontaneously disappear right now before my eye, I would be _perfectly fine with it_." They deliver this all with a snarl, taking steps toward me aggressively, looming. I am intimidated, but not afraid. I'm hurt, but I can do nothing to stop or change this. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but the ship rattles with unexpected energy. I fall to my knees, throwing my hands over my head, but the shots cease almost immediately.

I hear Phantom cry out, a thunk against the hull, and then another cry. I look up to see Phantom being torn away from the ship by an incredibly long, metallic rope, akin to Pyrope's, but longer, and leading to a ship rather than a handheld machine. Phantom claws at the thing attached to their face and I start to reach out, even if it's useless- they're two dozen meters away already- but I can barely register it happening before I'm being bombarded again. These projectiles are not burst of fire or beams of energy, but small and hard objects, but I decide it's best not to let myself get hit with them anyway. I dash for the entryway, ducking inside, feeling as though I was narrowly missed on all accounts.

Instinctively, just like before, but alone now, I take command of the ship, and it reacts as I wish, coming fiercely to life under my hands. Almost the instant I want it, it and I are darting away, faster than before. I don't understand, but I don't question it. I just run, and let it run.

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

I land hard on my back, gravity returned to me on the inside of the ship. The enemy ship. I roll to my feet, but this thing on my gem makes it hard. Somehow it seems to weigh me down, making basic movement extremely difficult. I pry at it with my hands, but the soft, almost gooey material fails to respond to my attempts. I wobble, feeling disconnected from myself.

"Well, looks like we got it." A familiar, nagging voice appears to the side, accompanied by murmurs of agreement from less familiar ones. I turn, too fast, and fall. Even my vision is.. corrupted by this thing. Not just that it's in my line of vision, which it is, a shadow across the right side of my eye, but also that nothing comes into focus, nothing is clear. I see a double shadow of orange-red, presumably Pyrope, followed by greens- Peridots. I try to back away, but my limbs seem less and less like they belong to me.

"What-" I try to ask what the blazes they've done to me, but I can't speak, my mouth as dizzy as the rest of me. The orange-red shadow approaches, bending over me.

"Did you think you were the only gem with psychic abilities? Did you think we didn't have ways of restraining them, too?" The voice of Pyrope is snide, victorious. "I bet you're wondering what's gonna happen now, huh? Hehehe, these lovely Peridots are going to continue where their predecessors left off thirteen thousand years ago. By the way, I simply _cannot_ believe you've been alive that long. I'd have thought something divergent like you would've fallen apart a long time ago.

Anyway, we've got lots more questions we think your sorry, disgusting gem can answer. They're going to have some fun with it, too, don't worry." I can imagine. Images of memories slam to the forefront of my mind, images I'd not too long ago run through with Sardonyx, that I've been trying to push away again. Ah, Sardonyx, where is she? I can't see her anywhere. I reach, but I cannot feel her.

"Are you looking for your comrade? Why bother? After that _brutal_ smack down you gave her, why in all the worlds would she help you? Why would she come back for you? I mean, it's true we wanted to nab her as well, so it would be a _lot_ easier to get her if she came back, but she zoomed away, first chance she got. Looks like she engaged the hyperdrive, too, so it'll be a long time before we find her. But don't worry, we will. And we'll even spare you the pain of seeing her again! You'll be broken up and turned into something useful _long_ before she's captured." Her double shadow reaches out, pats my head demeaningly. Even these exceedingly gentle pats send palpable ripples through my form, making the dizziness worse than ever. I can no longer support myself, and I slide to my back, reeling from both the terrible effect of this thing on my face and the realization of what I've done.

What have I done? Was I really so cruel? How could I.. how could I say those things and send her away? I don't mean them, I didn't mean them, I- I was scared and it turned to anger and I didn't stop myself. Why didn't I stop myself? How could I forget the good things that've come from her as well?

Horrible. I'm horrible.

All I can think, as the Peridots drag me away to some cell, the Pyrope's cruelly delighted smile visible even through my unfocused eye, is that I've destroyed the only good thing I've ever known, and hurt the most important person I could ever know. I'll never see her again, I'll never be able to apologize, I'll never make up for this horrible thing I've done. I don't understand myself. I don't understand how I could have done this, and yet I know exactly how. Something in me is- not broken, as _she_ so ardently argued- but certainly damaged, assuredly needing fixing. Nothing but my own selfish nature made me yell and scream and blame. Now I am alone, perhaps more than I ever have been before, and I cannot and should not expect any assistance. Not from her, not from these gems whose job it is to tear me apart, not from anyone, ever again. I deserve it, I think, for being so cruel. I go willingly to these tortures, then, but even this suffering will never make right the damage I've done. Horrible, horrible old Phantom Fluorite.

This world of darkness and suffering is where I belong, if I can so easily hurt the only gem who ever showed me kindness.

 _Sardonyx:_

It takes me quite a while to realize I'm not being followed. When I do, I slow the ship down, deeply concerned. It's not that I _want_ to be followed, hunted, chased, but if they aren't, what does that mean? I think over what just happened, the events already turning hazy and unrefined.

We escaped, we argued, we-

We got separated.

They pulled Phantom away from me, and my first instinct was to run away. Oh my stars, oh my stars. No, no, how could I do this? My partner, my comrade, my-

No, not my partner. They said they hate me, didn't they? They essentially told me they never wanted to see me again. And now we're separated, just like they wanted. Well, not at all like they wanted, I'm sure. They were _taken_ , and now they're in the heart of a terrible place, with who knows what being done to them.

I feel sorrow for the pain they're undoubtedly about to, or are already enduring. I don't remember the details of their history, but I remember it's horrible, and there are only so many ways you can cause another gem pain without disassembling their form. Poor Phantom..

So what am I to do, then? I could scurry off to Earth, with this new ship that can go so incredibly fast, almost warping, and join the war and help others and live my dream, but at the cost of Phantom Fluorite. Homeworld won't let them live for long. If I go, it is only by paying a heavy toll, another person, another gem, Phantom.

But if I go back, there's no guarantee I'll find them, no guarantee I'll manage to save them, or escape with them. There's next to no hope of survival if I go back for them, for either of us. It sickens me to think of it, but they may already be gone. How long and how far have I gone from the fleet? I don't know, can't tell.

But I feel worse imagining myself shooting into the stars without so much as a glance. Yes, I'm more likely to live and make it to Earth in a mere month, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. My hands shake on the joysticks, and I feel tears welling up again. I don't even try to stop them, though. There's no one here to judge or belittle me for them besides myself.

I can't leave them behind. Even if I only end up tossing myself to the fire as well, I cannot move on without Phantom. I have to try. I'm scared, terrified. I'm only one gem, and I'll be against literal thousands to try to rescue a single other gem. But they're.. they're mine, in a way, aren't they? _My_ comrade, _my_ partner. I don't own them, never ever, but in a sense, they belong to me, _with_ me. At least, more than to the cruel, uncaring gems of Homeworld loyalty.

And if, by some miracle, I find and save Phantom and they _still_ do not want to travel with me, that's fine. I promised _myself_ , didn't I, that I would never leave them to be tortured. I made a promise on my own honor, on my own pride, that I wouldn't abandon them. Even if I mean so little to Phantom that they can easily leave me, they mean so much to me that I will not leave them. Not like this.

Sure now, determined to do my best, I turn the ship around. I'm coming for you, Phantom. I'm on my way.

 _Phantom Fluorite: F.13 C.7 R.3_

I cough as sensation returns to my form, this round of electrocution done. For the moment. I breath heavily if only to remind myself that I'm still alive, still have a body, still have more to endure before it's over.

"Interesting effect." One Peridot says to her peers, from behind a clear wall, made of something more than glass. The way it shimmers is surely a sort of magic, or technology, or maybe both. To me, she says: "Try to push the ball with your mind." I sit, on my knees. They want to see how much I can do, even with this 'limiter' on. I can, instinctively, feel some control over my environment, but it's weak, distant, impossible. She says nothing, as I remain still, but hits a button on the wall screen, and my form is laced with a higher voltage of electricity than before. I can't even scream as it forces me frozen, the light that composes my form swarming behind the field that contains it. It's agony to have your form writhe unnaturally beyond your control. She releases the button.

"Try to push the ball." She repeats. I rock, unstable. I see her move to press the button again, but I throw up a hand. She drops hers, waiting expectantly. Her peers take notes silently. I close my eye and reach out with my mind, feeling the form of the ball across the room. It's hard, the sensation.. fuzzy.. but I feel it. Hand open wide, arm stretched straight, I try to push it from its pedestal. At first, my exertion is too little to effect it, but it sort of builds on itself, until at last it falls from its perch. I am so tired, immediately. Forcing myself through this.. limiter is so much more draining than anything I've ever tried to do before, and I once managed to knock a small planet from its orbit.

How low I have fallen.. Performing for a small gaggle of scientists as a sort of precursor to my ultimate finale.

"Now, try to stand up." The Peridot says, and I feel the limiter become heavier. They've done this several times already. Each time, my form feels more distant, more foreign, and my mind is less able to affect the world around me. I thought I was dizzy before, but this, this is like trying to dance on light, or capture sound with my hands. I must take too long, trying to stand, because she electrocutes me again.

The one good thing about the limiter is that it lessens the pain of the.. disassociation the electricity causes. But it does mean that the Peridot ups the voltage each time, so that it does still hurt, of course, but I am grateful for whatever buffer I can get.

"Stand, Fluorite." She commands when I can hear her again, the electricity gone again. My body feels like it's spinning, but I force myself up. I crash into the wall, but I remain upright. A leftover sensation of buzzing is coursing through me, making the dizziness both better and worse. It provides a sense of accuracy to how my form is moving, but coupled with the sensation of spinning, I can barely control myself. "Good. Now, again."

 _Sardonyx:_

I am grateful to find that the ship that took Phantom has not yet returned to the fleet, so that I recognize it. It means that I'll spend a little less time looking for them. The search is now limited to a single ship, rather than two hundred. I still need to search the entire ship, though.

As I approach, incredibly and dangerously fast, I decide that the best course of action is to just destroy as much as possible until I find them. Maybe I can scare them into letting them go. Maybe. Either way, they'll regret whatever they've done. I will make them pay.

I only mildly slow the ship as I near the front end, aiming for the controls, and use the force to ram myself through the reinforced front window. As we break through, the suction of space threatens to take us back out again, but I throw myself from the cockpit, and hold desperately to the floor as emergency shields engage, cutting off the void. I don't hesitate.

I throw myself at the first gem I see, hand raking through their form like they're no more than air, and then the next and the next. Six gems' forms are lost before someone thinks to fight back, but I feel clear and calm and in control, and they fall easily as well. A hulking quartz- likely an Amethyst- swings their war hammer at me, but I find it easy to dodge, to leap just out from under it, such that it becomes a tool of destruction on _my_ side. The room is thoroughly destroyed, all semblance of control lost, before I see fit to poof them as well. Everything is sparking or on fire, claw marks up and down walls and seats and floor.

I growl, running clawed hands through the walls as I leave. They'll have to send better if they want to catch me.

Like before, I feel alight with a sort of physical clarity. And, like before, it is a gift of rage that makes it so easy to tear through gem after gem, room after room. I can handle _anything_ , and it's because of my fury. I am delighted when more than a few gems see my approach and quail and falter at the sight of me. The burning front half of the ship must certainly help. Alarms blaring and rooms burning, I work my way through the ship, a conquest of ruin, wreckage, and rage.

Eventually, I am no longer approached by any new gems, and I cannot find any as I continue down halls and passages. I still destroy what I can as I go, but there's no longer any sense of threat. Have I taken down every able warrior in the ship? Surely there are more gems for me to confront? But no one comes forward, if there are any at all.

I growl again. "This can all end! Just give me Phantom Fluorite!" I roar, but the only response is a cackling of fire and the echo of my own voice. "All I want is Phantom! Return them to me, and this rampage is as good as done!" Still, silence. "If you don't, I _will_ tear this ship to ribbons, and I will leave _no one standing_ to tell about it!" A beep comes from above me, followed by a small amount of static. An intercom?

"Why do you want them so badly?" I think it's a Peridot.

"They're my partner! What reason do I need beyond that?"

"They abandoned you. You mean very little to them." That stings, but I continue down the hall, getting a feeling that I'm close.

"Even if that's true, they mean enough to me that I had to come back. I can't abandon them. I won't."

"Then, they are your weakness." A statement, but questioning. This is a kind of experiment, a _game_ to them.

"Maybe. But look what I've done to your ship for that 'weakness'. Do you think that perhaps our interactions are also a strength?"

"No." The voice over the intercom states, then goes dead silent. I growl, prepared to start rampaging properly again, but a door up ahead opens, and out stumbles Phantom, a dark blue-black mass attached to their gem. They are unsteady, their body seeming to move far too slowly.

"Phantom!" I cry, and race to catch them. They fall clumsily into my arms, one of which I de-weaponize to hold them steady. They shake, violently, and they feel cold. I don't understand, what have they done. "Phantom, what's wrong? What did they do?" Am I crying? My voice seems choked, hushed.

"C-c-can't hear- er- n-no s-s-si-sight-t-t.." They say, though it hardly seems like their voice. It's warped and dry and _wrong_. One of their hands drifts up to the mass that's over their gem, but they move like there's no articulation in their fingers or hand, everything a straight line and stiff. Did this.. thing on their face do this to them? Stars help me..

"Don't worry, I'll get you out of here. I'm here now. You're safe, I'll get this horrible thing off and we'll run away again and I promise this will never happen again." I sob, feeling small and frail and guilty. I hesitated coming back to them, that's what allowed this to happen. I did this, I did this!

Phantom's hands brush my face, smearing tears. Though their eye is sightless, looking straight ahead, I see recognition bloom behind the still iris. "S-sard-d-onyx?"

"I'm here." I say, my unarmed hand clutching their back.

"Not for long." Pyrope, appearing down the hallway behind me, says. I whip around, but my weaponized hand is around the other side of Phantom, and I have no time to retaliate as she tackles me. Snarling, we tumble over each other, but I can hardly focus on the fight of it as I struggle to get back to Phantom. I need to protect them, not tussle with this whining jerk! But she puts up a better fight than last time, or maybe I'm just out of it, because I can't seem to break away from her.

I let rage consume me as she drives me away from Phantom. My mind is blank, open and ready. I need to get back to Phantom. I will not leave them alone again.


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Together

 _Phantom Fluorite:_

I want to scream as she's torn away from me, my clumsy, stiff, blind, and dumb hands useless and unable to hold onto her, but my voice cracks and dies and she disappears from my limited world. I cannot see her, cannot feel her, cannot hear her. She came back for me and already I have lost her! Damn it, _damn it_!

I can feel very little of my own body, and nothing of anything beyond that. Even my mind is severely inhibited, my thoughts coming slow to me, but here, trapped within myself, I can feel more clearly than ever my emotions. So many that I have tried to kill or trap that have refused to die, and many more that I did not know I had until recent times. But one, one familiar and old and trusted, overtakes them all.

Anger. I burn against the injustices dealt to me, both in my early existence and now. How dare they do this to me, to _us_? The torture and the torment, how I rage at it all. How dare the universe finally deliver me an ally only to repeatedly try to take her from me? They take and they take and they take. What I wouldn't give to do a bit of taking myself.. The heat of this anger seems to claim me physically, and I tremble as I feel it burn through the very thing that forced me here.

"Give her back." I force out through gritted teeth. A faint sense of sight returns to me, and I see fire all around but this is still nothing next to what is inside of me. "Give her back." I say louder, more clearly, more myself. The limiter bubbles and jiggles, and I like to think that it's writhing, just a bit. Still: "Give her back!" I stand, and I can feel the exactness first of myself, then the hall, then the ship, and she's not that far away but it's nevertheless far too far for my liking. The ship rumbles, warping around me. This is my power, this is me, but it's not enough. The limiter expands, outwards, thin and weak and useless. Then, it explodes, strips of it falling away, melting.

" _She's mine._ " I say, and though it is the quietest sound I've ever made, it somehow pervades every inch of the ship, and I feel the gem attacking her fall, afraid, tiny against my power. I can feel them all, hiding away, terrified and angry, but what have they to be angry about? This is their own doing, having done this to us. I wrench the metal of the ship open so that it's a straight path to Sardonyx, who stumbles, unsure of what's happening. She turns, sees me, amazed, dazed, and confused, but happy. She comes running, and I pull her to me.

We clash, spinning awkwardly on my lanky legs and dizzy feet, pressed tight to each other in a desperate embrace. I fight myself to lessen the sheer pressure I exude on the ship around us; I need to tell her something, and I can say nothing if the ship collapses around us.

"Phantom, you're okay!" She cries first, prying her face from my shoulder.

"You came back." I find myself crying, albeit more gently, as well.

"Of course. I promised I'd never let Homeworld hurt you again. But I understand if.. if you still want to go separate ways-" I can feel her mind darken, sorrowful. I can't stand it, I-

"No! I was wrong- I was angry but I was cruel and I should not have been and I am so, so sorry!" I hold her tighter, sinking just a bit, then to our knees on the floor. "I'm sorry. I don't want to leave- I was stressed but it's not fair to you but if you- if you don't mind I do want to keep going with you-"

"Yes!"

"-and I will do everything to make it up to you for being so cruel." The pressure in my gem threatens to pulse outward, destroying the ship, but I contain it. I'm so angry at myself for all of this hurting her, it's nearly impossible to hold onto. "I said- I said I don't care but I lied. In truth, I do. I do care, I care _so much_ that it frightens me, but I will never, ever let that be something I hurt you with again."

"I understand." She whispers. "I'm scared, too, of everything, sometimes. But I, we-" And she stops there, only holding me tighter in turn, but I understand. We're all we've got, and we are better together. We- we _belong_ together. I close my eye and I feel almost as though I melt into her, a feeling of small euphoria overcoming me.

When I open my eye- eyes- eyes again I am bigger-longer-wider-thinner-new-not-me-us. Where are you where is she-them-us? I-us-we stand, wobble, our-my-our head hitting the ceiling of the hallway. What happened? I-us-we don't understand?

Their-her-our hands come into view. Four? We-they flex, and I'm-she's-we're surprised when they obey. This is- us?

We are together, a single thing rather than two. It's jarring- we don't understand, and that's scary but we're not scared. A concept floats through our mind.

Fusion?

But different gems we were-are, how can two gems become one if they're not the same? We're too long, too tall, and there's too many parts- arms? We-she rails in confusion, we-they do not understand. Our hands fall on our gem- gems. We're a monster. Stars-blazes-waste-dust. How is this possible? We-they want to stop together, but we-she wants to stay together. Danger- escape to safety first. Look, Pyrope over there. Fear, runs. Safe, together, danger apart. Yes. Together. Escape as together.

Ship is falling apart, weak from our-her rampage and our-their mind bending. Tear through floors, reach the ship bay. Which ship to take? Doesn't matter, pick one, it's perfect, run. Easier-harder than we remember, we're bigger-taller-more-limbs, but it works. Run run run, destination doesn't matter pick a planet get there use the hyperdrive it's fast it's so fast we didn't know it had a name here we go run, safety.

No one follows us but we wait until we land on the planet. We stumble outside, too many arms and confusing legs with bad control. We fall and we fall apart forms are separate-

I sit upright, my mind my own again. I feel up and down my form, which is also just my own again. Heavens, what was that? I try to think to Sardonyx, but I remember we're apart- Blazes, this is so confusing!

"S-Sardonyx?" I blink, forcing myself to talk aloud. It takes me a moment to recognize her- everything seems so much more dim than it did just a moment ago- but there's something wrong. Her body, rather than being just that, is a soft orange light, none of her features distinguishable. She looks up, vague eye shapes honing in on me.

"I can't remember." Her voice calls out from no mouth, the sound of it more like three of her talking almost in unison. "What am I like? What am I?" Her form bubbles and twists, those uncannily warped eyes screwing shut. Oh stars- is she, is she in pain? Is that how badly her memory works? She can't even remember her own shape? I hurry over to her, unsure how to help. Her form buckles under my hands, placed where I think her shoulders should be. Her gem glows, hot, strained. I place my gem to hers and think think think about everything. This is you, I try to tell her in that strange, wordless way that was instinct just a moment ago. This is what you look like. This is you.

And, slowly, her form stiffens, relaxes, calms into shape. Like one of my sculptures slowly becoming known from a formless hunk of rock, her features become, rising or sinking into place. Finally, the light fades, and it's just her.

"I'm.. I'm here." She says, and she is. She looks up, eyes the right size and shape, stationary. "I'm here."

"You're here." I nod, sighing, happy. Sardonyx smiles back, and I feel my soul weaken and falter. Tears spring to my single eye, but I dare not resist them. I let them fall.

"Phantom, what's wrong?"

"I was horrible. I can't- I can't believe I said those terrible things- to you! And I- I didn't mean them, but I _felt_ them, and that's just as bad. How could I do that? How can you forgive me? D-do you?" I pause. I'd assumed but- "You are not obliged to-" I pull my hands away from her shoulders but she catches my hands.

"I do! I.." She looks away, eyes pained. "It hurt. It hurt a lot, because I believed you when you said it. That you hated me and wouldn't care if I disappeared. It hurt because I don't feel that way at all. I care about you and.. the thought that you didn't at all.." She shakes her head. "I think something in me really did break, just a little bit. I'm not sure that it's healed, either, I just.."

"Then why did you come back? I didn't deserve you risking yourself for me, I didn't- don't deserve your assistance.." Surely she knows this, after how I treated her. Slowly, she looks up.

"Well, even if _you_ didn't care, I did. I do. And I remember, after you told me about how Homeworld treated you in your early days, I promised myself I would never let that happen again, because I care. I made that promise to myself, not you, and.. and I still think you don't deserve it. I don't think you deserve to be alone, and I couldn't leave you, for my own sake. A-and I'm sorry I came so late- I ran so far away and then I hesitated and I wish I hadn't. I'm so sorry for whatever they did to you-"

"No no no, don't blame yourself for that- it- it was-" I can't lie, but I can't bear to tell her the truth either. Not now, so soon. "I deserved it, anyhow. For treating you-"

"No! I- you were not kind but I don't believe that ever makes it acceptable to literally torture someone." She states firmly, adamant. The fire in her eyes and in her mind baffles me again.

"I still- I can hardly believe you came back for me. Heavens, you could have been captured, could've been- _worse_ \- and for _me_?"

"It's _because_ I care about you! I did it for you, for me. I know you don't know how to believe that but- but it's true! I wish you could see. You are my- my-" She shakes her head, and hugs me. It catches me off-guard, but I don't resist. "I don't have words for how much I care about you. I didn't know it was possible to care this much, about anything. And it only goes on and on, more and more.."

"I understand. I don't- I won't- I will- agh." I stop, breathe, and start again. "I'll try to remember that. And- and I know I said the opposite, earlier, but I _do_ care. It boggles me how much. It scares me. But it's better than the alternative by far. I care, and I want to care.. I don't want to be _un_ caring, not toward you, not toward anyone.." We're quiet for a moment, both of us thinking our own things.

"You know, it's kind of funny. I mean, it's not funny at all, but it's.. curious. As much as I want to forget what you said and move on like it never happened, I can't. I keep closing my eyes and I hear it and it hurts again. It's exactness- y-your exactness. The shrills, the volume, the surety.. And it hurts, so much, and I _still_ understand why you said all that. And I wouldn't blame you if you _did_ feel that way, if you _do_ still want to move on alone, but it hurts." Tears threaten me again, but this time, I do fight them. I need to speak. I take a moment to collect myself.

"I am.. I am so sorry. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could make you forget. I don't want to be that me. I don't want to be like them. I want to stay, if you'll have me. I will apologize for the rest of our lives but it will never lessen the shame of it, but I do still want to stay."

"Then stay. Just.. promise you'll talk to me more. I get it if you need quiet, I get it if you need space, just.. don't let your thoughts fester. If you have a problem with me, let me know. Get angry, get loud, even, but please, _please_ , let me know."

"Always and forever from now on. I'll do my best, I promise." She sighs again, her mind tired. I know, without a doubt, that I caused this. This is the kind of tired I have been familiar with for far longer than any other, an exhaustion of the mind and emotions that comes from an ache in the soul. I caused this.

"I'm sorry I yelled back at you, though. I'm sure that didn't help." Does she really blame herself for my behavior?

"At that point, you really deserved to yell. Stars, what a clod I was being.." I sigh, angry at myself again. But as much as I regret it, I won't let myself forget that it happened, not as long as I know _she_ remembers and is tormented by it. I have to remember so that I will not repeat it. I must learn from my mistakes.

"It's.. it's not fine, but I forgive you. It'll be fine again."

"How? I don't know how to move past this, I don't know how you can.."

"I don't know any other way, Phantom. You are my only.. whatever this is. And I care, and it's worth more to me to continue on in spite of what happened than to just.. stop. I don't want to go forward alone. I want to.. whatever we do, do it together. And that means I forgive you. And we keep going."

"Then we will." I sigh, head in her hair. "How are you so wise?"

"Wise? I'm just doing what feels right to me. If that's wisdom.." I feel her shrug.

"I think, in your case, it definitely is. I aspire to be more like you."

"You should aspire to be more yourself." She says in reply, her voice a soft murmur. Before I can question the absurd statement, she continues, "The way you are now is.. is largely how Homeworld and all its cruelties made you to be, what they turned you into. And the same goes for me. I may be a bit more.. ahead of you in this regard, but we both need to discover ourselves, away from their influence, away from their judgement and hate and.. and be ourselves, whoever those gems turn out to be."

"What if I'm no better than what they made me? What if I would have always turned out like this?"

"I don't think you would have. I don't think it's possible. I know there's more to you than what they allowed you to be. You just need to find that for yourself. I can't tell you who you are, but I can help you learn how to know yourself. I think I know myself. I think I know the way."

"Then I will follow and listen and learn. I trust you to lead the way."

"You trust me?" She asks, pulling away, looking up at me, starstruck.

"What?"

"You've never said it out loud before- never put it into words that- I'm sorry, that's such a weird thing to fixate on." She shakes her head, looking down, embarrassed. I feel a new pang of shame, though, for having caused her further pain, even in so subtle a way as this.

"I.. I suppose I hadn't. But it's true, it was true before, and it's truer now more than ever. You came _back_ for me, Sardonyx. You had every right and reason to leave me behind and chase your dream and be free and fight and.. and _you came back_. How could I not trust you? I'm sorry I'm.. I've been mute about these things too often. I hardly know myself, sometimes. I confuse and confound myself.." She giggles at the word. Does she remember that little joke? I smile, glad that she does, for she must, the knowing laughter revealing it. "But I want to learn who I am, and I want you to know the.. the real me. This is a strange thing to say aloud, goodness. But- but I want you to know me for me, and I want you to know how I really feel and the first thing I want you to know is that I trust you. I do. I'll follow you anywhere."

"I'm not a leader, Phantom. I don't know what I'm doing." She shrugs. She seems small and cold. How is it that the same gem who can burn and destroy ships in _my_ name can barely summon a spark for herself? Then again, I'm much the same. As selfish as I know myself to be, today being case-in-point, I can barely defend my 'self'. I don't think I'm much of a person, at least, not much of a good one. I just don't understand how she can feel that way about herself, when she is so clearly much more than just a 'good' person.

"I just meant- I'll go with you. We can figure out how and why together, but anywhere you go, I'll go, too. U-unless, of course, you need or want to go alone. I wouldn't- would _not_ trap you like that-"

"I understand. We'll go together." She smiles, a bit of warmth returned to her. "But let's not ever do the 'together' thing so literally ever again."

"Oh no, that was. Oh my, that was, ah, certainly something. What _was_ it?"

"Well, two gems of the same cut can 'fuse', their body and mind melding into one. They get bigger, stronger, usually a bit smarter. 'Two minds are better than one' and all that, but very literally. It's very common for gems like Rubies and Amethysts and such to fuse in combat situations, but I have never, ever, in all my time, _ever_ heard of two different gems fusing. It's- I- we-" Sardonyx just shrugs, eyes wide. "That shouldn't be possible."

"Why not?"

"I-" She stops. "I don't know."

"Perhaps no two different gems had ever tried before. Maybe it's always been possible. Or maybe it's me.. I'm.. not exactly normal. There's no telling what I can or can't do that gems should or shouldn't be able to.." I ponder, looking down at my hand, somehow nestled back in hers.

"I don't think that's it. I think your first guess would be the correct one. It's possible that.. we always just assumed gems of different families couldn't fuse because they can't.. synchronise. You're supposed to.. understand each other so deeply that you just-" She gestures with our hands, pressing them together, our fingers interlaced. "- maybe we just assumed that different gems couldn't understand each other enough to fuse, so no one ever tried."

"Th-then, what does it say that- that we did it _without_ trying?"

"That, in that moment at least, we understood each other enough to come together. We felt the same things, thought the same things, wanted the same.. Which means that.. in that moment, you were thinking that we go together. We belong together.." She seems amazed, but pleased. "Right?"

"Yes." I nod. "I was thinking that.. that we should never be separated again, if we can help it."

"Absolutely. We're a team." She smiles, finally, eyes closing as the smile widens. "We go together."

"We go together." I affirm. "You know, it wasn't.. so bad being.. fused? It was confusing, and surprising, but it wasn't.. bad."

"I.. I agree. It was scary, but in a way, it felt just like we're talking now. We're close, we're communicating.." She shrugs. "It was just faster. Instantaneous." I nod.

"I'm not suggesting we try that again any time soon, but it… it might come in handy."

"I think I agree there, too. I'm more concerned about after. It was so hard to remember my own form, and.. and in the end I couldn't do it on my own."

"Yes, that.. that is a concern. Are you okay? From that?" I give her hands a squeeze, which she returns.

"I am. It was.. terrifying.. but I'm okay. Part of me feels that.. that only happened because it was the first time, I had no idea what to expect.. but I'm scared that it'll be that way every time, and in the heat of battle, if we try to use it and come undone, I'd.. you'd..." It's a mortal fear that possesses her, and I honestly can't blame her.

"Then we don't have to. I'm not sure we could do it again on purpose anyway. It was a.. magical sort of thing." I shrug. Truthfully, I am very interested in trying again, but how could I ever force her to do something that.. intimate with me _again_? That we were 'synchronized' once is something of a miracle, and a blessing at that. It's something I will treasure knowing forever.

"Maybe we'll try again sometime. Maybe. For now.. gosh, I don't even know about right now."

"How do you mean?" I get the feeling she's not talking about fusion. Sardonyx let's go of my hands, rising to look out at the stars.

"I'm starting to think that maybe it's a little silly to just.. keep trying to shoot ourselves at Earth. I know, that's been my goal since day one, but.. there's so many things in between here and there and they keep setting us back. It's frustrating, but maybe that's just me." I stand and join her, suddenly anxious.

"No, I.. I can understand that. What would you suggest, then?"

"Well.. maybe this is just me too, but.. it was awful easy to completely wreck that ship. And, if I'm honest, a lot of fun, too. In the heat of it, it was more a job to fulfill to save you, but looking back.. a _lot_ of fun. I'm thinking we make an adjustment to our.. mission statement. We're still ultimately aiming for Earth and the War but for however long it takes us to get there, we make it absolute _hell_ for the gems trying to stop us. And it's okay if we get lost or shoot too far or have set backs, because we'll just tear our enemies apart until we can get back on track. I'm talking absolutely unbearable amounts of destructions, here. Complete guerilla warfare." Finally she turns to me, grinning a wicked, enthusiastic smile, all teeth but no malice, not for me. I chuckle, trying to understand.

"So.. we're still going to Earth.. we're just.. destroying everything on the way there?" She nods. I snicker, and then chortle, then I am forced to toss back my head in full blown laughter. "Sardonyx, there's nothing I would like more than to rampage across the universe with you!" Before I let myself think about it too long, I pick her up, adding only a little telekinetic energy, and spin her around, laughing wildly. She squeals, delighted if surprised.

"Phantom, what's gotten into you?" She asks, laughing as well. "This isn't like you!"

"Maybe this _is_ like me, and I'm just not afraid to let it show for once!" I answer, then trip, Sardonyx falling into me. Luckily, I catch us, keeping us from falling all the way to the ground.

"Do you mean that?" She asks, undisturbed from the near fall. The blind faith she seems to have in me is momentarily astounding, and I nearly forget to respond.

"I- I think so. After.. after all this, all that, everything I said and realizing how much I _regret_ it, I think.. there's no time to not say or feel things. The, the real things, that is. I just.. I am excited for the next adventure with you. To be here, there, anywhere. I'm not scared to show things anymore. Rather, I think I'm quite afraid to _not_ show things." I reply, slowly putting her down. While I feel amazingly energized, I know that I've done a lot of magic today, and this feeling won't last forever.

"I'm glad. I like seeing you happy." She smiles, and I blush, feeling my face heat up. I remember how, perhaps a month ago now, she told me that I was pretty when I seemed like this, how absurd it sounded then, how impossible it seems now. And though she's smiling, I wonder that, deep inside beyond where I can read, she's not really happy.

"Are you?" This catches her off guard. Am I perhaps reading too far?

"Happy? Yes. Well, I think I could be happier, but not by much. Are you? I don't want to make assumptions, but right now, at least, you seem to be." She nods in response to me, then quirks her head to the side, slightly, for her own question.

"I am. I am.. concerned but excited for the future. But mostly, I _am_ just happy to be here."

"Good, I'm glad!" She smiles again, but she lets out a little chirp of a sound as well, surprising herself.

"Wh-what was that?"

"I- I don't know. I've never made that sound before.. but I think it's a happy sound."

"Then, I look forward to hearing it again." Then I take her by the hand again, and spin her around, and we dance. Oh, how we dance, the stars above us singing about the adventures yet to be had.


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Pyrope's Report

 _Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY_

 _Special Mission Log 3:_

 _When I woke up, my form reassembling for the second time thanks to the very cause of this special log, I was in a new room on a new ship. I could tell instantly because it was an entirely different palette. The last ship was a mix of oranges and reds and occasional yellows, a Topaz at it's helm. This new one was greens and blues. An Azurite's ship, I would learn very quickly._

 _She came into the room, you see. Almost before I was finished. She was waiting for me, I suppose._

" _Report." She said instantly. She was very agitated, very short in temper._

" _In regards to what?" I asked, my own temper getting the better of me. Oops. I've been having something of a terrible month, you understand. My whole flight plan rearranged, ruined forever! By the time I finish this mission, four deliveries will have been made by what was once my squad! I've never been delayed before, and I utterly detest this enormous setback and bad mark on my records, I'll have you know!_

 _The Azurite was not happy with my tone._

" _The_ _ **ship**_ _. The one_ _ **your targets**_ _managed to_ _ **destroy**_ _!" She hollered, slamming her hands in fists in the walls. I admit, I flinched. She's a warrior-leader, after all. What's a pilot supposed to do besides be snarky?_

" _They did something!" I bumbled out. "It was absurd, impossible!"_

" _What?_ _ **What**_ _did they do? We have no clue what happened after the Sardonyx found the Fluorite, everything in that sector of the ship was torn apart by the Fluorite's mind! Tell me!"_

" _They- they fused!" It's true, log! I don't know how! It shouldn't be possible, but they did it, and the form they took was atrocious! Four arms with only three fingers and a thumb each, legs bent awkwardly with too many pivot points, like two elbows or two knees, and while it had the correct number of eyes, they were both on one side of the face, I suppose due to the Fluorite's gem placement being their right eye. The cloth-identifiers were mashed, clashing. Overall, the effect was a strange hybrid of the two in physical appearance, all around. They didn't seem to know what they were doing at first, but I guess they realized the ship was falling apart, and they escaped. I don't remember how, my form got smashed between two wall panels as the vacuum of space crushed the inner walls of the ship, not built to withstand the pressure alone. I explain as much to the Azurite, and at first she doesn't believe me._

 _I can hardly blame her, though, I wouldn't believe it unless I saw it with my own eyes! An abomination like that, two gems of different kinds merging,_ _ **fusing**_ _? It's supposed to be impossible, and even if it's not, it's a disgusting thing to think about. A has-been noble with a cluster-esque freak of an experiment, becoming a single entity? Gross. What a nightmare._

 _Eventually the Azurite accepts the story, begrudgingly, and the recording of our talk along with her report as well as mine are going to be sent to Homeworld. Eventually this log will make it's way there as well, to be reviewed and whatever else goes on. For now, my mission is the same: to find and capture the Sardonyx and the Fluorite. I've been told to take 'special care' of the Fluorite, though. White Diamond is, apparently, very eager to have them in her court again. I am surprised, for while it's mental powers are somewhat amazing and potentially useful, it is an old, old gem with a great bitterness for all things to do with Homeworld and the Diamond. I was permitted a chance to watch it's.. experiments with the Peridots on the ship._

 _Though the inhibitor was obviously incapacitating at first, it eventually figured out how to talk through the disconnection. It writhed and frothed against the Diamonds and all mentions therein of Homeworld and our glorious leaders. For a long time it did this, cursing all of us and her. Once the Peridots synced the inhibitor bubble with their room's controls, and they were able to apply a charge to it and the Fluorite, it got very quiet, and didn't say anything, even when prompted. The wide-eyed, distant look on it's face was satisfying at first, and then very haunting. I left at that point, but a lot of what it said stuck with me._

 _I don't understand it's problem with us. It came out_ _ **wrong**_ _! Isn't it mad that it's life is imperfect? Doesn't it want to die, to find solace from it's deformity in the silence of non-existence? I would, if I were broken or twisted like it was. It simply doesn't seem to know what's good for it or the Empire. I guess that's why it's my job to capture it, so that an end can be put to it (and everyone else's) suffering._

 _I was out two days, but the fugitives haven't shown up anywhere yet, so I'm going out to scan for them the hard way, tracking their possible paths until someone reports them or they otherwise reveal themselves._

 _Sardonyx:_

 _And we danced. For several days, or what felt like it, anyway. When we didn't dance, we talked. More of everything and anything, but somehow freer this time than before. More feelings, less secrets, less hesitation and awkwardness. I held some reservations, some fear of rejection, but it passed, and there were no secrets._

 _And we sang. The overwhelming desire to add something ethereal to the flow of the physical took me, and I blurted out the sweetest sentence in the sweetest voice I could manage, and to my surprise, Phantom joined in. They knew the words, somehow, and I could not have been happier to share a song with them._

 _We almost fused again, in that instance. Almost. Fear and realization sent me hurtling away, startled, against some rock while the glowing stops. Phantom was obviously ecstatic, but I cannot fathom why. For all that the fusion itself was a euphoric, complete understanding of each other, coming apart was like a ship being wrenched and torn to pieces as it falls from orbit, on fire and tearing and splitting and frightening. I knew who I was before, and I knew us both together, but apart again I could not understand my own self as a singularity. Even now, however much later it is, I feel dizzy being separate from them. I worry that I lost something of myself in them, and I cannot bear to possibly lose more._

 _Phantom consoled me, they seem to understand my fear, but it's still very apparent that it means something much more to them than it did, does, to me. I wish I could share that with them. If I ever will, it won't be terribly soon. We're heading out tomorrow, after Phantom makes some adjustments to the ship. We're both ready and excited to get on our way with our new purpose._

 _Look out, Homeworld. We're coming for you._

 _Phantom Fluorite: Log 44:_

 _It's been two months since our little vacation on the asteroid, and I'm finding that this new mission statement is even more enjoyable than I had previously hoped it might be. I thought I might feel afraid, being so reckless, but I feel freer for it, really. Knowing we aren't trying to contain ourselves to 'go, go,go'. No longer is it simply 'do what we must to survive'. I can't quite explain the change. I'm not as afraid to face the fleets. I'm not so afraid to be myself- flawed and odd and out of place._

 _Because, it seems, I'm not those things when I'm with her. Together we are something else. A little wild, a little volatile, a great deal of fearsome. I like being fearsome. Sometimes the faces of fright and fear are too much, and I can see myself becoming exactly as terrible as the things I've sworn myself against, but even then, there she is, balancing me out. She pulls me back when I almost step out too far, she pushes me forward when I wouldn't jump far enough, she holds me steady. I wonder if she knows all the things she's changing in me._

 _I can see so many things changing about her as well. She's a little more daring, a little less hesitant about her own self, and she constantly pushes herself to do and be more. In all the perils we face, she is a constant source of faith and light and confidence. In both of us._

 _I'm not sure she realizes it, but she's always the one to step first, into those perils. I may design the plans a majority of the time, but she drives them into action, and even the craziest, most impossible thoughts are made real with her determination. I am never afraid to follow her. Or, I suppose, the more realistic way to say it is that I am very, very afraid, almost perpetually, but it never traps me, the way it did before. I'm never afraid to the point of rage and exhaustion. I'm never held captive by it._

 _For instance, our latest adventure involved crash landing on a nearly complete colony, due to a dire wound to the ship's engine, courtesy of our favorite psychopathic Pyrope. We landed on a 'bridge', the large stretches of land mass in-between the 'cities'. They exist for structure's sake, but there's hardly anything on them. We_ _ **may**_ _have set the engine to overheat and explode.. causing the junction to crumble, buckling out into space from its own pressure, taking a fair chunk of city with it._

 _Sardonyx feels guilt for frightening or possibly hurting anyone inside that part of the city as it was torn away, but we've been scanning the messages sent all over that planet, and there's been no mention of so much as a disassemblance._

 _Anyway, my point is that I didn't think that the ship would explode until we were out of range, or that Pyrope would find us before or during the explosion, or that we wouldn't manage to find a new ship, or that we wouldn't even manage to land properly. I was sorely afraid the whole time, but she always believed we'd make it out. And we did. I am very certain that, if not for her boundless optimism and persistence, we would not have made it this far, in any circumstance._

 _Every now and then, I'm sad to say, I do feel that bitterness rising up in me, but, hard as it is, I tell her. I must, or I will regress. And we talk it out. It's not easy, much of the time, to explain it, but she must be made of patience, because she always understands, in the end, asking questions and reaching out until she does._

 _Ah, she's calling me now. Pyrope is apparently hot on our trail again, with a small squad of ships, too._

 _Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY_

 _Special Mission Log 56:_

 _DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT I HATE THEM AND THEIR CLODDING FACES AND THEIR STUPID "TEAMWORK" AND ALL THEIR RUDDY VICTORIES I'M GOING TO SMASH THEM INTO THE GROUND CURSE ANY RETRIBUTION OR PUNISHMENT THAT'LL COME OF IT THEY DESERVE TO DIE_

 _Alright, that's enough of that._

 _For now._

 _Suffice it to say they weaseled their way out of capture yet again. Six months of chasing them here and there and everywhere and every time I encounter them I have a better plan, a better squad, a better ship, and they_ _ **still**_ _manage to get away! I've been disassembled by them sixteen times now. SIXTEEN. I am so deeply ashamed at myself and righteously FURIOUS at them. How dare they ruin my life like this! How dare they! Curses, curses, woe upon them for all time!_

 _Next time. Next time their filthy, ruddy, misshapen rocks are_ _ **MINE**_ _._

 _Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY_

 _Special Mission Log 57:_

 _Next time. Next time for sure._

 _Sardonyx:_

 _It's been a blast, hopping from one place to the next, no worry of consequences. And, for us, that 'blast' is both literal and figurative. Nothing can stand in our way! Sure, we've been 'blown' off-course, and there have been some struggles, some challenges, but it's nothing. We always overcome. Sometimes it's real scary, pinned down with little way out, but we make it out. There's been close calls and missed chances, but there's been help in unexpected places, too. Kindness where it couldn't have been expected._

 _Like the Cassiterites, way back in the beginning (Unfortunately I only distinctly remember the glasses one, the one who did the talking. I'm sure there were more but their details are gone. I'm sorry), there are gems who sympathize, but either for fear or inability, can't participate in the other side of the war directly. They give us help, from time to time. Covering for us, playing victim so we can get away. There was an exceptional Pearl on the last or second to last encounter with Homeworld who smuggled us across a ship, a whole_ _ **arm ship**_ _, to help us get away._

 _We'd gotten captured, you see, and it was looking very bad for us, inescapable kind of bad, and suddenly there's an explosion and this Pearl, who'd been there the whole time, you understand, explains that the ship we were captured in_ _ **must have been**_ _set to explode. We'd hadn't any time to that ourselves, so we knew right away something was off. Well, all the official gems who were all set to interrogate us or poof us or whatever left, ran off to take care of the explosion, leaving behind the Pearl and a couple Amethyst guards._

 _This is the amazing part. I don't think I'll ever forget it! Quick as lightning, she's got a spear, a real pretty, blue-white spear, and it's lanced through both the Amethysts within seconds, and I'm very certain neither of them saw it coming or who did it either._

 _She explained that she'd also taken down the video and audio recording equipment, as part of the 'explosion's damage', and that they'd never know it was her. And she unbound us and while every other gem was focusing on getting the enormous hole in the ship contained, she took us to a ship, all prepped and ready for us._

 _I kind of got excited and invited her to come with us, of course, because she'd done so much to help us, and surely she'd only do that if she believed in our cause! Phantom was less than enthused about that, but I understand that. I got a little carried away. It's alright, though, because she declined._

" _I've got my own plans." She said and smiled, "And I'd take you with me if I could, too." And then she waved and left and we took off again._

 _I'm not sure why it's so rewarding to know that there are other gems, still out here on_ _ **this**_ _side of everything that believe in us. Maybe not us, me and Phantom, specifically, but us the whole group of gems who want something more than Homeworld will give us. But it is! I hope that, somewhere amongst those gems, there's a spark of inspiration and a dash of hope that comes from what we're doing. It would be grand._

 _I sure have gotten to write a lot this time! If we've got this much time on our hands, I think I'm going to go ask Phantom to dance with me! It's been a while and I want to try something.._

 _Phantom Fluorite: Log 387:_

 _A lot of our old files were corrupted when we tried to transfer them to these 'data sticks'. I'm certain there has to be a better word for them, because 'data stick' is so… inelegant. Anyway. We got our hands on these neat little storage units specifically for information and the safe transport of it. About half the length of one of my fingers, it can store 'three thousand logs of up to eight thousand words' length', which seems, honestly, like overkill, but we also grabbed half a dozen each, so.._

 _We've had the same ship for a while now, perhaps a third of a year, and it's been severely compromised for much of its travels with us, and we've been scared that all our old files were gone for good. The good news with these.. sticks.. is that we were able to recover some of them! The bad news is that over half of the more recent ones corrupted during the transfer. No matter for me, though, I can recap much of it, for the logs' sake. Sardonyx is having a few more troubles on that topic, but, well, there's nothing to be done but try to help her remember in her own time._

 _It's been about a year since we managed to safely fuse and unfuse for the first time, essentially weaponizing it. Sardonyx never quite got the hang of recalling her own form after unfusing, but as long as we immediately address it, it's not a serious problem. It hasn't been so far, anyway. As long as I am there to help her remember (and I always will be) she'll be fine. It surprises me how often she initiates it, even in times of need. I thought, based on our initial reactions, that I would always be the one to suggest it, that she'd always shrink away, but no. More times than not, she's the first to suggest it as a solution._

 _The ability to become a single entity with superior strengths and observations has saved us quite a few times, and scared the body-mods of more than a few of our foes. It's always so.. interesting to become what we've dubbed 'Ametrine' for the colors we possess. We're much larger than any gem, even a Quartz or Agate, should be, and much stronger too. Sardonyx alone can bend titanium with ease, but together we can_ _ **tear**_ _it apart as though it were aluminum. Similarly, my psychic reach is almost unlimited, but what a force we are! I once bragged that I knocked a planet from orbit, I'm sure, but Sardonyx and I as Ametrine tore a_ _ **sun**_ _in two. It was a dwarf star, mind, and very old and falling apart in the way that stars do, but still! The gravity we had to counteract! The forces we outmatched!_

 _The only downside, I've found, is that it can be confusing. We're not quite a single person, but we're not independent thinkers anymore, either. At our most synchronized, fusion is_ _ **almost**_ _like being one person, but more commonly there are two sets of observations, two perceptions of sound, sight, touch.. sometimes they war with each other, and the effect can be distracting. Even so, I think it's worth it for the temporary additional strength, and I dare say Sardonyx agrees. it's a useful gift, and I still consider it quite a blessing that she can so easily.. understand._

 _I talked about this at length in one of those older logs, one that was assuredly destroyed, but I don't much feel like repeating that, right now. I think, right now, I'd rather go see if Sardonyx could use a reminder herself._

 _We're heading towards a ship factory right now to get ourselves an upgrade. We should have about a week of memories ahead of us.._

 _Sardonyx:_

 _Phantom keeps telling me I should try to number these, but I've written so many and I'd forget which one I was at and I'd have to go back to the last and I'm sure that by the time I found the number and got back to the current log, I'd have forgotten both the number and what I wanted to log about! So, I'll keep on this way. At least the metadata keeps them in chronological order for me, or we'd really be in trouble if we needed to find a specific one!_

 _Well, as for the number, obviously I can't quite recall the exact number, but when I think about it, four hundred sounds about right? Perhaps a high four hundred number. Almost five hundred, but not quite. Honestly, I don't write too many logs, not as many as Phantom, who I think at this time has closer to six or seven hundred.._

 _Which makes me think, how long have we been running? Enough time to write at least a thousand logs together, plus attempts at music and poetry.. I'm sure Phantom has a more exact idea than I do, they always do about this sort of thing._

 _It's gotten strangely easier not to blame myself for my memory problems. I don't do it on purpose, and we've found a lot of ways of working around it, so it's less of a problem and more of an inconvenience and an embarrassment, for me, at least. I still feel guilty about it, though. For all the friendly faces we've encountered, and I can't remember a single one. I know we met them, I know we talked, I know, in a lot of cases, they even helped us, sometimes saved our lives! But I don't remember. I remember the way Phantom has told me, over and over, but I don't remember it happening to me, to us. I don't remember them. It's not fair to them to be forgotten, when they deserve otherwise. It's not fair to Phantom, who feels obligated to remind me of all those we've met over and over, like a duty. It's not fair to me.._

 _But I guess the guilt is no longer tied to my sense of personhood, in a way? I understand that, while this dysfunction is a part of my being, it's not part of me as a person, the way, say, my thoughts are. My thoughts_ _ **are**_ _me. Or, a significant part of me. My memory issues contribute to a lot of who I am, but they are not_ _ **me**_ _. I'm not sure that makes any sense, but that's the best way I can say it._

 _And yet, and yet, because there's always something more, I do still feel that guilt. I want to remember, and I can't. They deserve to be remembered, and thank the stars for Phantom, because without them I really don't think I'd remember anything at all. I'm so glad and so grateful to have them. I'm not sure where either of us would be without the other, and I don't care to try to imagine it, either. I'm very happy with where we are and what we're doing._

 _I'm going to go ask Phantom how long we've been running, and then I think I want to write a bit more._

 _Phantom Fluorite: Log 921:_

 _Sardonyx surprised me today! I was gem deep in trying to pull a little ditty together (the joke here is that it's one of the most massive projects I've attempted- it's seventeen minutes long and it's nowhere near close to where I want it in either length or sound, but that's nowhere to do with this log) and I'd been sitting for a solid week, perhaps, trying to get this thing to work, and she came out of nowhere, yelled, 'surprise!'. I must've jumped or shrieked because the next thing I knew she was apologizing profusely and trying not to giggle._

' _What is it?' I asked, a little unnerved._

' _I really didn't think you were focusing that hard, really, Phantom, I'm sorry!' She said, still giggling, but a little more apologetic this time. I knew she meant it, of course._

' _It's fine. Did you need something?' I asked, turning away from the board. She gave me a hug, picked me up and spun me around and laughed. I laughed, too, because what else was I_ _ **to**_ _do?_

' _It's been ten years! Happy anniversary!'_

' _T-ten years?' I knew, immediately, what she meant, but I couldn't believe it! 'Since what?' She put me down, then, to explain, but it was more of a stream of thought than an explanation-_

' _We met! Well, I think! I went back through all our old logs and tried to count days because I knew we_ _ **must**_ _be close to a milestone like that and I thought maybe three or five years maybe at the most and the days are very likely a week or two off since we're missing so much of some of the earlier bits and I had to check my math a lot and start over even more_ _ **but-**_ _I'm pretty sure that today is the tenth anniversary of us meeting! Surprise!'_

 _I think I started crying then, but she just picked me up and spun me round again._

 _Can you believe it? Ten years! Ten whole years! I checked her math and did a couple runs through our logs counting days too and yes it's hard to tell if the day is exact but it's very, very close. Ten years. Ten_ _ **years**_ _!_

 _It feels like just yesterday she came asking me how long it'd been, and I'd answered 'Two years', but no. So much longer than that. I try to imagine myself in the early days, and the gem I am now telling them then that we'd still be partners, still be alive and kicking and fighting, all this time later, and I don't think that me could have believed it. I hardly believe it now, but it's true. Here we are!_

 _Ten years.. how fast it went by, and yet I treasure every moment. Every adventure, every victory and near-failure and even every time I was certain, so sure, that_ _ **this**_ _time was the end. How long has it been since I thought that? Years._

 _Ten years. Ten years of freedom stolen back from Homeworld. And you know, it's amazing how long those ten years feel in the face of the hundreds, the thousands of horrible ones. How much better they are. How much more I remember them. How much they've changed me. I'm glad to be here, like this._

 _Ten years! I'll keep better track, now, and maybe I'll manage to be the one who surprises her in ten more years.._

 _Ten years!_

 _Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY: Special Mission Log 1023:_

 _This game has gone on for so long I'm not sure it'll ever end._

 _I've been given so many chances and tools and promotions and help and it never works out for me. I've started to lose hope that it'll ever end, but the anger I feel at those Diamond-dodging_ _ **clods**_ _won't let me stop. And no matter how many times I fail, White Diamond's court says the same thing: this is my mission. I am wildly incapable of this, despite everything I've learned, despite the promotions and my skills and everything that's changed, I'm not capable of this. Still: this is my mission._

 _But none of that is important. We've got a new plan. I've been driving them towards a small but highly militarized convoy, carrying a special present for Pink Diamond from Yellow Diamond. More importantly, the gem escorting that special present is a Tourmaline._

 _She's going to tear the Fluorite apart._


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: New Faces

Tourmaline sets the receiver down, turning to the rest of us, who await her commands. Or, rather, the commands of someone else, passed through her lips with her approval. And I suppose it's all the others who await commands to actually _do_ something. I'm here as an object, not a person, today. Everyone stiffens the slightest bit, the room somehow more soundless than ever, as she prepares to speak:

"Power down all the ships after hiding them on the outer side of the asteroid belt. We'll set up communications through old radio-wave transceivers, and when the Pyrope signals, we'll power up the ships, and the fight will begin, the fugitives none the wiser." Her face is a gentle kind of smug, but I know the terrible person behind that smile, those gleaming eyes. "A warning applies to these fugitives: Expect the unexpected. They are creative and ruthless and are known to attempt extreme resorts to escape. Furthermore, in hand-to-hand combat, the Sardonyx is more dangerous up close, the Fluorite more dangerous from a distance, but they are most dangerous when together. The Pyrope did not explain why or how.. and while I'm tempted to find out, we'll play by her game's rules for now. Do not allow them a close proximity, and instruct your soldiers the same."

Everyone relaxes the tiniest bit as her delivery ends. Simple instructions, indeed. What could go wrong?

"A word of warning of my own, however. If at all possible, I want the Fluorite to myself. If I engage with it, anything goes. Get out of the way, or get crushed." She says, adding the smallest smile to the end. And there it is, the wickedness we all know and love to fear. She called these fugitives ruthless, but I wonder if she knows her picture and identification numbers are next to the word in the dictionary.

Almost merrily, she waves a hand to send the rest away to their ships to do what they've been told.. obedient pebbles. She looks out the massive window of the lead ship in this small convoy, the wide glass dwarfing her more than usual. She waves me up with a sneer in her eyes, and I obey. Though we're the same size, a meager meter tall, her power dwarfs mine, dwarfs everyone's. Of course we obey. I suspect, and greatly dread, that the only things more powerful than her is the Diamonds, but even then I have great cause to doubt and worry. She's clever, and wicked, and cruel, and if ever she found herself _against_ the Diamonds.. I'm not sure who I would stake my survival on.

Then again, she hopes this Fluorite is a challenge for her. When she learned that it was the same power-class and aspect as her.. the joy on her face sent me into shivers. She wants a challenge.

Head down, I stand slightly behind her.

"Isn't this exciting?" She asks, arms crossed, focused still out the window, as if she'll see them coming. The engines fire and hum beneath us, and we start to move behind the belt.

"Of course."

"Oh, come now. We're alone. You can speak your mind with me."

"What am I supposed to say? It's exciting." I shrug. "I just want.. I just want to get there."

"Of course you do. Anything to leave me behind, right?"

"It's- it's not like that. I am excited to meet my new Diamond, that's all. And.. you know I've never travelled well."

"Of course, of course. And I'm sure the shame of being told you're not good enough to keep around isn't helping either?" She says, turning to look at me with her right eye. "Oops. I said I wouldn't talk about that anymore, didn't I?" I can't bring myself to respond to this, so I just flick my eyes back to the floor, where they should be, where they should _stay_ , where they belong. She giggles, a chirping, fluttering sound.

The worst part about Tourmaline is that I'll never escape her. Even once I'm Pink Diamond's, and she's off doing what our Yellow Diamond commands, elsewhere, she'll be haunting me. How could she ever leave me?

We share a face, after all.

"Come on, Elbaite. Let's tuck you away somewhere safe and sound." She takes hold of my arm, and it might be a reassuring gesture, if it weren't for the grin sneaking onto her face, or the roughness with which she guides me away from the window, into the belly of the ship. Safe, she says. Sure. Safe from everything but her.

Sardonyx:

"She's being awful pushy, Phantom!"

"I know, it's very uncomfortable." They grunt, twisting the ship around in ways I am very sure it was not meant to move, all in the attempt to avoid her furious and frequent blasts. She must have gotten a new ship, because I'm pretty sure it wasn't this powerful before. A single shot nearly knocked our back wing off, and it's been causing problems ever since. Worse, she's been shooting us in a very specific direction, herding us toward the curve of a belt.

"Does she think she can make us crash? That hasn't worked in forever!" I shoot back, but like the back wing, the main turret was hit and is severely damaged.

"Maybe she's got something rigged, I don't know!" They're stressed- the ship isn't flying the way they need, so they have to compensate with telekinesis, which requires double the concentration. I nod, mostly to myself, and keep shooting with the smaller turrets, trying at least to deflect her shots. Phantom's the one that's always had marvelous aim with even these, but I struggle to get them to respond the way I want, the way I need them to.

Phantom flips us, one-eighty, to dodge a swarm of blasts, but she rapid fires another three, and they take out the rear sensors and one of the smaller turrets, leaving me with only three. One or two of the blasts seem to clip through the engine, too, as multiple warnings for engine failure pop up on my screen.

"Blast!" Phantom yells. "Alright, we're taking the bait- maybe we can lose her in the field. If not, we'll just face her trap. It's not like we haven't gotten away with it before." A tinge of levity, of humour, sneaks into the last bit, and I feel myself smile. Nope, it's not like we haven't done that at all.

"I'm behind you all the way, captain." I joke back, even though I'm not quite sure where the joke came from, or why it's funny. I just know that it is, and Phantom chuckles back, tucking the ship into a roll straight into the field of asteroids, a bumbling array of blue-gray rocks. They take us ducking and diving and weaving through the piddling cascade of shapes.

Several minutes of this pass, Pyrope hot-gunning for us the whole way, of course, but we dip around a particularly large one, Phantom likely hoping to disappear behind another one before she can catch up, when something stops us.

We nearly come to a complete stop as the something collides with us, too forceful to be a random, unguided asteroid. I slam into the back of my seat, I hear Phantom sprawl across their control panel with a groan, but the ship bounces off whatever we hit, and we reverse positions almost neatly. I turn around to look out Phantom's window, and see a ship, which I'd hoped wouldn't be the case. Our ship is dead in the non-atmosphere, however.

"Phantom, we need to steal their ship, they're surrounding us, there's.." I try to rouse Phantom, stunned in their seat, as I also try to gauge how many there are. ".. a lot. There's a lot." Their eyes focus and sharpen, and they're ready to go, nodding.

"Ametrine?" They ask, hushed.

"Let's save that for a last resort, for now. We don't do so well in open space like that, remember?"

"Oh right- good point. We should sneak out, then, if we can."

"May be too late for that. They've got ships everywhere, you see?" I point out the window at the six or seven I've spotted. Phantom nods, and then looks out, far out.

"Damn!" They snarl. "They knew- it was a trap- a good one- _damn_!"

"What, how many?"

"It's just a delivery run, but it's armed like it's planning to win the war by itself. They knew we were coming, Pyrope had them cut their engines so our ship wouldn't detect them. And.. and there's.." A funny look comes over their face, slowly at first, and then very suddenly. Like they're looking far out, but there's no direction, no control, just… far.

"Phantom?" I shake them by the shoulder, lightly. They've never done this before. Or, I don't think so. "Phantom? Who is it? What is it?" They blink, but they only seem to be halfway here.

"I'm sorry- who's where? I'm-" A hand wobbles to their head. "It's a big- big… _They're_ doing this- me- control-" They start twitching, in their fingers, their eye, the curve of their mouth- and then everything explodes.

The ship is torn away from us in a way that is distinctly Phantom's power. The Quartzes around the ship seem just as shocked as I am, but not surprised.

"This'll be.. easier than I.. thought." Phantom says, but it's not their voice. "Didn't think such a… powerful mind would be so… easy." They crook their neck oddly, and I get this unnerving sensation that someone else has somehow taken Phantom's place. "Come with.. me. Don't be.. disappoint- ing." Their hand reaches out, long fingers bending in a way that's strangely _rounder_ than they've ever held their fingers before.. almost like they're testing them out, trying to be gentle.

"Phantom?" I whisper. I don't understand- where is Phantom? They're right in front of me but- but that's not- it can't be- they don't _talk_ like that! The coldness of space claws at my form and I am incredibly afraid. The lines and shapes and motion of the things around me start to blur but I'm not sure why and it only serves to heighten the deep fear I feel.

Something touches me and I lash out, screaming or roaring or maybe just shrieking, hands tearing through the offending matter with fury. Or I attempt to. Half-blind from whatever this strange effect is, not psychological or emotional, I miss frequently. Instinct alone keeps me swinging, roaring, fighting.

"Now this is… a mind worth possessing.." The not-Phantom voice says, clear in my head but distant by my hearing, and the blurring, bleeding vision takes over a little more, and I can feel the effect on my mind as well. It floods into me, like static in a radio, taking control. It's foreign and evil and I want it _gone_. I want it to die. I want to scream 'get out, get out', but it's a kind of suffocation of my thoughts that won't allow the formation words, exactly. I _feel_ it instead. I rage, rage, rage against it. It _burns_ the effect away until my mind is my own and my sight is restored.

A half dozen gems float around me, incapacitated by brute force, their forms poofed. Several more, distinctly, cautiously afraid, float several meters away, unsure how to approach. Phantom- possessed by whatever tried to possess me, and by it's own words admitted- floats closest, body poised, stiffly, to grab me.

"Come… with me…" She- for I'm sure it's another gem now- says through Phantom. "Or we'll have… some fun together.."

"Eat dust." I hiss, furious that she's daring to use _my_ partner against me. She laughs, the sound just as halted and forced as her words, and Phantom straightens out, and then poofs.

I shriek. How? How dare she?! How is it possible? I reach for their gem, something I've never had to do before, but there's nothing to push off of, nothing to pull myself forward with, nothing. Phantom's gem floats, spinning, about three arm-lengths away, perpetually out of reach.

As I reach, uselessly, someone else takes hold of me, but I can't fight back before there are more, holding me down, securing me. Someone else takes Phantom's gem in hand and I almost break free then- _how dare they touch them how dare their wicked hands hold the entirety of my most beloved partner how could they how dare they I'll kill them_ \- but they pull me back by my hair and it's over. I know I can't escape, not now, not like this.

They have to drag me kicking and screaming nonetheless.

Phantom Fluorite:

My mind is free at last from that suffocating, pressuring external force, but I know immediately it's because my form was broken. I am Inside now. In the beginning, my 'Inside' was dark and formless, but as it became a frequent occurrence, I learned to give it shape and color. It'll never be quite realistic enough to pass as Outside, where the feeling of the form is.. consuming. Inside, it's.. like a ghost of a form. A guess.

It is, however, a good time to try to plan ahead. To make changes to the form. I've never changed my shape much simply because I've never really been comfortable with any proposed changes. Despite the harassment and abuse I've earned for the way I look naturally, there's no better shape for me to take. Colors, however, and suits, are easy to change.

I get the feeling I've got some time in here. I can't force my way out, and the fact that I'm still conscious in here means that either Sardonyx has me safe, or we're captured and I've a lovely interrogation to face, so it doesn't really matter if I take just a little time to make some changes.

I pull up a circle of mirrors and take a good look. It's been awhile, a long while, since I've been Inside. A long time since I really saw myself in a mirror Outside, too. I'm always affronted by how angular I am, how thin, when everyone I see is so.. not those things. Sardonyx, for instance, has a round, ovular face, with large ovular eyes, and soft, silky pink hair that always cascades like the most brilliant cape. Her shoulders are also sleek, rounded, her chest a gentle, nearly planar curve, as is her back, though curved the opposite way. Her hips are wide, and both her arms and legs have a lean but fit camber to them. Her skin is a bright, catching orange, and her suit is a pale yellow with offsets of a rusty orange and a damp red. And while her teeth are permanently pointed, feral, they are not frightening when she smiles.

I, unfortunately, am nothing like any of these things. Everything about me is square and thin. My hands and feet are enormous, graceless rectangles, attached to spindly, awkward limbs with little definition besides more angles in senseless places. Where my partner is wide at the hips, I have none, and my most impressive width is that of my shoulders, which also end abruptly, turning awkwardly to arms. And my face, oh, my face. My jawline and the top of my head are perfectly straight and parallel to each other, and I have no glorious mane. No, my faded yellow hair always seems messy and irregular, even when swept back. While Sardonyx's lack of cheeks is appealing and cute, the lack of definition on my face only serves to make me more of a living square.

Where my right eye should be, a pyramid grows, point out offensively in the world. Smaller, square pillar-like continuations of gem grow out on each of the four sides, at varying distances. I know that, somewhere beneath my form, they all connect, but I've never seen how. Around these peaking crystalline faces, there is discoloration of my form I can never seem to do away with. I am a dark blue everywhere else, but there my 'skin' is gold. It might be appealing if not for everything else. The eye I do have is narrow, triangular, and slightly sunken into the base of my head. I always think I look agitated. And between my eye and my gem, where most have a 'nose', a thing which I cannot understand the function of, I have nothing. More planes of face, flat and featureless. My current suit is a dark, spacey blue with a crossed out diamond of white.

I cannot be satisfied with this form, and I cannot improve it. It's awkward, gangly, and ghastly. It's harsh and offensive in its rigidity and edges.

There's nothing I can do for it, for me, but to try to complement it and be as comfortable as possible with it the way it is. As far as functionality goes, it serves, and I am comfortable with the way it moves, so that'll have to do.

This is what catches me when Sardonyx says.. things. She compliments me, my form, my talents. Part of me, the deepest, most well-trained part, can't understand how anything to do with this shape can produce anything worth praise. It's not just the irregular shape and power of my physical gem. Everything about me is irregular. How could I be worthy? Of praise, of attention? Of her?

And this is a mental path I've wandered too many times before. It's a circle of questioning and blame and it always leads back to Homeworld and my… unfortunate upbringing. Break the cycle.. remember the good things I've managed to do and be a part of..

Nevermind that. A few adjustments, and I'm sure I'll have enough energy to reform..

Sardonyx:

I watch everything they do with Phantom's gem like a Diamond watches her court- always suspicious, always prepared to end everything. They are surprisingly gentle with them, even inside a bubble, but I don't trust them. I don't like that I'm not the one keeping them safe, and it is my number one priority to get them back and cling to them for dear life until they reform. They must have been briefed about us, a little bit, because they keep us apart, wary and unsure of me, of us. As I understand it, a lot of our adventures are confidential, need-to-know details according to Homeworld. I suppose that if everyone knew they could fuse with just anyone else, it might cause some problems.

They take us in the ship, dragging me, as I grind my feet and pull and snarl at every opportunity. The 'feral, mad-gem' image works in my favor, after all, and it's not so much an image as it is a mood. Once we're on board, they put me in a restrainer, a type of cuff that locks onto my arms at the wrist as well as just above my elbow, and keep me from bending them and keep them an equal distance apart from each other via a rod from the wrists to the opposite elbow latch, creating a big 'X' in front of me. Three chains, metal ones, lead out, one from each wrist and the third from the center of the X, to three gems, who hesitantly lead me down a hallway. Up ahead, another holds Phantom, still bubbled in lavender.

"We won't stay captive forever. We never do." I growl to them, and they say nothing, but I can tell the line has earned a bit more anxiety. They don't know all the details about me, about us, so their wondering about the hows and whys of us will only fill them with dread. They'll assume we're capable of the worst possible things.. and, well, we kind of are. We don't necessarily _do_ the worst possible things, but we're certainly capable.

I'm silent the rest of the way to wherever we're going, letting their thoughts fester, and in turn, letting mine. I have no idea how I'm going to get Phantom back. We've never really been separated before, and neither of us has ever been poofed, either. I hate to admit it, but they have all the power here. I can't act out for fear of them hurting, _seriously hurting_ , Phantom. I know I'll get them back. I will. I have no idea how, but I know that I will.

Our walk ends in a room, bisected by a glass wall. It's a long but thin room, and the glass divider is by far _not_ in the middle. They pull me into the longer part of the room, and attach the chains to three points on different walls, limiting my movement. I fight the urge to sneer or laugh, because these are a plain, cheap steel. I can break _much_ stronger. I'm sure the glass is not really glass, but I'm more sure that I can still barrel through it in a pinch and reclaim Phantom, who they place, still in that bubble, on a pedestal.

After checking that my leads are secure, they leave, silent. The doors on both sides of the glass shut and lock, disappearing as the lines that define them literally blur together.

I wait several minutes for something to happen, someone to show up, but nothing and no one does. With a short breath, I stand and yank the chains from the walls, one, two, three, each popping easily from the sockets. I can't tell for sure if they're watching me, but this is a fairly modern ship and they don't seem exceptionally stupid, so they probably are. I work quickly, using one foot to wrench one hand from the cuff, ripping the other off with my now free arm. I use the crossed bars to hit the glass, testing it.

Surprisingly, it bounces back the first time, leaving a deep but small webbing crack in the surface. I see. It's thick. Very thick. I summon a gauntlet to cover my right hand, pull back and prepare to send my golden fist the rest of the way through.

"I.. wouldn't do that." A petite voice says from behind me. I whirl around, surprised. I don't think I've been taken by surprise as easily as that in a while. It's a small, pea green gem with a deep green shade of hair and raspberry pink outfit. She's got a pointed nose, but I can't see much else of her face, concealed by her bangs and the fact that she's looking very pointedly at the floor.

"Who.." I don't finish the question. I start to recognize the make, the model. "An Elbaite."

"Yes." She confirms.

"What's an Elbaite doing.. doing on a convoy? You're- you assure.. productivity in colonies and factories and.. not.. here." She just shrugs.

"What's a Sardonyx doing fighting a war? You're meant to tell others where to go and who to conquer, not do it yourself."

"I.. I suppose I decided I should tell myself what to do, rather than.. be a puppet _and_ a puppeteer."

"An interesting thought." At last she looks up. Her eyes are a bright, popping pink. "And what do you think you're going to do now?"

"I suppose I'm going to get Phantom Fluorite and escape." I say before I can stop myself. I mean, it's obvious, but I certainly did not mean to _say_ it. I realize, suddenly, what's happening. "I can't lie to you."

"No. And you can't help but talk. One of our abilities." Again, she shrugs, but she never breaks eye contact. Their power is not in their eyes, but it's certainly hard to focus on fighting it when you're lost in the connection. "So, how do you plan on escaping?" I try to bite my lips closed, but they fly open:

"Break the glass and fight to a ship or fight til Phantom's back and escape however necessary." I slam a hand on my mouth, ashamed.

"It's not your fault. You can't help it." Elbaite almost sounds as if she's comforting me, but then immediately, "What might you deem necessary?"

"D-disassembling of-f-f-forms. Desssstruction of-of-of-of prrrr-" I fight it, fight it like I did earlier, I know I can- "property. Dist-t-tractions, t-traps-sszzzz-" I seal my mouth shut, teeth embedded in lip, trying very hard to shut my eyes.

"Don't fight it. You can't."

"I _can_." I snarl, too easily. She's startled, but then a cold, interested look comes in her eye. A tiny, terrible smile threatens me.

"Try, then. Tell me about Homeworld. Everything." She says, a small wave of her hand commanding me to start.

"H-h-homew-world is a planet that h-housed the first D-d-d-d-diamond of our Emp-p-pire and still houses her t-t-t-tod-day-" And on I go, the need to talk greater now, harder to fight. And it seems to go on for hours, me rambling, listing things about our forsaken shell of a planet while I mentally fail to stop it from happening. Words just spill out of me one after the other constantly, consistently. The coldness in Elbaite's eyes fades almost immediately, replaced with what I must be mistaking for sympathy. I grit my teeth and still the words pour out, fact after fact and opinion and fact again. I snarl the words, I whisper them, I scream them, but I can't stop them.

Finally, though, I do manage to turn from Elbaite, as she averts her eyes. The words keep coming, but I turn to face the glass, murmuring. It's hard to focus on anything but the words, the words, words I don't remember and words I never thought and more and more, but I can feel the gauntlet on my hand, still, I can feel the glass now in front of me. The words burn through me, out of me, but I raise a hand and pound and pound until every word is accentuated by a slamming fist on half-meter thick glass. Elbaite does nothing to stop me and I keep talking and pounding.

".. Homeworld burns out what it doesn't _like_ , what's different, what's _good_ -" -crunch- "- and it is cruel _even to those_ who are blindly faithful-" -crunch- "- and it _will burn for these_." Finally, the glass shatters underneath my hand. I turn back to Elbaite, shivering against the wall, afraid, very afraid, and I know she's released me from her command. I feel a different kind of need to speak, a small rage against her personally for this, so I keep going. "Homeworld will _burn_ one day. And I will be the one who starts the fire." She squeaks, hopefully knowing this means her, too, and she presses a hand against the wall, and a door opens behind her. She disappears immediately, and the door disappears immediately too.

I step back over the broken glass, and pop the bubble that contains Phantom. Their gem sits, heavy but pleasantly weighted, in the palm of one hand. I never imagined I might hold them quite like this.

Despite the.. discomfort, that was easier than it might have been. They know my 'plan', though, however loose it might have been. I stand, Phantom in hand, unsure what to do. I can hardly get to thinking before a repetitive slamming knocks me from my feet. Shards and chunks of glass fly up, and I keep my hands securely over Phantom's gem, scared they may already have been chipped or cracked somehow.

The slamming stops, and I sit up slowly, unsure of what happened or what might yet. A 'chink' rises through the air, and my eyes fly down to Phantom's gem, my left hand unfurling from on top of it, them. I inspect them all over, but they seem fine. The irregular nature of the gem makes it hard to tell, but I can't find anything obviously wrong with them. It must have been glass. Only glass. I sigh.

Holding onto Phantom safely in both hands again, I head over to the wall where the door used to be on this side. I put my head to the wall, but I can't make out any kind of sounds from in here. Curious.. I tap the wall with a foot, but there's no give, no sound, nothing. They.. they must have bolstered the walls, somehow. There'll be no getting out now.

"Shoot." I say aloud. I could probably 'dig' the walls away with a gauntlet, but, call me paranoid, but I don't want to put Phantom down until they're ready to take form again.

So, seeing nothing else to do until that happens, I clear the floor of glass in a corner and sit down. I hold Phantom lightly in open hands, ready, more than ready, for them to come back.

I'll be here when they wake up.


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Hidden Faces

Sardonyx:

It takes a day for anything to happen. I spend my time imagining shapes in the broken glass and wondering what we'll do to get out of here and if that Elbaite will come back and make me talk again. I think, if it comes to it, I'll just poof her at the first chance, rather than.. rather than be compelled to do or say something.

That's the thing about all kinds of Tourmalines. They boost most aspects of magic, including strength, but the tradeoff is that they have complete power over you. The stronger the Tourmaline, the more both of these things are true. They're incredibly hard to manufacture, however, so they're rare, and even weaker forms, such as the Elbaite they have here, are kept and used as much as possible. You'd never hear about a Tourmaline line being discarded, barring major 'deformities'. They're sent from place to place, usually new colonies or to old factories, to enforce Homeworld rule and train new gems, or retrain old gems. They are undeniable, at least at first. I've heard that eventually a gem can form a kind of resistance to the weaker of them, but the stronger ones are almost impossible to fight.

The more I think of it, the more I feel like there's two of them. The sensation of the blurring was different than the way the Elbaite's compulsion felt. Of course, I can't be sure that's not just because it was two different kinds of compulsion. The first one was a kind of of possession, or an attempt therein, but the second was.. simpler. And more than that, the Elbaite acted very strangely. Almost as if she was acting for or as someone else.. I've never heard of such a thing, and I'm not entirely sure, but I have a feeling.

It takes a day for Phantom to reform. One moment, I am picturing the hazy details of Elbaite's fear-stricken face in the glass strewn on the floor, the next, Phantom's gem is rising from my hands, glowing. I stand as their form billows out, taking shape, indistinct and light, then solid and sure. They fall to their feet with exceptional grace, and then they open their eyes, and they're here.

I waste no time rushing for a hug. I haven't been so totally separate from them in so long.. I am most unused to it. They hug me back almost as quickly. I'm afraid I'll always take them by surprise in this way..

"How long was I out? Where are we?" They ask, after a small moment.

"A day. In some ship. We're barricaded in. Not sure how thick. I missed you." The last part comes out on accident, but I don't mind.

"I missed you too. I kept trying to take form but I didn't- couldn't quite build up the energy for it. The barricade may explain why. Still, what do you think?" They pull back to show off their new suit. At least, I think it's new. No, no, it's definitely new. The old one was much plainer. This one has several new additions. The tailcoat comes around the front a bit, and there's a belt rather than the jacket front being on its own. There's also more rings of color around the wrist- like the rings of color on my gloves. In general their attire is a lot more like mine. "It's.. it's not odd, is it?" They smile awkwardly, scared they've upset me.

"No! I think it's sweet! We match now! Well, kind of! I like it, you look very dapper!"

"I was worried it might be.. creepy, but I honestly couldn't think of anything better to try. But, if you like it, we'll leave it. Now, let's see what we can do about getting out of here." They put a hand on the wall, feeling for how thick it is. "It's.. oh my. They tore out the walls in adjacent hallways and shoved them up against us, superheated the outer ones to the point of melting together.. they did manage to align the doors so they could get in if they needed, but.. why haven't they? You said we've been in here a day?"

"About. There's no way to really tell time in here. It feels like it's been a day." I shrug. I've never been the best at telling time.

"Then it's been a day." They nod.

"There's something odd, though. Do you remember what happened before you were poofed?"

"I was taken over by something- someone else." They say, unsure. I grimace, remembering it.

"It was very scary. They poofed you, whoever possessed you. I think it's some form of Tourmaline, because an Elbaite came in and questioned me but they felt very different."

"A Tourmaline? An Elbaite?" Phantom tilts their head to side. I guess we've never run into one before, and if they never saw one on Homeworld, this is a new gem to them.

"They're a kind of psychic gem. Kind of like you. Well. You can sometimes project your thoughts, right? Well, that's their main power. They project their will. It's impossible to lie to them. But they also have an effect of boosting other gems' magic. Kind of by force."

"Interesting. What did she ask you?" When I hesitate to answer, they continue, "Did she make you do something?" I shake my head.

"No, she just asked for my plan of escape. It wasn't much of a plan, but.. I couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry." I look down, feeling ashamed. Sure, I couldn't stop myself from talking, but surely I could have talked about something else.

"You couldn't help it, don't worry." They put a hand on my shoulder, and I feel better. However, I look up, and find their face taken over again, still and sort of slumpy.

"Ph-phantom?" I pull back from their hand, unsure if it's _their_ hand right now. Their head lulls forward, eye half-focused on me. I step back again.

"No. We.. are going to _play_.." Their stolen hand pulls up in a little wave, as if to gesture to all the 'fun' we're going to have.

"Who are you?" I hiss, back and hands against the wall.

"Haven't you.. guessed?" Their head dips to the other side, bouncing. Their lack of control over Phantom's form is probably the most disturbing part of this. Conceptually, I can deal with stolen forms and hijacked partners and forced truths. Seeing it, and seeing it done so _poorly_ is harder.

"Y-you're the Elbaite. Or, or maybe something- s-someone similar."

"Bravo. What.. are you going to do about... it?"

"I'm.. I'm not sure."

"Hmm.." Phantom jerkingly turns away, as if to think. "What if.. I do.. this?" As ominous as that sounds, they do nothing, so, fearfully, I pipe up.

"Do what?" I ask. In a flash they're turned around, hands against my throat, pressing me into the wall, driving me up towards the ceiling. My hands fly to their wrists but I can't remove them from me. There's pressure all over me, like hands with prodding fingers everywhere all at once and the effect is one of great discomfort in a way I can't quite articulate. I want to scream.

"Fight. Back." Phantom's mouth but someone else's words. I twist under their hands, trying to wriggle free.

"No! I won't hurt Phantom just because you're using them to hurt me!" I scream, kicking just to get away. The pressure increases, and it feels like that of space, universal, infinite, endless, except I can feel my form desiring to cave in, to give up. It hurts.

"Fight! Back!"

"NO!" I snarl, and knock their hands away, falling to the floor. Before they can grab me, I jump away from the wall on hands and feet. Lurching, Phantom's form turns around.

"Interesting. Now.. what if I do.. this?" Almost immediately I can feel it try to enter my mind and I scream. Behind the haze I see Phantom grabbing for me, and my first instinct, well culminated from these several years of fighting, is to lash out at the approaching danger, but I can think well enough to recognize the threat _isn't_ in front of me, and I turn and drive myself into the floor instead, hands scraping up metal. I push the metal in a huge, messy coil in between Phantom and I, and I go back for more. Phantom never said that the floors were barricaded, and I don't know why I assumed they were to begin with.

I don't get very far. The haze is hard to fight off while also doing something else. Phantom's captor uses them to pull me up, having somehow removed my blockade of metal, and shoves me into the wall again, my hands captured under theirs, with extra psychic strength to hold them there. I snarl wordlessly at them, furious but unable to do anything about it.

"What a fire… you have.. I'd like very much.. to meet with you."

"You already met me." I test them.

"But I.. haven't met both of.. you. The question is.. will you… can you.. behave?" They lean in close, too close, and the haze makes it impossible to fight back, to push them away, to tell them to sod off.

"W-what?" Is all I do manage to say.

"Your Fluorite… sees your thoughts. I see.. your Fluorite's thoughts. I know.. you plan to run.. to fight.. at all costs, yes? You would do.. anything to escape.. but.. I will destroy them… with their own power.. if you do.. _So_ … can you.. behave?" They can do that? They could.. they could shatter Phantom using their own magic? How could- why- I don't-

"Yes. Don't hurt them. Yes. Don't." I sputter. I can't put Phantom in danger like that, can't- couldn't possibly. "Please."

"Too.. easy.." They say, and they sound disappointed. They release my hands. "I'll.. have the Quartzes show you.. to me. You can.. have your Fluorite.. back." They sound disgusted, defeated in victory. What did they want? A fight? For me to forsake my partner? As if I would!

Phantom slumps as the Elbaite or whomever let's go, and I catch them by the arms. They quickly stabilize, but they seem very confused. I can't blame them.

"W- w-what happened?" They ask, taking in the damage to the room. I suppose things _did_ get out of hand very quickly.

"She- someone took control of you again. Why can- how can they possess you so easily?"

"I don't know- stars- are you okay? Did I- did I hurt you?" I suppose Phantom can see the me-shaped dents in the wall, or the scuffs on my neck, or the fear I'm trying to hide, but I'm fine.

"No! They- she tried to, but no. It wasn't you."

"It was these hands." They pull away from me, taking their hands with them, but I pull them back, daring them to try to leave.

"No. Someone else's hands. Not you." I shake my head, and they stop pulling away, but I know they still feel guilty, still feel like _they_ did it. And sure, it was these hands, physically, that tried to squeeze me into nothingness, but I know Phantom, the person, my partner, was not the _person_ to do it, and I know they wouldn't ever do something like this to me.

A door opens up, and in our shock we stand there for a moment, staring down the uneven, messy corridor of doors at a Quartz, who stands equally shocked, wielding a polearm. They say nothing, but they step away from the door, meaning for us to come out.

"We're going to whoever did this to you. They.. She wants to meet us." I hesitate before adding, "She made me promise to 'behave', or she'd.. she'd crush you, somehow."

"Oh.. oh my." They blink for a moment, trying to reconcile the thought, before clapping their hands and forcing a smile. "Let's go meet our host, then, shall we?" They offer an arm, and, unable to tell if they're joking, I take it, tucking the crook of my elbow in theirs.

"Together." I nod, and we slip down the makeshift hallway to where the Quartz is waiting. I think she's an Citrine, actually. I couldn't tell from a distance. She seems incredibly nervous at the two of us together, but, still, she says nothing. She points, with her obviously-Homeworld-issued weapon, a kind of spear with an extra long pole _and_ blade, down the hall. "I guess we're going this way." Silently, we continue.

As we travel, other gems, more Citrines and Amethysts and even a Cat's Eye now and then, appear down hallways, pointing the way with more polearms, guiding us without ever speaking.

"Our hosts have certainly pulled out all the stops, haven't they? Do you suppose all the fugitives are greeted this way?" Phantoms regards the Quartzes, and I laugh. "They certainly are nervous, though. Who told them we're no fun at parties?" I snicker, and am met with a prod to the back. I whirl around, maybe a little too fiercely.

"S-s-silence!" The Citrine, the first one, says, sputtering.

"Or what?" Phantom asks. She doesn't answer, just looks bewildered and shakes her spear at us. Phantom scoffs and we continue, and we stay silent this time. There's a solid feeling to the air, though, the anxiety from the beginning spiked now. It's strange because I feel it on both sides. They're afraid of us together, but we're afraid of pushing them too far, for fear of the Elbaite's threat.

It's slightly less palpable as we arrive at a large, dome-ceiling room that looks like it could fit a Diamond. Inside, the decor is less.. minimalistic, and more like the rich, exceptional look of Homeworld. Patterns of triangles and circles in lines and waves along the walls, actual furnishings out on the floor, and a strange hanging light from the top and center of the dome. It feels achingly like 'home', or what used to feel like home. Maybe it's just nostalgia, but I feel at ease in this room.

In the center, on a.. kind of fluffy.. bench.. sits Elbaite, alone. She doesn't look up at us, but I know she's focused on us. As soon as we're solidly in the room, the Citrines slam the door shut.

"What was that about?" Phantom asks me in a hush.

"I don't-"

"They're not sure who to be more scared of, and they want to get as far away from here as possible. Which isn't very far, seeing as we're on a ship.." Elbaite says, sighing. "You should be able to tell that, though, Fluorite. Is this not one of your powers?" FInally she looks up. She seems so tiny on that.. seat. In this room. Compared to us. She's probably half my size, so I can't imagine how small she seems to Phantom, a head taller than I.

"I suppose I was hoping for a second opinion."

"On what? Someone else's thoughts that only _you_ can hear?"

"I don't- I'd rather not read everything." Phantom says, uncomfortable. I want to somehow put myself in between them and her, but I can't interject or threaten or scowl when I don't know quite what they're talking about. I mean, yes, obviously they're talking about their mind-reading abilities, but I feel like there's an insinuation behind each of their words, or something that one of them's hiding. I don't understand the situation, so I don't feel comfortable trying to engage, even on Phantom's behalf..

"Why, when it benefits you to know everything about your enemy?" She asks, pointedly.

"I don't like to." They say stubbornly. I know that's not entirely true. They dislike hearing specific things, but they use their power whenever they can to benefit us.

"You're focusing on someone else. You don't care about the.. the enemy." She reads, a familiar distant look in her eyes. Her eyes flicker over to me and Phantom stiffens. "You're focused on making sure _she's_ okay. Why? You can see that she is." They blush, embarrassed, but I'm not sure why.

"Not always, not on.. the inside." It takes me a moment to realize they mean emotionally, mentally. I flush a bit myself, happy they've been thinking of me.

"I.. I don't understand. She's functional, isn't she? Isn't that all that matters?" Elbaite's voice has a slight whine to it. For some reason, that scares me, and I edge closer to Phantom, confused myself.

"Of course not. For one thing, if a functional form was all anyone cared about, I doubt I'd be in quite this position myself. For another, the mind greatly impacts _everything_ the form can do, so of _course_ the form isn't all that matters."

"Phantom.." I whisper. "They.. they work by sort of.. overriding the minds of other gems. They force you to do what they want.. of course the minds aren't.. important to them." Despite my quiet voice, Elbaite's brows furrow in response to this.

"Yes, well, forgive us if our talents aren't always so kind to the individuals we're entrusted to oversee. I'd think that a gem like _you_ would understand what it's like to be in charge of others, Grand Oversight." She sneers, the dopey, droopy sad look replaced with the edgy, angry, cold look.

"Do- do you mean me?" I squeak. Elbaite scoffs, disgusted.

"So you really have forgotten everything. Figures."

"No I haven't! Not- Not everything. I tried to be kind. I know that."

"And how do you know that? Which one were you? Can we pull up your records for this dispute? Perhaps you have a famous dissertation on kindness we can all educate ourselves on?" The way she looks me in the eye, I know she knows I don't remember my numbers. Stars, that was the first thing I forgot, and happily, then. I know I wrote, I know I was praised, but I can't remember. "So you don't know."

"I know it where it matters! I know that- that kindness and the desire to _be_ kind is what sent me away from Homeworld, and it's what led me to Phantom and it's what's led us here and it's what's gonna take us to Earth!" I yell, stepping forward.

"Careful." Elbaite interjects. "You promised to behave." I reel; how close was I to breaking that promise and putting Phantom in mortal peril?

"What do you want?" Phantom asks, hands on my shoulders, pulling me back, steadying me.

"We… I was not satisfied with how easily you were captured. I want.. to train you both. Mostly you, Fluorite. Your psychic skills are strong, but untrained, untempered.. they could put up so much more of a challenge." Briefly, the sad look is there in her eyes, but it disappears in a flash. I don't understand what this gem is thinking or feeling.

"I think I've done rather well for someone with no formal education. Have you forgotten that it was _Homeworld_ that decided I was not worth teaching? So why do you get to decide, all these years later, I suddenly am?"

"As a class of Tourmaline, even a low one, I rank higher than almost any other gem in existence. I have to, when my powers give me control over their very minds. I have the _authority_ to decide this, even for my.. my own fun and games." She sighs. "I want to fight you, want to stand victorious at the end of the day, yes, of course, but I'd very much like to do so with a bit more of a fight _from_ you, if you understand. The ease with which I could possess your form, even haltingly, is embarrassing. The Sardonyx put up more of a fight than you could, and her mind is frail and shallow compared to yours."

"Hey." I say, offended, but she ignores me.

"So I want to train you. Of course, if you decide that you don't _want_ a fighting chance against almost any enemy.. I could crush you both, here and now, and be done with it."

"But- I- we- I know for a fact that White Diamond wants to see me before-" Phantom tries to object.

"Damn what White Diamond wants. Out here, in the middle of deep space where no Diamond would ever travel, my words are law. If I say that you are too dangerous to be kept, even bubbled, and have you destroyed, then even the Diamonds will understand. _This_ is my authority, given to me and my kind _by_ them." Though small and dwarfed by the largesse of the room and the furniture, she is in every other way the image of an all-ruling Empress, in total command of her power. She could crush us and never lift a finger, never disturb the resting place of her twin braids. I don't think I've felt quite this small before.

"So, heroes, what is your answer?" She asks, and ducks her head down. In a way, this is a kind of respect. She's allowing us to make an answer hopefully uninfluenced by her own will. Phantom and I look at each other.

We both know we're out classed here. She had victory over us in minutes- a defeat we've never been able to boast before. She has all the power, all the forces on this ship, our own included, behind her. We don't really have a choice, do we?

"We say.. when do you want to start? And what will you have us do?" Elbaite relaxes, the image of the all-ruling Empress disappearing gently into something more.. personable. If only slightly.

"Excellent. We start now. They're trying to rebuild your rooms right now, so there's nowhere else for you to go. We'll start with the basics. I want you to bring Sardonyx here, with your mind."

Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY:

"I'm not sure I understand or approve of this treatment." I say to the Tourmaline, watching the interactions in what she has called 'the entertainment room'. I'm not sure how the room itself is entertaining, nor how what's going on in the room is meant to be either.

"It's not really up to you, now is it?"

"Actually, it kind of is. Eight years ago I was given solitary command over everything regarding them, their actions, the information released about them, and their treatment when captured." I remind her. She read the briefs. She _knows_ I own them. I mostly think the last part is so that I'm allowed to thoroughly torture them when I do catch them, should I ever manage to keep them.

"But you're just a silly little Pyrope, aren't you?" She giggles, tilting her head this way and that. "I still outrank you in everything else. By far. Decimated, you might say."

"I wouldn't."

"Ha. So what about their treatment do you not like? Is it not kind enough? The Sardonyx is awfully prefixed with _kindness_."

"I don't care about nonsense like that! They need to be _contained_ , not given special tutorship." I disparage. "This is ridiculous! How can you possibly think this is the Diamonds' will?" At this, she turns to me, a gleam in her eyes from the screen. She looks wild. Feral.

"It's not _about_ the Diamonds or their wills or desires. It's about _mine_. You heard what I had Elbaite say. Out here, I might as well be a Diamond myself, especially considering the gift I'm delivering to one myself. And right now, _my will_ is that the Fluorite experiment be taught how to use its powers to put up a decent fight. I want to conquer it."

"I don't see how this will benefit the Empire." I point out, still uncomfortable, maybe more uncomfortable, with the look in her eyes. Every commanding officer takes oaths to ensure that their actions promote, lead to, or directly cause growth or improvement to the whole. The details of what's beneficial and how to go about it are loose, of course, but still. I don't understand how this could possibly be spun as beneficial. This just seems like gross and selfish manipulation to me.

"Think of it this way. I am on the Empire's side. They are not. If I defeat them at their most powerful, it proves that I, and by extension Homeworld, are, were, and always will be supreme. It's an experiment. A wager." She shrugs, gaily. She doesn't care.

"A gamble."

"Exactly." She waves her hand, dismissively. She does that a lot.

"It's never safe to _gamble_ with those two. They defy odds." I grumble. How many times have I or others met them on the battlefield, _assured_ to win but lost anyway?

"Good. I secure them. Let's see if they can defy _me_." And she laughs, then, like her joke is the most perfect thing in creation. I sit back in the chair, unused to the plushy, sinking material. I watch the 'training' going on behind the screen, and I wonder how long it'll take them to get out of this one. It's certainly the most interesting scenario they've gotten themselves stuck in, but that's not really saying much for them either.

I wonder when Tourmaline is going to realize that I'm not going to help her when she ultimately fails.


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19: The Wrong Face

Sardonyx:

This 'training' is endless. I honestly have no clue how long we've been doing this, how much time has passed, but it feels like we've been trapped here forever. Elbaite and Phantom are constantly discussing, arguing, fighting one way or another. It's hard to watch them go at it, sometimes. I want to join in when Phantom is struggling, when they need assistance, but I have no power to give to them. I can't give them my strength.

The worst part about watching is that I can do nothing. And not just in the sense of an inability to help or contribute, but Elbaite commanded that 'should I move without being told, the training will end and so will we'. It's been a small hell to sit so still for however long it is that we've been here, which is probably making all this seem like it's taking so much longer as well.

Phantom collapses again, exhausted, all twenty or so objects they were moving in a specific but confusing pattern fall to the floor, and it takes everything in me not to jump up to help them. The first time I tried that was the last. Elbaite, for all her usual mild-mannered nature, has a very short temper, though I suspect that may be the second Tourmaline ghosting her. I'm still not sure on that. I haven't been able to talk to Phantom about it either.

"Get up." Elbaite commands, floating on a broken piece of chair, dainty as ever. She's using her tired voice, the one that sounds the most like 'her'. "Get up, Fluorite."

"I can't.. please, I can't. I'm out, that's it. We've been going for three days. I have.. I have nothing left to give." They gasp, looking up at her and then briefly at me. "I can't.."

Elbaite floats there, seeming to debate with herself for a moment before sighing.

"Very well. We can't very well have you trying to work at 'zero', can we? I'll have a Citrine escort you to a place where you can rest." She snaps, and instantly the door is open, the Citrine comes marching in, saluting. "Take the Fluorite to the core."

"What, now? Alone?" They protest, but their shaking limbs can't put any power behind the argument. They can't even stand.

"Carry them if you must." She waves a hand, and the Citrine nods and promptly swipes Phantom over her shoulder.

"Wait just a moment now- What about Sardonyx-?" They yell before they're out the door, gone in a flash of resealing door. I blink. I didn't have a chance to think about moving. Have I been sitting here so long that I've gone stiff?

"They've got a point, though. What are we to do about you?" Elbaite says, floating to the floor. "I did say I'd train you both, but I actually have nothing to offer you." I remain silent. I'm not sure what to say or quite what to think. "Cat's Eye got your tongue? I don't really blame you." She says, hushed.

"I'm not.. I don't know what to do." I say candidly. This applies both to the larger situation as well as the one immediately at hand.

"I can take you back to your room. The cell. If you'd like to be alone."

"I.. I want to be where Phantom is." I shake my head.

"I understand. They're going to need to rest a while. They will be returned to you when.. when they're done in the core. You could remain here until then, but we'll just move you to that room when that happens anyway." I find myself believing her, that perhaps my small moment of honesty earned something in return. I know I shouldn't trust her, but I find myself wanting to. "And I'm sure you'd like to move. I made you sit for three and a half days."

"..Alright. Are you going to cuff me?" I ask, already offering my wrists, but she shakes her head.

"There's no need. You won't do anything." She says, and it's a command, a compulsion. "You wouldn't want to put your partner in danger." She says this, and it's a statement of fact. No, of course I don't want to do that. "Sorry. Come along." Elbaite ducks behind her bangs, heading out. I follow, but I sense that this much is my free will, still. Her compulsion would only take effect if I were to, say, escape, or directly attack her or someone else.

"Why are.." I start to ask, trailing behind her, but I stop.

"You can talk to me. There's nothing else to do. I can't promise an honest answer, but I'm sure you expected that much." When I stay silent, she looks over her shoulder, not stopping. "You won't get in trouble, I promise. We don't break our own rules here. I said you can speak, so you can until told otherwise."

"Why are you treating us this way? Almost.. hospitably? Like we're.. not enemies. We're still your prisoners, and you could.. you could do much worse." I ask, tilting my head back in query.

"Well, I suppose it's because, for the moment, we aren't really enemies. We will be again, unfortunately, but for now our interests align. I train your Fluorite for battle, your Fluorite takes my tutelage to keep you both alive. When our interests fail to align, we have our battle, one side will be fighting for glory, and the other for life. Until then.. why be cruel? I don't see the point."

"That's an interesting thought." I reply, unsure what else I can say. I feel compelled to speak, a latent effect of her being, but I guess being in a room with her for three days has built up my immunity for that much, at least.

"Is it?"

"I, well, I had never stopped thinking of you as 'enemy'. Still don't. We're acting reasonably, sure, but.. we're your captives. No matter how you look at it, we're prisoners here."

"I suppose so. Have we been terrible?"

"What?"

"Have we been terrible captors? I know so little about your exploits, I wonder how we rank amongst them for you. I heard you once held two ships together by sheer strength, by yourself. Is this a true story?"

"I think so. I don't remember all of everything we've done, but.. that feels like something I've at least tried." She's quiet, so I think about the first question. "I guess.. there's definitely been a lot worse as far as treatment goes. You've been almost kind. Considering how easily you could end everything, this treatment feels almost respectful. As in.. awed respect, not basic respect as an individual being. If that makes any sense. I'm really not sure about your motives, though. You say you want Phantom and I to fight you again, and put up a real challenge, but you seem so.. loathe to actually do it. You sound regretful whenever you mention it."

"Maybe that's because I don't want to do it." She murmurs, but I hear her. "I know you suspect us. I haven't told Tourmaline yet."

"So there is another one!"

"Yes." She sighs again. "Please, no more questions. We're almost there." I open my mouth to continue, but her compulsion stops me. I sigh raggedly and just follow. That's all I can do for now. All I'm _allowed_ to do. Still, it's better than being tossed around or yelled at, so I thank Elbaite, silently, for that much.

Phantom:

I try to fight my way off the backside of the Citrine, but everything I attempt is weak and falls lightly on her form. She just trots along, surprisingly careful of me, with no care or worry as to my pathetic blows. Failing to escape, I try to center my mind on Sardonyx, to at least assure she'll be okay, but even that is hazy and falters, fizzling out on me. I wonder if this was their goal. To so thoroughly exhaust me in 'training' that when they really tried to off me, I'd be able to do absolutely nothing.

If so, they succeeded. I am utterly useless now. And even if not, if the Elbaite was being straightforward when she said she wanted to fight us properly again, I'm still not sure what heading to 'the core' will do. It takes me days, weeks, sometimes, to recover. I did notice in her training that I was _more_ effective than normal, but the extra boost was not enough to make up for the sheer amount of power we were using constantly. I'm not sure how she was able to maintain herself, honestly. Surely even a gem like her has limits?

"If I promise not to fight or struggle, can we please not keep going with me over your shoulder?" I eventually ask the Citrine. It's kind of embarrassing. Kind of incredibly embarrassing. She laughs softly, an edge of malice to it. I take it that's a no. I sigh and just try to focus on something more productive, or anything at all, really.

While it's nice to not be fighting for my life, trying to turn shapes inside out or turn things on an axis while bending them at another or what-have-you, I miss Sardonyx. We get separated fairly often, but not quite like this. This is truly over our heads. I still have faith that one of us will find a way out of it, but that faith as of yet is doing little to curb my anxiety on the distance being put between us. I know she's been uncomfortable, unable to move or speak this whole time, and anxious because of it it. I suspect Elbaite did that on purpose, knowing that Sardonyx being on edge would put _me_ on edge, and give me another thing to focus on while also performing her insane tests and trials.

I hope Sardonyx is alright. I don't like being this far from her on an enemy ship, with that damn threat hanging over her head. We're both so used to moving freely, both literally and more figuratively, that this new confinement is chafing to both of us. I'm certain it's worse for her, however. Despite the heartily more positive nature of the past several years, I haven't forgotten what containment is like. 'Prisoner' is an old role I still know how to play. She's never had to live quite like this.

We've been captured, sure, but she's always broken free immediately, or very quickly. There've been times she's even let herself stay 'captured' to get something we need, but she always knew she had the upper hand, then. Here, we know we're outmatched. This is a true imprisonment.

My thoughts are interrupted when we enter another cavernous room. Most of the ship appears to be hallways and corridors connecting to small storage rooms, save for the large room Elbaite had us in and the containment cell we started out in. This is somewhere in between the two. It's a cavernous, domed room, but it's not refined or decorated in anyway. It's purely functional in design. The center of the room is a glowing orb that pulses without rhythm. I can _feel_ the energy inside it, without even trying. Is this what Elbaite meant by the core?

The Citrine dumps me unceremoniously on the floor. I don't much appreciate being dropped on my face, but there's still nothing I can do about it. I slowly sit up, groaning. Everything is stiff and mildly unresponsive- a side-effect of using up so much energy at once.

"And where are you going?" I bark at the Citrine as she starts to walk away. She shrugs, half stopping.

"I was told to bring you here. Not to stay or anythin'." She shrugs again, and continues on her way.

"Well great." I mumble to myself. I lay back underneath the core, and focus on the warmth and energy that comes out from it. Is this the source of the ship's power? I've never seen or felt anything like it.. and it is incredibly rejuvenating.

"Do you know why that is?" Elbaite's voice calls out from some shadowy corner. I sit up swiftly.

"Where is Sardonyx, if you're here?"

"Back at your cell, waiting for you. Answer the question. Do you know why you feel that way?" She walks out of the darkness, a tiny smile on her face, gesturing with an open palm to the glowing core.

"I don't. Obviously it's some sort of power source or storage but.. it's not containing it very well." I look between her and the core.

"Well, that's part of it. The real reason is how we gems work. Do you know where we get our energy from?"

"Sardonyx once told me our gems, our physical gems, sort of filter out different kinds of energy all around us, but she couldn't elaborate more than that." Elbaite tsks.

"She's not wrong, but it's a gross oversimplification. Understandable, given that she can't even remember her _name_ , but regrettable all the same."

"Hey, now! She's doing her best! She's given me more of an education than anything or anyone else ever tried to! And no one really likes having _numbers_ for a _name_ , so-" She zippers my mouth shut with a wave of her hand.

"I don't really care, Fluorite." She walks closer while I try to pry my lips apart. "Let me give you a fuller lesson, then, since you care so much for your _education_. It's true that we filter in energy from the universe around us to power our own selves. We're created with an initial and set amount, and that set amount is usually the most we can ever contain or use at a single moment. You were created, albeit accidentally, with an enormous amount of energy. Perhaps caused by the extra gem growths? Who knows? I don't, and I don't really care, either.

I, too, was created with an enormous amount of energy, but it was quite purposeful in my case. Tourmalines are meant to lead infallibly, almost as perfectly as a Diamond. We have the ability to enhance and possess the powers of others to make impossible things possible." She smiles, but the coldness in her gaze almost gives me shivers.

"And.. and what does that have to do with the core? Or how our gems work?"

"A good question. You are a bright pupil. It's a shame you're.. well, you. Had you been a Tourmaline, or even a regular Fluorite, you would have been indispensable to the Empire and the Diamonds. But, to answer your question, it goes like this:

Different gems take in and use different amounts of different kinds of energy. It's hard to say in your case, but given that your main power is that of mental powers, I think it's this variation of radiation we have contained here that powers you most. It's common in a small amount of older stars, that is to say, not very common at all. It's the same power that fuels us the most, too. However, because you can translate pure mental thoughts and desires and energies into physical, _kinetic_ energy, it takes up much more energy much more quickly. It's likely that your gem is having to compensate with alternative, less personally effective energies, since the suns you wantonly pass by are almost guaranteed _not_ to be producing this specific radiation, and _thus_ it takes you so long to normally recover.

The reason you feel so _revived_ is because for the first time you have access to the kind of energy you use the most." She explains, looking down at me. It takes me a moment to remember that she can only loom over me because I'm on the floor, still. "And I am allowing you to feel this. My _grace_ gives you this time of recovery. Nothing else." She smiles, that small, sneaking smirk growing into a grimace of a grin. "Any questions?"

I shake my head. I have a million questions, but none of them seem worth uttering aloud. I think that, if I were to ask even the smallest of them, she'd shatter the ship in a fit of madness.

"Good. A Citrine will take you back to your containment room." She says, waving over her shoulder, already half in the shadows again. "Remember to behave, Fluorite." And then she's gone. Still, I wait until I feel her energy, her strange multiplicity, a fair distance away before I move. I pat myself down, feeling dirty for having sat on the floor for so long, even though I know Homeworld ships are always pristine. It's an old habit from living on a ball of dirt for so long.

The Citrine, the same from before, comes to collect me. "Come along, Fluorite." I frown, but come forward.

"My name is Phantom." I grumble, and the Citrine laughs and pushes me down the hall. Part of me wants to show her how large a mistake this is by shoving her halfway down the hall myself, but I decide against it. Let it be an even bigger surprise later.

Sardonyx:

The cell is different now. It's the same shape and size, minus the glass divider down the middle. Same unmarked, undecorated gray-white walls, floors, and ceilings. No, the difference is that there's two now.

I can see it. One of the walls is half-replaced with the same thick glass as before, from about my waist up, and it faces the other. I presume that Phantom will go in the other one, since I'm in here. I tried to protest to Elbaite, but her compulsion hadn't worn off or been released, so my pantomime waving of arms went unsuccessfully, with me, into the right cell. Once inside, I felt her command leave me, so I went to the window. She stood outside, looking up at me, sadly..

" _What is going on? You didn't say it'd be like this!" I pound a fist on the glass._

" _I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it this way. Your Fluorite will return to you shortly." She turns to walk away and I grit my teeth. Before I can stop myself, I yell:_

" _They're not 'mine'! And they aren't 'Fluorite'. Their name is Phantom Fluorite. Phantom." She stops, and comes back._

" _What.. what is the point of telling me this? It changes nothing of your situation, nor is it inciting or offensive in a way that might call me to action, to make a mistake."_

" _Well.. it was offensive to me. How you seem to think Phantom belongs to me, in an 'ownership' kind of way. They don't. And- and they're not like any other Fluorite that ever existed, and were never treated like one either, so- so I call the Phantom. To differentiate them, but.. but in a positive way, I guess. I'm not actually sure." She looks at me, for the first time, without the deafening sadness or the chilling malice. She seems just curious, just interested._

" _I think I understand." She looks down at her hands for a moment. "You are.. a good partner to them. They, they try to be good to you. Why are you like this?"_

" _What?" I blink. "I- what point is there in being partners if we aren't nice to each other? What's the point of survival if it isn't pleasant or we hate each other? Which we don't, by the way. I'm actually incredibly fond of them. Well, I don't think it's incredible, quite, but it is something kinda magical. Ah, anyway. Why do you care? Are you just going to use that against us like everyone else tries to?"_

" _No, no, I hadn't- I actually hadn't thought of that." She says, pulling on one of her massive twin braids. I've never seen her do that before, either. "I just.. I wondered what it's like to.. to enjoy the company of the gem you're.. bound to." She says, hushed and tired and sad again._

" _I- I don't understand." She doesn't answer. "Do- Do you mean the other one? Why wouldn't you like them? Are they unkind to you? Are you okay?"_

" _No. Hush, now. You don't need to worry about me. I'm your enemy, remember? You should focus on getting you and your partner out of here. Before.. before.." She shakes her head and walks away, a bitter, unhappy look on her face. "Don't try to escape. Not yet." She says, and it's a command, and I slide down the glass to the floor._

" _Damn it." I mutter, and weakly tap a fist against the ground. It's all I can do again._

It's quiet for a long time after that. I sit on the back wall, so I can watch out the window for Phantom's return. I hum a tune I can only half remember, and I improvise the half I can't remember. This, at least, keeps me entertained while I wait. I struggle not to think about Elbaite and what she accidentally revealed. She confirmed a second Tourmaline's existence on this ship, and I can guess which mood isn't her own, but her implication, the accidental part of our talk, that this Tourmaline was not a _good_ partner makes me uneasy. If she's indecent to her own partner, what does she have in store for us?

I also feel a bit sick, worrying about Elbaite herself. But, like she said, we're not on the same team here. We're part of the rebellion, she's a loyal Homeworld gem, faithful to her Diamonds and the Empire. Why am I so worried about her when there's no hope of her helping or joining us?

But I guess that's not entirely true, is it? She's expressed, a couple times at least, sorrow for having to do this. She doesn't want this. She is.. possibly sympathetic to our treatment, if not our cause. She, when she is in control of herself, is as gentle as possible. She could be much more cruel, and Homeworld would accept it. And she has been, but I'm very nearly sure that this 'mood' is really her partner ghosting her. But why not reveal herself? Why work through another gem exclusively?

I shake my head. Some mysteries can't be solved. I should focus on getting us out. There's nothing I can _do_ right now, but that doesn't mean I can't start planning.

Unfortunately, I have no ideas. Perhaps after some more 'training' we can try to stage an escape, but I don't know this ship's make, I don't know how to get around on it without a guide, so I can't try to find or prep a getaway ship. Maybe Phantom won't have a compulsion on them, and they'll be able to get me out. Then again, I have no idea how detailed Elbaite's compulsion on _me_ is. Did she mean the room or the ship? If Phantom gets me out, will I be free to run then, or will I find myself compelled to stay right here? Would they have to carry me? Would I be able to help at all?

Suddenly, Phantom and a Citrine are in front of the window. The Citrine wordlessly pushes Phantom into the second room, but not before they can catch a glimpse of me in here. I rush to the glass to see them more closely, if nothing else.

"Hey, now!" They say, hands pressed on the glass. Their voice is severely muffled and distorted. "Excu-" Their voice warps and fades into nothing as the Citrine plays with a setting on the wallscreen outside. I see Phantom mouth something, and pound on the glass, but the Citrine smirks and walks away. Phantom snarls and yells a few things after them, but they talk so fast that I can't tell what exactly they're saying, but it's fair to say none of it's pleasant. I'd laugh if I weren't so disconcerted about not hearing them.

"Hey!" Phantom turns in response, a short, sharp look. They say something like 'yes?', if I can read their lips right. "Can you hear me?" They say a lot very quickly, seeming upset and confused. I don't wait for them to finish. "Wait, wait, wait- I can't- Phantom listen, I can't hear _you_!" They stop, and their mouth makes an 'O', like they suddenly understand. They look down, thinking, but they quickly look up at me, at a loss. "Do you know what's happening? Or what's going to happen? Elbaite- I think she said something about resting here for a while, but I don't- I don't remember." Phantom shrugs, shaking their head. "Do you have any ideas? She compelled me not to try anything, or else I'd break us out now." Again they shake their head, with a visible sigh. They put a hand on their head and close their eyes, thinking. They pace, a habit of theirs for when they need to solve a big problem, though usually in relation to one of our creative projects.

They're like this for a while, but when they circle around for the twentieth time, they throw their hands out, shrugging.

"That's okay. I'm sure we'll find an opportunity somewhere. Maybe we'll just have to fight our way through, in the end. We can do that.." I know it's hopeless if it comes to that, though. We're still severely outmatched. Phantom smiles anyway and nods. "You seem better, though. Where'd they take you?" Phantom smiles wider at this, and goes to explain, but then realizes I can't hear them. "Sorry. You can tell me later! When you can talk again!" They nod, but they're obviously unhappy with having to wait. They start to pace again, but more in an 'idle' way. They just don't want to stand still, saying and doing nothing.

"I miss you." I mumble, after a time of watching them. They stop, turn their head. They point from their chest to me. I take this to mean 'me too'. "It's weird, because, you're right there. I can see you. I can't exactly hear you, but I know you're there. And you're not that far. But it feels like.. feels like we haven't been together in a long time, even though they've kept us fairly close together. It could be worse, I guess." Phantom nods. "We'll get out of this, right? We can- we can make it out of this, r-right? Like, sure, there's.. there's no hope right now, but we'll find a way. Won't we?" My voice cracks, and I bite my lip. Phantom's at the glass, hands soundlessly tapping on the pane. They look fit to cry too.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so.. scared. I just miss you, I guess. I _am_ worried, but not that much, really. I know we'll be okay. We will." I try to smile, but I can't seem to make my face not frown. Then Phantom smiles, and I find a way to smile back.

We'll find a way out.


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20: Two-Faced

Phantom:

They leave us alone for a day. We try to entertain each other. We play a game Sardonyx calls 'Phantomime', where she gives me a prompt, I think of something specific relating to that prompt and try to act it out such that she can guess it. It's surprisingly effective as a form of escapism.

We're almost completely startled when Elbaite comes back, that day later, with a Citrine. Almost.

"So, having fun? Should we extend your stay?" She half-jokes, but it falls flat on Sardonyx and I. "I think you've had plenty of time to recover. It's time for you to continue." She addresses me, before turning to Sardonyx. "And you'll be happy to know we found something for you to do as well. My Citrine will train with you for the foreseeable future."

"Surely you know I've taken down bigger than your Citrine. No offense to you, Citrine. We've been doing this a while." She replies, smiling awkwardly at the Citrine as she apologizes. Citrine scoffs and looks away.

"Of course. But that's not the point. Like with Phantom Fluorite, our aim is to refine the skills you already have, not start over or presume you don't know. Citrine will take you to a training room for yourselves. She has three rules: No disassembling, no talking beyond training, and no gem-directed attacks. Everything else is up to you two. You may go." She dismisses Citrine, who salutes, and opens up Sardonyx's door. "And you may not attempt escape still. Behave." Sardonyx groans but nods, following the Citrine away. She waves goodbye to me with a small, almost-hopeful smile, and I wave back. Then she's gone.

Elbaite is silent for a moment, and we both sense them walk down the hall quite a ways before she fiddles with something out of sight on the wall.

"You may speak now, Phantom." She announces, coming back in front of my window.

"And what should I say?"

"A fair question. You might ask about our training."

"Very well. What are we doing today?" I roll my eyes. She speaks so dramatically and in such round-about ways.

"I believe we managed to refine your kinetic abilities as much as I can help you do so. My primary skill is not in those abilities. If you want to continue improving, you'll have to apply what tests I've given you so far in your own way, or likely find new ones. Today we will attempt to have you perform what is my specialty."

"Attempt to?" I ask.

"You struggle to project your thoughts, yes? It's a rare occurrence and you've only ever managed to project them to your partner, Sardonyx. It may not be possible for you perform a full possession, but you may at least learn to ward one off. Even your Sardonyx could do this on instinct. It is unusual that you, the psychic one, would fall victim so easily." We're silent for a moment. I suspect she wants a response. I sigh and turn away, thinking.

"Actually, I'm not too surprised." I admit.

"Why is that?"

"Sardonyx is just.. special. She's got a fire in her I don't understand. She's defiant and determined and can be oh-so-very angry."

"She's the gentlest thing I've ever come across." Elbaite sounds unsure.

"Most of the time, she is. I'd say her compassion and her anger are her two most defining traits, and they come from the same place, but you'd never know unless you were one of us." I look over my shoulder, feeling a touch dramatic myself. "You haven't seen her angry yet, have you?" She shakes her head.

"I don't think so. Perhaps an approximation of anger. Should I?" Elbaite tilts her head, half curious.

"Not if you can help it. I wouldn't be caught on the other side of it for Homeworld's signed resignation from the war. No way." I shudder despite myself. She is a fearsome monster when she needs to be, but at least I get to say she's _my_ fearsome monster.

"Well, that explains, in a way, why she was able to resist.. me. Why weren't you?"

"I'd rather not say." I look back at the wall.

"I see. Well. I suppose that's what we can use today." I hear her say before the door opens. "Come with me." She commands. Forced to obey, I walk behind her as we head back to the domed room. We left it in quite a state last time, though.

"What do you mean 'use'?" She doesn't answer, and her silence says that I'll find out soon enough. I sigh gratingly, and cross my arms defiantly. I realize that we're walking alone. "What, no guard escort today?"

"I know that you know that if I need to I can still possess and destroy both you and Sardonyx. I trust that you won't do something so incredibly stupid that makes it necessary I do that." Elbaite replies with a bite.

"Touchy today, aren't we? The power trip from last time wore off? Do you really feel the need to assert yourself over me so soon?" I prod with a bite of my own. I may have to follow her, but she hasn't yet commanded me to be silent or _nice_.

"What?" She asks at first, looking at me queerly, then her eyes widen. "Oh, of course. No, I-" She shakes her head, her braids wiggling down her back. "I don't want to have to ruin our hard work, my investment, before it's due time. That's all. Please, be quiet until we arrive." It's not quite a command, not quite a compulsion, but the tone in her voice, that quiet, familiar desperation, has me decide not to fight it just to be rude. I nod, mostly to myself, and follow quietly.

An Amethyst is waiting for us. She salutes briefly and opens the door with a couple taps and a swipe. Elbaite dismisses her with a nod, and she scurries away. I catch her staring at my face, my _gem_ , before she disappears around a corner.

"She doesn't mean to be rude." Elbaite says, almost apologizing as she ushers me inside.

"I know. It doesn't stop it from being rude, or dredging up old memories." I grouse, ducking into the domed room. It's cleaned up a bit from last time, or at least the old furniture, destroyed beyond recognition, has been replaced.

"Fair." Elbaite says. "Let's start with a test of what you learned last time. I want you to invert the air in this room, crossfading across the center line we established." She dictates as she walks to the center of the room. I close my eye and feel all the air in the room, every molecule that makes up the vague gas that is 'air', and start to move them. I pull those from the far side and 'trade' them out for those on the near side, using a dividing line somewhere in the middle, horizontally through the room, as the focus. The air converges across this line, momentarily causing a vacuum as all the gas is confined to this small space, almost visible, and then it spreads out to its new place. Elbaite said this was a test of dexterity and minute control. I never would have thought to try to manipulate _air_ on my own, but it's certainly helped improve my overall control of matter.

"Very good. Now rearrange the molecules in this chair." She points to a chair that's little more than a glorified stool, and I lift it, feeling the overall structure of it before honing in a particular arrangement of its molecules. I can feel the bonds between them, keeping it together in this specific shape. By adding energy or taking it away, I can change the nature of those bonds, destroying them. I pluck at them, sapping their strength, and they snap, and half the chair falls away to sand.

"Good. That was easier for you this time, was it?"

"Yes." It was much easier. I can only begin to imagine the ways this could be used, both to build and destroy in the blink of an eye.

"Your control is much more accurate now. I can only guide you so much in this regard. As I said earlier, if you want to continue to improve, it's up to you to practice." I nod, but I wonder when she thinks I'll be able to 'practice'. By everyone's assumptions, we're still likely to die before I get the free time to give it a go. "So we're moving. Your mind gives in easily to my invading mind. It's pathetic. Resist me." She says, and suddenly, viciously, she's here in my mind.

Like static she billows out into my form, claiming my personage for her own, grabbing up bits of me, saying 'mine, mine'. Before I can do anything about it, she's everywhere, she's in me, she _is_ me.

I gasp when she lets go, my form returned to me.

"Pathetic, Phantom Fluorite. I said to _resist_ me."

"How? How am I supposed to resist?" I ask, earnest and angry, embarrassed. Elbaite enjoys teaching, and I am a student who asks questions, at least, but the way she lures them out is cruel.

"Build a wall around your mind, around your thoughts, around your _you_. When you feel an intrusion, you throw it up larger, bigger, stronger. What does it feel like when I invade?" She asks, curious.

"Like static. A wave of consuming static." I glare.

"Build a wall, Phantom. Resist." Elbaite says, and I feel her invading again, although slower. I can feel it spread from around my gem and down my body, but she gives me time to resist. In my mind I try to build a wall, to force it back, but the static rolls over my attempts as though I hadn't done anything at all. I can feel her mind swamping mine, but she pulls back before she takes over completely.

"Better, but not good enough. Your wall was flimsy. You must think of it as infallible. _You_ must be infallible against me. You must act with total assurance that you _will_ be victorious, or it will fail. Now, again." She doesn't wait to try again, though she takes over even more slowly. From what I can see, this is a struggle for her to be slow as much as it is a struggle to stop her for me. I throw up a wall and then another and another and I push them together before her. I feel the static roll against them, stopped at first, but it brings just the slightest bit more force and I crumble. I'm hers.

I reel with dizziness as she releases me.

"Alright. That's going nowhere fast. We'll start smaller." She grates, disappointed. "Resisting compulsion will be easier in some ways and harder in others. It works by projecting a field that encourages you to talk, to pass on information. It syncs with our voices. When we make a command, you cannot help but obey because of this field. It interrupts your ability to say or decide 'no'. Like with possession, you'll need to build a wall of resistance against this.

The interesting part is that Sardonyx could not fully resist this. She struggled to _not_ talk when I gave my full command. She did, however, manage to shatter the glass divider while resisting me."

"Did she? That explains the mess when I woke up."

"Indeed. Now, you asked what I meant by 'use' earlier, in regards to your unwillingness to talk." She falls quiet, a bitter look on her face. She avoids looking me in the eye as I realize what she means.

"You wouldn't?" I ask, very fearful.

"I wouldn't.. but it's not up to me." She turns to look at me, and I can feel her command coming. "Resist me. Tell me about yourself." The air rings with a thickness and a clarity as I feel her command sink into me.

"W-well, what- what do you want to, to know?" I blurt out, managing only to dodge for the moment. There is no relief from the pressure of the command.

"Why can't you resist me?" She asks, her voice like steel in my mind.

"I- I hooooonestly don't knoow-w." I say, though I grit my teeth and try to keep my lips sealed.

"A wall, Phantom. Build a wall." She commands, and then adds, "You have an idea, don't you?" I try to focus on a wall that cuts me off at the mouth. No words, no words, no words-

"Iiiii've spent a long life-" Stop, stop! "-being brok-k-ken or held-d-d-d-down by some gemmm or another." Build a wall around my mind, then, if my mouth won't do. "I th-th-think th-th-that I-" No, stop, stop, stop- "I still th-th-thi-think of mys-s-s-self as br-br-bro-" I don't want to say it I don't want to say it I don't want to say it it's not true it's not real I don't want to say it!

 _S T O P_

And just like that, I know how to push her back, force her out. And I do, with vigor. All of my being _rejects_ her, and she is thrown from me.

"Aagh!" Elbaite shrieks, shrinking back. The tug to speak disappears, dissipates. She falls back clutching at her gem, a long, thin rectangle on her thigh. I try to stop my own shaking before I approach her. She seems unharmed, but she does not seem pleased with this development.

"Are you alright?" I ask her, coming near with caution. She looks up at me with her eyes only, a strange look there, not quite the cold malice I've known before, but something _new_.

"Congratulations." She says scathingly. I pull away from her, unsure how to react. "You passed with flying colors. Now, do it again." She hisses, and I feel her launch herself at my mind again, attempting a full possession, fast and furious and relentless. I push back, now that I know how to, but it's harder now that she's coming at me with her whole force behind her. Still, I know that I _can_ resist her now, and I do.

It's a terrible push and pull, back and forth, a mental wrestle for supremacy. My sense of time dies as it goes back and forth so, everything in me rallying against everything in her. I am disappointed to say that I find myself losing mental ground, and those horrible words try to tumble out. Instead of letting them out, I just groan and fight back all the harder.

"Give in, Phantom." Elbaite snarls, but it's not quite a command. " _Give in."_ This time, it is a command. But I know I can fight it. I start to push back harder than she can, my wall of self forcing away her ocean of static, back and back and back until

Until my wall of self is out of myself, my form, in and pressed against hers. It's dizzying, being outside my own body like this, half myself and half someone else. I feel her fight against me and in my shock at the new situation, the new sense of being, I let her push me out.

I reel at being all and only myself again, and I briefly fear a second attempt at possession, but it doesn't come. Elbaite sits back on the floor across from me, and suddenly she seems every ounce of small she physically, actually is. I want to reach out to her, years of comforting Sardonyx getting the better of me, but I remember her reaction last time, and I refrain.

"You did well." She says, finally. "You can expect it won't be that easy next time. There will be no holding back." She murmurs, before looking up at me seriously. "No holding back, Phantom Fluorite."

"Is it over, then? I'm certified, trained as best as you can train me? Just like that?" I ask.

"There's really no more that I can teach you. You could practice endlessly to refine this skill, but in this area, the only decent practice you could get is on the battlefield. I'm sad to say you'll be having plenty of practice soon enough." She sighs and stands. Still shaking a bit myself, I rise as well.

"May I ask a question, then?" I press my fingers together, unsure of her mood still. Will she be sympathetic? Cruel? Some terrible mix? "Please?"

"You may." She nods, avoiding my eye.

"Why are you really doing all this? I don't believe.. that is, I don't really think fighting me, fighting _us_ is your only motivation in this. I don't understand how it could be." Here she looks at me, a bit defiant and a bit curious.

"And how do you figure this, Phantom?" She asks, daring me.

"You've been calling me by name. My given name, my chosen name." I cross my arms victoriously, smiling faintly. Elbaite tenses briefly before scoffing, shaking her head.

"Your Sardonyx kept correcting me. It was very annoying." She says flatly but I chuckle.

"We both know that isn't true, Elbaite." She sighs in response, growing sadder.

"Has Sardonyx told you her theory?" She looks up at me, tired. I shake my head. She hasn't gotten to tell me much of anything recently. "I'd hate to spoil the surprise for you, then." And we fall silent, two gems sitting awkwardly on the floor of a tattered room, soon to be enemies full and true once more.

"Would it really be so bad to tell me something, just once? You have these moments where you're almost a.. almost not an enemy, and then you hide them and your feelings away and mask them with this cruel joke. I know how masks work. They are fragile and temporary. What will you do when yours breaks?" I ask, edging closer. I can't stand the idea of not trying to know more. She does nothing, remains silent and still, thinking,

"Why, Phantom, it's almost as if you care about me." She eventually looks at me with a smile, a sad smile. It's funny how smiles are supposed to express joy, and yet here I know that there's no joy in this gem, not now, smile though there may be on her face. "If I answer your question, will you answer one of mine?"

"It's a deal." I nod solemnly. She shakes her head, looking away.

"I don't want to fight you. That's not me. But I will have to. It will not be pleasant, and it will.. likely end poorly for you. I hope not. I don't want it to. You seem decent. More than decent." She sighs. "But there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"Why?" I ask. I suddenly realize how much I tower over her. Stars, she only comes up to my thigh, the pudgy little gem. She giggles at me.

"Now, I only promised one answer, Phantom. My turn to ask a question."

"Very well."

"We both know how that sentence ends. I didn't need to ask that question of you. I.. I would like to know.. if.. if you feel differently. Now, now that.. I made you fight it." At first I don't know what she means, but it hits me like a ship crashing down on me. It's my turn to sigh.

"No. No I don't. Deep down, much deeper than it used to be, I don't think I'm.. I don't see how.. I _want_ to be what.." I keep starting and stopping, unable to say it out, to admit it. "I know what I am capable of. I am.. strong in my own, odd way. I am useful, and I can be good and kind and caring. I know these things about myself. And yet I can't seem to make these things add up to make 'me'. I still feel that.. the most 'me' thing about me is.. is what Homeworld says I am."

"Broken." Elbaite says, but it's not an accusation or a confirmation. It resonates with her, strangely, on a personal level.

"Yes. I don't want to feel that way. I don't.. logically I know that.." I lose the words again, and just drop my hands to my sides.

"I'm sorry." She says, and I look down at her with a mild degree of shock. "I am sorry. That, that you feel this way." She looks at her hands. "And for what must come next."

"And what _must_ come next?" I ask, unable to hide some of my bitterness at her resignation. Doesn't she hold the power here? Why _must_ she do this?

"Let's.. practice. Practice your telekinesis." She tries to command, to compel, but she knows I don't have to obey now. Nevertheless, I realize that the longer we 'train', the longer we're guaranteed to live, so I decide to go along with it.

Thus we try to waste the better part of the day performing inane, ridiculous tests, seeing what I can do, no matter how impractical it may be. I attempt a compulsion, but Elbaite says she feels nothing, and the thought is quickly abandoned. I learn to project my thoughts more clearly, but this takes very little time as well. In the end, I am not even vaguely tired. When we can no longer think of experiments to attempt, Elbaite sighs.

"What now?" I ultimately ask. She looks deep in thought, then closes her eyes.

"We'll do this again tomorrow."

"What?"

"We will do this again tomorrow." Her voice is like a backhand.

"No, I _heard_ you perfectly fine. What do you _mean_?" I ask, confused.

"It means what I said. You lack control. Your strength needs further refining. Perhaps I cannot guide you perfectly, but your skills obviously need further guidance of some kind. We will return tomorrow." She says, eyes hard. "You are _disappointing_ in your current state." Her voice is like steel again, cutting through me. I hadn't fancied myself in her good graces, or even a subject of pride, but I feel misled and _betrayed_ by this. She motions to the door, and I turn to look at what could _possibly_ be related to our conversation there, only to be met with an Amethyst shoving _something_ on my face.

I hiss as the gooey, inky mess solidifies, molding to my gem. My far sight, as Sardonyx calls it, goes blind. I can no longer feel beyond myself; I am left with only the vision of my single eye. An inhibitor.

"What- What is this?" I growl messily, turning to face her again. My mouth feels distant and unfamiliar. The world feels kilometers away from 'me'. Elbaite stands over me. I can't read her face, and I can't read her emotions anymore. She is a stranger again.

"It's an inhibitor. It's the emergency brakes for a gem like us. I can't compel you anymore. How else can we control you?" She leaves the question without an answer, leaving me to connect the dots.

"I know what an _inhibitor_ is!" I snarl, wobbling. With just one eye and no far sight to help me navigate, my ability to balance and walk and basically _function_ is worthless, nonexistent. "I meant- Why would you do this?" I pull at the inhibitor, the external mass solid, rubbery.

"I think I've said enough. You will be returned to your cell until I decide to resume tomorrow." She gestures to Citrine, I presume, over my shoulder. She returns to the center of the room as Citrine pulls me away by the wrist, half dragging and half leading me out of the room. My mind burns at Elbaite, furious about this strange new behavior. I try to fight the Citrine, and while there is more strength in my limbs than last time, there is less coordination, and power without direction is worse than useless, it's wasted.

I take inspiration from Sardonyx, and struggle the whole way anyway.

Elbaite Facet 9D5Q Cut 7TC:

I tell myself it's for the best. They don't know it now, but they'll thank me later. Hopefully. If this terrible plan has any merit.

I retreat to what Tourmaline calls 'the nest', a safety room that can withstand even our most powerful weapons where we spend most of our time if we're not giving out orders directly. She's holed up there with the Pyrope, who she has no doubt annoyed to tears of aggravation with her incessant need to talk. I can let her chatter on for days, but can the Pyrope?

As I enter, Tourmaline stops whatever she was saying before to ask me:

"Are they ready _yet_?" She whines, playfully eager.

"No. They show promise, but it's slow going." I lie, but I know it'll be alright. She wants her game, and this wait is only making it more enticing for her.

"I am _cracking_ waiting for this! Making me promise not to spy on your sessions is making this all the more exciting! How much _longer_?" She gushes, gleeful. The Pyrope looks fit to scream at every inflection of Tourmaline's voice.

"At their rate.." I pause, thinking. How long can I get away with? What length of time will she believe that will still earn us _enough_ time? "Another week or so. It will be worth it." I add as she starts to groan, the Pyrope even rising from her seat indignantly.

"It had better be!" She snaps at me. "Honestly, why _did_ I let you talk me into this?"

"You want to prove yourself. You need worthy opponents. You gave me this task of providing them." I state with a shrug. Let her question herself.

"I suppose.." She says, losing interest. "You left the Sardonyx with a Citrine, right? Put her away and silence them both this time, let's see what they do then." She dismisses me with a wave and immediately returns to her previous conversation with Pyrope. I am gone before she can _think_ of asking to take her with me.


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter 21: Faceless

Elbaite Facet 9D5Q Cut 7TC:

Sardonyx is less than pleased when I have my favorite Citrine drag her down the hall to me, but she can do nothing more than twist and scream. She is outright furious when she sees me and realizes I not only allowed this, but _commanded_ it.

"Be still." I tell her, and she goes limp against Citrine, a ragdoll of a gem. It only turns the icy-hot furnace of her mind into a spiralling madhouse of seething rage, and it's more than enough to make me dizzy, but I trail behind them as stoically as possible. This is the only way out for them. It must be this way.

I release the command to be still as Citrine tosses her in her cell, Phantom seething themself at the window, and I renew the command not to escape on Sardonyx wordlessly. I merely watch as she, hands golden-clad with those fearsome gauntlets, presses against the window with her face twisted in a snarl. Citrine mutes her cell before she can speak, and we walk away, the silence suffocating me as their minds drown my thoughts out.

Not even fifteen minutes later, Tourmaline thinks to me, giddily,

 _Turn around. They're playing rough, Elbaite._ She giggles, and then her thoughts are gone from me. Dutifully, I do as instructed and return to the cells, somewhere just beneath and to the left of the core and engines rooms. At first, nothing seems out of the ordinary, but when we look in Sardonyx's cell, I can see the damage she's done in so little time.

Her hands still golden and pointed, she has raked her claws across every millimeter of the back wall. She smiles pleasantly and thoughtfully, as though she were simply crafting some elegant sculpture.

"Sardonyx! What do you think you're doing?" I ask, but she doesn't respond. She does a deft little twirl, dancing from one side of the cell to another. She half-turns and 'spots' us, waving faux-merrily to us. "Sardonyx!" I berate her. She holds a hand to the side of her head, implying an inability to hear. "I know you can hear me. _Respond_." I command, but to my surprise she only shrugs and returns to her work on the wall.

I command the Citrine to unmute her.

"Sardonyx. _Speak_."

"Oh, _hello_ , Elbaite, dearest. Do you like what I've done? It's much more 'me', isn't it? Don't you agree?" She asks in a singsong voice, petty and petite, arms wide in self-praise of the ruined wall.

"I believe I commanded you not to attempt escape. How are you doing this and why?" I ask with impatience and burning curiosity.

"Oh, that. Well, I'm not trying to _escape_. I'm just doing a bit of self expression. I don't have much to work with in here, and I've never really tried something like this before, but I think I'm doing just splendidly. Phantom seems to agree." She purrs. Citrine and I look back at Phantom Fluorite, and, indeed, they're clapping dramatically, on cue. They smile with a twisted pride, and though their cell has been silenced, the weight of each clap rings heavy and harsh against me. I sigh, aggravated. But I remind myself that this is important. This is what I wanted, what they _need_ to be doing.

"You will cease this 'self expression'." I command. She blinks at me, and then shrugs and smiles.

"Okay." She says, nonchalant and grinning. Then she turns in a wild spin, her claws tearing once more into the wall.

"Sardonyx!" I nearly screech. This shouldn't be possible.

"Well, you said 'that' self expression, so I started another. I can't help it if there isn't enough room in here for me to properly dance." She shrugs again, pretending to be coy.

"You may not use your weapons." I say dryly. Immediately, her gauntlets fade in a small burst of light. Still, with that look of philosophic thoughtfulness, she turns once more to the back wall and begins to peel the metal siding down with her hands. I can hear Phantom's snarky smirk in my mind without looking at them. "Sardonyx."

"Yeees?" She asks cheerfully, playfully.

"Stop." And she does. I almost smile in final victory.. But then she starts again. The metal screeches as it scrapes edge against edge. " _Sardonyx!_ " I hiss, confused and mad.

"You didn't say for how long." She says, forcing the coil of metal down to the floor, exposing wires and structural metal scaffolds, beaming all the while. I understand now. She's working _around_ the compulsions by using loopholes in my verbal commands. I'm sure it would be more amazing if it weren't utterly frustrating.

"You will cease all destruction of your cell, including everything inside as well as yourself, you will not attempt escape or assist Phantom Fluorite in escaping, and you will not summon your weapon or _speak_ until told otherwise. By me, alone." I hastily command, hoping I've covered every possibility. She nods for a moment, thinking, then opens her mouth and _screams_. The shrill is deafening. The glass _quivers_.

" _Do absolutely nothing until I permit you to._ " I nearly have to scream over her, but once the words are out, she obeys, falling to her knees on the floor, eyes wide in shock. I turn on Phantom, whose mind shakes with concern for their now catatonic partner. "And _you_ will remain as quiet and as still as she, or there will be consequences." They cringe as the full weight of my command hits them, unable to resist my compulsion, for they are like any other gem with the inhibitor on their gem. They sink to the floor, out of my sight, though I can hear the curses and woes they think at me regardless. I know they can't hear me, trapped by the inhibitor inside their own mind, but I reassure myself, at least, that this is what must be done.

I make my way back to Tourmaline and the Pyrope, tired of this farce. I almost crave the irritating, ceaseless prattling of my partner to steady me, to remind me why I'm doing this.

The interesting thing is that I really don't know why. I feel sympathy for the two fugitives, but this has been true many times before and it never drove me to help any of the gems who inspired that feeling. Maybe it's guilt for all those times I did nothing, finally catching up to me. But, no. That doesn't sound right. It may play some role, but it's not the source of this inspiration to finally _do_ something about the things I don't like.

I dismiss Citrine to rest for tomorrow's training with Sardonyx, giving her new instructions as we arrive at the 'nest'. She salutes and opens the door for me before heading off to take care of some things. I slip inside quietly, but Tourmaline notices me immediately, regardless.

"Certainly are clever, aren't they?" She remarks, a sort of snide in her voice.

"Stubborn, more like." I mumble. I admire the trait, but I need Tourmaline to believe I'm jaded against them, or at least bitter or tired. I hesitate at the door, unsure what to do. I never know what to do around her anymore. I haven't in a long time. She waves me over with a smirk and pulls me down onto the seat with her, her arms wrapping around me.

"Aw, _partner_ , are they too much for you?" She purrs into my ears, a hand running over my hair. She likes to do this for some reason, and I hate it. I hate the touch, the proximity, the _possessiveness_ of it.

"Hardly. You wanted a challenge. It just seems like I got a bit of one, too. You'll be happy when they're really ready, then." I turn my head away from her, trying to ignore her. The Pyrope seems uncomfortable with it as well, though I do my best to stay out of her head. She's our guest, and I'm not particularly fond of the way her thoughts feel, either. Still, she won't dare look in my eyes while Tourmaline has me like this, awkward and unsure of herself in this situation.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll be at least a little satisfying, dear Elbaite. You're working so hard, and keeping all their progress secret, I'm _sure_ they'll turn out just fine." Tourmaline continues to coo.

"I'd like to stress the complete stupidity of this situation at least one more time before this.. whatever is finalized. They are _very_ dangerous, and you are only serving to make them _moreso_." The Pyrope says, though she's obviously restraining herself. I don't need to be a mind-reader to see she has a _lot_ to say about this. Tourmaline, however, smiles. I know because her thoughts turn sour and wicked and mean.

"And why do I care what you _stress_?" She asks. Pyrope freezes as Tourmaline exudes a pressure that could implode the ship. "I'm starting to think you don't _trust_ me, Pyrope. That you don't trust my judgment, my _command_. My _Diamond-given right_ to command. Did you know it's awfully rude to question someone in their own home? You're not being a very good _guest_."

"I'm- I'm only-" Pyrope's first response is anger, then concern coupled with fear, but the fear only doubles as Tourmaline interrupts her.

"You're _only_ insulting the highest ranking gem in the surrounding fifteen quadrants by mistrusting her choices. A form of treason, truly. Tell me, Elbaite, how long would it take to get the Cycler up and running?" She asks, knowing the answer full well herself, expectantly tugging on my braids anyway. We haven't used it in a small while, but everyone on this ship knows how to use it, and fears it.

"About five minutes." I answer coldly. It could be faster, but it's hard even for _me_ to force a gem to rush such a thing.

"Isn't it amazing how well a ship runs when it's unified, coherent, and _trusting_?" Tourmaline smiles wider, placing a hand to her mouth in mock amazement. Pyrope stiffens, shrinking back. As she turns her eyes away from Tourmaline's, I know she's accepting defeat in this, but only because her only other option is a five-minute walk to a terrible death. She has a lot to say, and I'm sure it would be of benefit to Tourmaline, if only the damn girl would _listen_. "Amazing, truly." She sighs in victory.

"I- I do have a question." Pyrope bravely, foolishly says.

"Oh? Ask it." Tourmaline waves a hand, ever in dismissal.

"How high did you set the limiter?" Pyrope asks, looking very directly at me. I blink.

"How high? I don't know. I had my Citrine set it, but that likely means it's at its default settings, or just above."

"What are your presets?" She asks, slightly urgent. Tourmaline warns me, mentally, not to say too much.

"Without going into detail.. Just enough to stop one of _us._ " I admit. Pyrope sighs, slightly relieved. "What's so important about that?"

"I'm not allowed to talk about much.." She trails. "Confidential information." She crosses her arms, sitting back. She knows what's coming.

"Tell us, Pyrope." Tourmaline commands, forcing her power through me. Pyrope instantly sits a little straighter, eyes a little wider, gaze a little farther, her mind all but gone..

"We've only captured and placed a limiter on the Fluorite once. It managed to remove it by _completely overwhelming the system_. It's been theorized that if the settings are too low, it could and would happen again in the same situation." She speaks monotonous, dead.

"And are our proposed settings satisfactory?" Tourmaline asks.

"In theory, yes."

"Very good. I'm tired of seeing you, Pyrope. Why don't you take a walk around the ship? Why don't you take _several_?" She commands, and up the Pyrope goes, marching away, her eyes and thoughts a still void. "I was wondering how long it would take her to get fussy. She's almost as stubborn as they are."

"She doesn't have the same fire. Her stubbornness is a weakness." I say, almost without thinking.

"My, my. You _respect_ them, don't you?" Tourmaline purrs again, leaning heavily on me now. I stop myself from shuddering.

"It- it's hard not to have some amount of respect for them after coming to see what they're capable of. Perhaps you won't feel the same, but I think they are, or will be, worthy opponents." I shrug it off as unimportant, as though they were nothing to me, personally. "In the end they're just fugitives and enemies of our Empire."

"You're right, of course." She starts playing with one of my braids again, one arm wrapped around my back, the other draped across my chest. "Will you miss me? On Earth?" The question takes me by surprise, and I have to think about it. Both how I really feel, and how I want her to think I feel.

"I think so. It will be new and strange without you." I finally reply, and it's honest. For all that Tourmaline is problematic and terrible, she's been the one consistent thing in my existence from the very beginning. Ships and crews and planets and now even Diamonds have all changed for us, but we were together through it all. Finally, I'll be free of all her terrible traits, but I'll be free of her few good ones as well. I.. I hadn't thought of it that way before.

"And the joke will finally be up, huh?" She says, smiling sadly. I can feel her face pressed into my shoulder, unhappy and heavy.

"Yes. That is true, too. We.. we could always tell them the truth, you know. Be-before we get going again. Or when we arrive. There's still time to, to turn things around. For us." I try to reach out to her, emotionally, to give her support and understanding and hopefully even strength, but she recoils, mentally and physically shoving me away.

"As if!" She hisses, standing on the seat, towering over me. "I won't have it! Not a moment before I have to! How- How _dare_ you even suggest that!?" She screams, pulling hard on one of my braids, yanking my head to the side painfully. " _How?!_ "

"I'm- I'm only thinking of you!" I try to explain, but she just backhands me. It stings, just a little, but it's more the emotion behind it that hurts than the actual strike.

"If you were thinking of _me_ you would've found a way to _stay_ with me instead of getting foisted off onto another Diamond's court! This is _your_ fault!" She screams, pressing a foot into my chest, pushing me into the seat uncomfortably. " _Yours_!"

"I didn't-" I start again but she throws me off with her mind, pressing me into the floor. I squeak as she shoves me against the wall by the door, but she lets go then.

" _Get out! Get out get out get out!_ " She tears the room apart as she kicks and screams and throws whatever her mind can grab. I scurry out before she thinks to toss me around again. I hastily, with shaking hands, lock the door behind me and run as far away as the confines of the ship will let me go, until I can't hear her screaming in my head and she can't use my power anymore.

I find the smallest corner I can, in a section of the ship where the Quartzes rarely go, and tuck myself away to cry.

This is how it must be.

Sardonyx:

Why am I on the floor? I suddenly can't remember why I'm down here. Everything feels stiff. Have I, perhaps, been here for a long time? My body almost creaks as I force it to move, to stand. But stand I do, and with shaking legs I walk to the window.

Are we captured? When did this happen? I.. I can't remember. All I know is suddenly I was staring at a blank, greyish ceiling, and had been for some time.

"Phantom?" I call. They're not in this room with me, but they _must_ be nearby. I'm not sure how I know that, but I can feel it deep within me. "Phantom!" I call a little louder. The cell and the hallway before me are silent, but after a few moments, Phantom's hand comes into view in the cell across from me, gripping the glass as they try to stand. "There you are! Are you okay? What are we doing here?" I pound on the glass with the heel of my hands, but gently. Why am I being so careful?

Phantom stands, shaking, wobbling, and it doesn't take long to see why. They have one of those _damn_ limiters on. My mind flashes back to that terrible day so long ago, the _only_ time Homeworld scum has been able to do this to them, and I get angry. Phantom dizzily looks at me, for some unknown reason _surprised_ to see me.

"I'm coming, Phantom." I say, and waste no time breaking through the glass. It's thick, yes, but not thick enough. Immediately, sirens go off, warning the crew of this ship that I'm out. Too bad for them we'll be gone before they can get here. I smash through Phantom's window with a running punch, and quickly hug them before they can fall over, reeling from the flying glass.

"How are you-?" They try to ask, but their voice is off, wrong. I de-weaponize my hands and slip my fingers under the rubbery silicon-based band of the limiter, and tug as gently as I can, working the gooey abomination off Phantom's head. It fights me, but it can't win. With a small tear and a pop, it comes unstuck from their gem, reverting back to its inert form, a perfect sphere.

I throw it in the other cell, wishing I had some way to properly destroy it, but there's no time. We should be running already.

I pull Phantom into a jog, but I don't know where I'm going. The turns I take are random, each one made with a desperate hope that there won't be someone waiting for us.

"Sardonyx! How did you do that?" Phantom finally manages to ask, still a bit out of touch.

"Do what?" I ask, not stopping.

"Get free of-"

"Stop right there!" A gem appears around a corner, a polearm pointed against us. It's a Citrine, I think, a lower class Quartz warrior. They're not terribly common. What is one doing here? Where _are_ we? Regardless of the answers to these questions, I quickly resummon a gauntlet on the hand not holding Phantom's and tear through the Citrine's meek stave and toss her away before she can do anything about it.

"Sardonyx!" Phantom calls as I pull them into a run again.

"Yes?" I call back, quickly turning us down hallways to try to avoid anymore gems.

"What do you remember?" This stops me, and I turn to face them. I can tell this is important, so I think about it. Flashes of things come back in a haze, out of order and uncertain.

"I- I don't remember coming here. We- we were… running. In a ship. Pyrope behind us?" I haltingly force out, incredibly unsure.

"Starblazes- alright." They seem both unsurprised and deeply troubled. "We were captured-"

"I can see _that_." I look around, but there's no one here yet.

"- and I think if you remember all the details it'll make escaping much harder." They explain vaguely.

"H-how could that be?" They don't get to answer as another gem comes hurling down the hall.

"There they are!" She points, an Amethyst, and then I notice the smaller gem who shows up just after her. I notice her green skin, pink eyes, raspberry suit, and her twin mossy green braids that go down to her knees.

"Elbaite!" I remember her, and then I remember _everything_ , and then I go limp, falling to my knees as Phantom tries to catch me. I know now what Phantom meant- I had forgotten Elbaite's command, and therefore it could not effect me. Now that I remember, I am back to doing nothing again.

"Stop right there!" I hear the other gem command Phantom, but they only clutch me closer to them.

"I'm going to try something, Sardonyx. It may not work, but I need you to _not_ fight it." They whisper. What could they try that I might fight? " _Resist Elbaite_." They say, and it's a _command_ , a compulsion. It's weak, but it's there in my head, and I can feel it weaken, ever so slightly, the command that Elbaite put on me herself. " _Resist._ " They say again, a little stronger, physically pulling me back as the Amethyst and Elbaite approach slowly, threatening. "Please."

It reaches equilibrium inside me, the two forces equal with each other. The need to obey is overwhelming, but which? Which?

I choose Phantom, of course. I fight Elbaite's command, and stand, leaning heavily on Phantom still. As my feet finally start to carry me, we back up, Elbaite looking awed and impressed, the Amethyst afraid but determined. I look up at Phantom, who smiles, though they keep their eye on our enemies.

"Hold on." They say, and then with a push of their hand they send a rush of air at Elbaite and the Amethyst, forcing them away from us. I hold on tight to them, arms around their waist and feet planted firmly on the floor, and then it's their turn to whisk _me_ into a run.

"Where are we going?" I ask, as they lead me very specifically away.

"To find a ship. I know where they keep them." They respond, confidently grinning.

"Alright!"

Elbaite Facet 9D5Q Cut 7TC:

I reel, dizzy from the assault, but I force myself to stand. I need to regain control somehow, or they'll ruin everything. There's still more I need to know they can do before I let them face Tourmaline, more I have to teach them before I can set them free!

I pull the Amethyst to her feet, and command her to carry me. I can feel them heading for the docking bay for our defensive ships. They're not ready! She carries me swiftly down the hallways, turning expertly at my directions. I almost feel confident we'll be able to catch them when Citrine, my favorite Citrine, collides with us.

She rams into Amethyst's other side, effectively knocking me from the perch that is her right arm. I skid on the floor, and both gems, tangled in each other, immediately try to pull apart to help me, but they only succeed in making a bigger mess of themselves, falling all over the place.

"Stop!" I yell, and they do, the force of my voice alone silencing their futile attempts. "Citrine, pick yourself up. Then assist Amethyst." I instruct. Now that they're not _both_ struggling, the recovery is much easier. They pull to their feet and then come to me. They bow, ashamed. "Now, tell me why _you_ were running like a mad-gem, Citrine."

"I was looking for you. The sirens- Commander Tourmaline heard them- she's going after the fugitives, ma'am."

" _What?!_ " I screech. This can't be happening! This is the worst possible outcome! "How did she get out of that room!"

"W-well, protocol- protocol dictates that I inform all commanding officers wh-when there's a breach a-a-and this- this counts as a breach so I- I checked in on her and, and before I could stop her she got out and-"

"She's going to _kill_ them!" I pitch, arms waving wildly.

"I-Isn't that the goal?" The Amethyst asks, confused. She's uninformed, and Citrine elbows her harshly.

"Commander Elbaite had _plans_." She hisses, but I silence her with a hand. She didn't know any better, after all. I kept everything secret for a reason.

"It's fine- we just have to find them before _she_ does. Citrine- do you remember the plug drives your crew found in the wreckage?" She nods. "Take them from storage and wait in the bay. If _I_ do not come to retrieve them from you-"

"Give them to whoever does." She nods. She is an excellent soldier. I dismiss her, and she takes off running the opposite direction she came from.

"Amethyst, please don't ask questions for your sake. Now, head… starboard. And down. Quickly." She nods, and picks me up again and starts running herself. Though she desperately wants to know what all this secrecy is about, she's been trained well enough not to ask questions where Tourmaline and myself are concerned. It's safer to fear us than to question us.

Unfortunately, though I feel us closing in on Phantom and Sardonyx, I feel Tourmaline closing in on them faster. The anxiety boiling in my stomach comes to a head as the ship _rocks_ from some unseen force. I can feel Tourmaline's magic, and I know she can feel mine. I squirm as she starts her much-anticipated fight.

"No.." I whisper, but edge the Amethyst to go faster all the same. I can fix this. I can fix this.


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22: Facing the Truth

Sardonyx:

Half the ship around us blows out into space. I dig my hand into the ship, clutching Phantom desperately with the other. They use their telekinesis to cement my hand more firmly to the ship, stabilizing us, as the vacuum of space threatens to whisk us away. I can't imagine Elbaite would have done this! For all that I know she wants to contain us, I don't see how she could reasonably think _this_ was the way to do it- unless she wants to start her fight with us. Perhaps she thinks we've proved ourselves ready by doing this.

As the vacuum finally takes all it can take of the previously pressurized insides of the ship, we collapse on what remains of the floor. To our left remains most of the ship. To our right is an enormous hole blown out from the ship. Some gems hold tight to shredded pieces of wall and internal structures, trying not to get lost out in the vast emptiness. How could Elbaite do this to her own ship, her own crew? I don't understand.

"Sardonyx, we have to hurry, before she does.. that.. again." Phantom tries to pull me to my feet.

"Right, right." I say, and help them pull me up. We don't get very far as Elbaite finally reveals herself, carried in the crook of an Amethyst's arm. However, she seems just as alarmed at the state of the ship as we were just a second ago. And yet, before she can attempt to speak or we can try to run, a mad cackle rises through the openness.

" _Finally_!" I whip my head around, as does everyone else, to see another small gem walk out, giggling and clapping. "Elbaite, I was _wondering_ when you'd finally show up! The show can't _really_ start without you!" She smiles, her pointed grin familiar. She looks like Elbaite, but her hair is loose, curly, and blue, and her suit is a green dress with a _yellow_ diamond instead of pink, and her gem is on her right shin, not her left thigh. Her gem is also a single color, whereas Elbaite's is three. This is a Tourmaline, a 'superior' form of Elbaite.

I remember, now, my theory that there were two, and how Elbaite had confirmed it, but I am nevertheless confounded by her appearance now, of all times. Her words hit me, too, and I turn to look at Elbaite, who's slipped out of the arms of a now retreating Amethyst. She looks horrified and.. and sad. The Tourmaline skips over to her, arms loosely hanging onto her. She looks away from the Tourmaline, who stares coldly at us.

"It's funny, isn't it?" She asks us. I just shake my head, too confused about what she could possibly mean. "Little, sweet Elbaite here was trying to _help_ you! How sweet of her! But she failed to stop you before I could come meet you! So here we are!" She practically sings.

"That can't be true! She's been horrid to us!" Phantom yells, agitated and just as confused as I am. I don't think I got to tell them about my theory, so this must be even more of a mess to them..

"Both are true! She was trying to make you stronger by being terrible, because she knew that no matter how awful she was to you, _I_ would be worse."

"Tourmaline, I-" Elbaite tries to speak.

"Didn't think I knew, did you? Ha! Like I'd actually _obey_ your 'no peeking' rule!" She snarls with a smile, hands digging like claws into Elbaite's shoulders. "And even if I did, did you think you could hide your very _feelings_ , from _me_? Poor, sweet, _stupid_ Elbaite."

"I-!" Elbaite pulls from Tourmaline, but she pulls her right back, silencing her.

"And now you're going to help me destroy your little pet projects, aren't you?" Elbaite shakes her head but Tourmaline's glare at us says otherwise. "It's not like you have a _choice_ , dear." And she raises a hand, both her and Elbaite's gems glowing. "And I believe we were told not to let you two near each other, weren't we?" She smiles a little wider, too much teeth and malice too apparent. I reach for Phantom, but too late. She tears us apart, sending me flying to the left, Phantom to the right.

I fight to control my trajectory so that I'm not poofed by exposed infrastructure or flung out into space. I slam into a relatively flat piece of wall, and the metal imprints around me on collision. I try to pull myself free, but I can feel Tourmaline and Elbaite forcing me back.

"Don't flatter yourself, Sardonyx. You're not the one I want to fight." I hear Tourmaline immaculately, despite her being a hundred meters away. I watch, a new sense of horror dawning on me, as she flattens the ship's debris out to make a kind of stage, a dais, on which she plans to fight Phantom, and Phantom alone.

Furious that she would so openly stack the odds against Phantom, so unfairly, and that she would count me out as _unworthy_ of a fight, I try to pry myself out of the metal, but they clinch it, cinch it over parts of my form, such that I can't quite edge out. Phantom whirls around, looking at me but trying to keep their eye on Tourmaline and Elbaite.

"Shall I allow you the honor and privilege of the first attack?" Tourmaline asks, one arm raised high, the other gripping Elbaite like a vice.

"I don't want to fight! I want to leave!" Phantom growls.

"You can leave if you win!" She growls back, and then her eyes grow distant, focused elsewhere. I see Phantom sway as though physically attacked, but no one's near them. She must be trying to possess them. They're deadly still, all three of them. The only other movement is that of other gems trying to recover from Tourmaline's initial attack on the ship. I can't tell how it's going for Phantom inside their mind, and the unease of not knowing makes me nervous. I yank on one arm, trying to focus my strength on one place first. The pinched lip of metal rakes my arm, not quite sharp or edged enough to pierce my form, but rigid enough that I can't seem to push it back effectively without discomfort.

"Gah!" Tourmaline screams, physically rallying backwards. I see Phantom step backwards, as though catching themself from falling, as well. "Very good! Let's see you take on your little partner, then!" She sneers, and reaches a hand towards me. I try to brace myself for the mental attack I know is coming, but too fast her hand seems like it's wrapped around my mind, seizing my thoughts.

I feel the buzzing static of her possession trying to billow out into my form but I fight it, snarling. For some reason, it's so much more difficult this time. I feel myself losing the fight, losing my self to her. She is ravenous, and though I rage against her, she consumes my mind anyway.

I don't quite lose sensation of my body, and I am forced to experience her full possession and everything she does with my hijacked form. The metal unwraps itself from me, and Tourmaline has me leap back onto her constructed stage. My landing is awkward- I could do so much better on my own- but it's gotten Phantom's attention. Tourmaline forces me forward, and Phantom's eye is wide and fearful as I approach, menacingly slow. I want to fight back, take back my body but I feel pressed tight against myself, too thin to properly resist. Phantom puts a hand out, shaking their head.

"No, you can't- that isn't- _you can't_." I hear them say, voice and hands shaking. I take another step, hands curled to attack, though I haven't yet summoned my weapons. Will she make me tear Phantom apart with my bare hands? She couldn't, could she? I won't do it! I won't I won't I won't-!

"No." Someone else's voice echoes out, and I feel a slight release. I am not quite as trapped. I push my mind against the static and find that I can take back the very edges of myself. I rally harder, my form twitching as we fight for ownership of what is _rightfully_ mine. With a roar, I fight her off and out of me, collapsing to my knees.

Tourmaline screams.

" _How dare you!_ " She shrieks, and I turn to see her facing Elbaite, somehow torn away from her. "You- you-!"

"No! How dare _you_!" Elbaite cries, her face twisted in anger and sorrow. "How _dare_ you use me for this! I won't! I won't let you, not _any_ more!"

"Shut up!" Tourmaline hollers. She seems more than just angry, no, she seems.. uneasy?

"No! I won't! You've used me since the day we crawled out of the dirt together so no one would know, and I _won't_ let you anymore! I'm sorry I _ever_ took pity on you! Everything I've let you use my power to do!" She grimaces, tears falling over her cheeks. "No more!"

Tourmaline shrinks back at this, and I can hear their crew members questioning this new development out lout. She swings around wildly, looking for the source of the questions, but even I can't see them.

"Silence!" She commands, voice ringing.

"No!" Elbaite commands back. "They deserve to know! After everything you've put them through, they deserve to know you did it all on _stolen_ power! Tell them, Tourmaline, how you are the _strongest_ of our kind, the most _powerful_ Indicolite Tourmaline ever formed, and tell them how you can't _use_ _**any**_ of your strength without _me_ to focus it!" Her hands are fisted at her sides, a hidden fury exploding outward.

"Directionless power is wasted…" I hear Phantom say, still a small distance behind me. I turn to look at them. They look like they're experiencing a revelation, a sudden understanding.

"Fine! Aha, it's true! I can't direct my own power, yes! Ahaha, that's all true!" Tourmaline says, spreading her arms wide, laughing. Then her smile turns cold. "But you can't keep me out of your mind, Elbaite!" She points a finger at Elbaite, and then I presume she launches herself at her counterpart's mind, as Elbaite has to fight to steady herself. Energy ripples out from them both, the ship creaking and groaning, trying to keep together. Artificial winds threaten to send us all out from the ship.

"No.. but you- you can't keep _me_ out either." Elbaite grits out, and the energy shifts, pulsating out rather than in a constant stream. They war for control of this energy, this power, but it's impossible to say who will win out in the end. I'm not sure what to think, what to do!

"Sardonyx!" Phantom has to shout over the blast-like waves of energy. I turn to see them gripping the floor on hands and knees, one arm reaching out to me. Despite my hair whipping across my face, in my eyes, I can see the relief of Phantom's face that I'm me again. I reach back, hand open in invitation.

"Let's dance!" I shout, smiling. Phantom grins back. It's time to show them why we were supposed to be kept apart. I stand, leaning against the wind, and bow, lighting up my gem. Phantom does the same, and waits for me to start us off.

I give a spin on one foot, arms starting low and swooping high, veering into a step to the side and a shimmy that ends with open arms and a smile to start them off. In response, they sweep their arms out, bowing again, but turn it into strange but dextrous spin, one leg going up and out and around, and then they step forward, twisting gracefully towards me. I give another spin, one arm curved up and the other down, a step towards them turning into a pirouette. I land and kick high and round, Phantom ducking around me with a twirl of their own, catching me by the hands as I pass by, pulling me back, guiding me into a twirl with one hand. They pull me into a hug and then-

We stand, unified. I am Ametrine.

It is like breathing to _be_ again- not quite natural, not quite foreign. I draw my four arms out from the embrace that created me, standing straight and true.

I am nothing like I was in the beginning, when the individuals who comprise my being accidentally merged that first time. I am no longer a stumbling mess of creation, but a sum of those two people joined purposefully and artistically and caringly together. I am not conventionally appealing by any standards, but I think I am a majestic creature and can stand tall and proud knowing this of myself and my components.

The other gems, however, don't seem to think the same way. It is ever an adjustment to get used to two eyes on one side of my head, but it wouldn't take even one to know what they think of us. Though Tourmaline and Elbaite still war for their unseen powers, which I can now feel in full, they are, suffice to say, quite distracted. Even Elbaite, who has turned out to be an ally, is afraid of us, perhaps even disgusted. I don't care. This battle must end.

"Surrender." I say with a step forward. Tourmaline draws back, dragging Elbaite with her. I always forget how large I am, how long and forceful even my smallest and softest steps can be. The silence of the ship and the vast empty behind me almost assures me of victory, but it's broken by Tourmaline's laughter once again.

"Of course, of course! Fantastically monstrous! How terrible!" She cackles, nearly falling over from it. Elbaite, whether on purpose or not, steadies her as she clutches madly to her partner-turned-foe. "I should have seen this coming! What an amazing answer to the question! Did _you_ know they could do that?! Aha! But _we_ can do that too!" She challenges us, and Elbaite can hardly cry out "No!" before Tourmaline has poured her into a dip, the familiar glow of fusion overtaking them. But the light ripples and shakes unsteadily and unevenly. The light fades and reveals a monster more terrible than we could ever try to be.

It- they try to stand, but they can only fall to their too many hands and knees. I shudder at this. I may be malformed myself, but at least I am consistent, at least I am on purpose and made with care and consideration. I exist in between Phantom and Sardonyx, a manifestation of their care for each other, the bond they have. If this is true of the creature before me as well.. What a hideous relationship those two have.

They look at me, groaning. Are they in pain? It's hard to tell- their three distinct eyes are all different sizes and colors, looking approximately at me, at _us_ , but not quite settled or focused anywhere. Their legs end in _hands_ , and their arms split at the elbows, the fingers on these hands stubby and permanently curled inward. Their two mouths are twisted, crooked, at angles to each other, in grimaces.

"But we- we're the same!" One mouth moans, one and a half of another eye screwing shut. "Why?" She bellows.

"We.. are.." The other mouth replies, the third eye crying. "We are _NOT_ the same!" This mouth screams, and then the whole thing, the whole fusion rears back, the four arm-hands on it's head, those stubby, crooked fingers digging into their form. I take several steps back, horrified. Is this how I-we were in the beginning? Is this how we appeared? It's almost enough to drive me-us apart, but we hold on.

The aberrant fusion backs itself into the torn cross-sections of the ship, sending bystander gems flying. The gentler part of me reaches out and secures them to ship. We hate open space. I'd never let anyone fall through it forever if I could prevent it, even enemies. As they rattle the ship, it becomes harder to keep everyone secure, but we manage.

"Let this die!" The second mouth screams as the hands tug harder at their head, trying to literally pull themselves apart.

"NO!" The first replies, the two eyes widening with madness. "I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO!" Then, as what _must_ be Tourmaline pries control of the hands away from Elbaite, I decide to make my move.

With a small leap, I deliver a heavy blow the fusion's chest, causing it to scream. It lunges for me, but far too slow. I move deftly to the side, then grab them by the shoulders with one set of my arms, and by the waist with my other. I pick them up.. and drive them down into the constructed platform behind us. It gurgles out a scream, but it can't seem to pick itself up, as all six hands attempt to bear their weight. I summon my gauntlets, a silvery pink color rather than Sardonyx's gold, and aim a dividing jab for their stomach.

However, their four arm-hands catch my one right hand, though my strength nearly overcomes theirs. I bear down on them, my other three arms steadying the driving one, until the very tips of my gauntleted hand just barely pierce their chest. I can see the struggle in their eyes, half of them wanting release, the other lusting for the fight, and for the slimmest of seconds, it is impossible to tell who will win. Us, or _her_.

Then my clawed hand drives through the fusion, a howl of defeat ringing out before it explodes in light. I draw back as the dust and smoke and light all settle and fade, leaving behind two exhausted gems, finally separated.

Elbaite sits up, trying to distance herself from her partner, but can't seem to stand or crawl, too tired or too confused by being separated so suddenly. Tourmaline's groan rises through the cavernous hole of a room.

"Why!?" She screams, clawing after Elbaite, dragging herself clumsily after her partner. "We're the same! Why did you _fight_ me!?" Elbaite only shakes her head and pushes herself away.

"We're not! Can't you see, we never were! You _needed_ me, and I didn't need you! You _used_ me, took advantage of my help and my power! _You_ made us too different!" She cries, her deep sadness breaking through. I can feel it, years and years and innumerable years of nothing short of _abuse_ weighing on her, finally coming to light inside her. This was the breaking point. _We_ were the breaking point. "Look at them! Look at what they did! They are so _vastly_ different in make and experience and temperament! One of them is thirty times older than the other, an experiment deemed a failure and self-exiled! The other was a defective _noble_ who ran away to join a war! And yet _they_ have the healthier relationship of the two of us!" She points at us, furious, but only at Tourmaline, who writhes with a fury of her own. It's the anger of being _wrong,_ something we both know well. She _knows_ she's wrong, morally and otherwise, but she'd rather be angry at someone else.

"You think I'm weak! You think I can't do _anything_ on my own!" She cries back, accusing.

"I don't think that-!" Elbaite tries to explain, but Tourmaline doesn't stop, wrenching herself to her feet.

"Well let's all just see what I can do on my own!" She throws her hands up , and we can _feel_ the energy amass there, but raw and unfiltered and wild until-

Everything explodes again, but I do my best to shield myself, using a technique of matter manipulation that one of the components must have learned, for I hadn't taught it to myself last time I was formed. When the heat disappears, the stage is less populated than before. I reach out with my minds and I can feel them both spiralling away. Other gems were more fortunate, managing to hang on to the busted and battered hull. I can't feel any of them out there, or at least none that weren't already from the initial explosion.

"Elbaite.." I breathe. She's out there, with Tourmaline, drifting away. I try to pull her back, but she fights me off. I try again, but like a smack to the hand she forces off my offered assistance. I can't quite read her thoughts, she's too far, but I get a feeling of.. resign. A feeling that this is how is must be.. With a sorrowful sigh, I fall apart, we fall back down-

And Phantom holds me as I cry. I am Sardonyx again.

"She gave herself for us. Why? Why did she do that? Why did she do it like this?" I sob, but they can't give me any answers. They can only shake their head, and pat my back..

"Let's go, before anyone tries anything." They suggest, but I'm not sure any of the Amethysts and Citrines are in any state to make any decisions. The ships around this one, though nothing has changed about them since this whole affair began, seem paralyzed as well. Still, I let Phantom pull me to my feet and lead me back into the undamaged parts of the ship, and down to the bay.

"How much did she destroy?" I ask, curious, in a hushed tone.

"Only about a tenth of the ship, but at that point she was only trying to get our attention. She could have destroyed everything.." Phantom replies in a voice just as small and carefully gentle.

"Elbaite stopped her. She wanted to kill you, but Elbaite stopped her. Why wouldn't she let us save her?" I start to cry again. This has all been so very stressful, so draining, so tiresome. I almost liked her, then I hated her, then I _forgot_ her, then I hated her again and now.. I wish she had let us save her.

"I don't know. It was something.. she needed to do, I suppose. She was with Tourmaline.." They shrug and look back at me pitifully, tears in their eye as well. "Don't cry, please, not now. Maybe we'll find her, out there, and we can ask her." I know they hate when I cry. My feelings get too big and consume them. So I try to hold it in, just for now, for Phantom's sake.

As they open the door to the bay, it hisses, the whole ship messed up from the short but brutal fight. A gem jumps to their feet at the sound inside. It's Citrine. Elbaite's Citrine, the one with the braided hair.

She looks at us first with shock, then disappointment, then concern. She doesn't wait for us to come to her, instead coming to meet us at the door, one hand out and open, the other carrying something.

"These- I have these for you." She holds out a cord with our plug drives on them- something I thought was lost forever, and had honestly almost forgotten about. "I'm not- I can't, I won't... The ships are ready for you. Take your pick." She says, and her husky voice seems deflated, though I'm not sure I've really heard her speak before now. "W-where are Commander Elbaite and Commander Tourmaline?" She asks, hesitant.

"The ship exploded. They went.." Phantom finds the strength to try and explain. They point in what I'm sure is the vague direction they went. "They're alive and unharmed but, but they're drifting out. If you hurry.." She nods, pushing the drives into Phantom's hands, turning and jumping into a ship of her own. She's gone before we can pick ours.

"She.. she found our data files." I state, a bit awed at this whole scenario.

"All of them, it looks like. It was a good idea to keep them tied together when we weren't using them." Phantom replies, holding the cord daintily by one end.

"Was that my idea?" I ask, and they nod. "Oh. I'm glad I thought of that, then." I don't remember it, but it was useful, it seems. I probably never thought it would come in handy this way.

"Let's go." They say, smiling sadly. I try to smile back, but it's hard to, and the result is weak. I'm glad to be alive, I'm glad to be free, but at this cost? Somehow this seems to weigh more than anything we've ever done before.

"We've never had any casualties before, have we?" I ask. I don't remember any, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I would hope that I would never forget such a terrible thing, but for all that I don't want a lot of things, they still happen.

"No. I'm not sure I count this as a casualty, though." They shake their head, but they seem uncertain anyway.

"No, I don't think I do either, technically. It feels.. it _feels_ like one, though. Like a loss." Phantom nods in solemn agreement.

"Let's go." They repeat, taking my hand again.

"Alright." I nod, and let them start to pull me away. I have hardly taken a step when something _burns_ through my shoulder unexpectedly. I give a cry of pain and surprise, and reach back to find what it is that's done this, but a yank back unbalances me, unfocuses me. I can feel my form wanting to collapse, to give up, to burst like the meager bubble of energy it is, but I hold on. I don't want to go!

"Pyrope!" Phantom yells furiously. The shock of realization breaks my concentration, and I disappear.

Phantom Fluorite:

Sardonyx's form dissipates in a puff of dust and a short second gasp. Pyrope, somehow caught off guard by this, as if it were not her very _intent_ , coughs and steps back, and Sardonyx's gem falls freely. Instinctively, fiercely, I catch her with a wave of air, and bring her to me. It's so strange to think, to _know_ she's in there, but not have access to her person, her thoughts, her _her_. It's terrifying.

"HA! Finally! For all that you did it to me, finally I got one of you!" Pyrope whoops in victory, but she is immediately silenced when I catch her in a glare. She drops the claw weapon, stepping back, rightfully afraid.

" _Leave_." I command, and her eyes widen before they go blank, and she robotically, automatically turns and walks away. I want to do so much worse to her for this, but I know I'd regret it later. I wouldn't be able to tell Sardonyx about it without shame, so I don't do it. I simply hold her yellow cabochon gem close to me, and choose a ship.

I try to remember where we were heading before we were intercepted, but I can't seem to bring any planets to mind, only those we've already been to. Since I can't seem to think clearly, I point us in the general direction of Earth and set the ship to go as fast as possible.

How long did it take me to regenerate? A day? Two? I can never tell how much time has passed from the inside, and I don't remember off the top of my head how long Sardonyx had said I'd taken. I was also limited from inside the heavily layered room at the time, so it's likely I took longer than normal anyway. So it should take her even less time, right?

Then again, this is probably the first time she's lost her form. An undefined 'inside' can be.. troublesome. And there's no telling what might be more difficult for her with her memory issues..

I shake my head free of these worrisome thoughts, and place her gem on the second seat, plush and soft and safe.

"You'll be back in no time, I'm sure." I tell her, but I know she probably can't hear me. I know that _I_ can't always hear what's going on outside, and it's probably ten times harder or more confusing for her right now. "I'll be right here, don't you worry," I can't stop myself from saying. "I'll just set the ship down on some unmarked planet and we can wait as long as you need. It'll be nice and safe, and there'll be no rush for you to come back." I try to sound comforting and supportive, but all the pleasant talking does is make me more anxious. I've got a bad feeling resting in the pit of my stomach.

"Everything will turn out alright. We'll be okay."


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23: Alone at Last

Phantom Fluorite:

It's been two days. It took me less than half of one to find a small, unnamed planet that could hide us for a few days and land the ship. The sun it revolves around is, fortuitously, one of those special ones that I can feel revitalize me. It's small and blue and otherwise weak, but underneath it's glow I feel entirely the opposite. Well, I'll always be blue, but I hardly feel small or weak when it's in the sky.

Still, Sardonyx has not returned. I've wasted time trying to practice those newly taught techniques, but I can't focus on any of it for very long. Nor can I seem to capture any of these thoughts in a log. And I have tried, oh, how I have tried. Each time I sit at the console, pad out and open, all of my thoughts dissipate, and I feel more alone without even my own thoughts.

The strangest part, thus far, is how much the quiet is getting to me. There have been many stints or stretches of time where both of us are so quiet, wrapped up in personal projects or simply resting, that the only sound for days is the hum of an engine, or the dulled roar of passing through cloudy nebulae, hidden and safe. But now, there is no reassurance of her thoughts, or even the engine or space, as the engine is off and we are firmly planted on this planet, going nowhere. Her thoughts are unobtainable, secured along with the rest of her inside her gem.

I tore the cushion out of the second chair and took her for a walk, hoping that being outside might provide her the energy or inspiration to reform, but no matter where I took her, she stayed right where she was, yellow gem sunken gently into the red vellum. I keep talking to her, wondering if she just needs to be guided out, but this shows no signs of working either. I talk, I sing, I joke, I play, but nothing sparks any changes.

I can feel her energy inside, although distant and small, even compared to the usual quietness of her mind. I _know_ she's in there. I'm just not sure she knows how to come back out.

Once again, I find myself retreating inside the ship as the sun sets over the horizon, placing the cushion and its most precious cargo back on the chair. I sit myself down on the other, and try to distract myself with.. anything. The only thing I haven't done yet is reread our old logs and files, so I decide to give that a go.

Thankfully, reading our poems and songs provides some efficient distraction for a few hours, but then I'm back to thoughtless, and now dark, silence.

I turn to her, unsure what to do. How did I ever survive those thousands of years on my own? What did I _do_? What was the point of living, of surviving, when it was so obviously filled with _nothing_ of value? I sigh, tired and lonely and miserable.

"I'm starting to think you're mad at me." I joke out loud, but in the otherwise quiet of the ship, it falls flat, stinging. And.. with no one to contradict me, it almost sounds plausible. "You.. you're not actually angry, are you?" She says nothing. Of course she says nothing. "No, of course not. What could I have done to make you angry? We were in the middle of escaping.. and Pyrope snuck up on you. I.. I guess I should have seen her coming, should have _felt_ her coming, but I was focused on getting us out, and Elbaite and you and.. I wasn't- I wasn't thinking straight. Or I was thinking too straight, too single-mindedly.

That's not it, is it? Do you blame me for getting disassembled? Is this a punishment?" I ramble questioningly, starting to get realistically concerned. "But- but you've never before- you don't 'punish' people, you- you forgive them! That's what you do! It's- it's your _thing_ , your modus operandi, right?" There's not so much as a twinkle of light on her gem. "Unless perhaps I've run out your patience? I.. I _can_ be taxing at times, I know. I try to be patient and deserving of patience in turn, but I _do_ still struggle from time to time.. is that it? Have I worn out your patience for my temper and attitude? Are you tired of coddling me? I promise, I'm doing my best!" I plead, but she remains silent.

I stand, walk towards the back of the ship, rubbing my face, trying to calm myself. This is getting ridiculous. The quiet is just.. getting to me.

"No, I'm.. I'm overreacting. I'm stressing and reading into things that aren't there. That's it. You're just.. you're just stuck. It's your first time, and it can be scary in there. It was for me, still _is_ fairly frightening for me sometimes. Though with your assistance, it hasn't happened in a long time.." I grimace, feeling entirely guilty for the situation again. I turn and look out the window, hoping for something, anything else to focus on. And then, with a burst of nerves I haven't felt in a long time, I can no longer stand the silence. I need to fill the air, the time, with work, with noise, with thought, with _anything_.

"Aha, look, a star! Don't you want to come out and see it? It's a particularly beautiful one, you know. It's purple, and though I know that's just due to the atmosphere of this planet and the way the light is forced to bounce through and is not in anyway true to the star's actual color or light, it's still marvelous to look at! No? Well, maybe you'll be able to see it tomorrow! And if it doesn't come back? Well, in that case, I'll write you a song about it! Yes, yes, a song, to capture the star and the moment, this lovely moment as it swings out over that sweeping, hilly horizon. There's running water on this planet, you know, and the mountains just behind the ship have this, this fascinating _cascade_ of water- a 'water-fall', if you will- and I'd love to show it to you. _That_ , I know, will be here when you come out, but I think it'll find a place in the song anyway…"

And it is thus that I set myself to work, to mad, mad work..

Pyrope Facet 4G18Y Cut 5DY:

I collapse to my knees as the Fluorite speeds away, their ability to control me, their _power_ over me fading with distance. My mind and my thoughts return to me, slowly, like sunlight over the skyline at dawn. My first thought is that I am so dreadfully tired of all this, the chasing, the running, the fighting, the losing..

Because there they go, free and out there once again. Sure, I managed a small victory over them, the first time I've ever poofed one of them, but who knows what kind of destruction they left behind them? I was lost in a trance while most of their fight went down- thanks to that no-good, dirty, rotten, clod of a Tourmaline's stupid command!- so I literally have no clue what happened beyond a vague recognition of 'oh, those are explosions happening'. I grit my teeth and force myself to stand. It's time to find out.

I follow the hissing and groaning of the ship to where the battle must have taken place. A huge, gaping hole is blown out from the right side of the ship, empty space just.. right there. The ship would fall apart if it so much as tried to start the engine, it's so frail! There are Amethysts and Citrines all around, here, but they're uncharacteristically quiet and still. I approach a group of two Amethysts and one Citrine sitting at the edge of destruction, hoping for answers. They sit next to each other on the edge of some upturned floor, one of the Amethysts and the Citrine consoling the other Amethyst.

"What happened here?" I ask, quickly flashing my badge- a small, rectangular light pad with my credits and ranking linked to my body mods. They look up at me dumbly for a moment, then the Citrine clears her throat.

"High Commanders Tourmaline and Elbaite fought with the fugitives but.. I.. I think they lost." She shrugs.

"What do you mean, you think? Did they, or didn't they?"

"Well, that's the thing.. the, the fugitives, they, uh, they fused, somehow, and, and the High Commanders fused too, but.." An Amethyst, the middle one, shudders.

"They came out all wrong. And.. it sounded like Elbaite kinda _turned_ on Tourmaline." The Citrine finishes for her, the other two nodding.

"Turned?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Betrayed her. She said some weird stuff about.. about helping Tourmaline do everything but, but not letting her use her powers anymore and, and they got unfused and she yelled at her some more." The middle Amethyst elaborates.

"She said something about how High Commander Tourmaline was really, really strong, but couldn't use her own power. And later, after they unfused, Tourmaline used her power and.. everything exploded again. I think they.." The Citrine looks out into space and I swallow hard at the thought. The fugitives have sent me flying through space more than once, and it's never pleasant. "They were going really fast.."

"Then.. it's unlikely we'll be able to find them very quickly.." I sigh. "Who's your next highest in command?"

"That would be another Citrine. She's got the braid. She was High Commander Elbaite's favorite." This Citrine explains, pointing to her own short hair.

"And where is she?" I ask. She shrugs.

"I.. I think I saw a recon ship go after them."

"Okay." I sigh. "You are now temporarily promoted to highest ranking whatever on this ship until one of the three of them returns or someone else steps in. You need to gather the remaining crew and get to work on making repairs, or setting up a tow with the other ships. You also need to express to everyone here that what you witnessed, the _fusions_ , are unmentionable. Literally, now and forever and for all of time, no one here can speak about them to anyone else, regardless of whether they saw it or not. It does _not_ go in your logs, private or otherwise, you erase any video or audio capture of the event, you do not think about it, you do not worry about it, it _did not happen_."

"But how can-"

"That's not my problem. All I know is that the Diamonds do _not_ want it spoken of. No one can know they can do that."

"Why?" The other Amethyst, who hadn't yet spoken, asks. The other two look at her and then at me. It's a good question. Wish I knew the answer.

"Maybe to prevent widespread panic. Maybe to not give sympathizers any ideas about fusing with just any other clod and wrecking things. I don't know, I don't care, and you don't either." I emphasise this with a point. I outrank them all, and so they fall silent, nodding acceptance. "Good. Now, Citrine, get to work gathering everybody." I clap once, and she pops to her feet.

"Right away, ma'am. Where will I be able to find you when that's done, for further instructions?"

"Further instructions? I won't be giving any. I need to capture the fugitives. Again. I'm out of here." I jab a thumb back the way I came, roughly in the direction of the bay and my ship.

"W-what!? But I've never- you can't-"

"But I've got to! My mission is only to capture them and return them to Homeworld. That's it. I have no other authority but that which pertains to them. You," I gesture to the ship and it's escorts and the group of gems in front of me, ", no longer pertain to them. Good luck." I say, and wave before stomping off.

I head back down to the bay to retrieve my ship. Part of me feels bad about the state I'm leaving them all in, the poor clods being relatively innocent of the broader affair, but I don't have time to feel guilty or do anything about it. My mission at large is all-demanding, all-consuming, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Still, as I sit behind my console, prepped to go but for some reason unwilling to actually leave, I wonder why the court is having _me_ do this. I'm a pilot. I am inadequate for this purpose, and I'm one of hundreds of thousands of equally inadequate pilots, but for some reason, _I'm_ the one sent on this inane mission. Not a Quartz or Agate was sent or informed or interviewed, but _I_ , the pilot, the non-warrior class, low-ranking, inadequate Pyrope, was sent. Me. Why?

I wasn't made for this and they know it. Is this a joke to them? White Diamond and her court are mysterious and ancient and strange, but I cannot imagine fathoming why they made this decision. On all accounts, it makes no sense.

With a groan, I guide the ship out of the bay, too tired to try to figure it out again. I haven't been able to figure it out in ten years of hunting them, no better than I've been able to stop them, so why would I finally make some new connection now?

Phantom Fluorite:

I sit curled on the captain's chair, still and unmoving. I don't think I've moved for about a week. I tried to drown out the silence with work and words and it failed. She still hasn't come back. I'm starting to wonder, to worry if she's permanently in there, or worse, that I've somehow imagined all of our adventures, that I'm back on Homeworld desperately distracting myself from the cold reality that none of this is real.. That nothing about her was real.

She was impossible, wasn't she? Her kindness, her patience? Impossible, all of it. Our adventures, our accomplishments, equally impossible. I may have.. it's very possible I imagined all of it, and that the dream, the hopes, are finally collapsing. Ten years and some odd months was a pretty good run, a happy distraction for the time I believed it. I just wonder when I'll really 'wake up', forced to face the full and brutal truth of it..

I try to believe just a little bit longer, just to taste the happiness I imagined a little more before it's gone forever.

Sardonyx:

I reappear in the dark, alone. Where is everything? Where did Pyrope go, where did _Phantom_ go? I whirl around, but there's nothing, nothing _anywhere_. I can see myself, but there's.. it's like there's no environment around me.

"Hello!?" I try to yell, but the sound comes out like radio distortion, warped and impossible to understand. I try again, shouting, "Phantom!" But it's the same.

I start running. There can't be nothingness forever. The fact that I can run _must_ mean that I'm somewhere, that this is a place, and places end eventually. Nothing lasts forever, not even nothingness. The fact that we exist says so. I can't be held here forever..

But it feels like forever that I run, the nothingness continuing. It shouldn't be possible, but I swear I run for _hours_ , and nothing changes. So, failing that, panicking harder, I decide to focus on the ground. There _is_ a ground, at least, even if it is as colorless and indistinguishable from the air and what must be distant space.. But touching it, I can't determine any kind of texture or strength or durability- it simply _is_ , but indescribably so.

Alright, then. Time to get destructive.

I summon both gauntlets, clasping both hands together above me, then drive them down, aiming for just in front of my feet. But I never connect with anything. Where my hands should collide with the ground, they pass through, and my momentum, unhalted, sends me flying through it too. The 'ground' has disappeared out from under me, and I spin through nothingness, completely unable to stop myself.

This is impossible! This isn't how- how _reality_!

I grunt as I 'land', the ground somehow coming back into existence. This shouldn't be happening. This literally cannot be happening, but here it's happening anyway. How? Ah, but that's the question, isn't it?

How did I get here? I don't remember. I don't remember at all. I remember being scared. I remember being.. hurt, or uncomfortable, upset, maybe and I remember Phantom Fluorite. But what was happening, what we were doing- I don't know. They were there, and maybe someone else, too? _What were we doing_?

I can't seem to connect anything together. Randomly, I can remember things we've done in the past, but the distant past and out of order, or mixed together. What were we _just_ doing? How can I not know?

Is this what death is? Have I died? Is that why I can't remember?

"Phantom!" I scream, unwilling to accept it. This can't be the end of everything.

Phantom Fluorite:

It's like lightning when she comes back. Her energy blooms out into the room, she's suddenly _here_ , and it takes me less than a second to snap upright, on my feet to greet her. Her form billows out, and I worry she may struggle here, but she seems fine as everything solidifies and she drops to her feet.

But she forms with her mouth and eyes wide, her hands reaching out, and before she's even fully _there_ I can hear her trying to yell,

"Phantom!" And then she falls to her knees, shaking. I am there on the floor with her immediately, pulling her into my arms, wanting to feel her in all her real and unimagined trueness.

"I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, you're back, thank the stars, you're back!" I babble, holding her tightly. She seems stunned and confused, doing nothing immediately, her hands still open and searching on either side of me, but then she relaxes.

"Phantom." She says, and leans into me.

"You're back, you're back.." I can only say.

"W-where did I.." I pull back from her, and find her eyes distant, unfocused. She looks at me, but her eyes seem to look _through_ me. "Where did I go?"

"You were disassembled. By Pyrope. On Tourmaline and Elbaite's ship." I tell her. She nods, perhaps remembering, or starting to. "Are you okay?" She looks back at me, her gaze having drifted away in thought, mouth still agape with shock or fear. Her mind is a tangle of confusion that I can't quite read.

"I couldn't figure out where I was or how I got there. I.. I guess I forgot what happened. It just.. everything disappeared so fast and I got scared and, and I couldn't find you or anything, there was just nothingness and it didn't work like reality and and and I couldn't _find_ you, I couldn't hear you, there was nothing.." Tears form in the corners of her eyes, still wide and fearful.

"You're back, you found me." I console her, on the brink of tears myself. "You did it." I try not to dig my fingers into her shoulders, still dumbfoundedly grateful that she's back and real, oh so real.

"I don't know how. I- everything just- I don't understand." She finally closes her eyes, looking so very tired. I pull her back into a hug, her head resting on my shoulder.

"You're back. It won't ever happen again." I swear, I vow never to allow this. It shouldn't have happened, I could have prevented it, but I was distracted and weak-

"You can't promise that, Phantom. It's a wonder it never happened before.."

"I _promise_ it will not ever happen again. I'd take the fall before I ever let you again." I say again, stubbornly. I'm not sure she can believe me, but it gets a disbelieving laugh rather than a wracking sob out of her, so I mark it as a victory anyway.

"How long was I gone? I- it felt like it was years in there.." She sniffs, trying to compose herself. I just pat her head, and stroke her hair. I know she finds these things comforting.

"Oh blazes, not _that_ long.. I, ah, I lost track of the days myself, but about.. about a month."

"Oh no, oh no, I'm-" Her voice breaks again, "I'm so sorry, Phantom, I, I was _really_ hoping it wouldn't have been that long, I'm- I am so, so sorry for leaving you alone so long-" I squeeze her tighter, steadying her.

"Don't- don't apologize, Sardonyx, you couldn't've- you'd never _done_ that before! I don't hold that _against_ you, I don't- I'm just glad you're back at all. I was starting to worry you'd be trapped in there forever and I'd, we'd.." I can only shake my head. "It's not worth worrying about. You're back, you're.. maybe okay?"

"I think I'll be okay. It was all so.. unexpected. And.. right after Elbaite and.." She shakes her head, trying to shut out the memories. "I'll be okay. Everything just happened so fast. I'll be okay."

"Okay, then. We can stay here a while longer- nobody's come to look for us here yet- while you get readjusted."

"And where are we?"

"It's a small planet, unnamed on Homeworld maps. That is, it has an identification number, but it's not marked as claimed for anything. The whole system is rather small and lacking in resources. On a map it's somewhere just on the Homeworld side of halfway to Earth, but very, very far out."

"Okay. And no one's come to look for us here?"

"I haven't so much as felt a ship enter the system since we landed." I shake my head. "We're safe here, for the time being."

"Alright, then. What have.. what have you been up to? Are.. are _you_ okay?" She asks, pulling away from me to look me in the eye.

"I.. could have been better. I may have gone the _slightest bit_ mad while you were gone." She raises an eyebrow, concerned. "I just- I couldn't stand the silence and I couldn't distract myself very well and.. I ended up sitting at the console for about a week and a half, doing nothing. I'd almost convinced myself I made you up, actually.."

"Oh my goodness, Phantom. I'm so sorry-"

"Nonono, no, don't be. I should've known it wouldn't be easy for you to just bounce back. It wasn't for me when I was terribly young and it happened the first time. I should've been more patient."

"You were scared and alone for a long time and that can throw _everything_ out the window. And I can still feel bad that I inadvertently put you in that position." She replies persistently.

"Well.. don't feel too bad for too long." I say. She nods at that, almost smiling. "Ah, before I went catatonic, I did do some exploring. The planet has mountains and running water and a beautiful sunrise. I think you're just in time for another." I suggest, noticing the crack of light coming from the windshield.

"Alright. Let's go watch." She says, and pushes away, pulling us to our feet. I look out the window, trying briefly to find the ridge I had previously decided to take her to, but she tugs my arm. "What's this?" She points at the console. It's an open directory of one of our plug drives.

"Oh, when I was still trying to distract myself, I went through and made sure all our files were still here. Made a couple new ones, too."

"No, I see that. These three are familiar, they're our naming format. But what's this one? It's.. unfamiliar." She points to a specific file name in the directory, labelled with what looks like gibberish.

"I.. I don't know. I hadn't noticed it before. Strange.."

"Can we look at it?" She asks, hypnotized by it. Wordlessly I click it open, the sunrise hardly a concern at this point. A window pops up on the console, and then a holographic screen pops up out of that. It's a video. Sardonyx reaches out and swipes it with a finger, and it starts to play.

It's Elbaite. She sits down in front of the camera, wiping one eye with a knuckle.

"If you're seeing this, you are either the fugitives Sardonyx and Phantom Fluorite or some Homeworld gem investigating the property we found, used, on their stolen ship. In either case, this video exists to explain why.." She sighs, looking away. "Why I've disappeared. It's hard to explain, and it'll take some time, and I don't expect anyone to understand how or why this has happened, but.. I want to try.

My life started like anyone else's did. Came out of the ground, inspected, taught, studied. During our education period, I excelled. Most of my peers did as well. Except for one. She struggled. It was unexpected and.. unallowed. I shouldn't have cared. No one else cared. But I did. So, I helped her learn, in our limited downtime, in a way she understood, and soon she, too was excellent.

Then came practical studies, learning how to use our magic with our freshly forged minds. Here, she struggled in the beginning as well, but we soon discovered, together, just us, that she just couldn't _learn_ to do better. Using her magic, well, using it _well_ was impossible for her. I don't know why. I tried to find out why, but none of the research and raw data we had could explain it, and we both knew that if she couldn't focus her own power.. she'd be scrapped. Terminated. Executed.

And, again, maybe I shouldn't have cared as much as I did, but I don't regret that. I am.. I am _proud_ of having cared. It's what happened after that, that I regret. I knew that we enhance other gems. I don't think anyone quite realized that this meant even other gems of the same family. I let her use my power to balance out and control her own, and vice versa, though I.. I didn't ever _need_ her like she needed me.

So when our final examination came, the tests where they paired us off and assigned us to our first posts, I made _sure_ we went together, and did so by making it seem like _I_ needed _her_. It was an act we came up with together, and it worked. They took 'pity' on me, and framed Tourmaline as a wise and gracious leader, exactly as planned. What we didn't plan for was _her_ falling for our act as well.

From then on, we were together, and I kept letting her use me. It was what we both intended, of course. We, we knew we'd be together forever if our plan worked. But she.. she grew cruel. She used our strength to.. push others around, and it earned her a terrible reputation. And before I knew it, I couldn't stand up to her anymore. I couldn't tell her no, or I was condemning her to death again. She was the victim. I couldn't.. I couldn't say no.

And then the Fluorite and Sardonyx came to us. Tourmaline defeated them easily, and begged me to teach them the way I taught her, so that she could prove to herself she was still the strongest. I still don't.. understand why she needs to prove this, when she's the most feared Tourmaline in the Empire.. but I couldn't argue. She wanted a challenge, so I had to make her one.

And.. and they turned out to be so much.. so much more than I could have ever expected them to be. Being a kind of tourmaline myself, I can't help but read thoughts and feelings. And, and all they ever feel is.. care and concern for each other. It made me sick in the beginning. I couldn't stand it, couldn't make sense of it or even why it upset me so much.

Until just now." She sighs again, choking up. She twists her fingers together, thinking.

"See, with the war and resources being limited, soldiers included, a lot of established groups of gems are being split and reassigned to try to cover more ground. And with a brand new Diamond needing a court.. and not having a tourmaline of her own.. Yellow Diamond graciously gifted the young Pink Diamond with an Elbaite, until the war is done and over and a personal one could be commissioned for her. Me. I guess she or her court or whomever figured Tourmaline, _my_ Tourmaline, would be able to handle this section of space without me, after all this time and with her reputation being what it is. I'm.. expendable to them, because of how we framed our relationship. She's the strong one. I'm the weak one. So, she's delivering me to Earth..

The truth is, we're both strong, I can just direct my powers like I'm supposed to be able to, and she can't. She's.. defective, I guess, but I'd never call her that to her face, or even to any other gem.. She is.. any one of us could have been like her. Homeworld would have just.. labelled her broken and done away with her and thought nothing of it. That could have been me. No one.. none of us can control how we come out. It's all determined for us and.. and I don't think it's fair. It's why I helped her in the beginning, after all. Because, because she's not defective, she just.. needs some help, and she's perfectly capable.

Oh, I'm.. I've gotten a bit off track..

The breaking point for me was.. I tried to get her to just.. explain the truth. With her history, _our_ history, I figured they'd let us both go on living. Look at all that we've accomplished. I'm- I'm not saying I'm proud of it all, but, but we _have_ been effective. I thought that they'd let us both go to Pink Diamond, or let me stay with Tourmaline. But she wouldn't listen.

I don't want to go into details, but it did not go well. And that's when I realized that our captives are everything we're not. Tourmaline and I are the same kind of gem. We're partnered together for life, or we were. We should be perfect together, but we're not. We're a mess, and.. and I think we both know that. For all of Sardonyx and Phantom's differences, they're a functioning team. They're stronger together, but not because one of them pushes the other down. They lift each other up. They.. they just support each other. And, and the craziest part is that it's just because they care.

They.. they care about each other. Maybe they know that it's mutually beneficial, or maybe they don't, or maybe they don't really care about the how's and why's at this point. They care _more_ than is useful to them as individuals. I- it's hard to explain. I'm not sure I entirely understand it myself.

But it reminded me of when we were new and young and.. how I cared what happened to Tourmaline and helped her because of that caring. And I realized I hadn't actually felt that way in a long time. I stopped.. caring. And it seemed so, so very wrong to me.

Sardonyx and Phantom Fluorite are what Tourmaline and I could have been. They're more than just.. teammates or allies. They're partners, _real_ partners, they're.. I don't have a word for it, actually. If one exists, I don't know it. But they're good for each other. On purpose, with care and, and.. we're not.

So I decided that they need to go free. They deserve to keep existing. To be good and maybe inspire someone stronger than I am to be good too. My plan is to make them stronger than Tourmaline can handle, and then.. and then not help her. I don't want us to be shattered, but I do plan for us to disappear. I'll wipe the crews' memories, and we'll disappear. She's.. she's not all bad. I don't want her to die for her mistakes, for _my_ mistake. But I can't let her continue on, being terrible and cruel and hurting others, using _my_ powers to hurt others..

So we'll disappear. I'm still not sure how I'll manage this part, but it'll happen. I'm sure of it. I'll make it happen.

I so very dearly hope that it's you, Phantom, Sardonyx, who are watching this. I want you to know, if I have managed to disappear, that it was, well, on purpose. It's for everyone's good, on both sides of the war, really. And I really want you to know that it was you two that gave me the.. the strength to do this. To _do_ something. I'm grateful to have met you. I.. Part of me dreams of going with you, running away, being a rebel." She smiles, the happiest I've ever seen her. "But it can't be that way. As much as I hate what Tourmaline's become, I helped make her that way, by failing to stop her when I could. She's my responsibility now. I'm going to.. to hide us away somewhere no one will ever find us, and.. and maybe I'll manage to teach her to be good. I taught her once, right? I can teach her again. I'll do a better job, and take after the two gems who managed to teach me.

So, I wish you both luck. I.. I'm not sure how the war will go. I'm honestly not sure who I want to win, in the end. I just know I want you to be okay through it, to get some kind of happiness out of it. And I have a suggestion.

I'm not sure it will be any help to you, but.. I know you felt regret at having forgotten your past, Sardonyx. There's a place you can go to find it. It's a distant planet, almost all the way back by Homeworld, and it's not on any maps, but I know the coordinates. It's a planet of Marbles, the Rememberers. They know the truth. Every truth! They are the only gems allowed to know the uncensored history of our kind, absolutely everything.

I only know this because I tried to find out about you both, but so much has been redacted.. it was impossible for me. But they will know. And their planet is safe. No one can go there without their permission, and no one can attack them, by supreme decree of the Diamonds.

It'll be dangerous to try to go there, I'm sure, but.. it's a place for you both to find out about yourselves, and to maybe find a way to end the war. Maybe I'm just dreaming about that part. Maybe there's nothing useful there for either of you or anyone else, but I wanted to give you _something_ before I left you. Something to thank you with. This is all I have to give.

And if it is some gem from Homeworld watching this, I guess I'm already shattered and being used to power some trinket for some noble on some planet, so this information doesn't hurt me anymore. Don't worry, no one else knows this. And how do I know all this? That's a secret. My only real secret.

But I do hope it's you two. Thank you, thank you so much for reminding me. Good luck. Goodbye." She smiles and waves, then ducks out of sight.

The hologram closes itself automatically, its light replaced by that of the sun pouring over the horizon. Sardonyx looks at me with new tears in her eyes, but she doesn't seem entirely sad. There's something else there, too.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I don't know. She.. she helped us. She was.. she was like us." She says, but falters. She meshes her hands together, fingers intertwining. "She was like us."

"She _is_ like us. She's still alive. And not as lost as we thought." I correct her. She nods, and wipes away the tears. She faces the sunrise with a smile, but I can't seem to tear myself away from the sight of her face, lit up in sweet blue, to look at it myself.

"Not lost at all."


	25. Chapter 24

Chapter 24: A new way Forward

Sardonyx:

I watch as the sun, small and blue, climbs over the world, creeping into the sky. It's comforting. It reminds me of the sunrises on Homeworld, although the suns there are younger and redder and brighter.. Still, I can't remember the last time we actually saw a sunrise from the surface of a planet.

"So, are we going?" Phantom asks. For some reason, this catches me off-guard. Maybe it's that I was caught in the quiet moment, watching the sun rise and feeling nostalgic. It takes me a moment to respond.

"What do you mean?"

"Are we redirecting ourselves for this.. Marble planet?" They point at the now-closed video. I hesitate. There's a lot involved in this.

"I.. I don't know. It's very risky, I think, to turn around and head all the way back the way we came, but then again, I'm not sure anyone will expect it of us, so.." I shrug. "Do you think we should?"

"I think we could. And that you're right. All these years we've just been trying to get to Earth, or ruin shipments of weapons, or just cause trouble or whatever. It would be most unexpected of us to turn around. I think we'd be safe getting there. My only concern is what happens _when_ we get there. There's no guarantee the Marbles themselves will be kind to us, as we _are_ traitors of the Empire, but I also don't think Elbaite is purposefully sending us into a trap. I think.. I think we could do it, but the question is still should we? Do you want to? Is it worth it to find out who you were when you belonged to Homeworld?" Phantom reasons out loud. They've already thought about this quite a bit, I realize.

"I don't know. I.. I kind of want to see what I managed to accomplish, see if it's anything like I remember or if.. if it was all just an embellishment I built for myself so I didn't feel bad about.. being defective. But stroking my ego isn't worth us getting caught."

"But is finding a way to end the war?" They propose, acting a bit coy. Oh yes, they've thought about this.

"She did say she hoped there was something like that there.. and if it's true that they have all of everything ever stored there, then.. there's probably at least _some_ info on the Diamonds. Maybe.. how to stop one." I pause. "You want to go already, don't you?" They nod a little sheepishly.

"But I won't make us go there. It might not turn out to be worth it. So.. if you want to go too, if you think it might be worth it, we'll go. If you don't, we keep moving forward as we have. Towards Earth."

"Well.. I still think going just to research me is pretty foolish.. but learning how to fight a Diamond isn't. I think we should go for it." I nod, a sense of finality to the decision. Phantom beams, obviously delighted. "But first, you wanted to show me around?"

"Ah, yes! It's a pretty planet, I think you'll agree." Phantom says, grinning.

Thus, they show me the planet, narrating small bits of the more pleasant parts of their time alone and the neat things they've found here. The mountains, the water, the sky.. We rest together a couple days, and then take off, onto our next adventure..

Elbaite left the coordinates in a second document, and, when plugged into the autopilot, does indeed direct to us to a planet only four star systems away from Homeworld. It's close, relatively speaking. Those four star systems are still hundreds of thousand of millions of kilometers away from each other, but those many kilometers look small on a map.. Still, we decide to do it anyway. There's too much potential knowledge there to not go. It's a risk, but it's worth it.

As predicted, we're left alone for quite some time. Phantom entertains us by demonstrating the few songs they were able to work on while I was out, and I help them compose as I usually do, by humming some tidbit of tune or melody that they can usually construct into something marvelous. We practice some older ones, too. As usual, I can only seem to remember the words after they start to play or with a hint, but once we get going, it's much easier, like instinct, like dancing. Which we also do, though for the sake of the ship and it's limited size we refrain from fusing when we do.

Every now and then, though, as I catch a glimpse of open space and the spot I'm looking at is particularly dark, I forget that I've reformed. I'm taken back to that dreadful, neverending moment in the darkness, alone and unreal. I get frozen to the spot and I worry that I'll be trapped there forever.. but Phantom seems to know when I get like this. They never leave me this way for long. A hand on my shoulder, or a call of my name is enough to bring me back.

"Sardonyx?" They call, in one such moment, ungluing me from my transfixed state of fear. I turn, returning to the present, trying to still my shaking shoulders.

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?" They ask. They were pulling something up and I got distracted, I think.

"Yes. I can't seem to not.. look. But I get stuck. But I'm alright now." I nod. They smile supportively.

"Alright. I think there's something you'd like to see." They point to the console, reminding me. I don't respond, just nod and walk away from the window. They pull up a map, turning it holographic over the console. "Does this planet look familiar?" Phantom grins as they zoom in on a particular planet.

I look closely at it for several minutes. It's an old old old planet, of classic Homeworld design. Everything was uniform when this planet was colonized, because it's structure is intimately familiar, modeled directly after the structure of our home planet. But otherwise..

"No. Is there something special about this planet?" I admit it sadly, but Phantom only grins wider at the question and nods eagerly.

"This planet is our first adventure." They say, and let it sink in. I take my mind back, all the way back to the beginning. I remember the asteroid, although vaguely, I know it's where we met our Pyrope, and after that we discovered that ships don't last forever and then we went to a planet… but what happened there? "This is where we had our first fight together. Ah, _with_ each other, not _against_ each other. I tried to disguise myself as Pyrope with you as my prisoner, and we nearly made it away with a new ship, and then the _real_ Pyrope called ahead, asking for a tow, because we'd ejected her in a faulty escape pod. And the gem in charge, Luna Agate challenged us to a fight and there were dozens of others.." They explain, knowing I've forgotten the details, but they seem happy to recount it. I almost remember it; I feel it just outside my grasp, like shapes on the edge of sight.

"So that's the first time we were a real team?"

"Well, I'd say escaping the Pyropes on the asteroid was the first time we were a _team_ , but the planet and Luna Agate was the first time we fought together. It was the first time I really thought we'd live longer than a week." They chuckle. "It was.. an interesting time. Do you remember any of it?" Again, I think for a moment, really searching my mind and memories for that something specific, trying to drag those peripheral shapes to the center of my vision.. but they're too far out of reach, too blurry and soft to catch hold of.

"No, not really. I.. Was this before or after I nearly got lost in space?" I remember _that_ early incident very clearly, which is to say that I remember it at all. I thought I was going to drift away and be lost forever, and I know it was early in our knowing each other because of how raw it all felt back then.

"It- that was just before we met Luna Agate. A week's difference, perhaps." They look down at their hands on the console for a moment, the glow of the massive screen blindingly white on their gem and in their eye. "You remember that?" They ask quietly, a tinge of shame in their voice.

"Only vaguely. I remember.. that it happened. And that I was so scared. And it was cold. Every time we go out in open space, I remember, because it always surprises me how cold it is, and then I remember that it's _not_ surprising, that I've been there before.. And, and I remember you managed to pull me back. I don't remember how, exactly, only that it was impressive and that.. that I was grateful you did. That you even tried, that you did manage to save me.. and I think.. I think that was the moment when I was sure, on some level, that I never wanted to be alone again. And that I wanted to not be alone with you." I explain, haltingly, thinking very hard, trying to put myself back in that time and place and feeling.

"Is it?" Phantom asks with wonderment.

"I think so. Maybe not entirely consciously yet, but somewhere inside me I knew that you and I were.. partners. Allies. That we were us, if that makes any sense." I simper, feeling awkward about that wordless state of being we find ourselves in. Phantom nods, agreeing. "Do you remember it differently?"

"I.. I remember everything, but I don't remember it all very positively. It was so frightening to almost lose you and when I got you back to the ship, it was so relieving, and then I.." They stop, thinking with their hands, looking away again. "I got angry at you, even though I knew it wasn't on purpose. I was just.. I let my fear turn into anger, and I held it against you. It's not my proudest moment." They admit. "I was worried you remembered that part, too. Not that I would keep it from you, if you asked, like you just did, I just.. I hope that you remember me more positively than negatively."

"Oh, Phantom.. I do. I.." I clench my fists gently, wishing to grasp my feelings before I try to explain them. "Truth be told I only remember one negative moment, and it's distant, hazy. All of my other thoughts and memories of you are.. amazement and companionship and talks and music and dancing and.. all those outweigh that one bad memory. I outgrew it a long time ago. You _are_ positive to me. As in, you are a thing, a person _of_ positivity to me. Do you.. do you still feel guilty for things?"

"Oh.. every now and then I remember terrible things I did or said and it.. it's consuming. Logic versus emotions. I _know_ you forgave me, you've said it time and again, but I _feel_ the guilt anyway. And, as much as I want you to know the truth of everything, I do hope you've forgotten the worst of those moments, and then I feel guilty for even thinking it, for wanting to take advantage of your memory." I can hear a bit of resentment in their voice, something bitter and longheld.

"I understand. I think that, if I was you, or you were me, I'd think similarly. I mean.. I, as I am now in all actuality, also hope that you think of me positively, that, that any of my own missteps against you are forgiven, even if I don't remember them, I know _you_ can't forget them. I.. I feel bad that I've forgotten so much. That most of what we've done is no longer a memory, just a summary of an event.. that I don't even have that much sometimes.." I explain in turn, sitting on the edge of the console. "So I don't blame you for hoping for specifics about what I've forgotten. I do it too."

"Ah, I'm sorry, Sardonyx, I didn't mean to-"

"No, don't be sorry!" I put my hands out, placating, almost pleading. "It's not an easy situation, for either of us, but it's not- there's no need to apologize about it. I am what I am. It is how it is." I continue, only hoping that I express reassurance and acceptance. Phantom smiles, their face turning soft in a mellow but not muted happiness, and they reach out to put a hand on mine.

They say nothing, and neither do I, for a while. It's enough, more than enough, to just have a hand in theirs as we hurtle through space. Though it's pleasant, and calming and sweet, it leaves a strange ache in me. I crave language to describe it, but the feeling is beyond the limited vocabulary of Homeworld and the Empire. All I know is that I care deeply about Phantom and their well-being and their feelings, and it fills me with happiness to know that I can make them smile like this.

"Do you think we'll really find something useful on this Marble planet?" I ask Phantom. "As much as we're really hoping there is something, do you really think there's actually something there?"

"I have no idea. Right now all I have is hope. I have.. no expectations." They shrug. "Do you?"

"I.. I have a feeling we'll definitely learn something there, but I don't know what, or who it'll help, or if it even will help anyone. I. I don't know what to expect either."

"I've been meaning to ask about that, actually. Usually, when we encounter a new gem type, you tell me what you know about them. Have- pardon me if this comes across rudely, but _do_ you know anything about them?" Phantom asks, their eyebrow angling curious.

"I actually don't. I don't know anything about them at all. I- I've literally never heard anything about them. And, and I don't say that in the way I mean I've forgotten, I mean in the way that they are an entirely new concept. Nothing about 'Marbles' sounds or feels familiar to me. I've never heard of such a gem. I don't know what kind of gem they are or what they do or how they work. For all I know, they're fake, or it's a codename. I mean, I don't _think_ that's true, but I don't know for certain."

"I see. I figured it was something like that. I'm sure you're not surprised to hear I don't know anything about them either."

"Actually, I am a little." I counter, which takes them by surprise.

"Really? How?"

"Well, you've been around longer. You have concepts of things from long before I was made. These Marbles.. they sound ancient. I guess, if what Elbaite said was true, that they keep all the real knowledge and history, that they probably started a long time ago. We started keeping track of things, oh.. around the time we started moving out of our original solar system. Well, at least a lot better. And the planet we're heading for is _very_ near Homeworld, so that means that it was colonized very early on in our space crusade, so it fits with my basic understanding of history in that sense. So, if it's this old, and you definitely existed for all of it, there was a strong chance you may have known about it. But I didn't _expect_ you to, of course. You were a bit preoccupied, I'm sure."

"That's.. actually a very rational assumption. Unfortunately, I _was_ a bit busy at the suggested time, escaping Homeworld and finding refuge elsewhere. I forget, sometimes, how old I am. How long I've existed. So much of my time on the asteroid is a blur. Every day was the same, everything I did just.. blended together because it was all the same. I think.. I was very out of it when they caught me with the inhibitor the first time, but I think Pyrope said something about 'thirteen thousand years'. Does that sound right, based on your understanding of things?" Phantom asks, and they seem small despite the large number that could very well be their age.

"Ah.. yes. The story of Phantom Fluorite comes out of the end of the first age, just before we start _seriously_ expanding the Empire. It's probably not an exact number, but it _sounds_ right." I nod affirmatively. "Did.. did you not realize so much time had passed?"

"No. Not really. I made a lot on my asteroid, but it never felt like much. I spent a lot of time thinking, or trying not to think about things. I was very purposefully trying to _ignore_ most of the facts of my life. I guess it was easy to just let time pass me by." They shrug. "I didn't exactly have a healthy attitude about life back then."

"I think I understand." I pat their hand.

"And Elbaite, she said 'one of them is thirty times older than the other'. Is that true? That would make you, what, less than five hundred?" Phantom asks.

"You know, I think so. I remember the details of my life even less than the general history so.. I guess." I shrug. Phantom shakes their head.

"I'll never understand how you remember some things and not others." They joke. "Does that feel young to you?"

"No. Well. The only time I really felt young was when I was really, really fresh. I didn't know things, and learning was hard, and then I somehow got the hang of things, and the rest of my life was just work. Work work work. I guess I stopped thinking about being young and new. I just. Was." I shrug again.

"I feel the same." Phantom says after some thinking. "Especially after I made it to that asteroid, and made it my home. Life became mostly timeless. I was so focused on just existing and doing that marking it, measuring it with time was sort of.. needless."

"Yes, yes exactly." I nod. "For all that I don't remember the details of a lot of things, I do feel like our adventures, our time together has been punctuated with a lot more events _deserving_ of memory."

"How do you mean?" Phantom tilts their head.

"We both kind of lost ourselves in our respective works, and we became timeless, or our lives did. There's no distinct 'this happened, then that, then this, then that' kind of timeline to those parts of our lives. But now we're doing all this stuff and it's always new and different and exciting and important, we- or really you- can track what happened when, at least in a chronological sense. And we're not timeless. Our lives are, are defined by what happens when and in relation to where and to whom and.. I don't know. It feels like it all matters so much more than the first parts of our lives, barring some, uh, major incidents early on for you." I try to explain. At first, Phantom keeps up the confused face, but it slowly falls away to one of understanding and even agreement.

"I hadn't thought of it like that, but I think I feel the same. For all that those long stretches of time were important in defining us, in their own way, these moments now are, well, individual moments, and are distinct and separate and important individually, rather than being a, a formless block of time." They reiterate, trying to show their understanding. I nod.

"Exactly."

We're quiet for some time after that, again. I hum a song that I'm not sure if I'm remembering or making up, and study the planet still pulled up between us, trying to remember the details. I can.. almost remember approaching it, landing, the planning. Almost. There are snippets of thought that I'm sure come from that time, but there's a lot of 'interference', things I can't quite place as being part of that adventure or others, things that I'm certain are from similar but still different adventures, and thoughts of the now looking back. In the end, it's a mess of images and sound, none of it clear or distinct.

"We're about to pass by that solar system, I think." Phantom says, bringing me back to the present.

"You think?"

"Yes, it'll be.. on our right, I think." They say, standing. They head over to a side window, ducking to look out. "Ah, yes, here it is." They exclaim with glee, waving me over. I slide off the console's edge, bouncing over. The window is almost too high for me to look through, but standing on my tiptoes fixes that easily enough. "Look over there, just a bit to the right. We're just outside the edge of the system. The planet is roughly in the middle, there. You see it?"

"I do." The sun in this system is small and old, having shrunk from what must have been an impressive size, given the empty space around it. The very first planet is the one I presume was our first adventure, as it is the only one hollowed out, vein-like form being all that remains. It's a large one, or it used to be. The rest are hardly more than planetoids, dwarves of planets, not worthy of habitation, and presumably not rich enough in resources to merit complete destruction and harvesting. "What happened, exactly?"

"I pretended to be Pyrope, pretended to have caught you. We landed, we were greeted by Luna Agate, and she took us to a new ship. We talked, but not about very important things, and we almost got to leave when the real Pyrope radioed in. Luna Agate had been suspicious of us the entire time, but with proof of us being not what we said we were, she ordered an attack against us. Before we could decide how to deal with it, you were pulled out of the cockpit, and I went chasing after you. We fought a small horde of gems, but none of them were warriors, and then Luna Agate showed up, and challenged us. She gave us a bit of backstory, and we fought. Well, you two fought, really. I tried to help, but really it was you who kept her occupied, until you got trapped by something. A section of wall, I think.

You had been tossing huge pieces of it at her like it was nothing, but the largest one she had to catch to survive it, and she threw it right back. So I tried to use the ship against her, caught her enormous whip in the engine, but she let go at the last minute. Then she caught me in it, made some.. very effective threats, and I thought we were done for, that you were crushed behind a wall somewhere, that I was on my way back to Homeworld for White Diamond or torture or, heavens, both. Then you came out of nowhere and got her right in the face with your gauntlets. She didn't see you coming until it was too late.

Then her Cassiterites helped us leave by readying a new ship for us. They promised to be as quiet about what happened as possible. They were very sweet. And then we left." Phantom recounts pleasantly.

"I think I remember the Cassiterites. I hope they're alright." I remember.. I remember oval eyes that were green and brown and yellow. And a pair of glasses.

"I think they are. We never heard about anything happening to them. We tapped reports for them, after we learned how, but nothing ever came up." They say, looking away from the planet to look at me.

"That's good." I don't know what else to say. "Imagine if we could stop in for a visit. How interesting that would be. Would they remember us?"

"I would think so, after a reminder. Or maybe they'd know us on sight. We're fairly distinct. How many runaway Fluorites and Sardonyxes do you think they see a day?"

"Goodness, probably thousands." I joke back.

"Well, then, it would probably take a bit of reminding. Maybe a reenactment?" They chuckle.

"Oh, if only. We've learned a couple things, though. We'd kick their butts even worse than last time, and a lot faster, too." I flex, pretending to be ferocious.

"Oh, much! We're terrifying now. If Luna Agate wasn't afraid of you before, she'd quake in her heels if she met us now!" Phantom proclaims, twirling me around. I giggle. I love when they get like this, acting happy and free. "That'd almost be worth a visit, huh?"

"Almost, yeah." I sigh, and fall into a hug. Phantom doesn't seem to mind, simply hugging me back. "Maybe on the way back." I try to keep the joke going, but I just come across as tired.

"Maybe." They agree, just as tired. It makes for a fun daydream, but little more. We go back to contented silence, and watch as Luna Agate's planet disappears in the nothingness, far, far behind us.


	26. Chapter 25

Chapter 25: Agate Strikes Back

Sardonyx:

Five days later, we are within a single star system of the Marbles' planet, preparing ourselves with theoretical possibilities and plans and contingencies. We're in the middle of a battle plan when we get a call.

It's not the first time we've received a call when traveling through Homeworld controlled territories, and we normally ignore them, or Phantom will answer in disguise, or such. Sometimes it amounts to nothing, sometimes it causes a lot of trouble, sometimes it's just a small inconvenience. We're used to it. What we're not used to is it automatically answering for us.

The hologram pops up out of nowhere, a gem furiously asking who we are, what we're doing in this sector, on who's authority- but then they stop.

"You." The gem over the hologram states, face turning from cold but passive questioning to realisation to anger.

"Luna Agate?" Phantom exclaims, just as surprised, though there is fear in their eye. As they step back instinctively, retreating, I remember seeing that expression, and her face is suddenly familiar. I remember her. What she did. Luna Agate- the first gem I ever got angry at. The only gem I ever hated, even temporarily. I bare my teeth in the start of a growl, but her call, her hologram cuts out before I can do anything.

"What was that?" I ask, though it's not likely Phantom knows anything either.

"I have no idea! How- we passed her _planet_ a _week_ ago! What is she doing _here_?" They ask, confused and afraid.

"I don't know! Maybe they promoted her?"

"To _what_? There's nothing out here! And after you so easily defeated her? I can't imagine-" They don't get to finish, as the ship reels and sends us to our knees. We're being attacked- "How'd they get here so soon?" They're right, we're not by any planets yet, we were just outside the neighboring system of our destination, beyond even the small belt.

I don't answer, I don't have one, but I do head to the console and tear out our plug drives, tucking them in my wide belt for safe-keeping. It's standard practice. Then I summon my gauntlets and help Phantom to their feet.

"What'll we do?" I ask.

"I don't know. Their ships are all over us. They're- they're trying to pry open part of the side." Phantom observes, pointing to a corner of the ship.

"Can you push them away? Or push us through their ships?"

"I think I'm strong enough, yes." They say, and brace themselves. I feel the forces around the ship moving, changing, strengthening elsewhere, like a magnetic wind. They stiffen as they fight the ship, hands twitching as they battle with enemies out of my sight. "They- they're too big. If I pry us loose, it'll tear the ship apart. But maybe- maybe if I tear the hooks off _their_ ships-" They groan and try again, redirecting their power.

But I hear a groaning of a different kind, coming from the back corner. I see the internal structure buckling and straining, and I see that even if Phantom can knock them off us, it won't be in time for them to tear all the way into us.

"Phantom-" I try to warn, but then they're through, and the cry of the void steals away my words. I catch Phantom as they're pulled toward the new opening, saving them, latching us to the floor. I can feel them still trying to free the ship, but I know that losing their concentration like that has probably undone the work they _had_ managed to do.

The pull dies down and I pick us up, setting Phantom on their feet, but gems of all kinds are pouring into our tiny ship, aggressively swarming us. Soon there's hardly any room for them to move, hardly any space between them and us. I growl, gauging how sure of themselves they are. A couple growl back- not good.

"Phantom," I whisper, ", what do we do?"

"I was hoping you would know." They whisper back, joking. "I think I can push them back, and we can rush them."

"Go for it. We'll charge a ship." I nod, readying myself. It's still in the ship for a moment longer, no gem moving, no gem ready to break the stillness quite yet, Phantom building their power... and then suddenly they strike, the circle of gems pushed back against the walls. Immediately we rush for the improvised exit, while they struggle between Phantom's power and the wall of the ship. I lead the rush, punching and shoving others out of the way, Phantom ducking out behind me.

Thankfully, our ship is new enough that it has an automatic external gravity generator, so we don't immediately float off into space, unhindered and unsecured. Immediately I see there are three ships about four times larger than ours immediately pressed against us, trapping ours in a literal pinching of hull and ship. We're not going anywhere in this one anymore. More gems swarm out, unhesitant about attacking us. Phantom shoves them away as though they were just pebbles falling down a hill, and I deflect those who dare too close by throwing them back to their ships. More than half of them are fitted with body mods that save them from that helpless floating, so it is unfortunately fast that they return to us, ready to fight again.

Phantom resorts to poofing them by squeezing their forms until they can't survive the pressure, and I likewise take to sending my fists through them rather than tossing them away, but this is by far more exhausting for both of us, and usually taking more time for me. Nevertheless, we persist. What else can we do? We are unwilling to give up or give in.

However, someone gets past me eventually, and they nearly poof Phantom. I manage to stop _that_ from happening, but in my mad wrestling with her, I am tackled by another gem. We three roll in a tangle of limbs, and like a rabid, corrupted gem I snarl and continue to fight, even as they cuff me, not once or even twice, but in several places along my arms and even my legs. It is only with a sword point to my gem I finally let myself still. I can't fight death. Not like that.

And so, captured, I am held hostage. The gems holding me command Phantom to stop, but like me, it's not until they return the sword to my gem that they actually do. They grimace, but put up their hands. We just escaped captivity, and it chafes to be caught again so soon, but I know they'd never let harm come to me, not like this. But we're not on Homeworld yet. There's still time to fight back, to get free. Besides, they're already exhausted, I can see it in their eye. It wouldn't be long before they ran out of power entirely. They probably figure it's best to conserve what strength they have left.

So, cuffing Phantom and putting a muffler on me, we're loaded into a ship and taken.. wherever. They don't tell us anything, and make certain we can't hear them. Or I can't, at least. Phantom listens in as best they can, but they're tired and the gems on this ship are talking strangely, in code, they say. They don't understand and there's no way for me to express any possible ideas I have, unable to talk or even try to gesture. We sit in silence as the ship starts to jump, something I haven't felt in a long time. I've never known a ship this small to be capable of such a thing- the power it would need!

Phantom seems wildly disturbed by the sensation, and I wonder if they've never felt a warp before, and I try to send them thoughts of reassurance, the only thing I might be able to do to help from across the room and with no hands or voice. 'It's okay', I try to think. They don't seem to be able to hear my thoughts- who knows how warping could affect their powers?- but my calmness, physically, seems to do something for them, at least.

They relax even more when we come out of it, though who knows where we are now. This also explains how they found us so quickly, or, rather, how they _got_ to us so quickly.

Phantom continues to relax, getting over the physical side effects of warping, the 'body dizziness' that usually accompanies the first jump. I just try to make eye contact so they know they're okay. It's all I can do. The ship slows down, is still and quiet for several moments, then rattles strangely, and then is still again. Phantom is looking, but they're quiet too, concentrating but having a difficult time of it.

"They're docking another ship midair. We're over a planet, but it's all funny." I tilt my head. "There's this white stuff falling from the sky, there are clouds but, but we're not in space, and it's not dust. It's- it's water, I think, but frozen? I don't understand it. I can't see through all the movement, it's too much-" They break off, stop looking, their sight and their focus returning to here. "There's so much moving out there it's- it's so hard to focus. I'm sorry." I shake my head at this, but their eye is unfocused and tired. It must really be overwhelming for them, considering how much they rely on their powers to navigate.. I get to work on breaking my restraints. It'll be hard, there's six different ones on my arms, but they're not all titanium, and I know that once the weaker ones are broken, the rest will be a cinch.

I only manage to crack through two of them before a small group of gems come into the room. I glare at them as they collect Phantom, but they can't resist, too weak and too disoriented to try anything. They put me on two leads, one in front and one behind, but thankfully the cuffs I managed to crack were not the ones they chose to hook the back lead to, and they somehow didn't noticed the cracks. I don't fight the leads, even though I really want to.

So they drag us through the ship until we reach the port, where, indeed, another ship is hooked up by a catwalk. I can see what Phantom meant about the planet being weird, now. There _is_ white stuff just falling out of the sky, so much and so thick and far that the sky and ground are both invisible through the haze of it. I wonder if this is some kind of trick.. but I forget about that when I see the gem standing on that catwalk, in the open, chilly air.

"Luna Agate." Phantom says for me, glaring at her for us both. She only laughs. Standing inside the doorway of the second ship is her Pearl, who watches us from the side of her vision, like she doesn't want to look at us too closely.

"Are you surprised to see me, rebels? I must admit, I never thought I would be graced with a reunion either, but here we are." She says. I remember how she talked down to Phantom, how she threatened them with what they fear the most, and I can't help but try to growl underneath the muzzle. The sound goes nowhere, unheard even by me, but it's satisfying to try anyway. "I must apologize, but talking will have to wait until we've landed. Unfortunately most spaceships are unable to land on this planet, so we had to pick you up the hard way. I figured you wouldn't appreciate an air drop." She jokes, sneering down at us. "Now, come along. We do have much to discuss, and I have many new tricks I'd like to try out on you.." She gestures to the gems corralling us to take us across.

I shake my head, resisting, digging my heels into the floor. A weight like a ball of molten steel sits heavy in my stomach. I don't like what she's implying by 'tricks', and I can see Phantom is afraid and uncomfortable as well. But they pull me first out onto the catwalk, which feels sturdy enough, but the inability to see the ground through all the white, even if I know it must be distant, makes me dizzy. And it's cold, crisply cold, almost like space, just as empty, only white and fluffy. They pull me across anyway, until we're about halfway and I hear Luna Agate take deep thooming steps on the catwalk in stark contrast of Phantom Fluorite's forced but soft pattering steps.

"I'm sure you're particularly familiar with the tricks I've learned, Fluorite. I look forward to your reviews." She murmurs to them.

I need not be a mind reader to know, to _feel_ the fear in Phantom, and realize fully what she means. She means to torture, to hurt, to violate and try to _ruin_. The ball of molten steel in my gut ignites inside me, and I turn to fury.

The cuffs snap effortlessly as I wrench my arms out, immediately tearing at the muzzle on my face. I toss the heavy muzzle at the gem who had the rear lead, knocking her from the catwalk with a resounding _tonk_ when it hits her head. The gem who had my front lead tackles me from behind, but I pull her off me with a swift tug over my shoulders. I slam her into the catwalk, making everything rattle, then throw her by the shoulders off. Luna Agate holds Phantom Fluorite by the shoulder, her other hand going for her gem at her hip.

In a flash, she has her whip out and zipping at me, wrapped too tight around my right wrist, but that's fine by me. I let her pull me toward her, using _her_ strength to send _my_ heel into her face, knocking her away from Phantom, back towards the spaceship.

"Quick- how far is the ground?" I unwrap some of the whip from my arm, but I keep the end clutched tightly in my hand and unbind Phantom. It should be long enough for what I need.

"Almost survivable distance. I can't catch us both though. It wouldn't be a fun landing.." They reply, tired. I put my free arm around Phantom's waist anyway, picking them up. Luna Agate stands, frothing, looking ready to retaliate. I won't give her the chance.

"That's okay." I say, and jump into the white oblivion.

Down, down, down we go, until the whip snaps taut, pulling my shoulder painfully. We swing for a moment, Phantom holding onto me, desperately fearful.

"O-okay. Now what?" Phantom asks. I can feel Luna Agate starting to pull us up, the jerking motion almost too much for my poor shoulder to bear.

"Now.. now you're not gonna like my plan." I sigh, and take my arm from around them.

"What do you-" I don't let them finish, taking one of their hands in mine, prying them off me. They're light, the whole of their weight easy to bear in a single hand. I lower them down as far as my arm can stretch them as they look up at me, obviously confused and concerned. Their hand grips mine, but it's not enough to keep them there. "Sardonyx- this isn't- I can't _catch us both_ -"

"You only have to catch yourself, Phantom. We'll find each other. Goodbye." I say shortly, and let go them, their hand sliding effortlessly out of mine. They gasp as they fall, their hands reaching, but I pull my hand back, and Luna Agate pulls me up. Phantom Fluorite disappears in the white, safe and free.

I just let myself hang, then, my mission done. I let Luna Agate pull me up, hoist by hoist. I do nothing else until I feel her maddened grip on my wrist, lifting me up to face her, but even then, I don't really _do_ anything. I simply open my eyes to face her.

"What were you possibly thinking?!" She snarls, and then looks down at my waist, and then my hand, and then she realizes that I'm alone. Her fury turns to a strange understanding, further changing into a sneer.

"I promised I'd never let them go through that again. I promised." I say, scowling.

"So you'll go alone, willingly, in their place, to their pain?" She asks. I only nod. "How noble of you. Very well. We'll find the Fluorite anyway. You're only delaying the inevitable." At this, I snarl.

"I _promised_. _Never_." I sneer back, stiffening under her hold. I'd fight a thousand armies to ensure it. I'd break myself to pieces to protect them.

"We'll see." She says, smiling. "For now, you have it your way. Let's see if it makes you happy." She tosses me into the second ship, at the feet of her Pearl, who looks down at me imperiously. She scoffs at me, derisive, and steps back as Luna Agate steps on board.

I rise to my feet, but Luna Agate takes hold of me by my hair, half guiding and half dragging me away from the door, which her Pearl shuts before following behind us.

"I want to know what your reasoning is, Sardonyx." Luna Agate says, commanding, still dragging me. "How do you know your partner has even survived?"

"Well- you showed no concern over your gems being casually tossed into the void, so I figured we're not too far- ow- off the ground if you thought they'd survive. I know you're not _that_ cruel to just let them fall to their doom. Plus there's all this atmospheric nonsense going on-"

"It's a phenomenon called 'weather'. This weather is called 'snow'- frozen water." She explains. Phantom was right- I'm not surprised there.

"-which means there's still significant enough actual gravity for there to _be_ an atmosphere, so the planet is probably mostly land or what have you, not yet hollowed or harvested. And they can brace their impact with their mind. It's a trick we use a lot." I finish.

"Interesting. And you figured the snowy hellscape below is better than any I could ever serve to you?"

"For them, yes."

"You know, I've read every report publically available on you two since you came to my previous planet. You are _fascinating_. I cannot wait to tear you apart, to hear everything from the source." She comments, more than a little sadistically, looking down at me without turning her head. She shoves me to the floor, and when no one tackles me or tries to cuff me or pull me to my feet, I realize there are no other gems in this ship besides her, her Pearl, and me.

"Wh-where is everyone else?"

"On the planet. I couldn't wait for a squad to assemble, so we came up ourselves. None of them could handle you, anyway, could they, Pearl?" She asks, half turning for an answer.

"No, my lady." She replies, shaking her head slowly, a swooping curl of hair dancing in front of her eyes. Luna Agate gestures to a door, and her Pearl curtsies, heading out. Luna Agate crouches in front of me, a strange look in her eyes.

"No. You're _special_ , Sardonyx. We're going to find out _why_." She lilts, almost sweetly, almost _kindly_ taking my chin in her hand, pouting. This unnerves me more than I think anything else possibly could have. "Are you going to try to run?" She asks, the ship starting to move, presumably by the Pearl's hand.

"No." I say, though the knowledge that there are no gems on this ship besides us makes it tempting. I know that if _I_ go out in the snow, they'll all be out looking for both of us, but if I stay, it may at least give Phantom some time to hide and recover before they try to find them, or use me to lure them out.

"Good." She finally stands up, out of my face. I stay on the floor, if for no other reason than to be defiant. She says nothing the rest of the way, and neither do I. I only put my mind on Phantom, and hope that they really are okay out there. I feel assured this course of action wasn't a mistake, but I am afraid of what comes next.

I still know that anything they do to me, it's better than letting it happen to _them._


	27. Chapter 26

Chapter 26: Try not to Break

((AN: trigger warning: torture, hallucinations, electrocution, deprivation))

When we land, Luna Agate takes me by the wrist again, knowing she can do what she wants with me, and pulls me along, not quite roughly, but nowhere near pleasantly. She grips my arm like I am a precious metal, perhaps not delicate, but certainly of value and worth holding onto, but she does so with a regulated _harshness_.. She is a strange gem. She smirks at me, and then tosses me from the ship, sending me tumbling on the floor. Here, finally, a crowd of gems rush to secure me, to tie me down, restrain me.

"Take her to the tank." Luna Agate commands them, and like creatures of madness they scramble to carry me, pulling and gripping my form all over. Here, I do start to resist- their hands on me are most uncomfortable, unregulated, unrefined, careless and hungry hands trying to all keep hold of me. But their writhing masses are impossible to escape, and I suffer the discomfort in silence.

The walk to this 'tank' seems to go on forever, through unmarked, monotonous halls, until it suddenly ends. The group drops me to the floor, my back taking the brunt of the fall, but I can no more recover from the sudden fall than one of them shoves me back.. into a hole.

Again, my back and rear take the worst of it, but the slight pain of the fall are nothing this time, not compared to the complete panic I experience when I realize the darkness of the hole. It's pitch black, painted or stained or dyed that way, which I can only tell briefly before the light from above is cut off entirely, and then I'm alone in true darkness. I light up my gem, just a touch, to try to find a way out, but it's a uniformly smooth and perfectly spherical hole. I put a hand on the surface, but it's perfectly smooth, almost no texture at all. I pull my hand back, the feeling too close to the way the 'ground' felt when I was unformed, disturbed. It's unsettling how similar the non-texture of the ground then and this place now feel..

I summon a gauntlet, but hesitate. It didn't work out then, would it work now? I am at least sure that _this_ won't disappear if I try to smash it, but what else _could_ happen is what scares me. I don't know. I honestly have no clue what to expect of any of this. It's too.. new, too unknown, and too strange.

I decide to tap the surface to start, and when that produces no result but an incredibly muted 'chink' sound, I rap on it with my knuckles, the sound no stronger in volume or length that when it was only my finger tips.. strange. I can't feel any vibrations from it, either. I knock on it harder, but still nothing changes. No louder a noise, no sense of any reverberations, as though I hadn't touched it at all. A little bit angry, I give it a hard punch, but it's _solid,_ unyielding. I cry out as my gauntlets are forced to bear all the energy of the blow, cracking as they reverberate, exploding into light. My hand _aches_ from the force of it.

What in all the worlds do they have me in? Even if i can't get out, what do they hope to achieve by putting me here? Is this some sort of twisted time capsule? Will they bury me here only to dig me up years from now? I can't _die_ in here..

I sit in the near darkness, thinking of all sorts of things, trying to pass the time, trying to figure out what the point of all this is. I have no way of knowing how long it is that I'm in here before it happens. My light starts to go out.

It starts with a sort of ache, just behind my gem, in my forehead. A straining sensation, like holding something at shoulder height for hours and hours, a patiently building force of discomfort. I don't quite notice the ache itself for a while, but I do when my light flickers and dies and the localised strain goes with it, and I am left in total darkness again. In dull, dumb confusion, I simply sit in the dark for several moments, unable to process what just happened.

"What's happening?" I ask aloud, but my voice sounds far away and dulled. Speaking out loud, I realize what a struggle it is. It's _difficult_ to talk, to move my mouth and produce sound.. Worried, I flex my hand, and find the motion slow and difficult, and further realise it's because I feel tired. _Tired_. I am _tired_.

"It's a deprivation tank." I state out loud again, the realisation too much to keep in. I'm tired, and I've done nothing but sit in a hole for who knows how long? It could be nothing else that caused this. They're starving me. The thought sinks in, but I can't quite process this, either. I didn't think these existed anymore. They were old, archaic forms of punishment, and too hard to make to use widely, so the use of them was discontinued.. or so I thought. Where in the Empire are we, if they have even _one_ of these?

So they plan to keep me in here until I am out of energy, totally empty of any kind of strength, and then what? Will they pluck me out at the last second, taking advantage of my weakness in who knows what ways? Will they let my form fade to nothingness, or worse, let my gem shatter trying to keep me alive with nothing to run on? Is this the end? I was under the impression there would be _more_ to this, but if this is the fate I've saved Phantom from, it's still worth it to have taken it from them, even if, as Luna said, they inevitably catch them. It would be worth it to push this terrible fate back, even a little bit.

Still, if this is my end, this darkness and starvation therein, I suppose I'll never know one way or another. If I die in here, this hole will be all I know until the very end. I'll go out without accomplishing anything, without knowing my dear Phantom's fate, without helping _anyone_.. and I had rather hoped to at least go down fighting..

Now that I'm faced with perhaps imminent death, I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Who could ever _actually_ be ready for it, though? I suppose you can try to prepare yourself, but until you're there on the edge of life and death, can you really say you're ready? I know I'm not, and I may be fast approaching that edge.. There was so much I still wanted to do, so much I wanted to see, so much I hoped for, for both myself and others.

And Phantom, poor Phantom, who'll be alone in existence when I am gone. Will they even know it, if and when I go? Or will they wonder, ever wonder where I am, and try to save me? If I die here, will they futilely still try to save me from Luna Agate, not knowing I'm gone, and get captured themself? What would they do if they saw me, or my gem, lifeless, gone? What if they never knew at all? I would hope they would know somehow, and move on, and do great things. I know they're capable of amazing things on their own.. Truly, I depend on them more than they do on me.. I hope they make it to Earth, or at least to the Marble planet, and learn whatever terrible Diamond secrets they can there, and then to Earth, and win the war, and live happily.. I hope they're not alone for long.

With that thought of hopeful positivity, I, regretful but resigned, count myself ready to face personal oblivion, and I sit, quietly awaiting the end, one way or another..

" _Sardonyx.._ " A voice calls from nowhere. It startles me to my feet, wobbling. I try to light up my gem again, but I can't manage even a glimmer of a glow, so I take to feeling the spherical hole with my hands. No, no, everything is still solid, still empty. I am still alone. I must have imagined it, or it was a memory bubbling up, as they sometimes do.

" _Sardonyx…"_ It calls again. No, it's not a figment, and it's not a memory. I physically _hear_ it. I whip around, hands out, seeking the source of the voice. This can't be happening- these tanks keep all sound and light and energy out, and if there's no one else _physically in here with me_ , there's no way I can be hearing this.

" _Why did you leave us? Come back to us…"_

"Who are you!?" I try to yell, but my voice still sounds like it's miles away, and too soft to be mine. "Where are you?!"

" _Sardonyx, Sardonyx, Sardonyx.."_ The voice sings, over and over and over. Slowly, it grows louder and louder, and it adds to itself, overlapping until there sounds like there are a hundred of them, but there's _still_ no one here. I put my hands to my head, a feeble and useless attempt to block them out, but the voices drill into me, become a _part_ of me, dizzying me with the sheer mass of it. I try more than once to ask, to beg it to stop, but underneath the weight of their voices, my own might as well be as thick as air itself.

I try to wait it out. I try to be patient, but it calls to me, " _Sardonyx, Sardonyx, come back to us, Sardonyx"_ , singing my name as though I were woe itself. It begs me, it pleads with me, over and over and over, never ending, never tiring, though I slowly wilt against the unnatural material of the tank myself. The voice and all it's impossible copies grow stronger as I grow weaker, almost as if it were consuming me.

I can find no peace of mind as it repeats itself, becoming cacophonous and unworldly, the words losing all meaning, the tone consistent and persistently desperate and hollow. It's a song of suffering, of endless pain and misery such that I can't imagine _feeling_ so much ever before at all, everything I've ever known practically numb compared to this.. Everything I once felt and knew shrinks and becomes small and weak and fragile, vague and unreal, replaced by the hellish chorus and it's infinite sorrow.. Still, I almost grow used to it, almost, until I start to feel hands on my form.

I shriek, trying and failing to stand. I manage only to roll from one side to another, weakly leaning on the rounded sides, and my voice is inaudible under that of the haunting ones, who seem to grow more desperate. Then I feel it again, like a hand of ice on my back, kneading me. I try to brush the sensation away, but more and more come and don't let go- but there's nothing _in here_ with me!

I feel a renewed sense of dread and fear and confusion. None of this is real, none of this can be happening, none if it makes _sense_. I am alone in a dark hole in the ground of some stars-forsaken planet, and yet I hear voices and feel hands on my form! How? How!?

I can do nothing to stop the hands from pleading with me in their own way, raking up and down my arms and legs and torso, ghostly fingers trying to dig into me. And, as I grow more and more tired, the worse that pleading becomes, the harsher they feel against my thinning form. I feel like a ghost myself, incorporeal and vague, but I know I am still more real than they are. Even so, I cannot deny the uncomfortable way they feel against me, and how tired I grow of them and the begging voice and the dark and the cold- oh the cold! It feels so cold in here, so empty.

I feel my mind drifting, falling, slowing…

An unknowable amount of time later, harsh light spills in, waking me up, somehow bringing me back to myself. I feel as though I wandered through the universe itself, became one with everything, found peace and tranquility and was forced back to this existence that knows only war and hell and suffering...

I cannot resist as someone pulls me up and out of the dark, letting me drape across the floor like a fallen and forgotten curtain. I feel strength ever so slowly returning to me, and I find it within myself to open my eyes, and try to move. I cannot as much as grip my hand into a fist, but my eyes do slowly flutter open, revealing a blurry figure looming over me.

"She's awake, my lady." A voice says, but it's not the voice from the tank, and I am glad to finally have a sound that doesn't make me crave eternal silence. I feel as though I know this voice, but both the face it belongs to and the voice itself simply _are_ , unattached to any name or recognition.

"Good. Have her brought to the chair." Another voice says, delegating this responsibility to the first. The chair? What chair? There are places beyond the tank and this room? The hovering face disappears in a pale brown blur, and I feel dizzy as yet another someone appears, though no voice accompanies them, and drags me somewhere else.

They prop me up in some room, in a chair, as promised, and they strap down my arms to the sides, and put a band around my waist and even some kind of harness or helmet on my head, to keep me still, I presume. I find it hard to support my own form, so I am grateful for the assistance. But then they leave, and it is quiet for what feels like a long time.

Sense and memories slowly drift back to me in the quiet, then, and I realize that this is probably the 'more' I was so afraid of before the tank. Heavens, I had forgotten there was ever anything before the tank.. what a terrible thought that is.

Eventually, Luna Agate comes in, sitting in front of me in a chair of her own, although she obviously does so without restraint or 'assistance'. She smiles at me, almost gentle.

"So, how are we feeling?" She asks. I open my mouth, but I can't seem to form words. "Take your time."

"I'm.." I manage, but the word, the sound fills me, too much, too much. I close my eyes, and try again anyway. "I'm great." I say, dropping the sentence like I might drop a fireball on an enemy ship.

"Ah, you must be if you can manage to be sassy." Luna Agate claps once, twice, the paps echoing painfully in my head. "We're going to start gentle, Sardonyx. We're going to gauge how you reacted to your first foray into deprivation, and go from there. I'm going to ask you questions, and you will answer to the best of your ability. Now, sometimes you will give answers that I don't like. We'll have to deal with that, won't we?" She asks, rhetorical. She waves a hand to someone I can't see, and a jolt of something hits me. It buzzes, and it stings, but it fades away quickly. "Did you feel that?"

"Yes."

"That was just a tiny sample of electricity. Your partner fears it. Do you know why?"

"It's.. the only force we know of that can.." I have to pause, my own voice too loud. ".. that can disrupt our forms in a way that's.. painful.. that doesn't also disassemble us…" Luna Agate nods, her smile sage and proud.

"Very good. In essence, it's the only _other_ form of torture we really have. Now, we both know from personal experience that you can resist more than average voltage and feel little or no pain. It's quite fortunate, then, that this compound is equipped with several very powerful generators that we use nowhere near the full extent of. If we need to, we'll be able to use _quite_ a large amount of power on you. Do you understand?" She purrs, delighted.

"Yes." I mumble. I am exhausted, so tired, so overwhelmed.. Luna Agate keeps on smiling.

"Speak clearly, Sardonyx." She motions to the unseen gem, and I am hit with a stronger wave of energy, one that forces my form to clench, pushing against my restraints. It's not yet painful, but it's incredibly uncomfortable. "Do you understand?" She asks again, when it ends.

"Yes." I spit out, dizzy again.

"Good. Now, tell me what you remember."

"About what?"

"Let's start with your own life." She clarifies, after a long moment of thought. She leans forward in her chair, elbows on her knees, hands clasped together.

"I was made.. not on Homeworld, but I transferred there.. after I finished my education. I did a lot of research about.. gem productivity. The war started. My defect was discovered. I ran away instead of facing termination.. I.. met Phantom Fluorite. We.. we.. became partners. We try to get to Earth. We want to join the war.. We also.. fight. Make a mess of things. For the Empire. On our way there. We.. we.." I speak, haltingly, having to think often, both about what I want to say and how to say it and how not to be overwhelmed by the intense proximity of my own voice. "We're going to Earth." I finish. That's all, I'm sure.

"Alright. Then what are you doing back here?" She nods, then stares at me questioningly. But I don't understand.

"Where are we?"

"You're near Homeworld. Within six systems of it. You were halfway to Earth, but now you're back here. Why?" She elaborates.

"I.. I don't know." Her eyes deaden, and she gestures again. I don't have time to brace before another, again stronger wave of energy pulses through me. It _burns_ this time, like every part of me is switched 'on' at full force, but unable to go anywhere or do anything. When it disappears, I cough, my head too heavy to hold up, my _everything_ too heavy to hold up. Were it not for my restraints, I'm sure I would melt out of the chair.

"I know that's not true. You're partners. You tell each other _everything_. You must, for such a team to function as long and as well as you have. Why are you here?" Luna Agate asks again, more seriously, the smile gone from her face. Lamely I try to shake my head.

"No, no I don't.. I don't know. I don't know why we're here." I don't even see her motion this time, too quickly am I consumed by the fire. And worse, worse again, it tears through me, and longer, hotter.

"Why are you here?" Luna Agate asks, her hand ready to go again.

"I don't- I don't remember!" I blurt. This catches her off-guard. "I don't know because I don't remember.. it happens."

"So _that's_ what's wrong with you." She sits back, crossing her arms. "So, do you remember our first encounter?"

"Yes." I spit. "And nothing is _wrong_ with me. I'm just.. different. I have a difficulty, that's.. that's all." Luna's smile returns, amused by this.

"You said 'this happens'. Do you ever remember things you've forgotten?"

"Yes. Sometimes. It.. depends."

"Depends on what?" She asks.

"How important it was.. what kind of thing it was.. how long ago it was… hints, sometimes, help." I list.

"Here's a hint: there's something special in this part of the universe. Do you remember now?" She suggests, but I feel nothing.

"No." I reply dryly. She nods.

"I see. And how about now?" She asks, and then gestures to her assistant before I can reply or ask her not to, electricity coursing through me again, stronger, more consuming, more forceful and freezing. I feel my body shake and twitch outside my control, in pain but unable to do anything about it. I gasp when they release me, sinking back into the chair. "Do you remember now?" Luna asks again.

"N-n-no." I say, shaking.

"A shame. We'll have to try again, then." She motions as though calling for more of something, and smiles at me.

My world explodes again, my form alight with fire and pain and that terrible, too-kind smile.


	28. Chapter 27

Chapter 27: Endless

Sardonyx:

I twitch, ever so slightly, even though the electricity is turned off. I can feel waves of it left over in me, buzzing, burning. Luna Agate asks a question, but I can't hear her, or can't process her words, or some mix. But instead of shocking me again, she repeats herself.

"How do you feel?" I finally understand her after the third repetition. I have several impulse responses, but no energy with which to deliver them as bitterly as they deserve.

"Tired. Hurt." I say plainly. It's hardly an accurate summary of all the things I'm feeling, but it'll have to do. Luna Agate just continues to smile, quite pleased with herself.

"Good. We'll stop this for now. Wouldn't want to burn you out so soon, would we?" She asks, sitting back in her chair. She claps, using the command for a Pearl to leave, "That will be all." I hear soft shuffling of feet, and the opening and shutting of a door, and then we are, presumably, alone. "Tell me about your time in the tank. What was it like?"

"Terrible." Another too-small description, but I can't summon the ability to care right now.

"No, no, tell me what you _experienced_. Of course it was terrible, but terrible how? I want to know all the dirty details." She practically begs. "You can take your time, now. This part isn't being tested, but I _would_ appreciate your honesty." She is eager, curious, but not in a happy wonder or acute amazement. She is hungry, carnivorous, desperate to know the pain I felt. I take a breath, hold back a shudder, and think about it. I decide simply to tell her, for I can't think of how to possibly lie about it, what I could make up about a horrible thing like that. I take another moment to try to collect myself about it, to put it into words everything I felt.

When I speak, my words come slow and slight, taxed and trite.

"At first it was confusing. Why did you put me there? What was the point? And I didn't realize until I couldn't conjure a light anymore, that I was getting _tired_ from sitting in a _hole_ , that I realized what it was. And then I thought, I thought it was the end, there. Why else would you put me in there? Why put me there _first_? I know now, of course, but I felt I should assume the worse, assume _death_. I.. tried to make peace with it. I think I started to.

And then I heard a voice. I panicked, I mean, I was alone in a hole, famous for cutting a gem off from all light and sound and energy.. so how could there be a voice but no one in with me? I thought I was imagining it, or remembering something, but it happened again, and got louder and got worse. It felt like the voice moved inside me, and was drowning me out. I think.. I think I started to want to be done, then. For it to just end. For _me_ to end. It was unbearable, but it kept going, kept happening, kept eating me.

I started to feel hands, too. Hands everywhere, grabbing my arms and my hair and legs, holding onto me, but I don't know why.

Eventually, I got so tired that I just.. stopped feeling. Stopped hearing. Drifted away. I- I knew the voice and the hands were still there and still going, I just.. stopped feeling them personally, somehow.. And then someone pulled me out. It was over."

"We left you in too long, then. I apologize." I hear her say, but I can't believe it. I look at her, stunned in a new way, before finally managing to _think_.

"Wh-what?"

"We've never put a Sardonyx in a deprivation tank before, but we guessed how long you could survive based on similar gems and your personal.. tenacity. By the time you 'stop feeling', you're generally very close to dying due to lack of energy, something a gem would otherwise never experience. We did not intend to let you stay that long in the tank _yet_. I fully intended for you to get to hallucinations this time around, but only a taste. I apologize for the clumsiness on my part." Luna Agate explains, half educational, half apologetic. She seems… actually repentant. But there is that ominous 'yet', meaning she fully intended to take me that far, to let me go to the edge, just on her own time, at her own chosen pace. I don't know what to say, knowing that.

"How long was I in there?"

"Only two and a half days. More precisely, one hundred and twenty-four hours. It doesn't sound like much, but much larger gems than you have only survived around thirty." She praises me, _consoling_ me.

"If- if larger gems only last _thirty_ , why would you think I could last _even_ that, let alone a hundred?" I ask, incredulous.

"Like I said, based on gems similar to you and your own well-recorded strength, we believed you could do at least the one hundred. And you did."

"Who's we? Where are we? Why are _you_ here?" I finally ask.

"Good question. In this instance, 'we' is myself and my Pearl. She and I came up with a schedule for your first week here together. She's been such a blessing since we came here. We are at a most _interesting_ planet that's been turned into a base of protection and.. something of a scientific institute. I run this institute now. Based on our very first encounter." She continues to smirk, still proud, still superior.

"But we beat you- I- I poofed you. Is this a punishment or a promotion for you?"

"Yes and no to both... I don't know what you told the Cassiterites, or any of the other gems, but they spoke so highly of both you and myself in their reports, how 'legendary' our battle was, that I was promoted for even _meeting_ you in battle. I was taken from that planet I so hated and moved here. It's hardly a battlefield, but based on my proficiency in management and the.. experimental side of this place, it's turned out to be a happy fit."

"Experiments?"

"Yes. I said this was a scientific institute. Part of the purpose of this planet is to.. reeducate or find new ways to reeducate rebellious gems. Or pretend to, anyway. It's little more than interrogation and reconditioning and execution in the cases who won't pretend to be loyal. I told your Fluorite, I've learned a few tricks here. You've only seen a sample. It gets _worse_." She brags. I just try to wrap my mind around it all.

"So.. for ten years you've been here, torturing gems, pretending it's for science and knowledge?"

"Oh no, not pretending. We learn something new all the time. Sometimes the thing we learn is just the limit of a gem's life force. We write down the results.. send it away for debate and philosophy and law.. By definition, it's science."

"That's terrible." I can't help but say.

"Oh, oh yes it is." Luna Agate says cheerfully, smiling. "We've only just begun. Truthfully, I've been daydreaming of all the things I'd like to do to you for your victory over me. I never thought I'd get the chance, of course, but here you are, on my planet, in my care. The only way this could possibly be better, is if, and when, we catch the Fluorite. It's so much more painful when there's two to torture."

"So you haven't found them yet." I smile with the darkest glare I can muster. I am nervous and weak and nearly numb, but not so much that I can't try to be intimidating for Phantom's sake, perhaps even strike a nerve. Luna Agate just takes it in stride.

"They've managed to evade capture for now, yes. But our sensors are strong. We know they're out there. It's only a matter of time and a mistake on their part for us to capture them."

"You won't. Phantom will realize it's futile to try to rescue me, and they'll escape the planet, and they'll runaway. They'll save themselves. It's the smart thing to do. The right thing."

"No, I don't think so. I told you earlier, though perhaps you forgot, that I've read every report publically available on you. Now that you're officially in my care, I've gotten access to a few other reports, but it all says the same thing. You two don't give up on each other. The Fluorite won't leave without you, and they can't rescue you from the outside. They'll have to come _in_ , and that will be their undoing. That's when the real fun begins." Luna Agate insists, but I shake my head as best I can in this harness.

"No." I say shortly, stubbornly. I shake, gently, angry at the thought that this would be for nothing, that they would end up suffering for me anyway. Existence itself could not be so cruel as to let that happen, and neither am I. I will not _allow_ it.

"Like I said, we'll see." She giggles, a sound I flinch at. She stands, though, putting a hand on mine, almost like Phantom might do to display affection, but I hiss and ache at her touch; it can only be a mockery and it _hurts_. "Are you ready for the next part?"

"What could possibly be next?" I ask through gritting teeth. She removes her hand, smiling cordially.

"We're going to play with fire." She announces. "I'll have someone come retrieve you. _I'm_ going to go get set up." With something of a skip, she strides out of sight, and then out of the room, leaving me alone.

I still feel weak from my time in the tank, and my form is sore and largely unresponsive from the shockings, but I flex and fight against the restraints anyway. I have to try. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. The heavy bands of metal wiggle, they almost stretch, but they don't give in, and they don't break. With a sigh, I relax, dizzy against the back of the chair.

I think, for a moment, that this is all too much, already. I can hardly bear it, the pain of earlier, the dizziness of now, the unknowns to come, and it's supposedly just begun, can apparently get so much worse. The shaking, the residual pain and buzzing, the dizziness, the deep-bodied _ache_.. I can't take it.

But I remember that this was the entirety of Phantom's early life, for who knows how long. They told me before, but I couldn't hold onto the details. Now, now I understand. This was their every day, from day one. They endured. They survived. I don't claim to be as strong as they are, not in this way, not at all, but surely if they could survive years of this, I can survive a week? As terrible as this is, I think I now understand the brutal coldness they exuded when we first met. If this was all they ever knew, how could they act any other way?

Yes, as terrible as this is, I think I understand my partner better for it. And it's a lesson I won't forget, not ever. I know, with deep, instinctive assurance, this will stay with me for the rest of my life, even if I do leave here alive. I still doubt that much, though. I still want for Phantom to have left this miserable planet already. I want them to be safe, and far away.

I try to enjoy the silence and the stillness for the few moments it takes for a new gem to come get me. I try to steady myself, to calm the shuddering and the slight twitches I can still feel in my hands and lips. I try to think of the happiest song Phantom ever wrote, with the prettiest words I could give them for it, but it's only half-right in my head. I've forgotten some of the middle, the part that I know is the sweetest, the part I really want right now.

The twitching is gone and the shakes are nearly subsided by the time someone comes for me. I never see who or what it is, and they make no sound or attempt to talk as they blindfold me with a heavy but soft fabric. They pry the restraints off one by one but don't replace them with any new ones with which to lead me, which confuses me. Don't they suspect I'll run?

I don't wonder for long. The gem pulls me to my feet and I fall immediately without support or assistance. The gem puts me over their shoulder, though, so I don't really _fall_ so much as fail to stand for that brief moment. It's shocking, though, how frail I am now, how unsteady and weak, mostly because I honestly expected to not have been so affected by it, to be made so weak so _easily_. I've never been like this before- not even after our most tiresome fusions.. Is it my time in the tank that's done this? Is it the shocking and questioning? Is it both? What if it's neither? Is it _me_?

The gem carrying me doesn't have answers to these unspoken questions, and I think I'm fine with that for now. I let them carry me, as humiliating as it is, to whatever new terror Luna Agate has for me.

They drop me onto something flat and hard, but it's not a floor- it's too high and slanted to be any conventional floor. Of course, nothing about this place is probably _conventional_ by any means, so then again, I'm not really sure. I have less answers as I am once again strapped down, but it feels good not to be sitting, but lying, and flat. From the deprivation tank to the chair, I haven't gotten to stand or be straight in.. actual days.

I am mildly surprised by how strange time passes here. In the moments, these things feel infinite, forever, but after they're over, they seem as though they were little more than blips. Perhaps that's some psychological phenomenon, like the hallucinations in the tank. I suppose I'd like to be grateful for the perceived brevity of it all, but in truth it only makes me feel more drained, and for less reason.

The gem tears the blindfold off harshly before they go, the sudden light stunning me. I know it's not Luna Agate herself, as she nods to whomever it is before they go, standing just to the side of me, and her Pearl behind her. Once again, the Pearl looks at me bitterly, but not squarely, only from narrowed eyes half-concealed behind hair and her mistress, though this time there is a hint of a smile to her lips. I wonder why she takes such pleasure in this, when I can't recall having done anything to her personally. That's not to say I haven't, though, what with my faulty memory, but I _feel_ as though I haven't, and that sensation is generally accurate.

"How are you feeling now?" Luna Agate says, bringing my attention back to her.

"Less like I'm going to shake to pieces now."

"Good, good. Are you as excited as I am for the next part?" She gestures to something in her hand, which looks like a welding tool, but sleeker, more refined, almost pretty.

"Probably not."

"No, probably not." She says, playing with the device.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Will I stop if you ask me to? No, I will not." She grins, coming to stand over me.

"No, not- not that." I blink. I hadn't even considered something like that.

"Oh? Let's hear it then."

"Why are you talking to me like this? So calmly, so.. decently. No one is ever this _kind_ while they torture, I would assume. Not normally." I ask, and Luna Agate laughs.

"A good question, Sardonyx. For one thing, it's simply my nature to speak calmly. We've also found, since coming here, that it's much more effective than screaming and shouting, but if you'd _prefer_ the loud way, I can certainly oblige." She speaks to me as she twiddles with a dial on the welder, or whatever it is. She clicks a trigger a few times, and then, as I'd thought, the end ignites in a blue-white flame.

"No. I was just curious."

"Good. I rather like talking like this. Less abrasive. I challenge you to keep up the curiosity. Feel _free_ to ask more questions. Now, for business, Sardonyx. We're going to test your reaction to this, and go from there. Ready?"

"..I suppose." I say, staring at the flame. I can't remember ever coming into contact with _fire_ before, not like this, and I wonder if it will be better or worse than electricity..

"Very good." Luna Agate replies, and flicks the fire across my face. I flinch, but I feel nothing after that. I crack an eye open, but the tiny blade of fire is still there, dancing across my cheek. "How is that?" Luna Agate asks over the small roar of the welder.

"I don't feel it." She pulls the welder away, eyebrows high, then twists the dial, turning the fire a deeper blue.

"Alright, and how about this?" She asks, returning the fire to my cheek. I shrink back, but of course can't go very far. Even so, the fire is only barely noticeable on my form. I even lean into it a bit, wondering how this is possible.

"It's warm, but it doesn't hurt."

"Interesting." She cranks the dial again, not angry, but highly intrigued. Once again, she puts the fire to my form, the heat now significantly stronger, the fire and it's light nearly blindingly white.

"Actually.. that's really nice." I admit, the warmth on my face spreading. I'm not sure what it is, but the heat, the tickling tongue of fire, is pleasant. I go so far as to let out a purr, feeling relaxed and forgetting myself. Luna Agate pulls the fire away at this, actually disturbed.

"Well, that was disappointing." She remarks, releasing the trigger for the fire. "But I suppose, if you like heat so much, perhaps cold will be more unpleasant for you?" Despite the nature of our scenario, part of me feels guilty, ashamed for disappointing her, while another revels in having displeased what was, no doubt, a sadistic fantasy of hers. "Pearl, reset the room's temperature, and bring me a hose." She claps, but her eyes remain on me. I shrink underneath her uncomfortable gaze, but she doesn't stop, studying me.

"Can- can I ask another question?" I start, the silence getting to me.

"You may." Luna Agate allows, after some deliberation.

"What do you hope to get out of this? You said 'reeducation', earlier, but you've been interviewing me more than anything, and I doubt the Diamonds have changed their minds about having me.. shattered eventually. So what's the point of putting me through this?" I sound tired, but I can't help it. I am. I am so very tired. Luna Agate seems to have to think about this, turning and walking away. I'm strapped down in such a way that I can't crane my neck to watch where she goes, but I can hear her deep and controlled steps as she goes. She stops, somewhere behind me to the right, before she answers. I can feel the room going cold as I wait for a response.

"I suppose you have me to thank for your.. temporarily continued existence. It's true, the Diamonds still wish you returned to Homeworld for 'trial' and execution, but… I saw an opportunity, when I reported your presence here. I begged the court representative to keep your for a while. 'For science!', I said. You were here already, after all, and Homeworld is not so far away when I _am_ done with you."

"But it's not 'for science', is it?"

"Oh, a little. It's my own curiosity, really, that I'm trying to satisfy. That, and revenge." She says, and then I hear her coming back around to my left. Her face appears there, just beyond my shoulder, not smiling, not frowning, but not neutral, either. Her eyes are intense, focused, clear. I can hardly comprehend such concentration right now. "I respect you. How could I not? You defeated me, when I am the naturally superior gem, and then you went on to defeat other and still more superior gems. How could it be? How is it that you could win? It's not by design, I assure you. I want to know.. I want to know _what it is_ that makes you different, what makes you so _strong_ in all these strange and unpredictable ways, and I want to take it from you.

I want to see you _fail_ and I want to do it while you watch, so you _know_ , as I knew when you defeated me, how I was the one who rendered you _right_. I'll take out whatever it is that makes you wrong and powerful and unnatural, and I'll _fix_ you. Or, more likely, I'll break you. I will be your end and your salvation. In the name of science, of course, so that when your shattered gem is sent to White Diamond in the cutest little box I can find or have made, I won't be punished for breaking her mandate that you and the Fluorite be delivered alive. And I'll keep on living, knowing that the only gem who could stand up to me, a _freak of nature_ , was destroyed. And when the rest of the Empire finds out why those two terrible space pirates are no longer pillaging and destroying and maiming entire fleets, my name will echo more loudly and with more reverence than _yours_."

"Maybe with fear, and maybe with respect, but not with _reverence_." I counter. "I think you overvalue my importance in the war, in the Empire. I'm just one gem, and even with all the damage Phantom and I have done together, we're still only two. If we were inspiring in life, I will be a matyr in death, and those who knew of me will only fight all the harder. Those who didn't will still know I did what I believed in and died for the same cause. If your name is echoed for having been my end, it will be echoed with _hate_ , not reverence, not respect."

Luna thinks on this for a while, her grin degrading into a considering, deliberating frown. Then, having reached some satisfying thought, the grin comes right back.

"That seems good enough for me."


	29. Chapter 28

Chapter 28: Endless

Sardonyx:

"Despite whatever you think, I still don't think I'm broken or wrong. I refuse to think something that makes me stronger is bad, even if it gives me a weakness too." I say, the air so cold that it bites at my lips.

"We'll have to fix that. Don't worry. Reeducation takes time, and a lot of suffering." Luna Agate shrugs, standing upright.

It's all she or I say, until her Pearl comes back and pulls a hose out of the wall. The next half hour or so is spent with Luna Agate spraying me with freezing and below freezing water, but in the end she decides the effect isn't satisfactory as a long term use. It still causes me quite a bit of discomfort, the sensation of it highly overwhelming and disturbing, but I don't tell her that. The sting of ice forming on me, or coughing up water, or feeling it behind my eyes or weighing me down is _not_ pleasant. Or maybe she sees the discomfort, and decides it's still not enough.

The next week, we spend testing more and more such tortures, but in the end she decides the tank and the chair are enough for her, the best way to elicit the reactions and suffering she wants. But instead of returning me to the chair for more questioning, which I've complied with so far, she drags me, once more by my hair, to the tank. She holds me up, over it, but doesn't let me go, forcing me to stare into what looks like eternal and infinite darkness.

I feel myself shake at the prospect of going through it again.

"What is it, Sardonyx? You have something to say, I can tell." She croons. I hesitate, because I know what she'll say. I know there's no getting out of going back in- I'm too weak to fight, and it's her job to keep me at heel, to make me suffer, and she _likes_ it.

"I don't want to go back in." I hear myself think out loud. I don't remember making the conscious decision to _say_ it, but now that it's spoken- "Please, don't make me go back to them." I beg.

"The voice? The hands? What _did_ they say to you?" She pulls me back from the edge to hold me closer to her.

"They wanted me to come back to them, but I don't know who they are. I don't know where they come from, or where they are now. I know they're not real, but they _sound_ real. I can't- it hurts to not help them." I whine.

"Too bad." She says, and drops me in anyway.

I land with a muffled thud, and I watch as the light shuts off, disappearing with the closing of the latch. The stubborn part of me wants to make a leap for it, despite the high potential for being crushed and poofed- but then the opportunity is gone. The weak part of me, the drained and beaten part, says no, I can't even try, so I didn't. I curl up, defeated by myself, and wait for the voice to start.

I try to think of everything that ever made me happy, something to siphon strength from for this new stint in the dark. I think of Phantom's smile, of dancing, of singing, of holding their hand and running, running, running. We were good at that. I imagine them running on alone, leaving this planet, hoping they've done so by now and are long gone, and making their way to Earth. I imagine they stop at the Marble planet, and learn a terrible secret about the Diamonds, and leak it to the whole universe. I imagine they destroy the Diamond Authority themselves, taking them down from the inside, somehow. I imagine they make a great speech about me when they do it, or better yet, they remain completely silent, and the Diamonds quake in fear, because they know. They _know_ they deserve to fall.

And, as much as it pleases me to think the war could be over so easily, and all our dreams for a new kind of society made _possible_ if not instantly real, I still wish I could be there for it. I wish I could be there with Phantom and everyone else if and when it happens. But I'm going to die here. Maybe not in this tank, maybe not in a day or a week, maybe she'll play with me for months or even years, but I am going to end here.

It's not that I doubt my dearest companion Phantom Fluorite. It's not that I don't think they're capable of something like this. It's that I don't want them to risk themself for this, for me, in a place like this. It's why I gave myself up, after all. They couldn't save us both, and I sure couldn't do it either, so I had to choose. Who to save? Of course it was them. I promised. I promised I'd never let them suffer at Homeworld hands. I remember that much. I _care_ too much to forget.

Maybe that's selfish of me. Maybe they hate me for taking the choice away from them, for surrendering so easily, but I couldn't see a better way out then, and even looking back, I don't see one now. I know now that if we _both_ were taking, neither of us would survive. Luna would destroy us both, using each other, and she'd toss back the shards to Homeworld with a dainty 'oops' and never a thought of guilt in her mind for it. I remain resolute that this is still the best course of action for both of us, even if I have to feel this way.

What I wouldn't give to see Phantom smile again. Just once. For a moment. I try to remember or imagine the exactness, but even the most accurate memory could only be a facsimile of seeing it in front of me, and my memory is famously poor. I just know that it makes me happy to see them happy, and to know that I, maybe, helped make that possible.

I shudder as I hear the voice for the first time, again.

" _Why did you leave?"_ It asks, bubbling with anger, indignity. I shake my head at it, but it continues. " _Why did you leave? We_ _ **need**_ _you and you left! Come back! Why did you leave? You're ours, come back, we want you, we need you_ -" And it goes one, drilling me, begging me for an answer but never giving me the chance to. It doesn't matter because I don't understand what it wants from me, who it thinks it is, or, rather, who my dying gem _wants_ me to think it is. Because, in the end, it's not real. It's a dream, brought on by lack of sensation and energy, a side effect of slowly expiring.

I am surprised when the voice doesn't grow in volume in number, but in depth. I can't explain how, exactly, only that it feels like the voice bubbles out and over itself, stretching wider and wider, enveloping me rather than flooding into me. Like empty space, it threatens to crush me, but in it's own terrible way it is beyond understanding. I am further surprised when the hands never return, the voice only spreading further and further around me, taking me in, deafening me in it's vast depth and dullness.

I am not surprised, though, when I find myself sapped of strength and will sooner, and I am immensely more grateful, as it allows me to ignore or soften the booming of the voice. I know this is me at the edge, me at the gates of defeat, of _death_ , but with the voice crushing me, and no energy with which to fight, I can hardly bring myself to care. It's too much, and I will take what refuge I can get, even in the silence of the end.

I almost feel myself give into it, fall away, but like a shock in the chair, I come back to myself, to the voice, to the physicality of the tank and my being, away from the edge. I can't seem to give in, to let myself go. That place is too far, I'm not ready. It calls me anyway, oh how it calls, and how easy it would be to just _not_ fight it, but as close as I come to it, I can never seem to do it. I don't know if this is just more hallucinations, more false sensation, but it is a dance that I do not like, a back and forth of never winning, only suffering.

Somehow, I find myself in the chair, with Luna Agate before me, smiling. She's got a soft, dainty smile, and it would be beautiful if I couldn't see the malice in her eyes. And the way her skin is dotted with secondary colors is so pretty, and fun to look over, to follow the curves and the waves, except for how they twist when she smiles, warping so slightly but somehow so perturbed..

"How are we doing, hmm?" It takes me several moments to realize she spoken, and then several more to know she's speaking to me. I can't seem to remember how to move my mouth, how to make words work, and her patience can only last so long, it seems. A small but sharp jolt runs through me, and I find where my mouth is when it opens in a pained gasp.

"I'm awake." I push out, trying to explain that I'm thinking, I'm here, I understand, I'm just having some trouble.

"Good enough." She laughs, openly cruel. "Let's talk."

And I do. I talk. It's easy to talk, of everything she wants to know, myself, my life, what I remember. My compliance is a simple trade; my words and honesty for minimized suffering. She asks and I respond, and rarely does she receive an answer she does not like. She grows bored, getting her answers so easily, but from the pointed nature of the questions, I assume she has a list of things she's meant to find out, which means that I am safe from 'unhappy answer shocks'. I lose track of time effortlessly as she asks and asks and I answer. On and on, on and on. I almost feel some strength, true strength returning to me, when she asks a question I will not answer.

"How do you fuse?" She asks in her bored tone, perhaps not realizing the essence of the query. For the first time, I don't answer at all, mouth agape. Do they really not know? How- how could they not know after all this time? It's just like fusion with a gem of the same type, a matter of synchronizing, just more complicated with such different experiences, but not more difficult. Luna Agate looks up at me, hand in her cheek. "Did you hear me?" I blink. What should I do? It's not exactly a secret between Phantom and I, but it's something I have _over_ Luna, something finally in my hands, not in hers, that I don't think I'm willing to give. Nothing else mattered, but this... Should I keep it in?

Luna Agate looks down at her screen, rereading and _comprehending_ the question, then looks back at me, a fire in her expression.

"How _do_ you fuse with Phantom Fluorite?" She asks, pointedly, curious now. I bite my lip, resolving to say nothing. "Sardonyx." She states my name like it's a command in it's own right, but I just smile, albeit nervously.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I try to sound brave, defiant, cool, but my voice quavers. It feels good to _have_ something for once, to keep it. Maybe in a moment I'll regret it, but for now, I have a power over her, a power over my life. Luna Agate grins and signals her Pearl with a look, not even a wave of her hand.

A pulse of energy rocks through me, from my hands in to the rest of me. It forces me upright, stiff, every part of me trying to move at once and failing. It burns, it hurts. It disappears, and I fall slack against the chair, as much as my restraints will let me, which is not far.

"How do you fuse?" She asks again, and though my eyes are pointed at the ceiling, I can hear her glee. 'Finally, a challenge', I can almost hear her thinking. I roll my head down to look at her and hiss. Without a motion, the electricity is back, rolling through me, a cascade of pain. I hear my voice warble out something akin to 'ouch', but warped, stretched, bleeding out and wrong. I gasp when it releases me. "How. Do you. Fuse."

"I don't know. How do _you_ fuse?" I slur, scathing.

"Are you saying it's just like any other fusion? Or are you being difficult?"

"Yes." I reply, bitter and sardonic. Again, there is no sign of the punishment before it comes, it simply arrives, erupting through me. I can feel my form twitching, glitching, but it goes on anyway. I try to keep myself composed, keep my form contained, but the longer it goes, the more I feel myself getting loose and scattered until- "Stop!" I cry, and after a second of hesitation, they do. I sink again, body whole and relaxed again, although aching.

"Tell me."

"It _is_ just like any other fusion, I presume. I never fused with any other Sardonyx, at least that I can remember. In theory, yes, it's just like any other."

"Explain how you do it. In detail."

"We synchronize for a purpose. We fuse. We become a new 'I'. That 'I' performs the purpose, and then we unfuse."

"That's textbook! Explain _how_ you synchronize." Luna Agate growls, hand raised to signal her Pearl, but doesn't follow through as I cringe.

"W-we dance. It's the easiest way to- to get on the same page." I explain, hushed and hurried.

"How did you do it the first time?"

"That's private." I mumble. Those memories stem from the one bad one I have of Phantom, and I'd rather not explain it. I don't want to remember what it felt like to think they hated me. But Luna Agate drops her hand, and the electricity is back inside me, burning me from the inside out. It's short, though, not quite enough to leave me gasping or numb or buzzy, just a little dizzier. It's a threat of more to come: 'keep talking, or it will be worse'. So I square my jaw and set my eyes. "I tore apart half a ship. Phantom had been captured with an inhibitor, for the first and only time, and I was determined to save them. The- the, uh, I think it was a Peridot, she pushed Phantom out into the hall, and, and they were very weak, and it- it was horrible to see them like that, and, and then Pyrope ambushed me, and we got separated and, and.." I blink. I don't remember all these details. "Somehow they got rid of the inhibitor, I guess, because then we were hugging, and it was- I never wanted to let go. I wanted to be there forever, because I care about them, and they had been in such _pain_ and I wanted to make sure they never ever felt that way again and be there for them and, and suddenly we weren't them and me, we were, we were 'us'. That's all I remember."

"Touching. I see where you got your 'promise' from." Luna says dryly. "So you synchronized on accident. What about on purpose?"

"I don't remember the first time very well."

"Are you sure about that?" She says, a smile creeping onto her face. I cringe again.

"Yes, really! I just know it happens when we dance now, if we want it to!"

"Why dancing? Why not, say, talk it out? Or just.. hug… like you did the first time?"

"Those aren't guaranteed to get us on the same, ah, wavelength? We, we've got to feel the same things. So, sure, we could talk ourselves into fusion, but I assure you it would take _far_ longer than to say 'let's fuse', and dance. Dancing- we see and we feel and we become. Talking is messy and doesn't always.. add up. But movement- if I do a twirl, it's a twirl, by any word or description, and it says, in some way, how I feel. And their response to that twirl tells me how they feel, until we come together, feeling the same thing. It's emotional. It's meaningful.

Same with a hug. We hug all the time, but for lots of reasons. To reassure each other, or just because. And certainly we could fuse in a lot of those moments, but to just hug is not always to fuse."

"But the same can be said of _dancing_." Luna says, aggravated.

"Yes, and we often dance for fun and not for fusion, but when we do choose to fuse, it's the most reliable way to do it." She sighs, further confused.

"Could you demonstrate?" She asks, growling.

"Phantom isn't here." I state flatly. It's the truth as far as I know it, and from her look I know it remains true. "So you haven't captured them? Are they still on the planet?"

"Hmmph." She crosses her arms stubbornly. She looks up to some corner of the room, annoyed.

"You don't know where they are, do you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She replies with a smirk. "My question still stands. _Could_ you demonstrate if you had a partner?"

"I.. I guess. It- it would be weird. I don't know anyone else. I- I think some understanding of their personage, their life, is necessary beyond just feeling the same way in a single moment. I- I don't know."

"What if I had someone you did know?" She asks coyly, mischievous.

"Wh- like who?"

"One of my Cassiterites. Do you remember them?"

"N-not really, no. I might remember if.. if I did meet one of them. Maybe. Why?"

"I could have one of them brought here. I still hold authority over that planet as something of a supervisor and a counselor to the new manager there, but I could have that done. Or.. perhaps _we_ could try it?" I gasp in a hiss, baring my teeth in horror at the suggestion of _fusing_ with someone like her, and she laughs, sneering. "If I won't do, perhaps my dear Pearl? She should be capable of fusion." She raises her hand and her gaze to her Pearl, somewhere behind me.

"Pardon me, mistress, but I would not merge my form or thoughts with _hers_ if my life depended on it." The Pearl says, honestly disgusted. Luna Agate laughs again, apparently charmed.

"Then we'll put it out of mind for now, but if the opportunity arises, I _will_ demand a demonstration of you. Don't forget _that_." She jeers, and I nearly gag at the implication. "Now, you've gotten rather feisty. I'd hate to think you were back up to full strength, so we're going to take a bit of a break, and let you exhaust yourself a little. Don't worry, I'm only thinking half a day, this time."

"No, no, I'm behaving, I'm answering your questions- I don't need to go back, I'm, I'm _plenty_ tired, I assure you!" I whimper, practically digging myself into the chair. I'll take this to _that_. Luna Agate shakes her head, 'tsking' at me.

"The fact that you're so.. emphatically opposed is reason enough to put you back in. I'm going to mix it up this time, too. Have you ever been submerged in liquid before? We've got plenty of water on this planet, you know." I have no answer, but I suspect the trembling of my lip and the shake of my shoulders and the grip of my hands on the chair are all answer enough. "Still, we wouldn't want you fighting on the way over, would we? Pearl, give her a good long one while I call ahead." She stands and leaves and I plead with my look only that she not _do_ this, but then Pearl activates the stream and I am on fire and eyes and sight are meaningless, distant concepts.

Seconds feel like minutes, burning holes in my mind slowly, like hull melting on contact with dense atmosphere. I don't even notice when it stops, because it echoes through me, residual energy taking its time to do all the damage it can do. I can't move without making everything hurt worse, and I nearly start screaming again when they remove the chair's restraints and take me away, but I can't find my mouth again. Everything is agony, and names for different places of such is pointless.

The gem drops me at Luna Agate's feet, just beside the hole. I crumble, still aching, though graciously less than when the walk started. I can't quite see straight yet, but I can hear something lapping, slapping against the edge of the hole, something that wasn't there before. I force myself to look up, to sit up. She hasn't thrown me in yet for a reason, and I presume it's something she wants to say to me first.

"There's a theory about what the voices are." She opens, tapping the foot closest to the hole, as if I need reminding. "I shouldn't say theory. There's no proof, no way to test it.. it's something of a myth, I suppose. Do you want to know?" I shake my head. I don't want to go back in, not a third time, not for a moment, not 'just for half a day'. I don't want to understand. "Too bad. They say it's the voices of the deceased. All of them. We know we have souls, an energy that is neither defined nor truly captured by even the complex structures of our gems. But we don't know where they go when we die, do we? We can't seem to measure them once our gems are _sufficiently_ destroyed.

But energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed, yes? It must go _somewhere._ It's been thought, not by me, that they go to some other plane of existence, and that on the verge of death yourself, you are close enough to that plane to hear them, to _feel_ them. So who have you abandoned that's died that would be calling for you, Sardonyx? Who would beg you to come back to them? To join them in eternity?" I tear up, I can't help it, because I _don't remember_ , and I desperately hope that if something like that _did_ happen I would remember it, but I know that what I want and what I hope hardly ever match reality, and the absolute possibility that it has happened and _I've forgotten_ is crushing me. I let out a sob, and shake my head, and when I bury my face in my hands, they push me in.

The first thing I feel is shock. Shock at the cold _smoothness_ of it. And then I feel discomfort as it flows into my gasping mouth, filling me. I cough, instinctively, but the latch is already shut, and there's no air in here to displace the water, so I do so futilely. I hate the feel of it, though, and keep gagging, my form fighting it. I can't ignore it, can't forget it, can only feel it constantly in my throat and hollowness, which only exists for the sake of talking, but is useless here. I wish I could shapeshift and remove it, but I know I can't do that safely normally, and I don't know if trying to displace it would cause a worse and more dangerous pressure in the air- and water-tight tank.

I sink to the bottom, coughing and clawing at my throat, too heavy to float. I am familiar with this much, the impossibly smooth and curved shape of the tank, and it's almost comforting to feel it, even if it is the cause of my repeated trips to near-death. At least that much is familiar. This, water, this is new and bad and I can do nothing to fight it, except maybe take comfort like this.

The extra cold seems to sap me faster. Or maybe it's just the fact that I give in faster. Or that I keep returning here. I don't know enough anyway to really determine the truth. I just know that I can't stand it, how fast I fade.

Still, the tank remains quiet for what feels like a long time, and I almost feel restful, if uncomfortable, alone in the dark watery tank. But when the voice comes back, it comes back thunderous and vile.

" _Where were you?"_ It sings like engine roars, and I reel. " _You left! Where were you!? You let us die! Where did you go? You left us to die!"_ It accuses me, shaking me.

'I don't know!', I want to shout, but my voice is buried in water. I don't know them, I don't _remember_ and it kills me that I don't, that this might be real, that I might have forgotten someone who meant the world to me, that I left someone to _die_. I clutch at my head but the action is as mute as I am. The voices carry on, blaming me, questioning me. And this time, their hands do find me again.

Crying and curling up, vainly attempting to hide from the resounding call of the fallen, their hands are first on my back, almost comforting, almost calming. Then they move through me, _into_ me, more piercing than any sound could be, more filling than the water in my throat. I want to scream, the emotional _agony_ of those hands on my core, on some central part of me that weeps and moans for their unknown, invisible suffering.

It remains that way, their ghostly hand on me, their voice despairing, my memories failing to account for it, until Luna Agate comes to fish me out, as she promised, a half a day later. I am strenuously aware of the passage of time, and no numbness comes and consoles me this time.


	30. Chapter 29

Chapter 29: Endless

Sardonyx:

I am fully aware when light creaks into the tank, when a silhouette looms over the opening and reaches in to pull me out. I pretend it's Phantom Fluorite come to save me, but only for a second, because dreams are dangerous when you want to believe them too much. The silhouette reaches in, and stretching their arm out, pulls me from the tank. I tremble on the cold floor, spitting up water for a few moments, and then they take me by the hair and pull me away.

I'm getting so tired of my hair being used as a method of transportation and control. I used to love how long it is and the way it flows and the color in my face and the softness and sheerness, but it has only been a tool against me since I came here. I don't know how long. Luna Agate won't tell me, and I can't begin to guess. I no longer remember how we got here, only that we did, and that I stopped Phantom from coming here, and thus came alone.

I don't fight as I am strapped in by the gem- who I recognize the type of but cannot recall the name for- to the accursed chair that Luna loves so much. i want to fight, but it's useless. I tried to fight once, and it went very poorly. I don't remember what happened, exactly, but it went poorly. That's all I need to know now.

Pearl no longer waits for Luna Agate to start the chair. She starts us off with a low buzz. I haven't grown immune to the shocks in any way, but I suppose my tolerance may have. I no longer scream at certain levels, when it was once the worst thing I'd ever felt. Now I know there's always worse. Luna Agate says we haven't even used more than one generator this whole time, and that one day I'll know what drawing energy from all seven available feels like. Strangely, I look forward to it. I suppose that once we're there, where I'm at now will feel less terrible, if only comparatively. And maybe by that time we'll be nearly done. I'll be nearly done. I so want it to be over.

I almost feel pampered by how much care they put into me here. I feel _catered_ to. It's a twisted form of respect, how much effort they expel in getting what they want out of me. Always careful, always exact. It's terrible, oh, it's so very terrible.

I try to think on this bizarre 'bright side' as Pearl starts the session. At first, the burn stings, but as I grow used to it, I can almost ignore it. Almost. Never quite, but almost.

Luna Agate comes in. She no longer seems to have fun with our sessions. It's drawn out so long, no, _I've_ drawn it out so long that even her taste for revenge seems to have withered, although it's not satisfied. She sits down across from me, her holoscreen detailing the same question it's sat on for several of the past sessions. I refuse to give satisfactory answers. I refuse.

"Are you going to play nice today?" She asks with a disgruntled sigh.

"Are we going to play a nice game today?" I ask in return, flatly. Pearl ups the voltage, and I grimace but otherwise remain quiet.

"The same game as ever."

"Then I play the same as ever." Up goes the voltage, just a tinge more. My hands curl in pain, and my grimace deepens.

"Tell me about Phantom Fluorite."

"No." Up up up.

"Tell me about Phantom Fluorite."

"No." Up again, a lurch of a leap, my back scrunching as it tightens everything.

"Tell me."

"No." Another lurch, I hiss, unable to contort anymore. Everything else is strapped down.

"You spent ten _years_ with them. You have valuable information on them. Nothing else like them exists. You can't say 'no' forever." She tries to reason, as she does sometimes. Maybe one of these days it'll work.

"No." I hiss, my voice garble, eyes nearly screwed shut. Not today. Luna Agate holds up a hand to stop Pearl from ratcheting the voltage up again.

"I am, quite frankly, _tired_ of this. Give me anything. Anything at all, and we can take a nice little break. I'll ask you about something else. We can talk about something old, even. Wouldn't it be nice to see what you remember of old topics?" She stares at me, and I stare back. I tremble, but not with indecision. It's hard to match her gaze consistently, but I think I do a fair job for someone with untold amounts of energy running through her body. "Do you know how long we've been asking the same thing, over and over? No. You don't. I don't even need to ask. You have remarkably poor grasp on the passage of time, and your time spent here has only made this problem worse, quite noticeably. So. I repeat: I am _tired_ of this Diamond-damned question. You will answer it, or we'll do something _new_."

"I.. r-r-r-rep-p-peat: n-n- _no_." She sighs at this, stares at me a few seconds longer, hoping for me to back down, but I've come this far. I won't back down yet. Not yet. I can feel myself breaking inside, my own resolve for whatever petty revenge this could be called withering away, but not yet. Not quite yet. Luna Agate looks at Pearl, ever in the background of our interactions, the unseen hand delivering my punishments. "How much are we using?"

"Currently, my lady, we are using approximately ten percent from the first generator. The most we've ever used is twenty three of the same generator, and approximately two percent of the second for management purpose."

"Take it to thirty. From each. On my mark." She says to Pearl, then looks back to me. "Answer the question." Her words take the sound from the room, even the low bumbling buzz of the chair and I, and I know that this isn't a bluff. She's never taken me this far before, but she's willing to make this jump. No more of the slow burn. She will have me ravaged if I will not speak.

I quail at what's coming, but what stubbornness is left of me is enough to not give in. I tip my chin up, unable or unwilling to put it to words again. Luna Agate's eyebrows jump up, perhaps surprised, perhaps impressed, and then she looks back to Pearl, nodding.

There is a moment of stillness. It's not hesitation. I can vaguely hear her, back there, interacting with whatever controls this chair and me. But it takes a moment, as though even the machine isn't ready to see what _this_ much will do.

But then it hits, and I have no words for the anguish I feel. Everything I've ever felt before, thrown together at the speed of sound, colliding like atoms in the heart of a star, tearing me apart, inside out and put back together again.

It dies back down to the ten or so percent she had it at before, but my world is white, in vision and in sensation. I cannot describe it otherwise. Even the sound of the room is like white, burning white.

"Answer." Luna Agate's voice pierces the burning, and I stare at her blankly. Answer.. what? I blink. A question, of course. "Phantom Fluorite." She reminds me, almost patiently. I remember. I remember.

I snarl, frothing. Not yet.

"Forty. Each." She growls back, and the burning comes back, worse, of course. There's always worse. Planets could crash together and fall apart and the sensation of a gem standing directly between the two would be nothing near as devastating as this.

"Answer." She breaks in, the sun disappearing from inside me, the burn fading, but not fully subsiding. I can only clench my fist and glare. Not yet. "Sixty."

My form almost bursts from the energy- too much, too much for anything to handle and live, but here I am, still living, still burning, still persisting. I wonder why, why it keeps going, why _I_ keep going, but the blaze has no response for either one of us. It keeps roaring, keeps scorching me away, and I keep roaring with it.

Luna Agate hovers over me, face in mine.

"Give them up. What's the point? You don't even believe they're on the _planet_ anymore- you think, you fully believe they _left you_ , so why try to save them? What use is there? You are alone, and you will die here, alone, broken, having saved _no one_ in the end, having changed _nothing_. Give them up. Tell me. Answer the question." She begs, and then I remember why I keep going. To have this, to have this one thing over her. For all that she has her seven generators and her faithful Pearl and this institute and even me, yes, she has _me_ , but _I_ have _this._ I force myself to grin.

"Y-you want t-to know s-s-s-som-m-mething about Ph-ph-ph-phan-t-tom-m-m-m?" I stutter out, the jittering of my jaw making it difficult. Luna motions for Pearl to lower the volts, and I feel them slowly leave me, letting me relax the tiniest bit. I give my jaw a test and stare up at Luna. "I don't know a lot about them. I know the most important thing, though." She leans close as I whisper, purposefully. "I know.. that I love when they smile. When they laugh and dance and compose- when they stand tall and proud and finally, even for a second, not ashamed of themselves. I know I will do anything and everything to protect that. I will suffer here, with you, until every star in every sky collapses and _dies_ and still not tell you what I once knew about them. Because, aha, I forgot to mention this, I, ahaha, I _forgot_ everything else." I admit, smiling bitterly and victorious, tears streaming down my face.

"You lie." Luna Agate hisses. Between the shocks and the tank, I really did forget. I remember, indistinctly, what they look like, what they talk like, some things we once did together, but everything else is _gone_.

"You wish." I sneer back, mouth twisting sickly. And I laugh, having won something, even here, in the heart of hell. I laugh, and Luna steps back, furious and fooled. The look on her face is almost worth everything I've lost. Almost. But not really.

"I want one hundred percent from all the generators. Now." Luna orders Pearl, staring me down, as though her eyes could smite me one their own.

"My- my lady, we can't-" Pearl starts, shocked. She's never objected before.

"And why not!?" She screams back. "She will _suffer_ like no one has ever suffered before! And if she breaks, so what?!" She flails a hand at me, and I throw my head back in glee. How shaken she is, how _surprised_!

"I- if we use _all_ the power, security will be compromised- I- we can use up to eighty-five percent of our maximum power, but no more or-" Pearl explains, but-

"Make it ninety-five." Luna Agate compromises, demanding.

"My lady-"

"Make it. Ninety. Five!" She hollers, and I laugh all the louder, maniacally, both afraid and unflinching of what's to come. This is the end, isn't it? Finally. Finally.

Slowly, I feel it come on. Familiar, in the beginning, and then up into the stronger territories explored only today, and then higher, into something too terrible to comprehend. If I felt suns before, I am a thousand stars incinerating a thousand galaxies, tearing apart entire systems as though they were nothing but dirt. I am the very nuclear fusion that powers the stars, and I am the fission that destroys matter. I am a supermassive black hole tearing itself apart, I am a supernova that rebirths the universe, I am twin galaxies consuming each other and becoming something new and worse.

I can't say how long it goes on, I only know that now, now is the time that I wish that I could give in. I would trade in every word I know and every sight and sensation and lingering memory for this to end. I would give away my gem, particle by particle, to make this end. I know I'm screaming, but I can't hear or feel anything other than the massive, consuming inferno that is both destroying and becoming me. It's too much, too much, and it never ends..

Until it ends, finally, dying down, after millennia of raging cosmic war, but something is wrong. I am wrong. I'm still here, still alive, but I am.. disconnected. My form remains intact, if glitching severely and distant and numb, but even so I feel another step removed from myself, as though all conscious control has been removed.

I'm not even in the chair anymore. I'm somewhere against a wall, on the ground, limp. I can't move, not on purpose.

"My lady! Are you alright?" I hear someone say. Pearl. It's Pearl. Luna Agate's Pearl.

"I'm fine. How long was the power out?" It's Luna Agate herself. The power went out, did it?

"Ah.. a mere thirty four seconds, ma'am. Everything is.. contained. The others are working on some issues, but they're minor. Are you sure that you're well?"

"I'm fine, Pearl. Don't worry about me. But I don't think she is." Oh. Do they mean me?

"No, I don't suppose she is. I think we broke her." She says this in a hush, not guilty or repentant, but worried, certainly.

"Not yet, I haven't." I hear steps, and then I see her, looking down at me, grimacing in disgust, bathed in shadow. "She led me on for so long.. filthy clod." Pearl steps up to her, hands reaching, searching for her arm, but not quite making contact.

"My lady! Such language!" She looks around, suspicious.

"All the cameras are down anyway. We fried the system. I think a single incursion can be forgiven in this instance." Luna snorts. She reaches down, picking me up by the top of my head. Has her hand always been so large? Am I really so much smaller than her? "This is the end. It's over. She's going in, and she's not coming out." She glares at me.

"Can she hear you..? O-oh, but Is that a wise decision? White Diamond's court are still _very_ insistent they receive her _whole_ someday.." I want to look at her as she talks, but I find I still can't move myself, and my eyelids are slowly drooping down of their own accord. I'm so tired, sure, and everything still blazes too brightly, and yes, I'd like for this to all be over, but I'd like to hear this, please. I want to look at her. I don't know why, but she's interesting. And Luna, too. They act so strangely together. I want.. to know..

"They'll get her gem whole, certainly. Nothing else, though. She'll be long drained of _anything_ resembling a life." Her voice is ominous, looming, heavy on my head, or is that her hand? My eyes fall closed, and after that I am only vaguely aware of our collective movement as Luna Agate carries me. I wonder where she's taking me? She said 'going in and not coming out'. Does that mean the tank? I hate the tank. They replaced the water with something else, something thick and dark and opalescent and bitter. And the voice hates me now. I keep leaving them. In and out, in and out, they miss me, they hate me, they want me, they despise me.. Do they know I'm coming to join them forever now? I wonder if they'll be happy, then, to have me..

My eyes fall open as I am turned upside down, being held by one ankle over the tank's opening. I manage to redirect my sight up, at Luna Agate, who looks at me with no mercy and no kindness. Good. I don't want the last thing I see to be a lie. This is honest. Her hate is real. In a way, that means my life was real. I _did_ something to earn that look. I was alive. Good. Good.

"I'd ask for last words, but I don't really care." She says, and drops me.

I plunge into the oil- oh that's the word- and sink. I don't fight it as it crowds my eyes and nose and mouth- really, I _can't_ fight it, but I also choose not to. This is the end. There's no point in resisting. I got the last laugh, and there's no one left to impress or fight or suffer through or for. There's no more revenge, there's no more hope. This is it.

I believe that I wondered to myself, some time ago, if I could ever be ready to let go, to die and just.. let it be the end. I think I am, now. I'm ready for the pain to stop. For the darkness, the real one, to take me and let me rest. It's not that I can't endure anymore, I would if I had to, for Phantom, for anyone, but that I just don't want to. I accomplished what little I could, and I did the best I could do, and I am not ashamed of anything about that. I can't say I'm proud exactly, I don't have the energy for pride, but I hope that, somewhere out there, maybe Phantom is.

I want to cry for them. I still wish I could just _see_ them. Just once. I want to remember them, wherever I'm going. But they're far and away. Safe. I still miss them, though. Is that selfish of me? To miss the best person I ever got to know? To want to remember the person I gave myself up for, the person worth suffering for? I think it is a bit selfish of me, but I let myself miss them anyway. I'm dying. I should let myself have this, just for now.

I start to drift off, my form thin, still twitching, malforming, but slow now. There's no energy left in me to so much as twitch. I sink away, away, and I hear the voice calling me, reaching out, ready to take me wherever it is we go. I'm ready. I'm ready..

…

…..

Wait. What are they saying? Who is it?

…...

No, no, that can't be. I _know_ this voice. Who is it? They sound so _real_. Is this really it? And this hand on my shoulder, it's so solid, so _firm_ , so.. familiar. They start to pull me, but not down. No, they pull me up.

Up, out of the tank, onto open floor, oil spilling out from my mouth, disgusting and bitter.

"I've got you, I've got you." The voice sobs, hands all over me, wiping away the oil. No. Who is this? Why are they so sad? I know them, but how? "Stars, I'm so sorry, I tried to come sooner, I did, I swear, I'm sorry." They keep sobbing. This is so unlike them, the voice from the tank! Usually they're angry- they want _me_ to come to _them_ , not the other way around. Just- just who _is_ this? I pry open my eyes, but everything is sparkling and dark, the oil still all over my eyes. But there, behind the glittering darkness, is that blue I see? I look up and see more blue, but a purply kind, a dusty purply blue. And a midnight blue eye, across from a midnight blue gem. The eye streams tears, some of which fall on my face, dragging oil away with it.

Phantom?

My own eyes widen, all on their own, the shock too great. What are they doing here? No! No! This can't- I won't let them- I need to _protect_ them-

"Hush, you're okay, I've got you. I'm never letting go. Never ever ever- I swear it." They say, stroking my cheek, still crying. They look torn between wanting to smile and wanting to scream. "We're safe for now. Relax. I've got you. I- I've got you." They sniffle, something they shouldn't be able to without a nose, but I'm not going to question the physics of their form right now.

"Wh-phantom're you doing how'd get here?" I mumble, thinking too much at once, unable to separate it all.

"I- I never left. How could I? How could I _ever_ leave you behind? You are my- my-" They shake their head. "I couldn't leave. I _wouldn't_ , even if I could have. Not alone. Not without you."

"Safe-" I cough, oil still trapped in my throat. I roll over, gagging. They don't let go, just steady me as I cough and cough, wobbling on hands and knees.

"Yes, we're safe, for now." Phantom pats my back, holding my hair out of the way. I cringe at the stained pink strands, remembering how it feels to have it pulled harshly, suddenly, used as a lead, like reigns. Phantom doesn't seem to notice.

"No- why-" I gag and cough again. "-why are you here? I thought you left.." I manage to say, though the feeling of the oil doesn't go away entirely. I wonder if my mouth will feel slick with it forever.

"I know you did. You couldn't have known, but there was no way for me to get in from the outside. I don't think they knew, either. It's too _cold_ here for me to phase, and the front entrance was too heavy for me to open when it was locked, too. I couldn't get in. I tried, oh, how I _tried_." They say, patiently at first, then heavy with sorrow. I look up at them.

"I'm so sorry. I thought- I wanted you to be _safe_."

"And I was, out there! They couldn't find me. Their tools here are very ill-equipped for the environment." Oh. So Luna Agate lied to me. "But Sardonyx.. Sardonyx." Phantom pulls me close again, and my arms aren't quite strong enough to wrap around them, but I want to. "How could you do that? How could you.. How could you send me away like that?"

"I promised.." I mumble.

"Damn your promise! You don't- you can't- that's not a decision you can make _for_ me, Sardonyx!" They sob. "I wanted- I wanted to be with you- to be there for you, and I couldn't! You were in here, suffering for _months_ and I could only _listen_. How could you go in my place? How could you do that?"

"I _promised_. Never again. Never ever. I promised."

"But I could have _taken_ it. I've been to hell and back before. You _haven't_. Hadn't. You- I would have survived. I always do. But you- I never knew if you were going to do it- a-and it's not that I doubt you, but.. she.. she wanted to kill you, and she almost did, so many times. You didn't know what you were going to-" I push away, climbing up them to sit upright, to meet them.

"No- No I didn't, but I _you_ did. You were afraid. You were hurting, already, and I promised myself I would never let you, not like this. I did it for me as much as for you. I'm not _sorry_. I hurt, I hurt so much, but I am not sorry. I would do it again."

"You can't mean that. Don't _say_ that!" They wail, hands tight on my shoulders. It hurts, everything hurts, but I am so grateful for the sensation of support, for them. "I couldn't bear it if you- I never wanted you to know what I went through, not like this, not, not _firsthand_. I would have survived this, Sardonyx. I didn't want you to have to."

"I'm sorry for scaring you. I am sorry for that. But I won't regret taking your place. I won't." I say firmly, and then dizzily, I fall forward. They catch me, resting my head on their shoulder, chin tucked over my head. My form glitches, painfully, ripples of glassy rainbow dancing over parts of me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't- I shouldn't argue- you're still, you won't be- oh, _heavens_. Just rest, please, rest, and we can talk about it all later, when we're safe and away. And you'll be okay. It'll all be alright." They say, starting to rock. I want to hold them tighter, but my form seems unwilling to respond, my gem, my _everything_ still drained. They start to hum as well, and though I'm worried that this might belay some deeper unwellness in them, I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sound of their voice like this. Gentle and flowing, almost lyrical, soothing.

"How.. how _are_ we getting out of here?" I ask, eventually.

"I readied a ship. It's where I got the blaster." They answer, still rocking, though slower and more steadily.

"A blaster? What did you need a blaster for?"

"To shoot Luna Agate with." They answer just as easily. "Oh- I- I just disassembled her. I didn't- I still- I assumed you wouldn't want me to-" They explain, realizing how that sounded.

"You were right. I don't know why, but I don't hate her. She's terrible, but I don't want her to.. die." I whisper the last word, realizing how close I was to not being here, to not knowing Phantom anymore, to not having a future, to not being.. Stars.. I start to cry, shaking harshly against Phantom.

"What? What's wrong?"

"You shouldn't have saved me." I say into their shoulder, gripping theirs.

"What? Why wouldn't I? After all you- I would never _not-_ "

"I gave up! I stopped fighting. I wanted to- I was ready- I thought I had nothing left to-" I choke, miserably. "I just _gave up_ , Phantom. I don't deserve-"

"No, no no no. Don't you _dare_ say that. After _everything_ you endured, how could anyone- That's just not how it works. It's- it's okay that you were ready. You _thought_ it was the end. To hold on at that point would be madness- no one can blame you for being hurt and being ready for that to be over. I've been there, too. Too many times. It's the worst place you can be, on the edge, and falling, and… ready. I don't blame you. It doesn't make you undeserving. I _need_ you here. Please don't- please.." They moan, and then they can't seem to speak anymore, too overcome with whatever thought they were trying to express. I just cry with them, content to lay here forever, head buried in their shoulder, hands tightly around them, and theirs around me.


	31. Chapter 30

Chapter 30: Once More

Phantom Fluorite:

I just hold her. What else can I do? She's been torn down so much, so many times, what other support could I possibly offer than to just hold her and keep her safe? She's so frail, so _weak_ , something I could never have thought possible of her. _She_ is the strong one, not me, and now that she needs me, now that _I_ have to be stronger one, the support, the carrier, I don't know what to do.

I was blind. I let myself be blind to how much I relied on her to be the steadfast one, the determined one, and now she's sapped of that strength. She is.. changed. Hopefully only temporarily, for her own sake, but what if it isn't? What if this is how she is forever? Damaged, drained, defeated... I blame myself for letting her do this, but how could I have stopped her? I didn't _know_ this was her intention- but now she's hurt, so hurt, and so deeply. I couldn't read her, couldn't hear where she was thinking, could only act, and barely that. Even now, so many meters underground, the wicked snowstorm outside makes it nearly impossible to read her thoughts. The struggle of walking has been like never before, though I dare to say I've gotten better about single-eyed navigation because of the challenge.

When I dropped in the snow, just barely able to catch myself, I couldn't believe it, could barely stand, dizzy from the drop and the snow and the realization. She let me go, let me fall, did it to _save_ me, and I knew that was her reasoning, and I _knew_ the hell she was heading for. How could she do that? I couldn't, and still can't, comprehend it. Even after all these years together, fighting the Empire, learning each other and the universe, for her to make the decision to head to torture for me, for _me_ , is so.. boggling. Impossible. I would do it for her, but I never dared _expect_ she'd do it for me.

But she did. She chose to, when she saw no other way out. She chose _me_ over herself. I can't rationalize it, can't reconcile the decision with what I _feel_ should have happened.

I wanted to save her, immediately, but even when I found my way to the structure through the blizzard, something I couldn't even name until much later, I found that I couldn't phase through the ground to get inside. Or I could have, for about two seconds, and then I would have collapsed inside the physical structure, and died, leaving her alone forever. It's too cold, a limitation I have never encountered before. I was horrified, when I realized, that there was no other way in. There is but a single entrance, a landing pad that retreats inside, but the locks on it were combinations of electric, magnetic, and physical, and I couldn't undo it, it was too heavy, too powerful, and I could not even gracelessly open it without being detected or destroyed. She was trapped inside, and me, outside.

And despite _everything_ else, I could hear her mind, deep underground. I was with her as she suffered. I heard it, everything Luna Agate did to her, and I tried to be there, to show her I was there, that she wasn't alone, even if we were separated by distance, but she never heard me.

The only reason I managed to get _in_ , after all this time, these long and cold months, was because they took it too far. The gate shut down, and I was able to slip inside, just barely, as everything overheated and collapsed, just for that moment. And then, finally inside, I acted on furious instinct. It was a blur of thought and action. I prepped a ship, ready to launch at the touch of a button, and tore the weaponry off all the others. I rigged one of the smaller ones, large enough still to require two hands and some telekinesis to lift, for handheld use. I found Luna Agate and forced her to lead me to Sardonyx, a gun to her back, in that terrible place, the only one I couldn't hear her. I had her open the latch.. and then I destroyed her form. I wanted to do worse, so much worse, but I couldn't- wouldn't- until I knew if Sardonyx was alive.. And so help me, had she been too far gone, this whole complex would be _ash_ , a gray snow to mar the white forevermore.

But she was alive. She _is alive._ I pulled her from the tank, and here we are. Alive, together again at last, after all her suffering, after my useless waiting. My dear one, my only companion. Shivering, shaking, fragile in mind and body..

"I'm going to get you out of here. We'll destroy it, if it pleases you. We'll be away, we'll.." I mumble, thinking out loud.

"Let's.. just go." She says, voice faltering. She talks so slowly now, so thoughtfully, every word a battle to speak. She tries to rise, but her arms collapse under her.

"I'll get you, don't worry. You were almost-" I stop myself. Too close, she got to that edge, and nearly over. Moments later, and she would have been out of reach forever, nothing but a stone left behind of her. And I would have been more alone than I have ever been before, though not for long. "I'll carry you, don't you worry." So I pick her up, her weight much lighter than it should be, her form still thin from the draining effects of the tank. I carry her, one of her arms over my shoulder, her head resting against my neck, my arms underneath her shoulder blades and knees. Normally, I could never lift her like this, not without some psychic lift added, but here, she is like an armful of snow, and just as likely to fall apart. I leave the blaster and Luna Agate's gemstone behind, though I do drop the blaster in the oil of the tank so that she can't use it against us when she reforms.

Strangely, there is no one else in the station, though I know from Sardonyx's experience that there had been, at least in the beginning, ten or twenty other gems, and since then one or two more that ferried her from tank to chair and back. As we travel up flights of stairs, as the elevators are all broken down, there is no sign of them anywhere, and I can't feel them, but that's not to say they're not just.. out of range, or hiding. I am, unfortunately, focusing on my cradled partner far more than would be wise for a combat situation. I should be focusing on our enemies, but I keep circling back to her, in my arms.

We remain unchallenged as we head to the exit, to the launchpad and bay, the only way out, and I take the quiet gratefully. I'm not entirely sure how I could defend us both like this, no weapon, no free hands. I am not particularly accurate right now, but my strength is essentially full, so perhaps I could manage to fend off an attack with nothing but my mind. Still, it's stressful to think about it.

"Oh. I'm getting oil all over you." Sardonyx suddenly notes out loud. "Sorry."

"I don't care about the oil. It'll come off. Don't worry, Sard-" I say, breaking off, looking around for any sign of motion. Just a few more floors and a couple turns and we'll be there.

"Sard? Did you always call me that?"

"Ah- n-no. I misspoke. I apologize." I feel myself blush.

"No, I like it. I call you Phantom, you can call me Sard. It's.. cute." I look down at her, a tiny, faint smile gracing her face.

"You think?"

"Yeah.." She purrs, a sound that nearly melts me. I've missed that sound of delight so much- I was worried she might never be able to feel happy again. "'M Sard. That's my name. Sard."

I smile to myself, glad that she hasn't changed. Still the sweetest,most silly thing I've ever met. I take us round the corner, into the hangar, the bay, ready to take us away from here. But there, leaning on the ship with a bardiche in her hands, is Luna Agate's Pearl. She looks up from her hands on the pole, squarely at us.

"I suppose you thought you were done here. Safe, and able to fly away in a stolen ship, free." She pushes from the ship, standing tall, bardiche to her side. "You were wrong." She sighs.

"What are you doing? You can't-" I try to start reasoning with her, but she holds up her left hand, her gem glinting in the incandescent light before it's hidden by her palm.

"Everyone thinks Pearls are weak and stupid, that we can't be taught, that we can't do anything more difficult than open a door or take a note, and sometimes not even that much. I would think that, as rebels, you would not have fallen prey to this limiting mindset, but perhaps I was wrong." She declares, her naturally sweet voice dry, eyes half-lidded with disregard.

".. what do you want?" I ask. There's no point trying to explain myself. Better to jump to the end. She smiles, the corner of her mouth twitching up, briefly.

"We won't fool ourselves. I'm _not_ as strong as you. I have limited training, and no battlefield experience, or, at least, none like you've had. I don't have a special power or any impressive technique. Normally, I'm sure I'd be dust in the engine for you.

But.. this isn't normally, is it? You are burdened with a crippled partner, and I saw how overwhelming the blaze outside was for you. I can see it now. You're struggling _right now_." It's true, closer to the surface now, I can feel the blitz and dash of all the individual snowflakes, and the magnitude of all the movement is daunting. It's not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning, but still.. "I'm not saying I can win. Nothing is guaranteed, after all. I could be wrong. I don't know. But.. do you? Do you think _you_ can win?" She says, brandishing the small polearm, pointing it as me, at us, at _her_. I tremble at the audacity she has to challenge me here, _now_ , after everything she did.

"Why will you fight me? For what purpose?" I ask, angry but hesitant. I want to understand, first, before anything else. No regrets.

"For my mistress, my lady Luna Agate. You humiliated her. Can you imagine, being promoted while being ridiculed? Being praised while being laughed at? Her pride-"

"Damn her pride! Those were our _lives_ she wanted! How is that justified!?" I snarl.

"Maybe it isn't. Maybe I don't care about that. I only care for my lady, and you _hurt her_ , so I must hurt _you_." And she raises the blade and comes charging, a warcry erupting from her. I leap to the side, Sardonyx clinging to me. Pearl swings the blade, quickly recovering it with a swoop of an arc, right back at us. Focusing, I catch the blade with my mind, still retreating. I push her back, and she reels, the weight of the blade nearly toppling her. She screams again, and launches herself right back at us.

Stepping backwards, I focus on pushing the blade to the side when she swipes, forcing her to miss instead of completely reversing her attacks. But the fury in each swing is hard to sway, and I fear what even a small misstep could bring. Almost too late, I feel myself run into a wall, and I duck, rolling to the side, the bardiche's blade slicing deep into the concrete. But I can't get up before she's swinging again, bringing it down on us.

Springing up with a cry of her own, Sardonyx reaches out and catches the weapon by its pole, wrestling with Pearl for control. Giving up on pressing the edge down on us, Pearl tries to pull the weapon back and away, but she only wrenches Sardonyx away with it, her grip maniacal. I try to pull her down- it's my turn to protect you, you fool!- but she's gone in an instant.

She growls, deep and low, holding tight to the bladed end, arms just on either side of the actual blade, staring down Pearl with her teeth bare. She looks wild, feral, cheeks still smeared with grimy ink, hair heavy and darkened and wet.

"Let _go_ you, you- you filthy freak!" Pearl yells, refusing to let go, but Sardonyx only seethes all the harder.

"I'll kill you.." She declares, all teeth, eyes slits. Pearl yelps, releasing the weapon. As she nearly falls on her rear, Sardonyx takes a step back, turning the bardiche around in her hand, but unable to completely support its weight, letting the head fall beside her feet. She drags the edge along the ground as she steps forward, languid, haltingly. "I'll kill you." Pearl throws her hands up, stumbling, truly afraid, and I finally bring myself to my feet, hands on Sardonyx's shoulders.

She's still shaking, form still buckling, glimmering here and there, even as she's tensed and fully prepared to do exactly what she's said.

"Sardonyx, no. Not like this. You won- let her go." I beg her, pulling gently on her. She holds, still trembling. Gradually, she turns her head to look at me, the snarl gone, replaced by wide, fatigued eyes and a quivering frown.

"I'm sorry.." She whispers, dropping the handle. It clatters to the floor, and I pull her into a hug, stepping us away from Pearl. "She almost- you could have- after _everything_ -" She collapses against me, suddenly limp again.

"It's fine, you're fine. It's been a long, hard couple of months. You're fine. You're fine." I whisper back, faintly. I look between her and Pearl, making sure that she stays away from us. She looks fit to explode with some tears of her own, shaking, eying the bardiche, just a couple meters away from her.

"You're freaks, you- you're both _freaks_! How are you- why is it that _you're_ the ones who get to hold each other, when you're both _wrong_!" She cries, hands balled up at her sides. I almost stop to answer or ask what she means, but she dashes for the bardiche, and comes running again, blade high.

As one, both Sardonyx and I put out a hand to catch the blade. She growls again, I stare down at her imperiously, and Pearl shrinks, feeling like she's made a mistake.

"Pearl!" A newcomer cries, from the entryway. All three of us look to see Luna Agate, furious and concerned, tense with worry. Her hair is down from it's bun, a bit wild. Seems she rushed her reformation.

"Luna!" Pearl exclaims breathlessly, hands releasing the bardiche again. I toss it away, having to fight it away from Sardonyx, though. She clings to me instead, suddenly uncertain of herself and _afraid_. Of course- Luna Agate was the face of her torture, even if Pearl was the one enacting it.

"What have you done?!" Luna Agate points at us accusingly, Pearl stepping back fearfully from us, squeaking, despite the weapon being gone.

"Nothing!" I yell back, trying to put myself in between Sardonyx and the rest. "Just let us go!"

"Never!" She challenges, stepping forward, but she looks at Pearl, as though she needs reassurance that she's fine. A terrible idea runs through my mind..

"Oh.. I think you will." I reply, and in a flash, I take Pearl by the wrist, holding her up, off the ground. She squirms, but I keep her firmly in both my grasps. "You will let us go." Luna Agate freezes. She wants to fight but she hesitates. I give a short laugh. "You _care_ about her, don't you? And she for you, exactly the same! You like to think you're better than us and our caring, but you're just the same as we are!"

"What. Do you _want_?" Luna Agate lets out through clenched teeth.

"We'll go. You keep your Pearl. I don't want anything else, but to go."

"..And if I say no?" She grates, but she's nervous. No, not nervous, not even afraid. She is _terrified_. Pearl squeaks again, her hand prying at my fingers, uselessly.

"I don't know, exactly. I've never had practice _giving_ as good as I _received_. Maybe you could give me a few pointers?" I tighten my grip, and Pearl gasps, and Luna falls to her knees, eyes wide and hands out. "Just say yes. I don't _want_ to do this."

"Fine, yes, go, flee, just _please_ -" Luna begs. Gently, far more gently than I want or even think she deserves, I lower Pearl to the ground, and push her away with a slight bump to her back when I release her. Stumbling at first, she runs the rest of the way to Luna Agate, throwing her arms around her 'lady'. I leave them to each other, half-dragging Sardonyx away to our ship. I look behind me only once, and when I see them, too absorbed in each other to care about us, I don't worry about looking over our shoulders again.

I help Sardonyx settle into a chair, and start the launch sequence, just one button sending us on our way. I kneel by Sardonyx as we take off, one hand on hers. I don't want to crowd her, but I am desperate for contact, and I want her to know I'm here for her.

"It's over. We're gone." I say when we've left the atmosphere, the storm sweeping in behind us.

"We are?" She asks, eventually. She sounds doubtful and uncertain.

"Yes."

"I.. I didn't think we'd… we would actually make it off the planet. I thought.. we were done for." She says. "There's no one chasing us?"

"No. Not yet, anyway, but I don't think Luna Agate is going to send anyone after us. I think she and her Pearl have a lot to talk about, and not much of it about us." I laugh a little. She doesn't respond. Her expression just grows more distressed, grievous. "Sard?" I ask, using her new name.

"I thought we were going to die, still. I thought- I wanted-" She manages to say, and then tears fall down her cheeks and she is silent, trembling. I squeeze her left hand with both of mine, wishing I could make her feel better. I thought- I had _hoped_ that just getting her away would improve her state of mind, but somehow it's making it worse. But I don't know what to say. "I wanted it to be over. I still want… I just.. So _tired_.." Her eyes droop, her entire face sagging, her fire spent.

"It's alright. You're allowed to feel that way. I understand. You can rest now. The- that part is over. It's done. It will never happen again."

"You can't promise that, and I don't want you to." She mumbles darkly.

"H-how do you mean?"

"You cannot guarantee we'll never be caught a-and.. it _could_ happen again. And if it does, I would still.. I don't want anyone to feel that way again. If I can save you, I will."

"I didn't _ask_ you to-"

"I know that!"

"Then why do you insist-"

"Because it hurts _worse_ to think that this was your _life_. To know, with certainty that is unforgettable, that this was your everything for so long, too long, however long it was. I don't know how you can think anything good about anything after that. I understand why you struggled for so long, I- I don't- I can't-" She gasps once, heaving in memory. "All the pain. The burning. The lack of control. The disrespect and disregard and demands and, and the dance with the edge of _death_ \- I don't want you to go back there. It hurt _so much_ , but it is even _worse_ to imagine you back there. I would- I _will_ burn planets before I allow you-"

"It's not up to you to save me. Sometimes- sometimes we can't save or be saved. Sometimes there's just.. bad things. Awful, terrible, nightmare things we have to go through. I didn't ask you to face mine. I don't want you to- I- I am so.. grateful that you _would_ , that you _did_ , but _please_.. it's not your job or your duty or any such thing to save me like that. I am honored, truly, to have such a.. to know you and to be cared for by you, but it hurts to see you like this, to know you've walked in that horrible place as I once did. It's a kind of agony in it's own way.

I.. I _adore_ you. I don't like seeing you hurt, not in my place, not at all. I thank you for what you did, for your reasons for doing it, for caring so much to take that fall and come back and then declare you would do it _again_ , all for caring. But I care about you. And I can't see you hurt again. Not for me. Not like this. Please, please understand." I explain, begging, hoping, pressing her hand between mine.

"I do. That's exactly why I did it. But that means.. that means you can't do that for me, either. You can't give yourself away, if I can't. Can _you_ make that promise?" She asks, daring me, curious and defiant.

"I- I don't- It's not-"

"You can't. We both care too much. We both prioritize the other more. I can't make that promise if you can't. That's not fair, to either of us." She wilts again, sinking in the chair. Her head comes to rest on her arm, laying sideways in the seat. I rest my forehead against her crown, careful to keep the point of my gem away from her, and run a hand through her hair. She used to find this relaxing,comforting, but is that still true? She doesn't voice a complaint, and her thoughts seem neutral about it, so I continue, if only for my own self.

"Then.. I won't ask you not to. You're right, I hadn't- hadn't thought of it that way." I admit. "I can't make that promise. I won't make you make that promise. But I'm scared for you. For how.. how much she hurt you. I don't know how to help you. I don't.." I just shake my head, ruffling her hair.

"I don't either. I.. I want to say I'm okay, or that I _will_ be, but everything just feels.. bad. I don't see how I can.. bounce back. I don't know how to feel better. I don't even know what to ask for. I want.. I want.. the opposite of things. There's so much, still. I feel so much. It's all.. I can't.. I'm just tired, somewhere deep inside, like I've never been before."

"We can be quiet. I can, I can leave you alone, if you want." I reply, removing my hand from her hair, pulling away, but her hand tightens on mine, slightly.

"I don't. That's what I don't want. I- we can be quiet, but please, please let's not be alone."

"Then we'll be quiet. We're heading towards the Marble planet. We can just fly in silence." I hope this is enough, for now.

"I'd like that." She whispers, her mind growing the slightest bit content. I rest my head back on hers, and though she asked for silence, I eventually take to humming, hoping that this, too, is enough.

Eventually, she hums along.


End file.
